All comics by evil_d

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by evil_d
10-12-01
Say "moh" if you love being savagely violated by large red robots!
Yeah, right. Who would fall for... oh no!
Ha! Just as I suspected. You can't let a strip pass by without saying it, can you?
I am so going to make you pay for this.
moh!
RAAAARR!

 

by evil_d
10-15-01
Bishop to king's four. Checkmate!
Motherfucker!

 

by evil_d
10-17-01
RRAAAAARRR! TOBOR HEAR SOMEONE AROUND HERE MADE COLLECT CALL WITHOUT DIALING 1-800-COLLECT!
Ack! Uh, I, I don't know what you're talking about, man.
DO NOT GIVE TOBOR THAT JIBBA-JABBA! TELL TOBOR WHERE HE WENT!
Okay, okay! He, uh, he went down that alley over there!
RRAAAAAAAAARRR! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE DA FOO!
Must... remain... calm....

 

by evil_d
10-19-01
Damn it, private! You know the South surrendered to us yesterday. What the hell were you doing sneaking around in their camp?
Sorry, sir. I was just spray painting something.
Spray painting? What did you write?
"Wirthling sucks".
I see. Excellent work, soldier.
It wasn't easy fitting all those letters on such a small guard dog.

 

by evil_d
10-25-01
Mel! We're ready to start the next scene!
Damn.

 

by evil_d
10-27-01
Afternoon, sir. I'm Senator Strom Thurmond, and I'm going door-to-door to talk to my constituents about voting for me in the next--
Pull!!!
(*Whoooosh!!!*)
...election.
(*BANG!!!*)

 

by evil_d
10-27-01
Old hag won't let me go fishin' with my buddies this weekend, huh? Well, there's plenty of fishin' right here! Pull!!!
(*Whoooosh!!!*)
(*BANG!!!*)

 

by evil_d
10-27-01
How are you gentlemen!! All your base are belong to us.
Pull!!!
(*Whoooosh!!!*)
What you say!!
(*BANG!!!*)

 

by evil_d
11-02-01
Help us!
Save us!
Take us away!
Kill all de white people!
Den we'll be free!

 

by evil_d
11-02-01
So that medicine is making you change... species like this? And the pharmaceutical company won't tell you what to do about it?
When I told them my problem, they hung up on me. Then when I called back they played Alanis Morissette songs at me until *I* hung up -- which didn't take very long, I assure you.
Then we'd better get you to a doctor -- and keep well away from any mirrors. No offense, but I am NOT sharing a bed with any of these bizarre creatures.
I know it must be hard for you, to be separated for so long from my real body.
Though I admit, some of them are kind of cute.
...but not as cute as my real body, right?

 

by evil_d
11-03-01
My children, I do not understand. I am a gentle man, with a message of peace, yet I sense that you fear and mistrust me. Why?
I'm a donkey, and I heard you were going to steal my bed!
I'm dead, but I heard that you won't even let guys like me rest in peace!
I'm a representative from Fishes and Loaves Against Cloning, and I must protest your egregious treatment of my constituents.
I'm a Turk. Call me crazy, but I've got this premonition that in a few centuries, Europeans are going to lead violent crusades against my people in your name.
I'm a film critic, and I don't even know where to start with "The Greatest Story Ever Told"....

 

by evil_d
11-06-01
1997, October 1, The END DAY. Savage war engulfs the world. Civilization is destroyed.
An evolution had taken place. The earth's axis shifted and all creatures became mutated. Life would never be the same....
...well, maybe that was too much to ask for.
God bless you, sir! Spare any change?
Fuck off.

 

by evil_d
11-07-01
Can we go over the plan one more time?
Sure. You're disguised as a member of the planet's most prevalent species. Their culture seems to be based on destruction, so just go tearing around and find some stuff to knock down.
Right. And you?
We've determined that they take their orders from low-level artificial intelligences made out of metal. This robot disguise is meant to convince them that I'm some sort of messiah.
Okay, I've got all that. But why is your mother-in-law disguised as a mushroom cloud?
I'm hoping the wind will blow her away.

 

by evil_d
11-07-01
I went into the woods to prove that anyone can live independently if you borrow a lot, don't repay debts, exploit your friends, and eat badly. Boasting about your superior lifestyle seems to help too.
...I didn't eat very much... just potatoes, green corn, peas, rice, molasses, rye meal, indian meal, pork, flour, sugar, lard, apples, dried apple, sweet potatoes, pumpkin, watermelon, salt, bread....
...a bed, a desk, a cup.... None is so poor that he need sit on a pumpkin. That is shiftlessness. There is a plenty of such chairs as I like best in the village garrets to be had for taking them away.
GET! TO! THE FUCKING! POINT!

