All comics by ivytheplant

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by ivytheplant
2-02-07
My best friend, Julio, was killed by an inexplicable noncorporeal entity.
Wow, I'm sorry to hear that.
It was a shocking loss. I'll probably never get over it and be angst-ridden for eternity.
Have fun with that.
One week later...
So how are you holding after the death of Julio?
Who?

 

by ivytheplant
2-02-07
Check out my new paintings! This one says we are alone in the universe, struggling against the emptiness.
If the universe has depth, then yes, I can see how you would struggle against it.
This painting makes the viewer feel like they're a giant! He's the face of corporate evil come to eliminate small businesses!
You have dysfunctional depth perception, don't you?
This painting is about the current political struggles people suffer through.
I'm going to Home Depot.

 

by ivytheplant
2-02-07
We have a variety of alien delicacies from all over the quadrant. Would you like to try some S'nuq Xzbt Pah?
Uh...sure.
Here you are, madam.
It's a starfruit painted silver.
Ah...ahem, no, it's, ah, an alien delicacy...
Are you sure this is edible?

 

by ivytheplant
2-05-07
I don't feel so well doc. I'm tired all the time, my body aches, and I can't quench my thirst.
Anywhere else I'd say you're fighting a cold, but I've diagnosed that you have a disease no one has ever heard of before.
This probably was caused by some inexplicable mechanical device we just happened to pick up today, so I'll need an engineer just in case.
Can't I just take some Sudafed and go lie down?
Nonsense! I'm going to subject you to a dazzling array of treatments, in the hope that one of them will actually work.

 

by ivytheplant
2-05-07
Look, I feel fine, can't I just go to bed early and have some soup?
I'm sorry, but my calculations suggest that this virus is going to turn you into some sort of insect.
What?
Yes, it appears to be part of a complicated reproductive procedure the virus uses.
I want a second opinion.
You're going to have weird alien babies!

 

by ivytheplant
2-06-07
I have an interpersonal conflict with you that will never be resolved.
I too have an interpersonal conflict with you that will never be resolved.
One hour later...
Hooray! We've resolved our differences!
You're my best friend now!
Let's have sex.

 

by ivytheplant
2-06-07
I have an interpersonal conflict with you that will never be resolved.
I too have an interpersonal conflict with you that will never be resolved.
One hour later...
Jack died in a freak ion storm.
He was a brave soul and warm individual. Too bad I never got to tell him that.
Let's have sex.

 

by ivytheplant
2-06-07
Hey, I'd like a chicken sandwich and small coke---
Behold! It is I, God of Wisdom! Before thou gets thy sandwich and coke, thou must perform an inexplicable and complicated task!
Look, I just want some food, okay?
If thou completest thine task, thou will get to go about thy business!
And if I fail, you'll destroy all humankind?
No, thou shalt have to drink diet coke and shalt get no fries!

 

by ivytheplant
2-07-07
I found enlightenment today.
Cool.
It made me rethink everything about my life and how I live. I'm a changed woman.
I wish you luck on your new path.
One week later...
Get out of my way you goddamned superstitious freak.

 

by ivytheplant
2-07-07
I have established myself as a thoroughly spiritual individual. I hold firmly spiritual beliefs that no one can shake.
Ok.
Rest assured, I will blather on about it every fucking time I can.
Uh...sure.
The one goddamned time his shit would actually be appropriate...
My faith has brought me here to do something faithy.
OMG TEH SCIENCE!!11!!1

 

by ivytheplant
2-07-07
Ensign Blake is totally into me. I'm in love.
Sweet.
This is so awesome! After a lifetime of searching, I finally found true love!
Wait, did you say Ensign Blake?
Yeah?
Isn't that her getting mauled by a pack of wolverines?

 

by ivytheplant
2-07-07
After the love of my life was tragically killed by a pack of wolverines, I have managed to move on with my life.
Good for you, mate.
She was a picky eater anyway.
Yup.
Yup, I have truly moved on.
Hey, isn't that your dead ex-girlfriend back from the dead?

 

by ivytheplant
2-07-07
I have a new girlfriend again. It was hard to love again after my ex was mauled by a pack of wolverines and came back from the dead, but I managed.
Shit happens.
Stacey is over there.
Where? I don't see her.
There, by the lifeguard station.
You mean the hologram?

 

by ivytheplant
2-07-07
Blah blah blah theories on Atlantis.
This guy's hair is making me distrust his credibility.
Blah blah blah evidence in some Greek writings.
I really shouldn't do that. I should look at this with an open mind.
The story of Atlantis is like Star Wars...
Nevermind...

 

by ivytheplant
2-09-07
"And when her Vermont Teddy Bear arrives, well, you can almost hear it now..."
*high pitched shrieks that cause dogs across the town to bark*
If you get me one of those goddamned teddy bears for Valentine's, I will rip out your heart and eat it.
So, you'd like a knife then?

