All comics by Scyess

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by Scyess
10-13-07
What're you doing? Making a font?
Yep. It's called "hate." What do you think?
It looks very hateful. Except why do the O's look like smiling fuzzy kitten faces?
Maybe because everyone hates smiliing fuzzy kitten faces, moron.
Maybe your font just sucks, you hairy goiter.
Ha! You are helpless against hateful power of my font. Smiling fuzzy kitten faces will be your doom!

 

by Scyess
10-17-07
Donation for breast cancer? Sure... what kind of research are y'all collecting for?
Oh, no research. There are enough people collecting for that. We're actually collecting in favor of breast cancer.
Er... why?
Uhm... because everyone loves a contrarian?
I can't believe you gave that guy fifty bucks.
I couldn't help it! His arguments were too convincing!

 

by Scyess
10-22-07
It's almost Halloween! Where's this legendary scale-model-of-San-Fransisco costume you've been talking up?
It kept falling apart. So I've decided to use my telekenetic powers to reshape San Fransisco to look just like me.
KCRRRRRUUNNNCHHH
Where are these awesome mental powers when you're trying to remember to put the seat down?
No can do. But if you want I can make it look like me.

 

by Scyess
10-22-07
Welcome to Ralph's Canoe Rental. Our base price is $40. Life jackets are extra.
That's fine.
Oars are extra. _______________ Waterproof bags are extra. _______________ River maps: extra. _______________ The canoe is extra.
Um... okay. _______________ Well... all right... _______________ Fine. _______________ All right! That's enough!!!!
I thought we were going canoeing. Why are we just just standing in the river?
What do you expect for just $40?

 

by Scyess
10-22-07
You know how I've always wanted to know more about wine? Well... I just bought this book called Wine for Women!
WHY MUST PEOPLE TAKE NORMAL THINGS AND FABRICATE SOME SORT OF GENDER-SPECIFIC ASPECT TO THEM??!?!
Because it sells books, dumbass.
Excuse me. I have to go write Fork Use for Men.

 

by Scyess
10-24-07
Everyone knows Asians are better at academics, and math in particular.
So? White people perfected genocide.
Hey, Jim. What's with all the dead Asians in your driveway?
I'm getting back to my roots.

 

by Scyess
10-29-07
I'm so flat-chested it's not even funny.
I wish I had your problems. These things cause me no end of back aches.
Hey... what if the world actually contains exactly the correct amount of boobage for everyone, but the distribution just got messed up?
...and I am determined to proove my theory, no matter how much research it takes.
You are truly a man of science.

 

by Scyess
11-11-07
Got 'em! And only wounded, too!
Okay... I sterilized the wound, removed the bullet with my forceps, then sutured the whole thing closed. You're good to go.
Reckon I'll give him a few minute's head start before I go after him again.
Hunting with vetrenarians is so weird.

 

by Scyess
11-28-07
Jon... it is your thyme.
No! No! ...not me!!!
Sorry to interrupt, Jon, but half your herb garden just died.
You're really a bastard, you know that?
Watch it... I've got an eye on your cilantro.

 

by Scyess
11-28-07
I live my life by my grandfather's motto. He would always tell me the same thing:
"Play that funky music, white boy. Play that funky music right."
Your grandfather was Robert Parissi?
Could've been my grandfather's radio...

 

by Scyess
11-30-07
I'm bored.
Oh, God. Me too.
Wanna go take a vinegar bath?
Oh, yeah.
Wanna go WHERE?
A bar. They're going to get pickled.

 

by Scyess
11-30-07
I'm bored again.
Yep. Me too.
Wanna go be an exposed joist?
Yeah. All right.
Wait... where are they going now?
The bar. To get plastered.

 

by Scyess
11-30-07
Wadda ya want to do?
I dunno.
Wanna go bedpan diving?
I don't see why not.
They're going to do WHAT?
Go to bar. And get shitfaced.

 

by Scyess
11-30-07
The night is still young.
And yet here we sit.
Wanna go get pounded by sledgehammers?
Sounds good.
Did I hear that right? Where are they going?
To the nearest pub. To get smashed.

