All comics by kaufman

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by kaufman
4-06-04
And as we wind on down the road, our shadows taller than our soul.
Never mind your soul, I want to buy your shadow.
There walks a lady we all know who shines white light and wants to show how everything still turns to gold.
The absorbance of the blue wavelengths is universal.
What the fuck are you talking about?
And if you listen very hard, the tune will come to you at last ...
A A A G G G G F ...

 

by kaufman
4-06-04
When all are one and one is all ...
How do I get to be number 1?
Same way we all did.
To be a rock and not to rooooolllll...
Want to shoot some craps?
I don't do dice games.
And she's buying a stairway to Heaven.
Actually, I just won the lottery. Give me 98,314,209 of them.
We only have 38 million in stock. Mind if I back-order the rest?

 

by kaufman
4-07-04
They're coming to take me away, ha ha, they're coming to take me away, hee hee ha ha ho ho, to the funny farm where life is beautiful all the time ...

 

by kaufman
4-09-04
Yum!

 

by kaufman
4-09-04
Master, I did it! I managed to receive anal sex from the Harlem Globetrotters.
Excellent, Igor. Now I will be able to collect their precious jism, extract the DNA, and breed an army of superhuman basketball players!
Just turn around, and let me collect ...
IDIOT! That's not semen in you, it's confetti!

 

by kaufman
4-12-04
And now, boinky33 and the Grim Reaper will sing Beethoven's Fifth Symphony.
...
DOOM.

 

by kaufman
4-12-04
Dear kitty, Thank you so much for your gift of a dollar ...
Dear MikeyG, Thank you very much for your generous gift of a dollar ...
Everything's $1
Dear crabby, Thank you so much for that lovely Susan B. Anthony dollar ...

 

by kaufman
4-13-04
I turn 20 soon. I mentioned that in the forums, and am starting a contest based on that theme.
Ah yes, I remember 20. Didn't have a girlfriend, got my wisdom teeth yanked, cut off my beard ...
Somehow I don't think I'll be sharing your experiences.
What? It was you who commented that your character was being cast as a lesbian too much. But if you REALLY want that girlfriend, I guess I can change the script...

 

by kaufman
4-13-04
Contestant #1: What is another term for 144?
A gross.
Contestant #2: What is another term for 13?
A baker's dozen.
Contestant #3: What is another term for 20?
A SCROE!

 

by kaufman
4-14-04
I think I just took a shit in this spacesuit.
Why the fuck are you wearing that? Were in Kansas!
Just in case a tornado picks me up and carries me ... WHOOOAAAA! ... to the moon.
Earthling, you landed on top of our second most wicked witch. You know what you must do now, don't you?

 

by kaufman
4-19-04
THAAANK YOU MR. WIZARD!
35 minutes later ...
DOROTHY: I CAN GIVE THE TIN MAN HIS HEART, AND THE LION HIS COURAGE, AND GET YOU BACK TO KANSAS, BUT I'M AFRAID I AM FRESH OUT OF BRAINS.

 

by kaufman
4-20-04
Hey baby, what's your sign?
\ /------------------------- v 1 - cos^2(myself) of course.
All of my other girlfriends have had about 50 pairs of shoes, most of which are identical, save for the color. But you're different. How come?
Don't be silly. I've proven that four colors suffices.
Ooops, I think I came prematurely.
You were thinking about 12th degree polynomials again, weren't you?

 

by kaufman
4-20-04
19th century France
Monsieur, you look troubled. Why should you be unhappy? You are producing these lovely paintings.
Yes, but nobody knows me. I am tired of getting mixed in with all the other great artists of this period.
Ah yes. It is times like this I ask myself, What Would Mike Tyson Do?
HEY! You just bit off my ear!
I'm sorry, sir. I didn't mean to ...
No, no, no, this is great. Now nobody will forget the work of Vincent Van Gogh!

 

by kaufman
4-21-04
But...
No buts, honey. It's ok. We never use the fireplace anyway. Rover can sleep in there if he likes. He probably finds the cool surface comfortable.
Ho ho ho! On Rudolph!
My dog is dead?

 

by kaufman
4-21-04
I have the pleasure of presenting to you the most tragic love story ever written - one so tragic, it makes Romeo and Juliet look like the Three Stooges.
You're cute. Want to have dinner with me?
Sure, let's do it tomorrow.
Being mayflies as they were, they were both long dead before tomorrow came.

 

by kaufman
4-21-04
Good news, Mr. Kasczynski, the Postal Service has approved a rate cut when you bulk-mail packages.
Hey Charlie, I just picked up the new Beatles album. Wanna come over, get stoned, and give it a listen?
Hello, sir. Do you have a moment to talk about Jesus?

 

by kaufman
4-21-04
So it's agreed. For our next collaboration we do the Rocky Horror Picture Show with Stripcreator characters.
Right. Sickobunny will be Frank, Blue and Blonde will be Brad and Janet, Spankling will play Riff, Lara7 and LadyJ are Columbia and Magenta...
Fat is Meatloaf, and Geek-cripple is Dr. Scott.
Great, but who will we get to play the Criminologist?
I would like, if I may ....
Hey, where's your neck???