 

by ivytheplant
2-10-07
Dear tenant. If you do not pay the rent you owe, you must vacate the premises in three days. Please note the premises must be left the way you found them.

 

by ivytheplant
2-10-07
Whoa, I see Michael Jackson and George Carlin's faces in the bathroom tile.
Now Michael Jackson's face looks like the Martian Manhunter.
I need to get out more.

 

by ivytheplant
2-12-07
For the crime of killing two college girls and setting them on fire, you are hereby sentenced to two consecutive life sentences.
For being so stupid that you were smoking a cigarette while pouring the gasoline, you get the death penalty.
Dipshit.

 

by ivytheplant
2-13-07
*drip drip*
*drip drip*
*drip drip*
I take it the plumbers haven't fixed the leak yet.
Ivy the Ninja Tenant will slaughter those lazy fools!

 

by ivytheplant
2-13-07
You see, officer, I saw this unusual formation that's unlike anything previously discovered.
Uh-huh.
Normally that kind of configuration would explode, but this one wasn't and I didn't know why.
Yeah.
So I drove into it.
Congratulations, you're a moron. Here's your ticket.

 

by ivytheplant
2-15-07
Let's be friends!
I want sex.
One week later...
Let's have hot sex!
I'd rather be friends, but okay.
The next day...
I was under the influence of a telepathic alien. It never happened.
So...no do-overs?

 

by ivytheplant
2-15-07
Meat is murder!
You're speciesist.
What are you talking about?
Unlike you, I refuse to discriminate against a single kingdom of life on earth.
Therefore, I eat all of them.

 

by ivytheplant
2-15-07
Well, I saw this cave with weird glowy lights in it.
Uhhuh.
I was getting unusual readings that have never before been discovered.
Yeah.
So I walked into it unarmed.
Congratulations, you're a moron! Here's your bill.

 

by ivytheplant
2-15-07
We live in a society that is 99% scantily clad female. We wish to use you for reproductive purposes.
Thank you, Jesus.
Your every need will be fulfilled and you will have sex whenever, wherever, and however you wish.
Praise Calliope!
Oh, it appears that your captain is forbidding you to stay on the island. I guess we will just have to find someone else.
I'm going to cut off my balls now.

 

by ivytheplant
2-15-07
Thanks to that coiner getting me up in the chalk scores, I had to coddleshell to get my over-the-broomstick honey to keep myself standing high.
Dude, why are you always making outdated cultural references?
Because knowledge is important.
I can't see how some ancient phrase is going to be useful in these modern times.
Inexplicable time travel accident! Woosh!
How was I supposed to know that meant the president's daughter was a coke whore?
Don't talk to me.

 

by ivytheplant
2-15-07
I assure you, my strength is many times that of humans. Cease your activity at once.
Guffaw! Sure it is! Put up your dukes!
CRUNCH!
Will you cease and desist now?
Please stop hurting me!
So, how many times does this make?
4,824. Not that I'm counting.

 

by ivytheplant
2-15-07
So I tied up these two beautiful women with the pretense of hot threesome bondage sex.
Wait, "pretense?" Why not for real?
Well, they were going to suck out my bodily fluids.
How is that a bad thing?
By "suck out my bodily fluids" I don't mean "hot blowjob."
Tough decision, man.

 

by ivytheplant
2-16-07
My ten year high school reunion is in a few months.
Are you planning on going?
Somewhere in Arkansas...
Ah might beat mah wife and be on welfare cause ah'm too drunk to work, but at least ah'm better'n them niggers, jews, and faggots!
Ah have fourteen kids and never left the state because ah'm afraid of gettin' infected by them Yankees!
I don't think I'd fit in.

 

by ivytheplant
2-16-07
Are you watching the Women's Entertainment channel?
Of course not. This is sports.
Sure. Have fun.
*sniff* Don't leave him, Janice!

 

by ivytheplant
2-17-07
Ma'am, we've had a lot of complaints about your vehicle from the people whose house you're parked in front of.
That's funny since we've been parking there for a year and no one has made a complaint about it.
Ma'am, I don't care. There is a 24 hour ordinance in effect. Move the vehicle.
I asked them in December if it was okay to park there and they said yes.
I will now lecture you on being such bad citizens and breaking the law.
I will now tie your testicles around your gun.

 

by ivytheplant
2-17-07
I suggest you park in front of your own house from now on.
And how the fuck am I supposed to do that? This house contains three families and two parking spaces.
Those assholes next door are one family with an entire corner to themselves, as well as an unfenced back yard they park in.
You're breaking the law.
No, I'm breaking your nose.

 

by ivytheplant
2-17-07
Ma'am, when will you be moving your vehicle?
How about sometime this spring?
That's not good enough. They want your vehicle moved in two hours.
Are these the same people who constantly block our driveway?
I wouldn't know about that.
You wouldn't know about a lot of things, would you?

 

by ivytheplant
2-17-07
Calling police dispatch...
Hi, I had an officer at my door today claiming that the neighbors have made "a lot of complaints" about our vehicle.
We've been parking there for a year, we've received no word on complaints, and the neighbors even told us it was fine.
I would like to know about those complaints you received.
We received no complaints at all from that location.

