All comics by ZMannZilla

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A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar. They all order the lunch special.
I bet it was delicious.
by ZMannZilla, 4-26-08

 

by ZMannZilla
5-21-08
Do you-
YES.

 

by ZMannZilla
5-21-08
You know what I hate?
Jews?
. . .
"Fuck the Jews", that's what I always say.
Thanks, dad, now you're ruining my bar mitzveh too.
Mazel tov, ya little womb turd.

 

by ZMannZilla
5-28-08
Egad! You just came out of nowhere! What gives?
I'm you from the future! Now listen carefully, because this is very important...
Sell all your Apple Inc. stock, convert the cash into Euros, and re-invest it in Atari Inc. And stockpile canned pineapple.
When did I...
August 2013. Transex-4-Less was having a double coupon sale.

 

by ZMannZilla
5-02-10
Teabagger Tex makes lots of people angry with his rhetoric.
Free health care will destroy our future! No tax money for public health!
On this particular day, however, we all have to respect one thing...
The money that terrorist-in-chief Obama wants to spend on free doctors could be used to kick out foreigners!
...at least he's consistent.
Lo, for I hath returned-
Get your damn commie healthcare outta my America, and don't come back 'til ya got a green card!

 

by ZMannZilla
5-02-10
"Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn" Translation: "In his house at R'lyeh, dead Cthulhu waits dreaming."
zzzZZZZzzzz
Thousands of years have passed since R'lyeh sank below the Pacific Ocean, with slumbering Cthulhu inside. Yet none dare to speculate what the most feared of Old Ones dreams about...
zzzZZZZzzzz
...until now.
HEY! LOU! Guessed who scored us some clubhouse passes to the PGA Tour Finals!
Shoggoth, you are my MAIN man! Drinks are on me!

 

by ZMannZilla
5-02-10
Hey Shoggoth, it's a nice day out. I think we should go golfing.
Sweet idea, Lou! I know this great course in Pompeii, and I bet Nodens and Nyarlathotep would be down for a foursome.
I hate golfing with Nodens. He's so... intense. Remember the last time we played with him?
Oh, so he doesn't like mulligans, Lou. What's the big problem?
Doesn't like... Shoggoth, he hunted me for sport the last time I asked for one!
Well, maybe you'll remember that the next time you're being a baby over a one-stroke penalty.

 

by ZMannZilla
5-02-10
On behalf of Labatt's, I have come to grant the request of one Quebecois and one Torontonian. Let's start with the Quebecois. What's your wish?
I weesh for Quebec to be surroundeed by a 10,000 foot wall wheech none may enter or escape, and I weesh to join mah fellow Quebecois within it.
Granted. Now go join your fellow countrymen.
Now you, man from Toronto, I will now grant your-
9,000 feet of water. I think you know where.

 

by ZMannZilla
5-02-10
Brian, I hear you're repeating 4th grade. I'm very disappointed in you. You need to stop listening to death metal and study more.
Burn in hell, dad. In fact, thanks to these liner notes from Tome Of Dagon's album Ten Spirits Of Vengeance, I bet you'll do just that!
Really? Why is that?
Seconds later...
That... little... SHIT!
You should really be proud. He's now summoning at an 8th grade level.

 

by ZMannZilla
5-02-10
We go through this every spring, Kwame. You'd think, by now, that you would be aware of the especially delicate nature of bagobo fruit.
KWAME IS OFFENDED BY MELVIN'S ACCUSATORY TONE!!!
You know that bagobo fruit spoils if you say the word "nippleclamps", and yet, here we are, once again, an entire crop of bagobo, gone because of you.
KWAME KNOWS THIS!!! IS WHY KWAME TELL EVERY CUSTOMER THIS!!!
Oh.

 

by ZMannZilla
5-02-10
Hey, Nyarlathotep. Shoggoth tells me you might be interested in a round of golf with us. You want to play?
Are the non-Euclidian spires of Hragnathol insanely freakin' tall? Heck yeah! Nodens is coming, right?
Um, no. I was thinking maybe we shouldn't invite someone who's going to put an arrow in my ass over a mulligan dispute.
Well, then I can't go. Nodens put a tracking bracelet on me that explodes if I hang out with you guys without him.
*sigh* Then I guess we do have to invite him. Unholy crap, why is he even our friend?
Well, imagine how bad it'd suck if he didn't like you.

