All comics by AtheistDiary

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by AtheistDiary
2-18-04
So what else is happening out there?
Well your family wants me to tell you that when your time comes, they'll be there waiting to greet you.
They're forming a mob, aren't they?
Yeah, apparently you still owe 'em 5 bucks.

 

by AtheistDiary
2-22-04
And yo, this here's my SWEET gold plated recording studio! Everything's made of pearls and gold, yo. And over here's my major BLING BLING SUV cruiser mac'd out wit' diamonds n all kinds a shiznit!
What are you watching?
Old re-runs of MTV Cribs.
I love watching one hit wonders spend all their money on stupid shit right before they crash 'n burn.
SISQO FOREVA', yo! PEACE!

 

by AtheistDiary
2-22-04
I'm very very sad today.
R.I.P, Dad. I'll miss you.
poop :(

 

by AtheistDiary
2-22-04
There once was a man from Nantuckit. That's a funny story, but it also makes me hungry. So I never tell it unless I'm about to eat cumquats and listerine.
NO! YOU CAN NOT MAKE ME TELL IT!
(atheist still misses retard's ex-girlfriend's boobies)

 

by AtheistDiary
2-22-04
Happy Birthday, Ivy. I've decided to give ya something extra special today.
Purrrrrr ... the usual birthday gift ...
... and then McGuyver takes the uranium isotope from his pants and slowly inserts it into ...
OH YES!! YES, BABY, YES!!!!

 

by AtheistDiary
2-22-04
**COUGH COUGH** If one more person gives me advice on what to do for my cold, I swear I'm gunna shove my --
Everyone seems to have advice on how to treat your cold. Try NyQuil instead ...
uh ... why is my golf club and one of your boots sticking out of the now-thoroughly-trashed TV set?
Turns out I have PMS today. I'll be on the couch.

 

by AtheistDiary
3-01-04
Hey, you're back! How was your father's funeral in Iowa?
It actually went better than I expected, but there was an odd moment when they asked me if I wanted a burial plot right near my dad's.
Yeah, I actually would prefer to be cremated and have my ashes scattered around in places I've always wanted to go but never could.
Wow, same here.
New Zealand, Scotland, Japan ...
Gwen Stefani's butthole ...

 

by AtheistDiary
3-01-04
So were the funeral arrangements hard to do?
Well, sort of hard ...
*Flashback to Last Friday With the Funeral Director's Wife*
You've been silent a lot since you got here. You must be going through a great deal of sadness ... :(
Yeah, sad that I can't stick my ...
*AHEM!*
What? Oh, sorry. I forgot I can only flirt with pasty white filing clerks. *grin*

 

by AtheistDiary
3-07-04
Atheist Diary leads a band of misfit rebels on a voyage of massive proportions.
Just call me Allan Quarterschlong.
Me 5 yo Vietnamese hooker. Me spread herpes that rival ebola virus. Sucky sucky 5 dolla!
Their mission: To save the earth from Republicans and other forces of darkness by any sexual means necessary. For they are ...
I'm Ivy. I'm a dominant nympho that wields a golf club and puts up with Atheist's annoying anal fetish.
I'm the token priest-figure. I molest the enemy's children and fill them full of guilt and fear. Praise Jesus!
THE LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARILY HORNY GENTLEMEN!
WANGS!
DONGS!

 

by AtheistDiary
3-11-04
At Tad, Dis, and Genuous, Attorneys at Law, we fight for everyone, big or small.
Have you been turned down for a midget porn flick, even though you're 6'2?
Do thoughts of men with elephantitus of the testicles make you want to blow chunks?
Are you a canine named 'Chunks' who's been molested by your owner due to commercials depicting grief over thoughts of elephantitus of the testicles?
Call our law offices today and ask to speak to one of our trained professionals.
Tad, Dis, and Genuous: No ambulance too fast, no commercial too surreal!

 

by AtheistDiary
3-13-04
I heard that you're upset that Ivy's no longer tying your boots for you. You know at your age you really should learn how to do something like that on your own.
You really have no clue what "innuendo" is, do you?
Actually, I've been too afraid to --
Let's just say that my boots don't have any laces.
Right. Now if you need me, you can find me down at the psychiatrist's office trying to wash away another 5 years worth of painful, unnecessary visions.