 

by evil_d
11-11-01
Good morning, class. Today we'll be learning about the small third-world nation of Pacmanistan.
Though their land is poor in resources, the cultural and spirital wealth of the Pacman people is quite impressive.
The region's staple food is a small, tastless wafer of unleavened bread. The name for these wafers translates roughly as "dots". Fruits are rare, and highly prized.
But the Pacmans are a very superstitious people. A common religious ritual involves the consumption of vitamin pills which are believed to ward off ghosts.
Sadly, Pacmanistan is behind the curve in terms of civil rights. Women are forced to wear red or pink ribbons at all times while in public.
Yet despite their flaws, the arts and customs of Pacmanistan have been imitated repeatedly by other societies. I dare say they affect the way we think, even how we dress.

 

by evil_d
11-14-01
Alright ladies, very good work so far. I can see you're all loosening up. Now let's move on to a trickier subject.
In this segment, we'll discuss how to make the most of those awkward four to ten days out of each month.
Ten days???
Remember, just because you *feel* bloated, cranky and unattractive, doesn't mean you *are*.
TEN FUCKING DAYS A MONTH?? That's like a third of my life!! That's it, I want to change back NOW.

 

by evil_d
11-14-01
This is Marcia Brady for QVC news, reporting live from the war-torn nation of Pacmanistan along with renowned war correspondent Hawk Punter.
As Americans already know, Pacmanistan's despotic government might be harboring individuals who were friends with those responsible for the tragic eating of over 6,000 US citizens earlier this year.
That's right, Hawk. The US military has responded quickly, deploying air forces to attack the Pacman citizens with experimental weaponry.
Located in a historically dry, barren climate, this year Pacmanistan is expected to receive more precipitation in the form of explosives than of water.
I don't understand! No matter how many energy pellets we eat, the bombs keep killing us.
I found an escape tunnel, but it only leads to the other side of the bombing area.

 

by evil_d
11-15-01
Does my ass make these pants look fat?
No! Er, wait... I mean... yes? Um...
...uh...
...so you think my ass is fat?
You tricked me.

 

by evil_d
11-16-01
APPROACH, MY MINION, AND TELL ME OF YOUR NEFARIOUS PLANS!
Hail, Great Bert! I have devised a plan wherein I break into publishing houses and fill elementary school textbooks with tales of Grover Cleveland's neuticles!
TOO ANACHRONISTIC! Plus I don't really like Neuticles. Found that out when Ernie--
Right! Well, then how about I introduce a bill to Congress requiring every American to memorize one of Millard Fillmore's fourth-grade essays?
CONGRESS? Those clowns couldn't pass a kidney stone without attaching six riders to it. YOUR REQUEST IS DENIED!
Aw, crap. Guess it's back to doing entire stand-up routines about Andrew Johnson's Johnson.

 

by evil_d
11-17-01
Step 1: Get a hammer and nails.
Step 2: Find a church door.
Whatever you're selling, we don't want any!
Step 3: What were we talking about?

 

by evil_d
11-27-01
This Pole ain't big enough for the two of us, Claus.

 

by evil_d
11-27-01
It looks like you're out for a Sunday stroll!
It looks like you're a giant talking paper clip!
It looks like you're a regular fucking Einstein!
It looks like you've got a real attitude problem!
It looks like it's time for me to whip out my AK!
It looks like you're gonna need some hands to hold it with!

 

by evil_d
11-28-01
Welcome back to "Whose Wife Is It Anyway?" Maura's just rejected Bachelor Number Sixty-five because he belongs to the Committee for the Unity of Neurotic Tentmakers.
I'm ready to athk my nextht quethtion, Gabe.
Bachelor Number Thixthty-thixth, thuppothe we're on a date, and you're driving me thomewhere in your thexthy red thportth car. What'th playing on the thtereo?
Um... why, we'd be listening to... uh... William Shatner's... spoken-word... disco... fever!... of course. Uh, why do you ask?
Thoundth like you're not too thure of your anthwer, Bachelor Thixthty-thixth. Ith there thomething you're not telling me?
Ack! Okay, I admit it! I always play thrashpunk deathgrind speedcore metal on the first date! It just sets the mood so perfectly!

 

by evil_d
11-29-01
Well, I think we all know what's going to happen here.

 

by evil_d
11-29-01
It was a lot more impressive last week.

 

by evil_d
11-30-01
One day at the ranch...
So I says, "Well, them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves!"
Ha, ha!
What the fuck are you laughing about?
Sorry. Norwegian Laughing Sickness.

 

by evil_d
12-01-01
We sure had some great times back in the day, eh Captain Underpants? Remember that time we fought the Criminal Union of Men, and you had to fly to the surface of the sun to capture their leader?
Called himself The Vacuum 'cause he had superhuman sucking abilities. Yeah, I gave him a real mouthful.
Or what about that time Doctor Enormous, with that foot-long brain of his, tried to lecture us on Einstein's Theory of Relative Idiocy? I used my superpowered laughter to make him crack.
I always thought you'd just gotten Norwegian Laughing Sickness.
No, I never had that... but I recall the time you did. We'd hired sixteen male escorts for the night. No sooner did I pull off my trousers than you came down with a case that infected the lot of them!
Highly contagious, that Norwegian Laughing Sickness is.