 

by ZMannZilla
5-02-10
*sigh* Hi, Nodens, it's Cthulhu. We're going golfing and-
NODENS ACCEPTS THY CHALLENGE! PREPARE THY SOUL FOR CRUSHING DEFEAT!!!
Listen, we're really just looking to chill out and enjoy some nice weather. Think you could leave the obnoxious gung-ho attitude at home today?
YE WISH TO LULL NODENS INTO FALSE SECURITY? THY DECEIT IS TRANSPARENT, DEVIL!!!
And I suppose asking you to leave weapons at home would be equally useless?
AYE, FOR NODENS WISHES TO TRY OUT NODENS' NEW BIG BERTHA SEMI AUTOMATIC FAIRWAY WOODS!!!

 

by ZMannZilla
5-07-10
As you can see, the butt pressure displaced the brain to the outer edges, creating a shiny semi frame to the skull. The colors catch morning light exquisitely.
I see it, I see it! Very good!
I also took the liberty of leaning my butt to the left, that's how we create the red pool you see there, It's very good feng shui.
You know, I did always feel this room needed more chi flow-through!
2034: Mankind needs to get creative with their overpopulation problem.
Anyways, here's the bill. I accept cash, check or money orders.
You really are the best baby-sitter ever!

 

by ZMannZilla
5-11-10
Oh! I almost forgot the BEST part...

 

by ZMannZilla
5-13-10
This "State Of Affairs" meeting of Robopocalypse Inc. will now come to order. BobTron, you have the floor.
As you know, CEO LeaderTron, we've been experiencing record lows in our profit margin. Market research indicates it's most likely because we're losing our consumer base.
And does this research indicate why that is?
Oh you know, fluctuating trends, that sort of thing. Apparently, robots don't eat soylent green, which is where 87% of our manufacturing process is concentrated.
Soylent green used to sell so much better. What happened to our human consumer base?
Let's just say they all went from the "demand" side of the equation to the "supply" side.

 

by ZMannZilla
5-13-10
At the Robopocalypse Inc. "State Of Affairs" meeting...
How can profits be so low? I thought we had the smartest robot minds in the whole robot apocalypse running our marketing strategy!
Well, yes and no, CEO LeaderTron.
Wait... yes, AND no? BobTron, that doesn't compute worth a damn! Explain yourself!
Well, remember how you said that our marketing team should strive to find whatever it is our consumers want us to do, and then do it?
Yeah, of course. And we did that. So what's your point?
Our marketing team is the "yes", and our consumers are the "no".

 

by ZMannZilla
5-13-10
BobTron, this is HORRIBLE! If RoboPocalypse Inc. doesn't start picking up the slack soon, we may all be out of a job!
No, it's even worse than that. I've seen the terrors of a recession-era RoboPocalypse Inc, and it is not pretty.
How could an endless cycle of unemployment get any worse?
A bleak, horrible future awaits me. I am cold, alone. I shall be forced to be without you. It shall be bleak, sad, and dismal. I will be forced to do work, both yours and mine. Madness!
Oh, right, I keep forgetting, you're LeaderTron's son-in-law.
I'm scared. Hold me.

 

by ZMannZilla
5-14-10
Hey Shoggoth, you're home from work early.
Security escorted me out again for kicking a vending machine.
Dude, you were warned about that once.
Yeah, I know Lou, but seriously, all I wanted was what I paid for. The damn snack bag got stuck on the spiral again and I thought I could knock it off before I got caught.
I usually just buy a second snack.
Yeah, well, screw that. If I'm paying a dollar seventy for 1.5 ounces of Corn Nuts, I better be at a baseball game.

 

by ZMannZilla
5-14-10
Zero wind and about 100 yards to the pin...
It's just a straight shot over an open fairway, but uphill... Hmm, maybe a five or six iron?
NODENS WAGERS $20 THAT YE COULDN'T GET IT OVER THE LAKE WITH A THREE WOOD! HAVE YE THE TESTICLES TO ACCEPT NODENS' CHALLENGE?
That would be stupid, Nodens! The ball would zip right across the green into that giant patch of rough! Golf isn't all macho power-hitting, you know.
NODENS GROWS IMPATIENT WITH THY STALLING!!! THE GAUNTLET HATH BEEN CAST!!! CEASE THE WEEPING OF THY VAGINA!!!
You leave your disurbing and numerous theories about my genitals out of this!

