All comics by travisweird

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by travisweird
4-20-05
Disney movies make me cry.
I only have one testicle.
Let's never speak of this again.

 

by travisweird
4-20-05
Look at you. You're not good looking. Everyone knows what a loser you are. And nobody's ever going to love you because you always hurt their feelings. Might as well face it.
YEAH WELL SAME TO YOU ASSHOLE!

 

by travisweird
4-20-05
Attention sinners! I am adding some new titles to your movie library, including Gigli, You Got Served, and The Usual Suspects.
Sweet! The Usual Suspects is an awesome movie!
Yeah! And I had Bob Sagget dub over the whole thing!
WOAH! I dropped my coffee, I'm so clumsy! WOOPS I dropped my cigarette! Hey who is the biggest gangster in the sea? Al Caprawn!
I really should have pushed for that plea bargain in purgatory.

 

by travisweird
4-20-05
Son, I have an idea for a new creation. Check it out... a slug... with claws... so it can defeat snails!
That's dumber than when you made the flying fish. Or the hairless cat. Or the star-nosed mole.
Hey I was high when I made the star-nosed mole, alright?
Yeah, what about the petrified forest? Who's omnipitent idea was that?
Sometimes I regret making the intelligent ape.
Ouch Dad, ouch.

 

by travisweird
4-20-05
Hey man, you know what I just realized? It's 4/20! Let's light up!
No man, Hitler was born on 4/20! We cant celebrate, it would be like worshipping Satan! I am officially moving 4/20 to 4/21.
Tony Danza was born on 4/21. And he didn't kill all those little jews.
Hey you know what I just realized? It's 4/21 Eve! Let's light up!
Yes! Bring out El Kabong!

 

by travisweird
4-20-05
Graykane?
Did you add me to your favorites list and then take me off?
No, but I'm making a new comic and I want your input. What's funnier, a granny raping anus or a cocksucking fetus?
AccentuateNegative?
Did you get rid of Inflatable Man?
No, I just hid it in the closet so no one would find it.
Travisweird!
I didn't think anyone actually reads my comics!
You just popped Inflatable Man's heart.

 

by travisweird
4-22-05
Somewhere along the infinite stretch of time, the big bang occurred and created all the matter in the universe. On the third planet from the sun life began with a single cell...
Excuse me.
It's not easy being an amoeba.
Evolution lead to five kingdoms of creatures which evolved to survive on the land. After a comet destroyed the dinosaurs, mammals inherited the earth...
You realize he's copy and pasting this from carlsagan.com
You obviously haven't heard my gay dinosaur theory.
The hairiest mammal evolved into the modern day man, the first creature to ponder the point of existence. 10000 years later their sun would burn out and the story of life on Earth ends.
With this banana peel, I will invent slapstick.
I'm pondering the point of this long-ass comic!!!

 

by travisweird
4-22-05
Take me to your leader!
Oh I'm sorry, he died 2000 years ago.
...Quit staring down there. We don't have reproductive organs alright! What, you think that makes you better than us?
So... you don't have porn on your planet?
This storyline doesn't make any sense. I come over to fix her megaship... then have sex with her and her roommate?
Zornoids don't care about storytelling! All they want is big bloboids, big spilacks, and lots of anal probing!

 

by travisweird
4-22-05
Ernie tries the personals...
Your ad said you look like Jude Law. You look NOTHING like Jude Law!
You're not so great yourself four-eyes!
Ernie tries artificial love...
CLANGO CANNOT LOVE (*tear*)
All the good ones are either gay or emotionless robots!
Ernie finds love for two hundred dollars an hour...
How long is this going to take?
Well... you know what they say, 9 eyes...

 

by travisweird
4-22-05
I heard you nailed the queen last night! What was that like?
Oh man... she's got a thorax like Jennifer Lopez!
Remember when Paully made love to that praying mantis and she bit his head off? That was classic!
Poor bastard should have watched a little more pbs.
Isn't it great that our sole purpose in life is to mate with the queen while all the ugly female bees are the worker bees!
I don't care what these liberal left-winged bees say, makin' honey is women's work!

 

by travisweird
4-23-05
Herbie was born on April 16th, along with his twin brother Herpie who mysteriously suffocated in their crib.
Mommy's tits ain't big enough for the both of us.
During the Vietnam War Herbie served as a canadian mountee, and recieved an honorary award from the canadian government: first place in an Ernest Borgnine look-a-like contest.
Get out of here, there's a war going on!
Last week Herbie died at age 47 when he intentionally tried to run over a hedgehog in the road, popping his tires and swerving into a crowd of schoolchildren. His parents offered these words...
Good riddance!
Good riddance!

