All comics by El_Phen

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by El_Phen
3-11-07
There once was a girl named Peggit, When chased by the police she would leg-it.
She once tried this stunt, while playing with her cunt, and said "Either pay or forget it.
Jesus, your mum was fucked up when she was addicted to pain-killers huh?

 

Hmmm is it 8?
I'm sorry the ACTUAL number of times Worthling has sucked in the past three nano-seconds is 42.
by El_Phen, 3-22-07

 

by El_Phen
3-22-07
Hmmm, interesting.
What is?
The lab results are finally back and I finally know what that itching is. Turns out I've got herpes all along my urethra.
Does that mean...?
Yes, Wirthling not only sucks but blows as well.
I can't help but think 'Too much set up, not enough joke.'

 

by El_Phen
3-30-07
Tobor, as my new security guard I expect you to guard my precious drug supplies at all times.
Tobor understands.
I don't want you to touch any of the amphetimines, they're for the club dealers, same goes for the Marajuna and heroine.
The cocaine is kept over here. I've had a really big shipment so you can take as much of my crack as you want.
I will.

 

by El_Phen
4-13-07
7:00pm
Ok, can you help me look for my cat? It went missing about six weeks ago and I haven't seen it since.
Sure man, whatever.
12:00am
Bonham. BONHAM! Where is that cat? Well wherever he is I hope he's being fed. *sniff*
To hell with this, I'm going home!
Meanwhile...
Another catnip-martini sir?
Meow.

 

by El_Phen
4-19-07
In the red corner Father Christmas. In the Blue corner M. Bison
Round 1. FIGHT!
M. Bison WINS!
Freakin' spinning punch. I would have beaten the nappy-headed ho...ho-ho. MERRY Christmas. Didn't see you there. You look pissed.

 

by El_Phen
4-22-07
...so that's when I told him about the cheese.
Hmmm. Quite an interesting tale I must say, just one thing though. Have you been smoking crack again.
I had a little earlier. Why do you ask?
Well, you just told me a story about a chicken being mugged by a fairy and reporting the crime to a police officer who had a piece of cheese on his nose shaped like a dog...
You think I'm a talking dinosaur or something don't you?
You may have a point there. I AM made out of bacon though right?

 

by El_Phen
4-23-07
Hi there, my friends and I were playing in the park and we kicked our ball over here have you seen it?
Yeah I got a ball for ya. I got two right here bitch! Now swallow my meat before I cornhole you back to the stoneage!
You know you want me you nappy-headed ho.

 

What's black, white, and red all over?
OJ Simpsons gloved hand!
by El_Phen, 4-23-07

 

by El_Phen
5-15-07
Jay! Help!
What's wrong Dave? Pull your zip up too quickly again? Having strange recurring dreams about your 'uncle' Steve again?
No! I just watched this video on Youtube and then I recieved a phone call and it said that anyone who watched that video would be raped by a sheep within seven days of getting that call!
Jay. Hello? Ae you still there?
Jay, answer me! What are you doing!?
Getting some lube and a Barry White album, now, what's the name of that video?

 

by El_Phen
6-22-07
So then you found out you had AIDS?
Yeah, but it could be worse, I could be black.
What?
Look, I know it says KKK Inc on the door but we're NOT them.
Ah I get it, you don't want some uppity Jew laywer suing right? Gotcha...You're staring at me again.

 

*sniff* No means NO!
by El_Phen, 7-02-07

 

by El_Phen
8-28-07
It is said that when travellers in the desert are in dire need, a Randomly Appearing Snowman will come to their assistance .
Hmmm is this the way to Amarillo?
Nope. Amarillo's THAT way.
Thanks Randomly Appearing Snowman!
Unfortunately this is only so he can distract them long enough for his brother, Psychopathic Car Driving Stick-man, to build up speed.

 

by El_Phen
8-30-07
You know, I've never seen Rosie O'Donnell and Tom Bosley in the same room together.
Why would you want to? Rosie O'Donnell would just try and convince him to be in a crappy buddy movie.
Or worse they could find they liked each other, go back to her place and...
Don't finish that sentence you sick bastard.
Several days later...
Well, thanks to that thought, the only way I can get it up now is by looking at pictures of Tom Bosley dressed as Rosie O'Donnell.
AARRRGGGHHH!! Some how my brain reversed that image and it's bleeding! No, Rosie O'Donnell, Sister Steve doesn't like girls. What are you doing with that crucifix!? NOOOO!