 

by ZMannZilla
5-15-10
Hey Lou, add me as a Facebook friend!
I only have one book with a face on it, Nyarlathotep, and you're already in it. Necronomicon ring a bell?
No, you humorously anachronistic foil! Facebook is an internet site that helps you connect with your friends and play games!
You live next door, and you don't even knock when you come in! Plus, we just played golf together yesterday! Why would we need to be MORE connected?
I'd explain, but at this point I doubt you'd understand. See, I just needed one more neighbor in my FarmVille game and-
Oh, FARMVILLE! Yeah, I'll totally add you!

 

by ZMannZilla
5-15-10
Ah wow, look at that. Some lucky nooblet could get in on this Comic Cup action.
Brilliant! You should totally go for it.
C'mon... everyone hates us nooblets! They accuse us of never having any good ideas!
Don't let that stop you. C'mon. What's the funniest thing a nooblet could do? C'mon, right off the top of your head.
Ow. This nail is making me kinda umfumdizzy.
Where the hell did you come from, anyways? Do they even have humor there?

 

by ZMannZilla
5-15-10
Well, big surprise there, ambitious nooblet. Your first attempt was a failure. I mean seriously, "hammer 1-1"?
I don't get it! Physical comedy is pure gold in every other medium!
...as it was, when your pre-existing graphic of a body was in its original context, but here, as a ubiquetous punchline meme, it isn't capable of the same impact!
Wow. Words, ideas... you know, I'm just not following you here.
It means RTFAQ, GET WIKI'D AND LURK MOAR, NOOBTARD!
Hey, I know! I could swear a lot! Sphincter bitches, y'all!

 

by ZMannZilla
5-16-10
Check it out, Kimkim! I scored an Action4R device! With this, we can hack reality itself to get the rarest and most powerful of Dorkemon!
My heart tells me this is wrong, but my head tells me this is very wrong. I think you better return that thing.
Oh c'mon, my online friends assure me it's perfectly safe! Tell me you haven't always wanted a shiny Mewdox.
Well, nothing justifies throwing caution to the wind quite like instant access to ultra-rare Dorkemon. Fire it up, Drax!
Wait, it's asking for a "game index code", what the hell is that?
TURN IT OFF TURN IT OFF TURN IT OFF TURN IT OFF TURN IT OFF TURN IT OFF!!!!

 

by ZMannZilla
5-20-10
I am Jack's disappointment.
Hey, you asked.
And I'm sorry I did. Change back to Brad Pitt now please.

 

My Chemical Romance's Gerard Way gets his hands on the Deathnote...
...and now, after the deaths of Peter Steele, Ronnie James Dio and Slipknot's Pig, the world asks itself, who is next?
How many Y's are in "Marilyn Manson"? Hmmm...
by ZMannZilla, 5-26-10

 

by ZMannZilla
5-26-10
ZMannZilla accepts a Comic Competition Award...
I'd like to thank the six Russian babies whose death made my punchline possible, the sicko judge that found infant ass-rape funny, and-
Hey ZMannZilla.
Um, excuse me young man, but I'm a little busy accepting a Comic Competition award for "World's Worst Birth Control Themed Punchline", could you please go back to your seat?
Yo, it was a good strip, and I'm-a let you finish, but Injokester had one of the best baby butt-fuck strips of all time.
I really hope it still says "Fuck Off" on the back of my shirt, otherwise this punchline's not going to be funny either.

 

by ZMannZilla
5-26-10
Chris Hansen stars in an exciting new show inspired by the hit crime drama "24"...
*zzzZZZzzz*
*zzzZZZzzz*
...debuting on "The 24 Network"
*zzzZZZzzz*
ONLY 2 HOURS AND 10 MINUTES TO LISTERINE AND THEN IT'S TIME TO HAVE A SEAT, KIDDIE-DIDDLERS! YOU SICKOS ARE ON BORROWED TIME!!!