 

by travisweird
4-27-05
A cat is placed in a box, together with a radioactive atom.
I don't like where this is going.
If the atom decays, a hammer kills the cat; if the atom doesn't decay, the cat lives.
Which raises one question, what does Schrodinger have against cats?
As the atom is considered to be in either state before the observer opens the box, the cat must thus be considered to be simutaneously dead and alive.
Its a cat-22.
I hope no one out there is trying to to prove this theory!

 

by travisweird
4-27-05
Heeeeeeey Jenneeeeeeeeeeee! Let's do something on Monday after church.
Hmmm, she picked a pretty good looking comic character for this Mark guy.
Hello Mark. I noticed your character is better looking than mine, no offense to Boorite. Your character has a Johnny Depp sort of thing going on.
(Hey girls, notice how much more badass Travis is than Mark!)
Well in my comics, I make the rules. I present... the new Mark!
AARGH!!! A MORMON CURSE ON YOU!

 

by travisweird
4-28-05
Mr. Jackson, you're trying to seduce me.
Nooo! Thats silly! Quit being silly, silly!
Oh god, are you the elephant man's bones?
I'm one of Michael's skeletons in the closet. Get out of here now, before your career gets cursed like Macully Culkin or Corey Feldman!
Is this the train out of Neverland Ranch?
Yeah but it goes straight to Mister Rogers' World of Imagination, and you don't want to know what kind of sick twisted stuff goes on there!

 

by travisweird
4-29-05
How about Melinda and Melinda? I mean I don't like Will Ferrel at all, but I LOVE Nicole Kidman!
Yeah... me... too... I... hate... Will... Ferrel... but... I love... Nicole... Kidman... She's so... great... at whatever it is... she does... acting... I guess...
Yeah!
Notice Travis is missing from the third panel. This is because he has decided to rent Annie Hall and SNL's The Best of Will Ferrel instead.
What about you, are you a mormon?
Don't turn around, don't make eye contact, just keep walking.

 

by travisweird
4-30-05
I don't think you're what we're looking for as Shane's new love interest. For starters, you're blatantly male.
No, I'm just butch! Like Rosie O'Donnel!
Did you hear her honey? She doesn't believe we're real butch lesbians!
Oh that bitch!
Hi, can I help you?
My art teacher says I get an A if I become a lesbian.

 

by travisweird
5-02-05
Hey kid, I appreciate the nose and buttons, but do you think you could give me a penis and balls like every other teenager does?
Bad snowman!
...Why are you looking at me like that?
I'm sorry Dave... they don't make snow women.
Good news folks, it looks like spring is right around the corner!
I hate that guy.

 

by travisweird
5-03-05
Lets talk about the time your mother wanted to leave you in a hotel in Lake Tahoe.
I'd rather not. It wasn't even a nice hotel. One and a half stars.
Does your mother still drink?
Yeah, she makes me drive her to the liquor store. One time I hit a cement block and she said the whole point of me driving to the liquor store is so we don't hit things on the way there.
Are you going to give her anything this sunday for mother's day?
Maybe. She just gave away my metal detector and now shes sleeping within the extended family. I'm thinking about giving her a subpoena.

 

by travisweird
5-03-05
Lets talk about your sexual frustrations. Are you still having erotic dreams every night?
I used to have a hard time getting laid in my dreams, she'd get naked and I'd wake up. Now I cant wake up and theres an uncomfortable silence afterwards when she says I love you.
Didn't you say you were in an adult film once?
No... my friend Justin wanted to make a porno with this black guy and a goth girl while I watched. But it fell through, and so did my plan of showing up in blackface.
Of course all of this stems from you being molested as a child.
Yes. Some big girl pinned me down during recess and stuck her tongue in my mouth. I yelled rape but the others kept singing about me and her sitting in a tree. Its a scary world.

 

by travisweird
5-03-05
Lets talk about your anger management issues. When was the last time you lost your temper?
One time at the halloween store I snapped at a customer and her husband wanted to kick my ass, but he dropped it when he found out I was an employee there.
Uh-huh.
I couldn't believe he had the balls if he really thought I had been Neo from The Matrix.
Well I doubt he thought that.
I think he still thought I was Neo too, but was scared to find out Dracula and Mr. T were my co-workers.

 

by travisweird
5-04-05
Lets talk about your life during high school. Did you ever go to the prom?
Yeah, I took an anorexic girl to the prom. It sucked because the dj played Baby Got Back, and we couldn't dance to it without being ironic.
I see.
Everyone drank mountain dew in high school, which doesn't make you impotent it just makes your sperm explode. Really I think its disturbing that men carry millions of living creatures in their balls.
You feel grossed out?
No I feel bad. Every time I jerk off in the shower its like a holocaust going down the drain.

