All comics by Xuanwu

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by Xuanwu
1-22-04
My GOD, that was the best show ever.
Yeah, I can't believe they ended up detroying the whole city afterwards.
Well, it's been a trademark of theirs.
So, now that it's over, what you wanna do?
Let's go conquer the Autobot's home planet of Cybertron!
Decepticons! Whoo!

 

by Xuanwu
1-22-04
My GOD, that was the best show ever.
Yeah, I can't believe they ended up detroying the whole city afterwards.
Well, it's been a trademark of theirs.
So, now that it's over, what you wanna do?
Be funny?
Fat chance.

 

by Xuanwu
1-22-04
My GOD, that was the best show ever.
Yeah, I can't believe they ended up detroying the whole city afterwards.
Well, it's been a trademark of theirs.
So, now that it's over, what you wanna do?
Let's go see "Akira!" I hear they blow up Tokyo three times!
It's ironic that nobody beats the Japanese for good explosions. You know, because of Hiroshima and - ah, forget it.

 

by Xuanwu
1-23-04
My GOD, that was the best show ever.
Yeah, I can't believe they ended up detroying the whole city afterwards.
Well, it's been a trademark of theirs.
So, now that it's over, what you wanna do?
Let's take care of the crotch crickets we got from that Vietnamese ladyboy.
So that's why my groin feels like it's been invaded by a million pixies with pointy feet.

 

by Xuanwu
1-23-04
My GOD, that was the best show ever.
Yeah, I can't believe they ended up detroying the whole city afterwards.
Well, it's been a trademark of theirs.
So, now that it's over, what you wanna do?

 

by Xuanwu
1-23-04
Oh, yeah! Time to strut my stuff in front of the ladies with Dance Dance Revolution!
But... You've never played DDR!
I don't need to! I've got the Konami code! Up up down down left right left right B A Start! I enter it, I win!
But... The DDR pad doesn't have A or B buttons.
Crap.
That "E" you're about to receive isn't for effort, kiddo.

 

by Xuanwu
1-23-04
How goes work on the company's financial database?
DELETED!

 

by Xuanwu
1-25-04
My GOD, that was the best show ever.
Yeah, I can't believe they ended up detroying the whole city afterwards.
Well, it's been a trademark of theirs.
So, now that it's over, what you wanna do?
We're going to South Dakota and Oregon and Washington and Michigan! And then we're going to Washington, D.C. to take back the White House!
YEEEEAAAAUUUUGH!

 

by Xuanwu
1-26-04
Hey, do you wanna come over and make snickerdoodles with me?
Sure! I'll be right over!
Little does he know that snickerdoodles are the secret ingredient needed to cure crotch crickets!
Stop scratching yourself! It's making my groin itchy!

 

by Xuanwu
1-26-04
Hey, do you wanna come over and make snickerdoodles with me?
Sure! I'll be right over!
Now the recipe calls for cream. White, sticking, gooey cream... Mmm...
Not that kind! Not that kind!

 

by Xuanwu
1-26-04
Hey, do you wanna come over and make snickerdoodles with me?
Sure! I'll be right over!
Hello, my little snickerdoodle.
Okay, that's being added to the list of "Things Spankling Should Never Say to Me."

 

by Xuanwu
1-26-04
Ichi
Hey, want some mayo on your sandwich? I've got tons!
Ni
I was worried your sausage would get cold, so I put it in my pants.
San
You've never been breast fed? You'll love desert!

 

by Xuanwu
1-26-04
Is it fresh? You bet! I just saw your dish twitch a couple minutes ago.
Sometimes, when I'm eating, I like to contemplate what it'll look like on the other end. Mmm...
I love my new personal chef! His name's something Lecter.

 

by Xuanwu
1-27-04
Hey, do you wanna come over and make snickerdoodles with me?
Sure! I'll be right over!
Yeth, Mathter... Thoon Mithter Thnickerdoodleth will be complete. And then he will be alive! ALIIIIIIIVE!
Damn it, Igor! Steal my lines again and I'll use your parts to create a Catholic school girl with no gag reflex! Actually, I may do that anyway...

 

by Xuanwu
1-28-04
Hey, do you wanna come over and make snickerdoodles with me?
Sure! I'll be right over!
Move faster! These turbines aren't going to generate snickerdoodles by themselves!
Yep! ... What the fuck are you talking about?

 

by Xuanwu
1-30-04
Hey, do you wanna come over and make snickerdoodles with me?
Sure! I'll be right over!
My rectum sure does bleed a lot these days!
You should have chewed your snickerdoodles better!

 

by Xuanwu
1-31-04
Hey, do you wanna come over and make snickerdoodles with me?
Sure! I'll be right over!
Don't you know the Zionists are using snickerdoodles to control the world?
Zionists? I thought I was working for the Illuminati!

 

by Xuanwu
1-31-04
Hey, do you wanna come over and make snickerdoodles with me?
Sure! I'll be right over!
Snickerdoodles... or death?
Um... hot dog?