 

by kaufman
4-22-04
Darn! Temporary blindness again! And just when I needed to take a humongous leak!
Whew! Thought I'd never find the bathroom! Oh...oh, yeah...that's better...ahhhhh....
And in other news, there was dancing in the streets today when a spokesman for Anheuser-Busch reported that the shortage of Budweiser that has plagued our nation was finally over.

 

by kaufman
4-22-04
inagaddadavida inagaddadavida.
Someone's mumbling like she can hardly stay awake. Should have taken your Iron Butterfly Vitamins, now with extra iron!
Ow! It hurts when I wipe my ass.
Son, try new Johnny Cash. This toilet paper's made of seized laundered money, and it's so soft because we laundered them with extra fabric softener.
This forest is so peaceful. I can almost hear the natural music passing by.
Ah yes, madame. That is because I have planted these zam fir trees. The wind blowing through them sounds just like a pan flute.

 

by kaufman
4-22-04
Come over here, big boy. I want you to shoot all over my face.
Ok.
Hello, this is Johnny Rotten for Sex Pistols.
Oh yeah, that felt so great!

 

by kaufman
4-22-04
o/` Here we come, Swimmin' in your glass, 'Cause you sent off for us, What a stupid ass!
Hey hey, we're sea monkees, People see us swimming around. So pour us into some water, We'll come to life, we won't drown.
We're just tryin' to be your friends, Come and watch us swim and play. We're the hot young crustaceans, And we've got something to say.
Hey hey, we're sea monkees, You never know where we'll be found, So don't flush us down your toilet, We might mutate and eat your town!

 

by kaufman
4-22-04
April
You rock!
May
You're taking me for granite.
June
No más

 

by kaufman
4-23-04

 

by kaufman
4-23-04
Darn! Temporary blindness again! And just when I needed to take a humongous leak!
Whew! Thought I'd never find the bathroom! Oh...oh, yeah...that's better...ahhhhh....
... in Jack Henderson leads to the sensation of bladder fullness.
Excellent. Now let's try something different. I want you to turn Ray Charles' eyesight on.

 

by kaufman
4-23-04
WTF?
Don't think of it that way. Let's just say he's gone on to a happy place.
My dog is dead?

 

by kaufman
4-25-04

 

by kaufman
4-26-04
Ok, Herman, you've been training all your life for this moment. Give it your all, and I'm sure you can break the world record.
Right, Coach.
Go, Herman, go ... YEAAAH!
... Herman Halibut trying to break the high jump record ... Here he goes, and OH MY GOD, WHAT A JUMP!!
Oh shit!

 

by kaufman
4-26-04
o/` I love you, you love me ...

 

by kaufman
4-26-04
President Bush will be announcing his newest faith-based initiative shortly.
I hate these things. Why can't they just leave it to us to practice religion in the way we choose to?
My fellow Americans, as a show of faith and unity, I am declaring today National Stigmata Day.
National WHAT?
That's the last straw! OW! OW!

 

by kaufman
4-28-04
Amy, let me tell you about nucular weapons.
Yes, Monica, suck harder!
Marijuana: It makes you grow up to be president.
I'm sure there are weapons of mass destructation in Iraq.

 

by kaufman
4-28-04
This is your brain.
This is your brain on drugs.
This is the brain of the idiot who thinks that frying an egg proves anything.

 

by kaufman
4-28-04
Darn! Temporary blindness again! And just when I needed to take a humongous leak!
Whew! Thought I'd never find the bathroom! Oh...oh, yeah...that's better...ahhhhh....
All right, he's leaked enough. Let's step back and let him see again.
You thought you'd gone blind when we were up close to you, because ... WE'RE BLACK

 

by kaufman
4-28-04
I just saved XXV% on my chariot insurance.
Oh yeah? I just saved XXXIII I/III% on mine.
Oh yeah? Well, I have $X liability coverage. ________________ I have a $CCL deductible.
I have full towing and glass.
Let's make out.

 

by kaufman
4-28-04
Welcome! You've got mail!
What the hell?! I don't remember signing up for AOL!
You don't have AOL. You have a malignant brain tumor that is causing you to hallucinate that your PC is talking to you.
Marijuana: It makes classic comics a lot less funny.
It's inoperable, but your prospects are decent if you can survive a strenuous chemotherapy program. Luckily, there is a way to avoid the worst of the side effects ...

 

by kaufman
4-29-04
RAAAAAR! TOBOR COME TO CORNHOLE!!!!
Holy Powdered Hyena Semen! How'd you get in here?
TOBOR FIND KEY UNDER WLECOME MAT. HAVE YOU NOT HEARD OF TOBOR, THE RED RUMP RAPIST?
I don't believe I have.
HE HAD A VERY SHINY ROD! AND IF YOU EVER SAW IT, YOU WOULD SHOUT OUT...
OH MY GOD!!!!!