 

by ZMannZilla
5-30-10
Do you believe this crap, Shoggoth? HEY! HURRY UP DOWN THERE! How long have they been putting now?
About ninety seconds, Lou.
You can't be serious, it's been like forever! Are they calculating their shots with an abacus or something?
I am in awe of whatever circumstances made an impatient cuss like you enjoy golf.
It helps me relax.
You relax by whining every five minutes? I had no idea "Cthulhu" was a Jewish name.

 

by ZMannZilla
5-31-10
Our ratings are in the crapper, Merv. We really need to get people watching the Discovery Channel again!
That's nice, now quit staring at me while I'm scratching my balls! That is the LAST time I use a Thai mail order hooker!
I can't help it Merv, it's kind of... hypnotizing. I wish I knew why I was fascinated by you right now.
So you're hypnotically fascinated by a dirty old guy with a dangerous method of catching crabs? This gives me an idea...
Six seasons later...
On this episode of Deadliest Catch, Phil tries a solution of 2% permethrin cream and lindane shampoo on his potentially lethal pubic infestation.
OMG THIS MEMORIAL DAY MARATHON IS AMAZING

 

by ZMannZilla
5-31-10
Oh boy, my package from F'tagnHut has arrived! My glee is barely containable!
Finally, I'll own a complete set of self-cleaning sacrificial knives and OH GOD NO STAY BACK STAY BAAAAACK!!!
...but then I was wedged in the PO box so he got away.
Heh. Dumb-ass.

 

The default "blank comic" template in Stripcreator is now different in Arizona.
by ZMannZilla, 5-31-10

 

by ZMannZilla
6-04-10

 

by ZMannZilla
6-06-10
Hey buddy, is this an American? Am I talkin wit an American? I don' wanna talk ta some Injun.
*sigh* Yes, sir, you're talking to an American.
How do I know y'ain't one'a dem Injuns? Prove yer American, boy!
Sir, if you can understand me when I talk, it shouldn't matter. Now if you'll tell me the nature of your problem, I can-
NICE TRY BOY, now PROVE YER AMERICAN!!!
I hate you and want you to die based solely on your shitty English. Is that American enough for you?

 

Radíkovice (Czech pronunciation: [ˈraɟiːkovɪtsɛ]) is a village in the Czech Republic.
...and that's our entire Wikipedia entry. No wonder we don't get tourists!
Seriously? Nothing about the talking dinosaurs?
by ZMannZilla, 6-11-10

 

by ZMannZilla
6-11-10
Say, Mr. Jumpman, I noticed that Nintendo is coming out with a new game pak for the DS called 100 Classic Books. Care to comment?
Thank a-so much, ZMannZilla. Actually, the title, she is-a misnomer, because-a you can download-a more books with-a you Nintendo Wifi Connection!
Also a misnomer: the word "game".
I beg-a to differ, you counterfeit Koopa. Challenge you friends for-a highest Words Per Minute reading speed - or crush them in Trivia Mode!
Will these competitive features mimic other Nintendo games? Please tell me there's a blue shell I can use to induce illiteracy.
We find that power up was-a redundant in the US version.

 

by ZMannZilla
6-20-10
Ah, bienvenue!
You sleazebags! How dare you name yourselves the "Cirque Du So Gay" and perform such sleazy tricks!
Wait, what?
You heard me! How dare you charge people money to make them watch you have anal sex on top of spinning giraffes while two men in a bear costume are blowing a clown on a motorcycle?!
Wha... It's called "Cirque Du Soleil", and we don't do any of that!
HOW DARE YOU CALL MY GRANDSON A LIAR???

 

by ZMannZilla
6-20-10
You know that guy in college you experimented with, to see if you were gay?
Remember how awkward you both felt, going through the motions and deciding it just wasn't for you, and you searched his eyes, hoping he found it just as uncomfortable?
Well, I dunno how he got my number, but since his crying ended with a gunshot on the voicemail, I'd say don't bother calling him back.

 

by ZMannZilla
6-21-10
Oh wow. I think I just hit Stephen Hawking.
What? You mean THE Stephen Hawking?
Yeah, him. Wheelchair guy. Wrote A Brief History Of Time. Stephen Hawking.
That's really bizarre. Why do you think that?
HELP . . . HELP . . . HELP . . . HELP . . . HELP . . . HELP . . . HELP . . . HELP . . .
He died three miles ago and still won't shut up.

 

by ZMannZilla
6-22-10
Dude, that was totally ________!