 

by Scyess
11-30-07
Bored again. Want to go invent the world's tiniest fruits?
I'm up for it.
Okay, okay... I get it. But I don't know how the hell they can turn inventing tiny fruits into a synonym for getting drunk.
It isn't. I think they're attempting a foray into bananotechnology.
DAMMIT! I thought we finished with this banana bullshit a long time ago.
Scoff if you will, but bananalysts agree bananotechnology will turn today's bananalog systems into a bananathema, if you'll pardon the bananalogy.

 

by Scyess
12-01-07
Do you like your present, honey?
You gave me... and old guy in a suit?
I'm an attourney. I'm here to serve you with a copy of the video of you fucking the mailman and a filing for divorce.
Merry Christmas, you skanky whore!
I hope I can return his monogramed nose hair trimmer.

 

by Scyess
12-01-07
I'm tired of this, Jack. You know my demands. Give me what I want or I walk.
Walk, then.
He called my bluff. I'd better find a replacement FAST or else...
Hey, Honey? Why is Jack Welch bringing us Christmas presents?
Look, do you want your share of GE and laser pointer or not?

 

by Scyess
12-02-07
I have nothing to say.
I feel like I should be saying something, since you're here and paying attention. And I like attention. But unfortunately I have nothing of value to impart.
Nevertheless, I, unthwarted, will continue to use my lips, tongue, mouth, and lungs to form sounds into words which, though grammatically correct, have no meaning or value whatsoever.
Why do I suddenly feel like I'm watching a presidential debate?

 

by Scyess
12-06-07
So now the Christmas BS really starts just before the beginning of October, and ramps steadly up to the end of November when it starts full-bore.
If you distribute the Christmasness evenly, that's two full months worth of Christmas, which is roughly 60 days a year or 16.5% of your life.
So Christmas, really, for all the hype, is actually 2.2% less special than, say, Saturdays, which are 14.3% of your life.
A simple "I didn't get you anything" would've sufficed.

 

by Scyess
12-07-07
Hey, there, Mr. Rich Person. How are you?
Oh, splended. Sales are picking up on my new breed of miniature camels.
Miniature camels?
Oh, yes. They're small enough to pass through a needle's eye!
Wow. Was it hard to breed them?
Oh, not at all! Anything's easy if you're rich enough.

 

by Scyess
12-08-07
The city has decided to shut our major arterial highway down for two years to make it faster for commuters.
This will, of course, plunge the rest of the roads and highways in town into chaos. We asked an official what kind of construction was going to take place.
"Oh, no custruction. We figure after two years enough people will have left that congestion will be significantly reduced."

 

by Scyess
12-10-07
Armageddon-o-gram.
Uh, what?
ARMAGEDDON-O-GRAM!!!!
AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!! **SLAM!!!**
Who was at the door?
It was the Post Apocolypse.

 

by Scyess
12-16-07
'Tis the season for peace on Earth and good will towards men.
Towards men, huh? What about w-
FUCK women. I'll call you when I want to spooge in someone's mouth, bitch. Until then FUCK OFF.
I swear. Some people have no respect for this season of rejoicing.
I think she's setting your car on fire.

 

by Scyess
12-20-07
Jon! It's me! I'm you, from the future! I've come to warn you that if you don't stop masturbating all the time, our dick will fall off!
In the future, do we have any need for a dick if we don't masturbate?
Looks like I wasted a trip.
Since you're me, it wouldn't be gay to ask you to come in and wank me off, would it?

 

by Scyess
12-20-07
Who was at the door?
It was me from the future.
Holy crap! What kind of amazing messages did you have for yourself?!
We mostly talked about the future of my penis.
You were talking for three hours. You didn't give yourself any stock tips or anything?
Ooo... maybe I can still catch me.

 

by Scyess
12-20-07
Your future self came back to the past to find you and all you talked about was your penis?
Almost. He also mentioned that I never got to see you naked.
Haha! Wouldn't it be a great joke on me if I actually did! Woah, wouldn't I be surprised.
Sorry. I fear a rift in the space-time continuum. _______________ And you're a creep.
Yeah, he said you'd say that. _______________ That too.