 

by kaufman
4-29-04
RAAAAAR! TOBOR COME TO CORNHOLE!!!!
Holy Powdered Hyena Semen! How'd you get in here?
TOBOR FIND KEY UNDER WELCOME MAT. HAVE YOU NOT HEARD OF TOBOR, THE RED ROBOT RUMP RAPIST?
I don't believe I have.
Enough of the small talk, Robin; the Commisioner's Halloween party awaits. To the Batpoles!
Right away, Batman.

 

by kaufman
4-30-04
At long last, our new house is completed. I can't wait to move in.
Uh oh.
What's the matter, honey?
I think we built this place on an old Indian burial ground. We'd better tear it down and build our dream house somewhere else.
What makes you say that?
Look over here. It says, "Here lies Mahatma Gandhi's great-grandmother."

 

by kaufman
4-30-04
This is much better. We'll be ... Hmmmm, a stone that says, "I will not buy this gravedigger. It is scratched."
Oh no! We built on an ancient Hungarian burial ground. Let's get out of here!
Third time's a charm, right?
I'm afraid not. Look, "I can surrender, even if I'm dead, right?" It's an old French burial ground.
Let me guess: Ancient Australian burial ground?

 

by kaufman
4-30-04
This says, "Pay to the order of Julius Caesar."
Great. Now we've built our house on an ancient Czech burial ground.
Whew, nothing here but these old blankets.
Are you kidding? This one must be an old Afghan burial ground.

 

by kaufman
4-30-04
eb tsum sihT .hgiS ilearsI dlo emos no dnuorg lairub
ees em teL ?ilearsI drac taht
The fourth row: We have Lithuania, Israel, Czech Republic, Fiji and Malawi checked off. BINGO!
THAT'S RIGHT! You two are the first couple to complete a bingo, so you win the dream house. We'll find out where after these messages on Beach Burial Bingo!

 

by kaufman
4-30-04
I'm so glad we finally got our house built, and not on some old, cursed burial ground.
You can say that again. But are you sure we didn't build it on one?
Absolutely. This is ancient Philistine territory. The Philistines didn't bury their dead.
Really? What did they do?
They cremated them.
Aaaaah.

 

by kaufman
5-03-04
Hello?
Ginny, it's me. I aced the interview. They offered me the job. I'll be the new sales representative for all of South Carolina.
The whole state?
Yup, Charleston, Columbia, Spartanburg, Dillon, Hilton Head, Orangeburg, Aiken, Clemson, Myrtle Beach, you name it.
Wait a minute. I told you that no husband of mine is gonna do any work in Santee, South Carolina. You did get that put in your contract, didn't you?
Yes, Virginia. There is a Santee clause.

 

by kaufman
5-03-04
April 18, 1955, Princeton, NJ
I guess you realize this is your last day on earth; you'll be reaching the hospital in just under 10 minutes.
Yes, God, I understand. So what do you want of me?
Science has advanced so quickly, mortal men will soon know all of my secrets. Yet, it is my nature to remain a mystery. What should I do?
Just roll a few six-sided dice, and alter the gravitational constant in a few local areas accordingly. They'll never know the difference.
Shortly...
"They'll never know the difference!" Great plan, Einstein!

 

by kaufman
5-05-04
Yes, General, I've created a time machine big enough to send a whole army back in time.
Excellent! We'll go back to the root of this Mideast crisis, and nip it in the bud.
Here's the deal. If you let go of either of those metal contacts, or come down from that thing, you'll be electrocuted.

 

by kaufman
5-05-04
Phil verDilfer went up the hill for pilfered silver in a flivver, had a will for not paying his bills for what he'd kill for.
A foreign orange tasting like porridge tossed at the door hinge of a storage closet, neighbors found abhorrenge, now in quarengtine.
It's no longer April, bring out your May pole, and get a good spray full of rain by the drainful while you conceive future Capril corns if you go by the eight-months-a-babe rule.

 

by kaufman
5-05-04
Hello.
Hello, can I talk to Geek?
I'm sorry, I don't have a phone.
For that matter, neither do I.
This sucks! No phone characters. OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!

 

by kaufman
5-07-04
Water cooler.
Indeed.

 

by kaufman
5-07-04
Daddy, where did I come from?
Well, honey, there are two tiny components that when they come together, they develop into a person.
Oh, you mean the sperm and the egg?
Not exactly. Those are just in the fictional world daddy writes about. But the idea is similar here... Come look at the pictures in this biology book ...

 

by kaufman
5-07-04
Order! Order in the Court!
Oh wow, man, I'd like a double burger meal, and you'd better SUPERSIZE it!
Your Honor, we find the defendant sexy beyond a reasonable doubt.
It's unanimous.
Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you Paris Hilton?

 

by kaufman
5-12-04
........................... THE THREE TENORS
LIVE AT LINCOLN CENTER .................
At last, some quality singing, instead of that guttaral garbage that passes for music today.
OK, I throw the bra at Shatner and the panties at Hung, but what will be left for Tiny Tim?

Showing page 37.

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