 

by Xuanwu
1-31-04
Hey, do you wanna come over and make snickerdoodles with me?
Sure! I'll be right over!
I'm going to get the salt, and the pepper, and the flour! And then the sugar, and the eggs, and the butter! And then, I'm going straight for your ass!
YEEEEEAAAAA - Wait, what?

 

by Xuanwu
2-03-04
Daniel, I need to see those reports right now.
Ah, the thing is, boss, I haven't actually done them yet.
What? You'd better have a damn good excuse, Daniel.
Well, what happened was...
AHA! It is me, Jesus!
Damn it, Drexle! Stop being kinky and let me do my work!

 

by Xuanwu
2-03-04
Daniel, I need to see those reports right now.
Ah, the thing is, boss, I haven't actually done them yet.
What? You'd better have a damn good excuse, Daniel.
Well, what happened was...
3 hours later...
...and that's why you should never mention "graviton generating turbines" to a cowboy.
I see. What the fuck are you talking about?

 

by Xuanwu
2-04-04
Daniel, I need to see those reports right now.
Ah, the thing is, boss, I haven't actually done them yet.
What? You'd better have a damn good excuse, Daniel.
Well, what happened was...
Five dollars for the whole family? Sure! Just as long as your sexy grandma is included.
You got it! We all sucky sucky looong time!

 

by Xuanwu
2-04-04
Daniel, I need to see those reports right now.
Ah, the thing is, boss, I haven't actually done them yet.
What? You'd better have a damn good excuse, Daniel.
Well, what happened was...
You will kneel before... ZOD!
All right. Let me get my knee pads...

 

by Xuanwu
2-05-04
Daniel, I need to see those reports right now.
Ah, the thing is, boss, I haven't actually done them yet.
What? You'd better have a damn good excuse, Daniel.
Well, what happened was...
You've stolen my radishes for the last time, Fraggle! Now you will pay!
Let's rock.

 

by Xuanwu
2-06-04
Daniel, I need to see those reports right now.
Ah, the thing is, boss, I haven't actually done them yet.
What? You'd better have a damn good excuse, Daniel.
Well, what happened was...
Three words: thorned poo log.

 

by Xuanwu
2-06-04
Daniel, I need to see those reports right now.
Ah, the thing is, boss, I haven't actually done them yet.
What? You'd better have a damn good excuse, Daniel.
Well, what happened was...
"I went in search of El Dorado..."
Zia, you're making my golden condor take flight!
But the Olmecs may be watching!

 

by Xuanwu
2-06-04
Imitate Marilyn Monroe, and I will kill you.
That looks so much like my skirt! Though mine's shorter, and it came with a free riding crop.
I can see your knickers. Mmm...

 

by Xuanwu
2-09-04
Dad I need some advice. I've had.................. feelings for this girl. But I think she rejects our families ideals and thus won't accept me as a suitor.
Son the first thing you need is legs. Thats the most important of all. Women love a good knee cap. Secondly, I reccomend going into town with your life savings and making a name for yourself.
Cousin Wilford father has sent me to speak with you about love. Can you give me some of your insights?
My legs have been destroyed by the love of an unclean woman. Go forth and relay this message for your father he will be able to decode its true origins.
...and then his wheelchair exploded.
I told him that message would self-destruct after five seconds.

 

by Xuanwu
2-09-04
Dad I need some advice. I've had.................. feelings for this girl. But I think she rejects our families ideals and thus won't accept me as a suitor.
Son the first thing you need is legs. Thats the most important of all. Women love a good knee cap. Secondly, I reccomend going into town with your life savings and making a name for yourself.
Cousin Wilford father has sent me to speak with you about love. Can you give me some of your insights?
My legs have been destroyed by the love of an unclean woman. Go forth and relay this message for your father he will be able to decode its true origins.
...and then he burst out with "Elephant Love Medley" and I had to kill him.
Good job! Prison inmates get plenty of propositions from lonely females! And you'll get to practice with your fellow inmates.

 

by Xuanwu
2-09-04
Dad I need some advice. I've had.................. feelings for this girl. But I think she rejects our families ideals and thus won't accept me as a suitor.
Son the first thing you need is legs. Thats the most important of all. Women love a good knee cap. Secondly, I reccomend going into town with your life savings and making a name for yourself.
Cousin Wilford father has sent me to speak with you about love. Can you give me some of your insights?
My legs have been destroyed by the love of an unclean woman. Go forth and relay this message for your father he will be able to decode its true origins.
I understand now! The AT Field is the barrier that separate every mind in existence! It is why we are all fundamentally alone!
... What the fuck are you talking about?

 

by Xuanwu
2-10-04
Dad I need some advice. I've had.................. feelings for this girl. But I think she rejects our families ideals and thus won't accept me as a suitor.
Son the first thing you need is legs. Thats the most important of all. Women love a good knee cap. Secondly, I reccomend going into town with your life savings and making a name for yourself.
Cousin Wilford father has sent me to speak with you about love. Can you give me some of your insights?
My legs have been destroyed by the love of an unclean woman. Go forth and relay this message for your father he will be able to decode its true origins.
That feeling in your crotch isn't love, son. Sorry.