 

by El_Phen
8-30-07
No! I can't stop thinking about Rosie O'Donnell dressed as Tom Bosley from 'Father Dowling Investigates' performing sex acts on Sister Steve!
Only one thing can save me now...
Thanks Randomly Appearing Snowman! Your sudden interruption of my train of thought allowed that vile image to be flung to the furthest pit of Hell where it belongs...right next to the French.

 

by El_Phen
9-10-07
Hah! I have you now agent Smith, when I, Dr. von Evilsteinson the third, return, I will get the formula to grow a Zebra of incredible power that will allow me rule all of Wales!
Only one thing can save me, and Wales, now.
Suddenly...
Eventually...
Where is agent Smith? No, surely not...Curse you Randomly Appearing Snowman!

 

by El_Phen
2-10-08
It'll be easy he says...
Shut up.
It's always the blue wire he says...
Shut up.
We don't need the bomb squad he says...
I'm too dead for this shit.

 

by El_Phen
2-12-08
Hey Jim.
Yeah Bob?
I was thinkin'. Maybe I should just get the hell out of my cubicle and see what's happenin' over your neck o' the woods.
Wouldn't do that if I were you Bob.
Why Jim?
I'm naked and masturbating onto a pre-op picture of Rosie O'Donnel. Oh and there's some tacks on the floor, wouldn't want to have to get Health & Safety involved eh!?

 

by El_Phen
2-12-08
Did you just say you were naked and masturbating over a pre-op picture of Rosie O'Donnell Bob?
Yes Jim I did. I'd appreciate it if you'd stop interrupting though, I'm losing my 'concentration', if you know what I mean.
Yeah, you like that don't ya bitch?

 

by El_Phen
2-12-08
Uhh Bob? Are...are you 'finished' yet?
Yeah Jim. You wanna come on over now? I've cleared those tacks up.
Are ya still naked Bob? And, you know, masturbating?
No Jim, I'm not masturbating any more. Like I said I'm finished.
You're still naked though?
Damn right Jim. Me an' Rosie like to cuddle afterwards. If I just got dressed that'd be rude.

 

by El_Phen
2-14-08
Hey Bob. Can I have that stapler back? I've just printed out that report and I want to give it to Dave before he leaves.
Love to Jim but can't right now.
Why's that Bob?
Unfortunately, while using it to staple my foreskin to the desk the mechanism jammed and I can't get it off.
Why on Earth would you want to staple you foreskin to your desk!?
Would you believe that I thought the extra weight would get my balls out of the superglue on my desk lamp?

 

by El_Phen
2-15-08
Jim?
Bob?
So, how'd ya like the new cubicle?
Bob, I can't say its altogether to my tastes. I mean, I miss being so close to the water cooler, my plant gave me so much needed greenery and Mindy was just behind me if I needed a letter written.
What!? I thought you'd be happy to have all those naked pictures of Ted's wife, the anal lube and butt plug selection and that CCTV monitor so you can watch Mindy peeing!
And yet even all those can't compare to the 'Drawer of a Thousand Surprises'. I didn't know you could fit so many body parts up your pee-hole. And they're not your body parts. Or attached to people.

 

by El_Phen
2-15-08
Jim, do you ever wonder what's outside these cubicles? That there might be more to life than just these three walls and a potted plant?
That's dangerous thinking Bob, maybe you should get back to work. Why'd you ask anyway?
I drilled a 'Glory Hole' through the wall behind me to see what would happen.
And?
Mindy's moustache tickles.
Bob. Mindy left on Monday. That's Ted's cubicle now.

 

by El_Phen
2-19-08
There can be only one!
Have at thee.
Eat penguin shit you arse-raping cum-bucket!
Fuck. That did not go well. Best two out of three?

 

by El_Phen
2-22-08
There can be only one! Unless this movie makes money in which case there may very well be more! A T.V. series shall also increase the number of things there can be also! So let's not do that!
There can be only one! Unless you're greedy in which case two may seem acceptable. That's right you bastard Connery. I saw you near my sandwich earlier!
There can be only Swan.

 

Sarah Connor?
by El_Phen, 2-22-08

 

by El_Phen
2-28-08
Oh Xanox the Destroyer! Why must our two species fight? Why cannot you and I, Queen Kitmorvda of the Catears unite and let love conquer where weapons have failed!?
Xanox the Destroyer can no longer be involved with you feeble Catearian female! I need my space, things are moving too quickly.
But Xanox I LOVE YOU! And...I'm PREGNANT!
Duh-Duh-Duhhh!