 

by Scyess
12-20-07
Hi, Mr. Fireman. Is your firehouse doing anything special for Christmas?
We're distributing egg nog.
Well, that sounds ni- GAH!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!
That didn't hurt as much as I thought, but I think I just gained 20 pounds.

 

by Scyess
12-28-07
I saw Sanna in her swimsuit the other day while I was wearing a pair of too-small sweatpants.
Uh-oh. What did you do?
I tried really hard to think of advanced stages of gum disease.
Did that work?
No. Now people with halitosis give me a hard-on.
Maybe I shouldn't've eaten that block of Gorgonzola for lunch.

 

by Scyess
1-02-08
I thought you wanted to call me this week about something...?
I did call you. I left a message on your voice mail to call me.
I know. But you never called back.
I'm not supposed to call back! The message said that you should call me back!
I don't need to call you back, because you were the one who wanted to talk to me, you lazy bastard.
There should be a law against people like you having phones at all.

 

by Scyess
1-02-08
Shesh! Black people! They sure are hard to see at night!
Watch it, Jim. I don't want to listen to any racist talk.
So touchy! It's not racist. Black people have darker skin, so it's harder to see them in low light. It's a physical fact.
Well... that's okay, I guess. This time.
Jim's really pushing my buttons these days.
Oh. Is that his car in the driveway with all the black people smashed into the radiator?

 

by Scyess
1-11-08
Isn't it amazing how much time and effort society puts into laying down rules about where you can put your own dick?
You CAN'T take it out in a restaraunt, but you CAN take it out in the restraunt's bathroom. But ONLY at a urinal. You CAN put it into your wife, but NOT your buddy's wife. What a load of shit, I say.
So did you find out why the neighbor's cat is walking funny?
Some mysteries are better left unsolved.

 

by Scyess
1-13-08
New in the 2008 Olympics... the event of pole valuting has been combined...
...with pole DANCING.
Finally a reason to watch the Olympics.
They also tried to combine javelin with pole dancing, but things got a bit messy.

 

by Scyess
1-13-08
I got a love note from my boyfriend. Want me to read it to you?
No.
Roses are red / Violets are blue / I'm into your ass / .... uhhhh... And that's about it.
Okay. Maybe not a "love note" per se...
No, it's good. Read the part about your ass again.

 

by Scyess
1-13-08
I can't believe you signed up for a ballet class! Did you learn anything?
Tutus do not look good when accessorized with testicles.
Silly! That's why God invented duct tape.
I thought of that. What was it that God invented to remove said duct tape?
Um... I was only kidding.
Oh... um... yeah. Uhh.. me too.

 

by Scyess
1-23-08
Do you ever wonder where your gut goes when you suck it in?
No.
It pretty much stays where it always is.
Maybe I'm asking the wrong guy.
But if you want to know where this cheeseburger goes when I suck it in, I will refer you to my aforementioned gut.

 

by Scyess
1-23-08
I have a piece of dental floss stuck in my teeth.
SO NOW WHAT THE HELL AM i SUPPOSED TO DO!??!??!
I don't know whether to help you or just smack you around a little.
I think it's wedged in there by a toothpick splinter and a smidgen of dental chewing gum.

 

by Scyess
1-25-08
Sir, I represent the FBI, please explain what you saw in the sky that night.
It was this big, shiny disc. It hung over our head most of the night, subtly changing size and color the whole time.
Bizarre. What do you think it was?
Well, 'round these parts we call it "the moon."
Based on our information, this "moon" is probably a terrorist plot.
Excellent. I'll start the invasion plans while you investigate that really shiny one that comes around in the daytime.

 

by Scyess
1-25-08
Sir, I represent the FBI, please explain what you saw in the sky that night.
Well, call me nuts, but...
It looked a lot like my favorite episode of Hee-Haw. In stereophonic sound 'n' everything!
You've been eating those mushrooms that grow on horse manure, haven't you?
It was that one where Gunilla pretended to be a mule and Roy boned her anyway.