 

by Xuanwu
2-13-04
It looks like you want a date for Valentine's Day. Press [OK] to run Microsoft Matchmaker
Success! Your perfect Valentine's date is all arranged.
I can't wait.
HA! I see you camping there! Just wait until I get my rocket launcher reloaded!
This is the best date EVER.

 

by Xuanwu
2-13-04
It looks like you want a date for Valentine's Day. Press [OK] to run Microsoft Matchmaker
Success! Your perfect Valentine's date is all arranged.
I can't wait.
...to install Linux.

 

by Xuanwu
2-13-04
It looks like you want a date for Valentine's Day. Press [OK] to run Microsoft Matchmaker
Success! Your perfect Valentine's date is all arranged.
I can't wait.
Later...
How's THAT for "match making," eh? Burn in Hell, Clippy!

 

by Xuanwu
2-13-04
Ichi.
You're tighter than my sister.
Ni.
You've got better breasts than my Mom.
San.
Your crotch is hairier than my Dad's.

 

by Xuanwu
2-13-04
My love! I'm here to save you! I had to cut off my hair, bind my chest, and let my body hair grow into unsightly patches, but it was worth it to see you again!
Gee, thanks! But you didn't have to. I already have a friend ready to bust me out right about -
Now come on run!
Man I'm really going to get hell over this when I take her out to dinner on saturday

 

by Xuanwu
2-17-04
It looks like you want a date for Valentine's Day. Press [OK] to run Microsoft Matchmaker
Success! Your perfect Valentine's date is all arranged.
I can't wait.
Elsewhere...
So, Mr. Gates, how do you suggest I recruit subjects for my illicit cyborg experiments?

 

by Xuanwu
2-29-04
Listen you sack of shit. I'm telling you one more time. GIVE ME MY BONE.
It would be great if you could talk, Buffo! Then I could understand everything you say!
That's it. You're going down, man.
Later...
*chomp chew* Needs spice. I think I'll go eat Geri Halliwell next...

 

Sally! Oh, my god! You snapped her neck! How could you, Mr. Chicken?
Pluck off.
by Xuanwu, 4-15-06

 

by Xuanwu
4-16-06
What is Proxy?
No one can be told what the Proxy is. You have to see it for yourself.
What is Proxy?
A robot with a flaming personality? No, wait, that's me.
What is Proxy?
Don't ask me. I'm just the token loli. Pino pino pinochu!

 

by Xuanwu
4-16-06
I've been playing a lot of MMORPGs lately.
I've heard of those. What type of character do you like?
I usually go for the warriors. Easy to play.
How realistic are the games these days?
It's great! This one game I play has scantily clad princesses all over. They even give you "extra bonuses" when you save them.
I see. Sounds like you've been having lots of sworded adventures.

 

...
What?! I'm going through puberty! This is normal!
by Xuanwu, 4-16-06

 

by Xuanwu
4-16-06
[GiantSwordBoy9]
Hey, Sysadmin, I think there's a hacker loose!
[Sysadmin]
O RLY? Y?
[GiantSwordBoy9]
He's giving out sniper rifles to the PKers, moron!
[Sysadmin]
W00t! Gr8 hax GET! H3dsh0t, n00b!
[Game: You have been killed]
[GiantSwordBoy9]
You suck.
[Sysadmin]
NO U!

 

You won't be getting through THIS obstacle course, Abe Vigoda!
Oh, SNAP! it's Blaze!
by Xuanwu, 4-16-06

 

by Xuanwu
4-16-06
"Congratulations on winning a vacation for one to Maniac Mansion."
"Be sure to stop by the bathroom to see Cousin Ted. We've even got a radiactive pool in the back!"
"PS. Don't bother with underwear. The tentacles rip it off when they anally violate you. It's just their way of saying: 'Hello!'"

 

by Xuanwu
4-16-06
dsome, old buddy, I have had an amazing idea!
Yes, darb, my close and personal friend?
What if I made a site where people could make their comics? And they could share them with the world!
Sounds like it'd be destined to become a morass of steaming hormonal angst and prima donnery.
I'd require everyone to play nice. Except you. You could lampoon everyone and call it "good fun." Anyone complains - BANNED!
Boffo!

 

by Xuanwu
4-20-06
I think George W. Bush is the smartest man alive. He is truly our Lord and Savior given earthly form.
Ah!
Copious streams of testerone ooze from his every pore. His essence is that of the true man: rugged yet passionate.
Grr.
Sometimes, at night, I can feel his hands caressing my tender flesh. It makes me squeal like a little schoolgirl.

 

by Xuanwu
4-28-06
Whoa. What's Bruce wearing?
Hm. Looks like a shirt with bruin fur sleeves.
Fur? That's cruel! Someone should take those away from him.
It may be cruel, but confiscation would be unconstitutional.
How so?
He has a right to bear arms.

 

You're an incorrigible punster.
Then don't incorrige me.
by Xuanwu, 4-28-06

 

by Xuanwu
5-01-06
Is there a doctor in the house?
I'm a doctor.
What? Where's your uniform?
I am proficient in the healing arts. The NINJA healing arts.
What's special about ninja healing arts?
I make diseases vanish quickly and without a trace!

Showing page 3.

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