 

by El_Phen
2-28-08
Well Xanonx?
Kitmorvda...how long have you known?
For three of your Pavlovian months Xanox. I have been too afraid to speak of this to you. I knew that you were not ready for a commitment so soon. I could not risk losing you before the child's birth.
Kitmorvda. This puts me in an uncomfortable position. You see I have just learnt that...I AM YOUR FATHER!
Duh-duh-duhhhhh!

 

by El_Phen
2-28-08
Oh Xanox! How can this be!? I never knew my father. My mother told me that he ran away to join the circus and was killed in a freak Jelliphant accident!
No my dear, I was not killed. I was mortally wounded and my consciousness transferred into the body of the nearest host. That of a Pavlovian Ball Hound of the circus at the back of our house.
How did you become supreme ruler of Pavlovia? Why did you declare inter-planetary war on your own planet? How did you get to Interplanetary United Nations HQ? When did you learn I was your daughter?
All in good time my dear. First you need to perform an important task. You must kill your mother!
Duh-duh-duhhhhhh

 

by El_Phen
2-28-08
But...my mother is dead!
Not so little one, for you see. It was SHE who enraged the Jelliphant into attacking me with its mighty Zorn! It was she who left my crippled and mangled body underneath that contar bush! She is here!
Is that not so Elspethia!
Curse you Xanox! You live! Well, I shall finish today what that Jelliphant started so many years ago for I have planted a bomb in your ball which shall explode in10 Claxars!
Duh-duh-duhhhuhhh

 

by El_Phen
2-28-08
Mother! What has happened to you!? I thought you were killed when the engine in the Space Pod exploded!?
No child I was not killed, though some would like to believe that I was! You see, I knew your father was trying to usurp me as ruler of the Catearians and was planning to sabotage the Space Pod.
I therefore took pre-emptive action and detonated the Pod where I knew he would see it and believe me to be dead. It ws then a simple matter to lure him to the circus for his own demise!
But why do you look like this? Why did father wish to usurp you? Where have you been all this time? Why have you not contacted me?
They all died. The end.

 

by El_Phen
2-28-08
Arrrrrgghhh!
What's Up? What's all that noise?
Oh Xanox it was horrible! I had a terrible dream. My mother and father were on a space station and you were my father and you eploded!
Hush now dear, I was just in the shower. Now, let's forget that the last five comic strips happened and get back to cornholing humans ok?
Can I be the human this time?

 

by El_Phen
3-11-08
Hey mister, what're ya doin'?
Walkin'.
Tit.
I am so fuckin' cool it scares me.

 

by El_Phen
3-18-08
Senator Clinton! Senator Clinton! That Obama guy is streaking ahead in the polls, it seems that the black vote in most states is carrying him through! What do we do?
Hi there, my good friend Senator Clinton says that for every vote she recieves from the black community she'll donate a Family sized bucket of my delicious fried chicken products.
This advertisment was payed for by the Over-played racial stereotype fund of Hilary Clinton. Fried chicken deal only applies to blak voters, wet-backs, Guineas and the rest can go to Hell.

 

by El_Phen
4-18-08
Hey there's an escape pod! No life signs on it though.
Not any more there's not.
Many years later...
Yeah! Who's your Emperor? Who's your fucking Emperor rebel scum!

 

by El_Phen
4-18-08
Great Scot! Marty's dead!
That's right Doc. Now there's noone left to stop me taking over the world!
You wanna do some blow off my hot wife's tits?
Sure.

 

by El_Phen
4-23-08
Yarrrggghh! That be a fucking big whale there matey.
Aye matey, angry too. It bit off most of my limbs when last we met. Leaving me with this hook fer a hand and the stick like legs ye sees 'afore ye!
I'm thinking we should just go and go after some tuna or something instead.
Aye matey. What the Hell were we thinking.. That 'Crack' ye sold me was some crazy shit sez I! Yarrgggh.

 

by El_Phen
5-12-08
Say Jim, have you ever had any trouble with the tax people? Only, I recieved a court order asking me to appear as a witness for the defence for you on Tax evasion charges.
I hoped it wouldn't come to this Bob but I've got no choice. I declared myself dead six years ago and now the damn government want their share. I need you to testify that I'm actually a zombie of me.
A Zombie!? Jim, no jury in their right mind will believe that.
They will once they meet the 'Necromancer' responsible for my un-death.
I am NOT going to pretend to be a necromancer and purjer myself for you Bob!
Fine, in that case I'll need eight pints of pig's blood, a blow up doll and your car. Oh and from now on my name is 'Steve' and I just arrived from Head Office to shake things up!