 

by travisweird
5-04-05
Lets talk about when you first learned about sex.
My dad took me camping, and he gave me that book Where Did I Come From, and he told me to read it because he wasn't really sure.
And you're confused about your sexuality?
Not really, but in the past 19 years none of my friends have turned out to be gay. Its so boring I feel like throwing my hands in the air and saying Alright! Its me!
But you do have an unusual nun fetish?
Yes, because its the ultimate challenge, its like trying to get her to cheat on god with you. And in a thunderous voice I like to shout "WHOS YOUR DADDY NOW???"

 

by travisweird
5-05-05
I WILL lose 10 pounds!
Oh come on son, I bought a whole pizza just for you! And cookies and ice cream and steaks and those little fried jalapenos bloated with cheese!
I WILL quit smoking!
Hey there big boy, for three dollars you can suck me and my nineteen skinny friends!
Not much chance I'll stop raping chickens any time soon.
Hey! I wasn't going to pressure you!

 

by travisweird
5-07-05
Son, I have a confession to make. When you were a baby I had a hormonal imbalance called post-partem depression, and I almost choked you with a Gerber spoon.
Jesus fucking Christ! Is that why you only had one kid?
No there were others. So! What did you get me for Mother's Day?
I was thinking about a new set of kitchen knives, but that's out. How about a restraining order?
A Halmark Moment!
Oh come on. I love you, and I promise I'll never try to kill you again.
And I promise to stop drinking from the milk carton just in case.

 

by travisweird
5-09-05
...But its not telemarketing, we call customers who signed the contract when they ordered Direct TV. If they don't read the fine print thats their problem.
Of course, I agree full heartedly.
We don't call them at home either. The computer does that, then we pick up.
Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking calling it telemarketing!
The third panel is brought to you in truth-o-vision, the same concept used in the sci-fi film "They Live"
I'm glad you've decided to sell us your soul, even if you wont fuck other people in the ass in the process.
Yes I'll suck dick for money but I wont butt rape. I have standards.

 

by travisweird
5-15-05
AHHHHH!!!
OH GOD!!!!!!!
MOMMY!!!!!!
HES TRYING TO GET ME!!!!!
Mr. Eisner, I think its time we shut down the Michael Jackson 3-D Adventure.
Dammit! First Gary Glitter Mountain, now this!

 

by travisweird
5-17-05
Hey you! I'm a plumber, not a retard!

 

by travisweird
5-17-05
Your test results came back, you only have three months left to live.
Hmmm... three months...
Hi this is T-Mobile, how can I help you?
Hello, I'd like to sign up for your four month plan.
Okay, just one moment...
Suckers!

 

by travisweird
5-19-05
Sigh. Looks like I'll be joining you in three months, Gramps.
I'm over here!
Jesus fucking Christ!!!
Come on I was just fucking with ya! Its so hard to make friends in this place.

 

by travisweird
5-22-05
My daughter ain't gonna' marry no hippie pollock meat-head! (*laughter*)
Are you wasting your life away watching the television?
Shit thats right, I only have thirty days to live!
Well don't stop now because we're starting our thirty day Sanford And Son Marathon!!!
SWEEEEET

 

by travisweird
5-22-05
Hello, Doc? I forgot to mark my calendar, how long did you say I have to live, four days or three months?
Three months.
Oh good, thank you.
Your welcome.
Fuck off!

 

by travisweird
5-22-05
Goodbye Mom, I'm going to Europe before I die.
Wear a condom!
This is your captain speaking, we are experiencing some serious turbulence but we will be landing in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean shortly.
GOODBYE FRENCH WHORES!
GOODBYE DISNEYLAND-PARIS!
Um... did you eat your on-flight peanuts yet?
FUCK YOU, YOU ATE YOURS, THATS YOUR PROBLEM!

 

by travisweird
5-22-05
Come on, lets make a raft out of this palm tree and get out of here!
I think its inspiring that you're determined to survive even though you only have three months to live.
I just want a fucking cigarette!
Oh. Well either way, I think you're... a really great person, that I'd like to get to know.
Hey if you're feeling horny just do what I do, use those cocanuts back there.
FUCK! I thought that was cocanut milk!

 

by travisweird
5-23-05
I spy... a short guy with dorky boxer shorts and a general dislike for all humanity.
It's me.
Thats right! I spy... a fishing boat.
What!? Where!?
Just kidding.
That does it, I'm going Donner Party on your fat ass!!

 

by travisweird
5-24-05
Greetings, I am Jebediah, from the planet Wisconsin.
Hi. Dont eat the cocanuts.
I picked up you and your friend's telepathic distress messages and I'm here to save you.
So come on lets go, wheres your friend?
Oh didn't you get the message? I ate him.

 

by travisweird
5-28-05
This is a nice spaceship. Jeez, look how polluted Earth is. Um, I hate to be an intergalactic homophobe but you aren't one of those anally probing aliens are you?
Haha, don't worry, I'm as straight as your planet's Tom Cruise or Rock Hudson.
Oh God whats happening!?
Don't worry! Its just a power outage.
...I feel strange...like I just had a very close encounter of the third kind.
Now you can tell all your friends back home you're a trisexual!