 

by AtheistDiary
3-19-04
*sniff* It's a shame that he has to die ...
WELL MAYBE I WOULDN'T HAVE TO IF YOU'D GET A LADDER AND A PAIR OF PLYERS!

 

by AtheistDiary
3-20-04
Holy crap! It's a scary alien! AAGGHH!
Take me to your leader.
Why? What do you aliens want from us humans?
You know what we want...
Wangs?
Dongs.

 

by AtheistDiary
3-20-04
Holy crap! It's a scary alien! AAGGHH!
Take me to your leader.
Why? What do you aliens want from us humans?
You know what we want...
YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!
Ok, that was lame, even by Atheist Diary's standards.

 

by AtheistDiary
3-21-04
Holy crap! It's a scary alien! AAGGHH!
Take me to your leader.
Why? What do you aliens want from us humans?
You know what we want...
Look, Niteowl said no different poses, ok?
FOR FUCK'S SAKE, MAN, I NEED TO SCRATCH MY BALLS!

 

by AtheistDiary
3-21-04
Holy crap! It's a scary alien! AAGGHH!
Take me to your leader.
Why? What do you aliens want from us humans?
You know what we want...
JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!

 

by AtheistDiary
3-23-04
Holy crap! It's a scary alien! AAGGHH!
Take me to your leader.
Why? What do you aliens want from us humans?
You know what we want...
To rock 'n roll all night?
And party every day.

 

by AtheistDiary
3-23-04
Holy crap! It's a scary alien! AAGGHH!
Take me to your leader.
Why? What do you aliens want from us humans?
You know what we want...
That'll be $750.
FOR A CIRCLE JERK!? ARE YOU INSANE??

 

by AtheistDiary
3-23-04
[ Ever notice that the non-donor comics just plain suck ass? ]
[ Hey, wait a minute. But I'm also not a donor. ]
[ I didn't stutter, Mr. Brown Lips. ]
:(

 

by AtheistDiary
3-23-04
[ Ever notice that the non-donor comics just plain suck ass? ]
[ Then why are you on the donor list? ]
[ Touche', fuck stick. ]

 

by AtheistDiary
3-23-04
Hi, Dad. I miss you a lot. Wish you were here to see the new SC's that I've been making.
Oh lord, he's back to bug me again.
I've been thinking about this whole life after death thing and it's really got me wondering something.
You're gunna ask if I've seen Elvis, aren't you?
Is there really a soul? And if so, do ya think I could pawn it off to the Virgin Mary for a decent hummer?
My son, the deep thinker.

 

by AtheistDiary
3-24-04
So I hear you have a crush on MMyers.
Well yeah, actually I do.
Where are you going with my golf club?
I'm going to go file a few things.

 

by AtheistDiary
3-24-04
I have a bone to pick with you, MMyers.
?
Crap, now *I* have a crush on him.
I seriously do not want to know.

 

by AtheistDiary
3-24-04
In this segment I shall read off some of the comments made in my info section.
"Glad to see him back (10-13-03)"
"Rated 'R' for "The unreligious religious read" (12-14-03)"
I am dying to know who wrote these.
"I want him (12-19-03)"
"Apparently he's an athiest (1-13-04)"
So if it's you, please fill a clueless bastard in, will ya?
"Boys don't keep diaries! Hee, Hee! (2-27-04)"
Gentlemen, start your engines!

 

by AtheistDiary
3-25-04
OK, FOLKS! One down, FOUR to GO!
"Glad to see him back (10-13-03)"
If you were one of these sexy bastards, send me a PM and let me know.
"Rated 'R' for "The unreligious religious read" (12-14-03)"
"Apparently he's an athiest (1-13-04)"
"Boys don't keep diaries! Hee, Hee! (2-27-04)"
Once again, help a clueless bastard out and send me a PM if you wrote one of these.

 

by AtheistDiary
3-26-04
2 DOWN! Alright, you know the rules, fill me in so I have some reason to live, yada yada yada.
"Glad to see him back (10-13-03)"
3 WORDS: PMs PMs PMs. Wait, PMS? ewwww ...
"Apparently he's an athiest (1-13-04)"
"Boys don't keep diaries! Hee, Hee! (2-27-04)"
AND THIS JUST IN: "I'm just hoping to drive you crazy."
Mission accomplished, fucker, although I suspect that one of these is by Boinky.