 

by El_Phen
5-21-08
Say little girl, is it your birthday today? If you come with me I'll give you a BIG surprise!
O. K. mister.
Later that week
You disgust me! Going after eight year olds, yeah sure, we've all been there, but MIDGETS!? She wasn't even really Vietnamese! It's scum like you that give the rest of us paedophiles a bad name.

 

by El_Phen
5-31-08
Well that time machine worked! I'm Thirty years into the future. Who might you be sir?
I'm YOUR future. About two weeks after I made the first time travel experiment the governments of the world stole the project and left me penniless. Don't let it happen again.
Thanks future me. Off I go to save myself.
So, that guy you hit on the head still thinks he's a time traveller?
Yup. An' as long as I keep hitting him with this brick he will. Now excuse me, my bottle of methylated spirits has run out and he's near the door.

 

by El_Phen
6-04-08
My God time-travelling space crab, we certainly were lucky escaping back to the present from those killer death-bots from the future!
You're not wrong there Timmy, I hope that that taught you that if people misuse Zinc for personal gain, terrible consequences can occur!
Suddenly, Randomly Appearing Snowman interrupts proceedings to deliver a message of his own!
And don't forget the Magnesium barons who artificially inflate the prices of this valuable mineral, they too are keeping the black man down!
...the Hell?

 

by El_Phen
7-08-08
KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNN!!
Yes sweetie?
Don't forget to pick up some milk.

 

by El_Phen
7-11-08
Now Spock, after we traverse the nebula I want you to scan for any life forms. That beast wont get away this time!
I would captain but I must confess. My scanning skills are no longer at the level they once were.
Why ever is that Spock? You seemed to scan that asteroid belt fine and...
You don't understand sir, I am no longer able to reach the console to perform the scanning operations because.....I'm pregnant. And Ensign Ricky is the father!
Duh-Duh-Duuuuuhhh

 

by El_Phen
7-11-08
But Spock! Ensign Ricky is...and you're...how?
You see Captain, about three months ago I was servicing the sensor array and found Ensign Ricky in the adjacent section. At first I thought his interest in the scanning hyper-spanner was good natured.
However, as soon as my back was turned he struck me on the head and proceeded to ravish my unconscious body. Mercilessly pounding my aching anus until he was spent.
Three weeks later I became very ill in the mornings, upon recieving medical attention from Bones I learned that I was with child and what's worse, it's neither human nor Vulcan but Klingon!
Duh-duh-duuuuh

 

by El_Phen
7-11-08
Why have you not mentioned this sooner? How is the baby a Klingon? How did you become pregnant!?
In answer to your last question, males of my kind cannot under normal mating circumstances become pregnant. Only a violent mating with another species, notably only Human and Klingon can do this.
Well, you said that Ensign Ricky is the father, as far as I know he's human.
Well, yes, or so it would appear. I have learned that he is a genetically modified Klingon spy sent to kill us by raping us to death! And your first question, I did not tell you because... I love you!
Duh-duh-duuuuh!

 

by El_Phen
9-03-08
Hi AngryAmerican, I'm nineties rap sensation Vanilla Ice, word up? Anyway "Homes", me an' ma "boy-eez" wanna "chill" in "yo' crib". Wax a chump like a candle?

 

by El_Phen
9-03-08
Well?
Most people get the message when he axe comes out, oh well. TAKE THIS FOR INVENTING WIGGAS YOU FUCK FACED, SQUIRREL RAPING, COCK-GOBLIN
Sound da bell school's in sucka. Y'all know me, M. C. Hammer? You can't touch dis. So lemme in.
Hmmm, a hammer?

 

by El_Phen
10-19-08
Yarrr! I be Cap'n Death-blood! The most fierce pirate that ever walked the poop-deck! I've stolen more treasure and violated more damsels than...
Bob, I'm going to need that report by five ok?
Why ye scurvey sea-swine. By stoppin' me in mid-introduction ye have sealed yer fate in Davey Jones Locker!
What!?
Arrrgh. Ye heard bitch.

 

...and then I say something like "You're right Jimmy that bomb COULD kill a lot of unbelievers...Jimmy, can you say 'Martyrdom'?"
by El_Phen, 11-14-08

 

by El_Phen
11-14-08
As milestones go, 200 comics (not including deleted shite) is pretty fucking good in my book.
But that works out as 4.8 comics per month for the three and a half years you've been reegistered for. Hardly prolific.
Fuck off bitch, you've got AIDS.

Showing page 4.

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