 

by ivytheplant
2-17-07
Okay, a report just came in. It was made by Officer Coka this afternoon.
So, there weren't "a lot of" complaints made?
Just the one he made.
Wait, the person who made the complaint was police officer?
I'll have him call you when he's clear.
Note to self: Leave town.

 

by ivytheplant
2-17-07
*log in to Myspace*
"You must be logged in to do that!"
*break*

 

by ivytheplant
2-17-07
*check Hotmail*
*please type your password to continue*
*type password and set to "save email address and password"*
Thank you!
An hour later...
*check Hotmail*
*please type your password to continue*

 

by ivytheplant
2-20-07
Ω;
Damn, how'd she type that? I barely figured out upside-down question marks.
The catapocalypse is upon us.

 

by ivytheplant
2-20-07
*click*
Goodnight, boorite.
Goodnight, Ivy.
MROW! MOW! YOWL! MOROW! MOW!
Sigh, there he goes again.
I wonder what he's saying.
GODDAMNIT, LOOK AT ME AND MY AMAZING PROWESS CAPTURING THE FURRY MOUSIE! LAZY-ASS UNAPPRECIATIVE HUMANS!!
Probably something about how great he is.
I wish he'd do it quietly.

 

by ivytheplant
2-20-07
*stare stare stare stare stare stare*
*stare stare stare stare stare stare*
Okay! You win! I'll give you a tortilla chip!
Me: 867 Human: 0

 

by ivytheplant
2-20-07
"Welcome to e-MVA! In today's fast-paced world, the MVA understands the need to make our services more convenient for you, the customer. We aim to simplify your life."
*order replacement car title*
"I'm sorry, you need a PIN to do that."
*request PIN*
"I'm sorry, you need to change your address to do that."
*request nuke from orbit*

 

by ivytheplant
2-20-07
I got another letter from the university. I thought you called them about this.
I did. Four times.
This is getting ridiculous.
You're telling me. They're trying to bill me for classes I wasn't allowed to take!
I meant about the address problem.
Oh, I'm sure there's a rational explanation for their idiocy.

 

by ivytheplant
2-20-07
Look, you keep sending my mother these bills and I keep calling to correct the address. What gives?
The address we have is correct.
If it's correct then why don't I live there?
Well, if that's not your address, then you should change it.
Fine, I'd like to change my address.
Oh you can't do that here. You need to call the registrar's office.

 

by ivytheplant
2-20-07
Okay, why the hell do you have my permanent address incorrect?
Oh, well we deactivated your old address because mail kept being returned.
How can that be? I haven't moved from [current address].
The address we have is [really old address].
So, when I registered for classes under [current address] you figured I wasn't being serious?
Actually, campus policy is to put our fingers in our ears and go "lalala."

 

by ivytheplant
2-21-07
Haha! I have finally figured out how to write a Ω on my computer! Take THAT furballs!
☺ ♡
Goddamnit.

 

by ivytheplant
2-21-07
Hi, I'm your new coworker. I'm fresh out of grad school with my whole life ahead of me.
Nice to meet you. I look forward to becoming friends.
Ten minutes later...
The new coworker got killed in a freak accident and/or gruesome murder.
Oh noes! He was so young and vibrant and had his whole life ahead of him.
Yes, it is a tragedy. He will be sorely missed.
Who are we talking about again?

 

by ivytheplant
2-21-07
Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to follow me for questioning.
What's going on?
Rob was killed this morning in a freak accident and/or gruesome murder.
Who?
He was a coworker that has been here for years but no one knew existed until this moment.
Bummer.

 

by ivytheplant
2-21-07
New on CBS! We strand a group of people in deserted locations with absolutely no tools and only remotely-operated satellite cameras!
Finally this time it will be a true test of survival skills!
Well, I've eaten everyone else. Now what?

 

by ivytheplant
2-21-07
Dramatic tension as to whether or not I'm evil.
Dramatic sexual tension that almost, but not quite goes anywhere.
Dramatic tension as to whether or not I'm evil.
Dramatic sexual tension that almost, but not quite goes anywhere.
Just for kicks, let's have the exact same ending for the next three episodes.
I think I'll let the sexual tension resolve itself just in time to be thrown back into chaos.

 

by ivytheplant
2-21-07
The Yaz are an early Iron Age culture suspected to be the ancestors of east Iranians.
"Yaz" sounds like some kind of acid.
Yaz is a 1980's electropop duo known as Yazoo in the UK.
Am I on acid?
Yazâ„¢ is the best birth control!
Yup, I'm on acid.

 

by ivytheplant
2-21-07
Billy! What are you doing in there?
Go away, mom! I'm playing with my Wii!
Open this door right now young man!
But mooooom! I'm almost done!
Every time you play with your Wii, God kills a kitten!
Stupid God.

Showing page 33.

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