 

by AtheistDiary
3-26-04
*clears throat* MikeyG you are the lowest form of cum hamper! You're the poster child for dingleberry sandwhiches! You huff gopher farts & sniff your own vagina! What do you think about that!?
Crotch crickets.
Fuck, dude. You really hurt my feelings sometimes.

 

by AtheistDiary
3-27-04
ass, asshole, assholes, anal, sodomy, sodomize, sodomized, asses, butt, butts
buttsex, sodomizing, rear, backdoor, assholes, bung, bungs, butthole
buttfuck, buttfucking, buttfucker
asssex, assfuck, assfucking, assfucker

 

by AtheistDiary
3-30-04
Why is Atheist in my room crying like he got kicked in the goobers?
His laptop got fried last night and he lost everything.
You don't mean ...?
I'm afraid so.
NO MORE MIDGET PORN! WAAAAAAAAAH!!!!
Great. I'm gunna be hearing about this for months.

 

by AtheistDiary
3-30-04
It's not very hard to insult boinky, given his reputation for masturbating to his own baby pictures. But do we KNOW who boinky really is?
For instance, did you know that he had a torrid love affair with Condoleezza Rice briefly after she took office?
Every night he'd sneak into her office and beg her to take a shit in his nasal cavity. Usually she'd strain so hard, though, that she'd end up pissing all over his chin whiskers.
Then he'd have her scoop up the left over juices with tortilla shells and put it all in a blender to make party smoothies.
But alas, being the man slut that he is, she caught him in a circle jerk on Sept 10th with Rush Limbaugh, Janet Reno, and that Eelian Gonzalas kid. He had Eelian's jizz dripping all down his eyebrows.
Being as distraught as she was, you can now see why Condoleezza fucked up the intelligence reports on 9/11. Thanks a lot, Boinky!

 

by AtheistDiary
4-04-04
*sniff* My girlfriend dumped me cause she said I was too emotional and over dramatic. Everyone hates me and I deserve to just DIE! *sniff* Can you help me, please?
Sure thing. Just call this number and set up appointment with the doctor. He's really good with cases like this and he'll take care of everything for you.
Hi, I'm looking for a Doctor Jack?
Yes, this is Jack Kavorkian. How may I help you?

 

by AtheistDiary
4-04-04
Getting to see movies free.
Wow, the Passion sucks more than a Lewinsky family reunion.
Getting to see nekkid chicks for free.
HUBBA! HUBBA!
I suddenly feel so unclean.
Getting to see your son whenever you want.
uhhh ... maybe I'll check back later.
OH YEAH! YEAH! WHO'S YO DADDY, BABY!? SAY MY NAME! SPANK ME! AH YEAH!!

 

by AtheistDiary
4-04-04
I
am
really
(really)

 

by AtheistDiary
4-05-04
Zeus! I'm bored!
Are you kidding? We're on Mt. Olympus! We have everything.
Fun, Zeus, I want to do something fun! Tell me, what do you do for fun?
Hmmm...
Cow tipping?
MOO!!

 

by AtheistDiary
4-05-04
Zeus! I'm bored!
Are you kidding? We're on Mt. Olympus! We have everything.
Fun, Zeus, I want to do something fun! Tell me, what do you do for fun?
Hmmm...
The same thing I do every night ... TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!

 

by AtheistDiary
4-05-04
Zeus! I'm bored!
Are you kidding? We're on Mt. Olympus! We have everything.
Fun, Zeus, I want to do something fun! Tell me, what do you do for fun?
Hmmm...
FART IN YOUR GENERAL DIRECTION!

 

by AtheistDiary
4-05-04
Zeus! I'm bored!
Are you kidding? We're on Mt. Olympus! We have everything.
Fun, Zeus, I want to do something fun! Tell me, what do you do for fun?
Hmmm...
Honorably slash prices everyday on all used cars, trucks, and SUVs! Whether I'm lurking in the clouds or lurking in the shadows, you know Honorable Ninja will always bring you heavenly deals! Domo!