 

by ZMannZilla
6-23-10
~Every once in a great while, a cesarean section is required. This is where we cut a therapeutic hole into your wife's abdomen and safely tear the baby out.~
Oh, gross! Sure, make us watch a C-section on the night that it's our turn to bring the snacks... $40 spent on hummus that I will never get back. THANK YOU.
~But don't worry. This procedure is safe, painless, and we even hang a privacy curtain between you, her, and the procedure so you don't have to witness such a maddening horror.~
Oh, good, because I was afraid you were going to
~Now let's watch one~! (^_^)

 

OPC52: Compose a one panel comic which incorporates one or more of the following theme words: world, cup, foot, ball. Below is a reason why you shouldn't try and force it for the sake of a CC.
We Are Best Nation At Ball In A Cup!
"Vuvuzela" is my generation's "Buttafuco"!
by ZMannZilla, 6-23-10

 

by ZMannZilla
6-26-10
I'd like to have a word with you about the steak I ordered.
Was it not rare enough, sir?
You brought me a live cow. It couldn't get any rarer. But I cut into it and blood got all over the place.
Well, at least it didn't go into the chowder.
A-ha, I was wondering why the waiter put an aquarium on my table.

 

by ZMannZilla
6-27-10
Thank you for calling Field & Stream Magazine, this is Rudy, how can I help you?
Mmm-hmm. Uh-huh. Mmm-hmm.
Well, while we appreciate the offer, Ms. Gaga, I don't think we can use you on our cover.

 

by ZMannZilla
6-27-10
No, Ms. Gaga, you can't be on the cover of Field & Stream.
For starters, because you aren't a fish, bird, or animal hunted for sport. It takes more than just being a celebrity to be on our cover.
Well, maybe if you were a little more familiar with the life of Ted Nugent, you'd understand why we made that exception.

 

by ZMannZilla
6-27-10
Ms. Gaga, there is no reason to put you on the cover of Field & Stream Magazine. You're like the complete opposite of "nature".
No, there really isn't anything you can do for me to change my mind. Especially not that. But thanks for the offer.
Yeah, well, maybe it's because yours is bigger that I'm turning you down, you ever think of that?

 

by ZMannZilla
6-27-10
Hey Rudy. How's things in the world of Field & Stream?
Bizarre. I just got a call from Lady Gaga, demanding to be on the cover.
Oh, crap. You said "yes", right?
Um, no. She's neither a field or a stream. There's no reason to put her on the cover.
Wow. You have no idea how I ended up in this wheelchair, do you?
I'm beginning to think it's related to Lady Gaga being on the cover of Scientific American last month?

 

by ZMannZilla
6-27-10
Voicemail... Hey, Ms. Gaga, it's Rudy again, from Field & Stream. I've thought about your generous offer, and we'd love to have you on our cover.
Please give us a call back so we can schedule a photo session, and thank you in advance for not breaking my spine with your massive teeth.
Did I just drag this wood chipper down here for nothing?
NO! YES! WHATEVER! JUST DON'T HURT ME!

 

From the Disney vault: Audition reel from Beatrice The Love Missile (1966)
Oh Rod, take me into your arms! We shall defy the odds and I will bear you lots of beautiful children!
This is a Disney movie, ma'am. We can't be showing ungodly abominations like childbirth.
by ZMannZilla, 6-29-10

 

by ZMannZilla
6-29-10
So um, has the 545 bus come by here yet by any cha
You seem nice. You seem very nice. NASA and the Egyptians are being prevented from telling us the truth about 2012 by Barack
Obama whose CIA connections are funded by the money saved on the fake moon landings HEY COME BACK THIS CARD HAS A YOUTUBE LINK ON IIIIIIT

 

by ZMannZilla
6-29-10
OK then, well? What do we need to do to revive our company?
Um. Um. Uhhhhhh. Ummmm...
GLITCH-DANGIT, BOBTRON, didn't you pay attention at ALL during any of those board meetings and seminars you were always in?
What, those? Hell no, those were boring. I played with my cellphone during those.
We're doomed.
I used to sit there on my cellphone, buying hundreds of dollars of these little video games so I wouldn't be so- HOLY MARYTRON MOTHERBOARD OF GOD I GOT IT!!!

Showing page 3.

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