 

by travisweird
5-28-05
Whats this button do?
Thats the teleporti-
-ng device... oh dear.
You dun probed me fer the last time! Now you sqee like a piggy cuz its mah turn!
I saved your ass!
I said thanks, what do you want me to do, suck your cock?

 

by travisweird
5-28-05
I'm gonna' teleport myself out of here. Goodbye Cancer.
Its Prancer.
My god... I've teleported through time! YOU BLEW IT ALL UP!!! GODDAM YOU!!! GODDAM YOU ALL TO HELL!!!
Or are they remaking this movie again?
Get off of my set!

 

by travisweird
5-29-05
In a bar somewhere in downtown Hollywood...
I'm supposed to be having this life affirming journey, but so far all thats being affirmed is that I was destined to be lonely.
Totally!
Obviously you know how I feel. Life didn't seem like it would ever get better so you let yourself go, stopped showering, and became an alcoholic.
So true!
You look like a cross between Clive Owen and Heath Ledger!
Amen!

 

by travisweird
5-29-05
Sheriff Watson, I'm callin' you out!
Jesus Christ, do I look like Sheriff Watson?
I mean I'm actually calling you out. I'm a cowboy in West Hollywood, you do the math.
YEEEHA!!!
RAW HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDE!!!

 

by travisweird
5-30-05
Whats wrong with your legs?
They always hurt cuz I have tight ham-strings. I hate it cuz it makes me feel like that pathetic crippled guy in that one movie... jeez what was that movie?...
Watch out for that taxi.
HEY I'M WALKIN' HERE! Jeez, some people. God, what was that movie?
Bridges of Madison County?
Thats it!

 

by travisweird
6-01-05
So I says, "Well, them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves!"
Ha, ha!
I just got major deja vu.

 

by travisweird
6-05-05
This is where I live, let me introduce you to my pimp!
Hey.
So you like cowboys huh? Whatchyoo want, I got your Gary Cooper, I got a guy that screws like John Wayne, whatever you want, Pilgrim.
I've got to get out of this city.
BITCH! What I be telling you 'bout wearing spurs in bed!?

 

by travisweird
6-11-05
Hello and welcome to The Last Wish Foundation, how may I help you?
Hi, whats the cut-off age?
Oh, about two weeks before they die.
No, I mean I'm dying in two and a half months but I'm 19 years old, am I still eligible?
Well, we can always make exceptions.
Oh good! I'd like to unrelentlessly fuck Angelina Jolie's brains out.

 

by travisweird
6-11-05
I beg your pardon!
Okay, I'll settle for a plane ticket to Tibet. But not with American Airlines, I had a bad experience with them once.
We can work that out. Can I see a doctor's certificate?
Alright, but personally I wouldn't take it because its been in my pocket for weeks and my rare disease is highly contagious.
Oh God, you didn't thumb through the magazines in the waiting room, did you??
Yeah... you better throw away all your Ranger Rick's.

 

by travisweird
6-20-05
4 days later, in Tibet...
Hello, I'm looking for The Temple of Spiritual Enlightenment, can you tell me where that is? I mean I know you took a vow of silence but um, I'm pretty good at charades.
Dammit, I forgot my camera!

 

by travisweird
6-20-05
I'm dying in a little over two months and I want to find spiritual enlightenment before then.
Looking for spiritual enlightenment with western philosophy is like going to IHOP for waffles. Consider this your International House of Waffles.
What do I need to do to join the monastary?
Yeah right, I wouldn't let you join my monastary if you were my own son.
Yeah well fuck you too Ben Kingsley.

 

by travisweird
6-20-05
Oh mighty oracle, what messages have you for me this week?
Yesterday you turned a young dying man down from joining the monastary. You must bring him back, for he is the chosen one.
The chosen one! For what?
For a randomly selected survey on the creation of the universe.
Oh chosen one... The Oracle would like to speak to you.
Its about time!

 

by travisweird
6-20-05
You wanted to see me?
Yes, okay... on a scale of 1-5, how would you rate the universe?
3.
Okay... interesting. On a scale of 1-5, 1 being unsatisfactory, 3 being not sure, and 5 being perfect how would you rate my performance as creator of everything?
Can we skip that one, I don't want to be spited.
This is a totally objective survey, no ones going to be spited. Turned into a pillar of salt maybe, but no spiting.

 

by travisweird
6-20-05
As you know I'm dying in a couple of months, is there any way you would consider using your powers to prevent this?
First lets finish the survey. If you had to rate sex on a scale of 1-5, what would you say?
Oh I'm sorry, next question...

Showing page 3.

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