 

by AtheistDiary
4-05-04
Zeus! I'm bored!
Are you kidding? We're on Mt. Olympus! We have everything.
Fun, Zeus, I want to do something fun! Tell me, what do you do for fun?
Hmmm...
I CORNHOLE ALL WHO ASK TOBOR TOO MANY QUESTIONS!
This indeed IS heaven.

 

by AtheistDiary
4-05-04
Zeus! Ich werde gebohrt!
Wie konnten Sie das sagen? Wir sind auf dem Berg, der Olymp genannt wird! Wir haben alles.
Ich möchte etwas tun, das Spaß zu mir und zu Zeus ist! Erklären Sie mir, was ist Spaß zu Ihnen?
Hmmm...
Dongs.

 

by AtheistDiary
4-05-04
Zeus! I'm bored!
Are you kidding? We're on Mt. Olympus! We have everything.
Fun, Zeus, I want to do something fun! Tell me, what do you do for fun?
Hmmm...
Well usually I sit around and scratch my asshole with a lawn dart, but if you have something else in mind feel free to share.

 

by AtheistDiary
4-06-04
ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!

 

by AtheistDiary
4-06-04
WHO LET THE DOGS OUT!?
Woof! Woof woof WOOF!
WHO LET THE DOGS OUT!?
Woof! Woof woof WOOF!
WHO LET THE DOGS OUT!?
[ I will crap in your spaghetti-o's now that you got that song stuck in my head. ]

 

by AtheistDiary
4-06-04
And Iiiiiiiiiiiii-eee-iiiiiiiiii
WILL ALWAAAAAAYS
LOOOOOOOVE YEEEEEEEWWW!!!!
That's nice, ma'am. Here's your restraining order.

 

by AtheistDiary
4-06-04
EXIT LIGHT!
ENTER NIGHT!
TAKE MY HAND! WE'RE OFF TO NEVER NEVER LAND!
What the fuck is he talking about?

 

by AtheistDiary
4-14-04
I think I just took a shit in this spacesuit.
Why the fuck are you wearing that? We're in Kansas!
Just in case a tornado picks me up and carries me ... WHOOOAAAA! ... to the moon.
Earthling, you landed on top of our second most wicked witch. You know what you must do now, don't you?
But why the Hokey Pokey??
Cause that's what it's all about.

 

by AtheistDiary
4-14-04
I think I just took a shit in this spacesuit.
Why the fuck are you wearing that? We're in Kansas!
Just in case a tornado picks me up and carries me ... WHOOOAAAA! ... to the moon.
Earthling, you landed on top of our second most wicked witch. You know what you must do now, don't you?
*GLORP GLORP*
I KNEW he was of the Lewinsky Clan!

 

by AtheistDiary
4-14-04
I think I just took a shit in this spacesuit.
Why the fuck are you wearing that? We're in Kansas!
Just in case a tornado picks me up and carries me ... WHOOOAAAA! ... to the moon.
Earthling, you landed on top of our second most wicked witch. You know what you must do now, don't you?
I am NOT going to look for a shrubbery on Uranus.
Move it, fuck stick, or my gas ray will be forced to fart in your general direction! NEE!

 

by AtheistDiary
4-15-04
#1
HAHA! That Wolverine pussy's got toothpicks comin' out his limp wrists!
#2
The Human Torch is SUCH a flamer!
#3
Tobor couldn't cornhole a BRAN MUFFIN!

 

by AtheistDiary
4-15-04
I think I just took a shit in this spacesuit.
Why the fuck are you wearing that? Were in Kansas!
Just in case a tornado picks me up and carries me ... WHOOOAAAA! ... to the moon.
Earthling, you landed on top of our second most wicked witch. You know what you must do now, don't you?
Think of something really uber disgusting to say to her family and enter it into World's Worst #12?
Or you could say something about Chicka's birthday, her pregnancy, and throw in camping somewhere and make it a TRIPLE crossover strip! WEEEEEEEE!!

 

by AtheistDiary
4-17-04
Some newbies are doing strips about your family.
They suck more balls than 2 asian crack whores hopped up on spanish fly.
HEY! DAS A LIE!
YA! VE SUCKY MO' BOWLS DAN DAT!

Showing page 4.

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