 

by evil_d
12-02-01
God bless you, gentlemen, God bless you!
Please give the PayPal button a penny or two!
If you haven't got a penny, a ha'penny will do.
If you haven't got a ha'penny...
TOBOR CORNHOLE YOU!

 

by evil_d
12-05-01
Ho ho hzzzsssskkt! Merry Chrisssszktmas!
A robotic Santa Claus? But the elves organizing against Santa is what got us into this mess! Do you really think a Robo-Santa can save us now?
Ho ho ho... yes, Santa -- I mean, Robo-Santa is the solution! Er... bzzzst, crackle, ho.

 

by evil_d
12-07-01
So I cut holes in the knees of all my jeans, but it still wasn't enough, you know? I needed something that really articulated how I was battered by fate.
So I went out to Dallas. There's this guy there who'll give you a genuine exit wound, from a real bullet, for $600.
Hold on a second. If you have $600 of disposable income, how hard can your life possibly be?
You don't understand. It's a metaphor for the pain and suffering of my everyday life.
Oh, I understand, all right. Some guy in Dallas figured out a way to shoot poseurs and get paid for it. This man is a genius.

 

by evil_d
12-11-01
You look sad, Susie. What's the matter?
Uncle Jack, we were playing make-believe, and Billy said that my character had to get captured and tortured by elves!
Susie, I'm surprised at you. You know that role playing is evil and wrong. If you keep doing it, Our Savior Jesus will hand you over to Satan, whose demons will torture you for eternity!
With Jesus' help, you can have the strength to resist ever casting another spell. Gather up your rule books and your Britney Spears CDs, and burn them before it's too late!
You're being silly, Uncle Jack. I'm too old to believe in magic. I'm talking about playing make-believe.

 

by evil_d
12-14-01
Last night at the movies, I saw this trailer for the next Star Wars--
I am a DIE HARD Star Wars fan, and let me tell you, that movie is going to suck! Lucas has pissed all over that series.
But it was his series to begin with.
Jar Jar Binks sucked. The Ewoks sucked. Luke was whiny and sucked. The title of Episode 2 sucks. All of Episode 1 sucked.
Is there anything you like about Star Wars?
Boba Fett was pretty cool.

 

by evil_d
12-18-01
You've got to check out this new band I just heard, they're called "Sonic Amalgam", they're power metal, but with deathcore and spacepunk influences.
What's spacepunk again?
Spacepunk is like a cross between speed grindcore and ambient thrash noise. There aren't any bands that actually play spacepunk; it just exists to fill a void.
Speed grindcore is bands like "Excessive Division", right?
You're thinking of mall grindcore. Man, one time I asked this record store clerk for speed and he pointed me to mall, I almost tore his head off right there.
You could probably have sued.

 

by evil_d
12-19-01
I'm so proud of the rich underground music scene we have in this town. Last weekend I saw three different trance jazz shows, and had lunch with one of the bands.
Tomorrow night I'm going to see "Squall". They play revisionist metal, which is basically an attempt to recapture the sensibilities of the '80s with modern--
Yeah, I only listen to Top 40 stations.

 

by evil_d
12-19-01
Thanks for giving me this interview, man. All of us down at the 'zine love your album. So, what style of music would you say it belongs to?
Style? I guess I never thought of it as belonging to any particular style. How about you just leave that part blank?
What? But... what about the record store owners? If they don't know what genre it is, how will they know where to stock it?
They can tape it to the bloody ceiling for all I care. We've sold 200 copies off our web site already, and none of those fans asked about a genre.
But... but... think of the children! How will they know whether they're supposed to like it or not? They need our guidance!!
You know, I'm starting to have second thoughts about this interview.

 

by evil_d
12-19-01
The other day, an ignorant friend -- acquaintance, I should say -- gave me a tape to listen to, saying it was the best death metal he'd heard in years.
When I played it, it turned out not to be DEATH metal at all, but BLACK metal! Can you believe that?
Was it any good?
What the hell does that have to do with anything?

 

by evil_d
12-19-01
A keen ear and an orderly mind are what separate us from the animals!
Hear, hear!
Anyone who can't tell the difference between the Dead Kennedys and Blink-182 isn't someone I want to know!
Can you believe there are people who've never heard of either of those bands?
The poor fools! Thank god we don't allow people like that to vote.

 

by evil_d
12-20-01
Can you imagine how impossible it would be for a band to gain popularity if their albums were in a different section in every music store?
You mean like They Might Be Giants?
The exception that proves the rule!
Yeah!

