All comics by christopher7murphy

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FLU SEASON!
RABBIT THEASON!
FLU SEASON!
RABBIT THEASON!
Drop'em! And take your shot like a Duck!
Quack!

 

Hey, I just read a strip that mentioned Paul Simon's "Feeling Groovy" song.
GREAT! NOW I CAN'T GET THAT SONG OUT OF MY HEAD!
I know a sure fire way to force it out of your head.
What will you do? Sing "The Sound of Silence?"
HEY! YOU MADE ME FORGET MY SONG! And now I can't get YOUR song out of MY head!
Can I borrow your nail gun?

 

Last night's blind date was terrible. She freaked out and ran away when she found out I had three nipples.
YOU have THREE nipples???
Well...yeah.
Can..um..can I see them?
Well, I don't have them with me right now....

 

Mr. Smith, it says here on your application, that you started and then quit twelve jobs in the last four months.
And it says here, "Reason for Leaving: Will explain."
So?
I'm lazy, Sir.

 

It says on your application that you worked in a bookstore for three weeks and then failed to showup one day.
Working in a bookstore seems like a real cool job. Why did you let them down?
When I started, I thought so too! I could catch up on my reading & meet some real cool people.
This would be funny, if it weren't so true.
But they actually expected me to shelve books, count money, move things. You know...work! Sheesh!

 

If hired for this job, you would be expected to start at NINE O'Clock A.M.
NINE? In the MORNING?
I wouldn't be able to start any day until..um..10:30..at the best.
Why is that?
I can't always get awake in the morning. Ohhh.... And there's a train sometimes.

 

..and if I am hired, I need to let you know that I am having foot surgery next week, so I will need to have some time off to recover.
Is he shittin' me?
I would probably be able to start back up...um, right after Christmas.

 

So Mr. Smith, any questions about the job opening?
Well, with my work history..I was hoping to start at $15.00 an hour. Would that be possible?
"JOB HISTORY?" It says on your application that you had TWELVE jobs in as little as FOUR month!
I know...I am Well Rounded.
If hired, can my wife come in and hang out...you know, just to keep me company?

 

With your work history, your work expectations, and your "over all attitude about life," do you honestly expect me to hire you for this job opening?
Awww...come on. Please?
Alright! But you're on a ninty day probation!
YAY! Thanks Dad!

 

Okay! No one goes ANYWHERE!
I have a "Special Delivery" for any butthole that wants to claim it!
I'm N. E. Butthole!
Sign here please, Mr. Butthole. Thanks.
Call me Ned.

 

Hold tight - wait till the party's over
I can't believe I got Front Row Tickets, MAN!
Hold tight - we're in for nasty weather
There has got to be a way
Burning down the MOUSE!
Ahhhhhhhh!

 

I told the Pet Shop owner that I wanted two rabbits. One named Mary and one named Theodore.
Cool! Were you gonna breed them?
Yeah, but I think they're defective.
Last week, Theodore had twins.

 

.....Deer....................................John.....
...Ewe.........................................Ash....
.......................................I'm Leaving!

 

...Ewe........................................Witch...
...I Gave You...........................Crabs...
..........................................Love, Mike

 

...Ewe.........................................Pig...
...Drop....................................Dead...

 

...Piss........................................Off...
........................................Ewe!
For the love of God! Please quit involving me!

 

My Grandmother. Sheesh! She went on an African safari and killed a tiger with her bare hands!
Wow. She leaves everything to chance!
Then she went skydiving.....with a ripped parachute!
That woman! She leaves everything to chance!
Then, she jumped into an active volcano! She really leaves everything to Chance.
Yep...she REALLY loved that dog.

 

Honey? How's the baby?
He's fine! Stop worrying about him!
But I'm afraid he's going to take after my side of the family. He might -gulp- look just like me.
Why would that be wrong? As long as we love him.
He looks like he's growing fast.
Oh..he is! I bet he grows a FOOT by the end of the week!

 

Trick or Treat!
Hey, Halloween won't be here until next week.
Deck the halls with boughs of holly, fa la la la la, la la la la!
Christmas isn't for TWO months!
This is a Mugging! Just give me your wallet, Calendar Man!
Ohhh..Tax season!