 

by Scyess
1-25-08
It's the weekend, and we're just sitting around again. Let's go and do something!
Hell, yeah! What do you want to do?
One week earlier...
It's the weekend, and we're just sitting around again. Let's go and do something!
Hell, yeah! What do you want to do?
...the week before that...
It's the weekend, and we're just sitting around again. Let's go and do something!
Hell, yeah! What do you want to do?

 

by Scyess
1-29-08
So then I told him, "Leroy, you'd better have that removed because I'm not cleaning up this kind of mess again!" And then...
DO YOU KNOW HOW DISCONCERTING IT IS TO OTHERS WHEN YOU TALK ON YOUR CELL PHONE IN A TOILET STALL?!??!
Excuse me. Would you mind not shouting during my psychotic hallucinations? It really ruins the mood, you know.
The birds! The birds were flying up my nose and into my brain!
Well, at least he wasn't on a cell phone.

 

by Scyess
2-08-08
I'm so lonely. I wonder if I'm going to be single for the rest of my adult life.
Do you ever wonder about that phrase: "the rest of my adult life"? As if, now that you're an adult, there's any part of your life left besides the adult part?
Great. Now I feel lonely and old.
How about for once instead of basking in self-pity, you bask in the droll pithiness of my observation, you fuck.

 

by Scyess
2-08-08
With such a negative attitude about your ability to meet women, it's no wonder you're still single.
But my negative attitude is because I'm still single. Is there any way out of this vicious cycle?
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
Are you laughing because you fooled me, and really I just have to think positively and romance will be mine?
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
I see.

 

by Scyess
2-08-08
Excuse me, I don't think I've met you. My name's Jon.
Oh, hi! I'm --
Oh, wait. Sorry. Never mind. From the back I thought you were cute.
You wouldn't beleve how rude this woman at the store was today after I introduced myself.
Well, that's women for you.

 

by Scyess
2-08-08
This is my list of RSS feeds.
Holy crap! How many RSS feeds do you, uh...
What the hell is the verb for looking through the content of all the RSS feeds on your list?
THE REST OF THIS COMIC HAS BEEN CANCELLED DUE TO AN UNACCEPTABLY HIGH NERDITY CONTENT. SORRY FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE.
This is all your fault, you know.
Oh, sure it is, Mr. RSS Feed.

 

by Scyess
2-13-08
Jim! I'm surprised to see you out of jail! Didn't they have pretty strong genetic evidence against you at your latest statutory rape trial?
Genetic evidence, yes; against me, no. The spooge on the condom turned out to be... Mike Huckabee's!!!
If I ever need to plan a crime, I'm definitely calling you.
If you think that was brilliant, wait 'til you hear how I ended up with Mike Huckabee's spooge in the first place.

 

by Scyess
2-17-08
I think I heard the noise down in the basement.
Do you think it's safe?
Of course not, you moron. Why do you think I asked you to come over here?
I just don't want to be turned into a giant insect or something.
Don't be an idiot. Just go check it out.
First tell me why you won't let me turn around.

 

by Scyess
2-17-08
I asked you over here, brother, so we could travel the path to spiritual enlightenment together.
Yes, Earl, but why are we in an office?
It seemed like a quiet place where we could be alone.
But, my son. We're not supposed to be here. Do you think it's safe?
Oh, perfectly. Jim and I disemboweled all the employees and hanged them with their own intestines.
All right. As long as it's safe.

 

by Scyess
2-17-08
I'm on the planet's surface, Spock. Do you read any signs of life.
Yes, captain. There is a large humanoid creature directly behind you.
Do you think it's safe?
Nothing to worry about, Captain.
Ah, good. And by the way, thanks for being so understanding about that electrified toilet seat gag the other day.

 

by Scyess
2-17-08
So when I said, "Do you think it's safe?" did you know I was referring to jumping into the ring with the matador?
Well....
Actually I thought you were asking if it was safe to order another hot dog. But let's not dwell on the past.
I don't see that bull anywhere, do you?

 

by Scyess
2-17-08
I know you've been flirting with spirituality for a while, Earl...
... but I didn't think this is what you meant.
Do you think it's safe?
Well... you might get some wicked unpleasant splinters...

Showing page 37.

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