 

by evil_d
12-21-01
Yesterday I wrote this article for our 'zine about how metal and mallcore are different and metal rocks and mallcore sucks.
That's great. Now we really need to increase our circulation so the message will reach, like, people who don't already know.
I thought of that. So I went online and started posting the article to a whole lot of message boards, especially ones for mallcore bands.
Fantastic! At last, someone using the internet to disseminate information, the way it was meant to be.
Yeah. I haven't been able to get on at all today, though. I'll have to call my ISP later.

 

by evil_d
12-27-01
Santa, now that Christmas is over, the gang and I were wondering if we could maybe have a few days of vacation.
Vacation?? You should be grateful I let you keep your job at all, after that strike you organized back in June! Get back to work before I feed you to the reindeer!
I don't get it. We mine coal 365 days a year, but most children still get presents in their stockings! Where does all the coal go?
Damn it! Only 25 million tons this year! How are we supposed to keep the fires of eternal torment burning with this?
Guess you just weren't bad enough this year, boss. Next year, let's try bombing Amnesty International's headquarters or something.

 

by evil_d
12-27-01
So are you going to review the new "Shattered Mirror" album for the 'zine?
I don't know, man. I listened to it over and over, and like... half the songs are thrash metal, and the other half are speed metal. I have no idea how to categorize it!
What? Why would anyone make an album like that?
Beats me. I bet no record stores stock it 'cause they don't know what section to put it in. Serves the band right for selling out their fans like that.
Of course, most record stores don't *have* separate sections for speed and thrash....
Certainly they do! It's the idiot stockboys who always put everything in the wrong place. Sometimes I go around and fix it, just to be altruistic.

 

by evil_d
12-28-01
I read this interview with hed(pe) where they said they call their style "G-punk".
And yet it's clearly rapcore. I don't know what makes them think they have the right to assign genre names arbitrarily like that.
MTV and VH1 do the same thing.
So do radio stations. And magazines like Rolling Stone and SPIN.
And catalogs like BMG and Columbia House. And music stores. And record labels.
Do you ever get that feeling like you're holding contemporary culture together through sheer force of will?

 

by evil_d
12-31-01
It's bad enough that people confuse metal fans with mallcore listeners, who are often morons, trend-hoppers, rude, angsty, and young teenagers.
Damn right it is.
But I'm tired of having to put up with the stereotype that metalheads themselves are all stupid, violent, angsty guys who are just children at heart!
I think we're all tired of it!
The truth is, we metalheads are fairly intelligent, somewhat happy, discerning, commonly very nice, dedicated 18-40-year-olds united by love of music!
And we refuse to be stereotyped!

 

by evil_d
1-08-02
You want me to listen to a metal band? Guys with bad hair, worse clothes, and drug habits? Didn't that go out with the '80s?
Modern metal acts are much more mature than that. Nowadays bands are made up of responsible people who care about their music.
Yeah, that's the other thing I hated about metal. I don't want any wailing guitar solos, or singers with voices like nails on a chalkboard.
Please. The music has matured as well. These days it's ten times deeper and richer than anything those '80s hacks ever did.
So you're saying that metal is nothing like metal.
You wouldn't understand. It's a shame you can't appreciate good music.

 

by evil_d
1-10-02
I would never listen to mainstream radio, or buy an album by any band that gets played on mainstream radio.
Those corporate whores do nothing but pollute the airwaves with trendy, derivative crap that doesn't even deserve to be called music!
What would you do if a musical genius, the next Beethoven or Bach, started to get airtime on mainstream radio?
HAH! Like that would ever happen.
That doesn't answer the question.

 

by evil_d
1-14-02
Afternoon, sir. I'm from the bank. Since you've missed your last five mortgage payments, I'm afraid we have to repossess your house.
Not if I have anything to say about it! Pull!!!
(*Whoooosh!!!*)
(*BANG!!!*)

 

by evil_d
1-18-02
It looks like you're skeet shooting. Would you like some help?
Pull!!!
(*Whoooosh!!!*)
(*BANG!!!*)

 

by evil_d
1-23-02
Yeah, I'd have to say that black metal and power metal are tied for my favorite kinds, but speed metal is a pretty close third.
What about hair metal?

 

by evil_d
1-23-02
By the power of Greyskull, I HAVE THE POWER!!
Yes, I know what you're thinking -- what a stupid line! But it could have been worse. Let's take a look at some alternate He-Man battle cries.
By the power of Greyskull, I HAVE THE LOST WORKS OF THE CLASSICAL GREEK PLAYWRIGHT MENANDER!!
I've been looking all over for them! It'd be right heroic of you to donate them to my museum.
By the power of Greyskull, I HAVE THE CLAP!!
That'll be $50.

 

by evil_d
1-24-02

Showing page 4.

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