 

How was work?
Busy! A woman came in and tried on everything we had, but didn't buy a single thing!
"The red one was too short, the blue one made her butt look too big." The nerve of her!
Well, think of it as customer service, she might come back.
But I work at a BOOKSTORE!!

 

Oh boy oh boy oh boy!
Okay, count to ten, and I'll show you my Boobie!
You're such a tease!
Does that mean you don't want to see my kitty?

 

"Hello, I am an animatronic."
Man! This new robotic sharkman I built is the COOLEST!
"I am a Hammerhead Shark. I am found in many parts of the world."
Finally, the scientific community will see the genius that I am!
"Usually in water."
Freakin' Sweet!

 

You're a BUG!
Sir, I studied at Harvard. Passed my Bar Exam with the third highest score!
You are a BUG!
I am most DEFINITLY a Lawyer!
I'd rather have a bug!

 

Um...I'm so sorry about last week. I didn't mean to shoot off your finger. I didn't think the gun was loaded!
I did find your finger, it was wedged behind the desk.
Do you think they can still sew it back on?
You keep it, I wanted to give it to you anyway.

 

I CAN"T believe you shot off Gus' finger!
Hey...It was an accident! I swear!
Relax. Same thing happened to my Uncle Bill. He "accidently" shot off the finger of his business partner. He is up for parole in the year 2060.
-gulp- They put him away?!!
Well...his partner was using his finger to pick his nose at the time.

 

Hello?
Honey? I was running late for work..so I didn't have time to clean up. Whatever you do, DON'T open the refrigerator!
Well...okay..but how come?
I had to explain to my lawyer how I shot Gus' finger off...and well...accidents DO happen and...
OH MY GOD! There's a BLOODY FINGER in the onion dip!
Hey! You said you weren't gonna open the fridge!

 

Har! Not only did you "accidently" shoot Gus' finger off...but now you shot your own lawyer's finger off!!? Ha!
It really was an ACCIDENT! BOTH times...I swear!
Sounds like SOMEBODY has an "itchy trigger finger."
-groan-
Now..I'm not pointing fingers! Oh I'm DEFINITLY not "pointing fingers!"

 

Hey! Don't I know you?
YES! You're the guy from the paper! The one who shot his own buddy's finger off...AND his lawyer's!
You better not point that thing at me. With my luck, it might go off.

 

You won't believe the dream I had last night!
I was repotted in a lush tropical garden. Hundreds of people were offering me tokens of appreciation. Gold, Silver, Gift Certificates!
Gift certificates? For what?
Fertilizer!

 

Today at the diner, a customer sat down at my table and said, "Give me some fuckin' waffles! Now!"
So I slammed a frying pan across the back of his skull.
So, what do you want for supper?
I don't care, as long as it's not any of those fuckin' waffles!

 

I am sorry. But I don't think I should have to go to jail for ACCIDENTLY shooting Gus' finger off!
In fact, I bet anyone can give hundreds of reasons why I wouldn't have too!
Dude, Gus can only give you nine.
shutup

 
Just keep your beak shut and try to blend in, I hear they know where the good wine is.

 

Do you think it is possible to take such an unbelievable dump, one where your whole body just clenches up?
I mean, so intense that your toes curl and your socks ball up in your shoes?
um...no...I don't think so..at least not that intense.
Then I must have forgotten to take my pants off again.

 

Heya Chum! Who are the flowers for?
I'm a Winner! I'm a Winner! I'm a....
Big night! I have a date with a goddess! She's an Actress. Her name is Marilyn Monroe!
um..Marilyn Monroe is dead.
Do you think she would rather have candy then?

 

You kids don't know what "rough" is. Wish I could mess around all day and eat ice cream!
You just stand on the corner all day, yelling at kids!
Yeah! But I don't get Ice Cream!
You can go get some Ice Cream.
But then I wouldn't have anything to yell at the kids.

 

Greetings Ambassador of the Planet Moogo. I am Captain James T Kirk. We welcome you....
You are Captain JAMES T KIRK? We of the Planet Moogo have heard of you. You are considered an Alien Letch! Seducing females of all planets, and then abandoning them!
But..but...um..
You are not welcome on our planet! Any contact by you and your crew will be treated as an act of war! Good day, Sir!
Does that mean we won't be spooning?

 

EEEK! A ROBBER! Won't somebody help me??!!
Relax lady, I'm a referee from your son's football tryouts. He told me I could borrow your crowbar.
We needed to open a crate, so I was looking for the crowbar in your basement (by the way, your lightbulb blew out).
Ohhh, that boy! He is so nice! Of COURSE you can borrow the crowbar!
Thanks, Mam. He also said I could borrow your jewelry..and your credit cards too!

 

WoooHoo Baby! Shake that evergreen!
I'd like to leave a present under her!
She really digs me. I can tell by the way she blinks at me.
Have you ever seen so many piercings?
I think her needles are starting to fall.
Who Cares!

 

I've been thinking a lot about my New Years Resolution.
I'm resolving to stop putting off things. To try harder to accomplish more.
Wow, you are ambitious. New Years is still two months away.
No. I meant for last January. Next year, I'm just gonna resolve to screw it and be myself.

 
BOO!
AHHHHHHHHHH!

 

First there was a loud "Boom!" Then some long high pitched hissing.
Hmm Mmmm.
Followed by some short small snapping sounds. And finally, everything just went down.
I seeeee.
MMMM? Did you remember to jiggle the handle?

 

MMM? What is your Poop of the Day?
Tonight, we offer a long brown steamer with just the slightest hint of peppermint.
And is it served with a side?
Yes. Corn, Sir.
Very good! I will have that, with a glass of your finest.
Very well, Sir. Will you be flinging it here or to go?

 

So Billy, how's the school play coming along?
ROTTEN! I have to dress up as a bottle of ketchup!
Sam gets to be a Hotdog! Sally gets to be a Hotdog! Even Joey gets to be a Hotdog!
Well, Son...We can't all be "Weeners."

 

Do you have Harry Potter number seven?
Sorry. So far there is no release date for the seventh Harry Potter.
But I am the CUSTOMER! Why won't you help me! You're a BOOK STORE, AINTCHA?
The book does NOT exist, Sir.
Can't you call someone?

 

Do you have that new book by that one guy that was on television this morning?
Do you have a title or author, Mam?
Well! I don't know! It was on TV.
I'm sorry, Mam...I've been working all morning. I'm not sure what title you saw. Can you describe the book?
Well...it's blue.

 

Miss? I need "Preston's Guide to Showdogs."
We don't carry that particular title in stock, but we can get it. If I order today, it will be here in a week.
Why can't you have the books I want in stock? Is that too much to ask?
I'm sorry, Sir. But I CAN order it. If you find the title somewhere else before it arrives, you are never obligated. There is no additional cost.
NO! I would much rather go home upset. It helps me with my sunny disposition.

 

Can I get a copy of "Donut Man's Revenge?"
I'm sorry, that title was published in 1989. It is currently Out-of-Print.
Can't you order it?
I'm sorry. But it is Out-of-Print. They don't make it anymore. Any stock was sold through many years ago.
Well, can you look in the back room?

 

Excuse me, I need a copy of "Donut Man's Revenge."
I'm sorry, that title was originally published in 1989 and is no longer in print.
HA! Agatha Christie's titles were originally published a lot earlier than 1989...and HER books are still in print!
Agatha Christie's books get reprinted over and over again. But "Donut Man's Revenge" has never been reprinted.
My wife sent me in, because she says you didn't want to do business with her.

 

HA! I knew you were wrong! I found a copy of "Donut Man's Revenge" after you told me it didn't exist!
That title is unavailable to me, but I am glad you were able to find a copy.
Can I ask where you found it?
In the used bookstore across town...loser!

 

I need a recipe for apple pie.
Great. We have quite an assortment of cookbooks.
Well, which one has the best recipe?
I'm sorry, I really don't know how to cook myself. But I can show you which titles sell better.
SHEESH! Does the customer have to do your work for you?!

Showing page 4.

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