All comics by krandall

Profile

 

by krandall
8-05-09
Is it true you murdered 65 people in one chaotic weekend massacre?
Sixty-seven.
Oh. Right. That would explain why we're up here.

 

by krandall
8-06-09
I've got the perfect idea to advertise for the new product line, J.W. It's never been thought of before. It's so original!
Ok. Shoot.
Alright. Some dufus is doing something stupid, and in comes a smarter, cooler character who shakes their head, and tells him about our products.
And of course the cool guy looks exactly like our target market! Yes!
The viewer laughs hysterically and runs out the door to buy our stuff cause he doesn't want to be like the dufus. He wants to be like the cool guy!
And we'll play it a thousand times a day just to be sure. I like it, Johnson! I'm giving you a raise and a corner office!

 

by krandall
8-06-09
My regular brand of potato chips gave me the ebola virus! I'm such an idiot. Why was I even born!? What should I do, Pete?
That kid looks just like me!
You idiot, Billy! Why don't you try CoolMunch potato chips? They're way cooler! And you won't get ebola either.
Man, I wish I was as cool as that guy.
CoolMunch Potato chips! Run to the store! Now! Go get some! Before you get ebola, you moron! Run!

 

by krandall
8-06-09
I only eat CoolMunch potato chips, cause I'm cool, like that Pete guy on TV. He had a skateboard and everything.
Wow! A skateboard! I wish I was that cool. But I can't afford a skateboard. My family is poor.
You moron. You don't need a skateboard to be cool. You just need to eat CoolMunch potato chips, like me.
Wow! Really!? Ok! I'm going to the store right now.
Idiot. He probably has ebola.

 

by krandall
8-06-09
You know what would suck? Having your mouth glued shut and getting a firehose shoved up your ass.
And then when the water is turned on, you drown in your own shit until your lungs explode. That would totally suck.
Just... back... away... slowly...
Did you hear that sick little fucker? I can't wait to torture his ass when he gets down here.
Torture him? I'm giving him a staff job!

 

by krandall
8-06-09
Just admit you were wrong and the pain stops. Confess your blasphemy and your agony shall be relieved.
*gurgle* *groan*
Recant your abominable lies! Ask for forgiveness. It will all end if you just retract your execrable heresy, foolish mortal!
*gasp* *grunt*
Abandon your detestable assertion! Withdraw your defamatory slander! Repent your profane contention, bitch! Confess I say!
Alright! Alright! I confess! Vampires do NOT sparkle!

 

by krandall
8-06-09
Ready...
Aim...
You wanted to see me, sir?
Yes, Miller. As you know this company's being going through tough times lately...

 

by krandall
8-06-09
Fired... the week after taking out a mortgage on a new home. And I was gonna propose to Laura tonight...
*sigh*
Oh well. Time to email the boss's real expense account details to the board of directors. $984 in "toiletries" my ass.

 

by krandall
8-06-09
Ready...
Aim...
You wanted to see me, Jack?
Yes. With our company in tough fiscal times, I was wondering how you justify charging a $500/night hooker to the expense accounts?

 

by krandall
8-06-09
That son-of-a-bitch!
I'll show him! Time to send a mass email out to the shareholders about our actual gains this year.
Shit... The only one with access to the shareholder's email accounts was Miller.

 

by krandall
8-06-09
Ready...
Aim...
You wanted to see me, sir?
Yes, Miller. As you know, with both the executive director and CEO gone, this company is in need of a leader who knows what's going on...

 

by krandall
8-06-09
Ready...
Aim...
Hi, sweetie! Sorry I'm late. *tee hee*
Hello, Laura. As you know, with my recent promotion to CEO, I've had numerous offers of meaningless sex from women far more beautiful than you...

 

by krandall
8-06-09
That dirty bastard! How dare he toss me away like an old rag! How could he- Why would he-
*sob*
Ah, well. Time to fire off a phonecall to the IRS about the income he's been skimming off the company books the past five years.

 

by krandall
8-06-09
Ready...
Aim...
My name's Gary. I'm your new cellmate.
Actually, your name's Mary now. You're in luck too. The special of the day is tossed salad. I hope you're hungry.

 

by krandall
8-22-09
You know what's the biggest problem with being invisible, folks?
People fart so freely when they think they're alone.
Ah? Ah? Is this thing on?

 

by krandall
1-25-10
Oh crap. I forgot to put a soul in that woman I made.
Don't worry. I took care of it.
Cool. Saves me a whole redesign. Thanks, Lucifer.
Heh. No problem.
You said you love me and you won't even eat the apple with me! How can you claim to love me when you can't even do this one little thing? Blah! Blah! Nag! Nag! etc.
*TWITCH*

 

by krandall
12-30-10
Ok. Here's that gameshow idea I had. You make a giant slingshot with bungee cords and a basket. A hundred feet away you have a running wood chipper with no safety shields.
So far so good.
Then they quiz you. For every question you get right, a puppy is launched toward the wood chipper. If it hits it, you win $1000. I call it Fido Flingers. Ah? AH?
A puppy? What the fuck is the matter with you, man? Have you completely lost your mind?
But wait! The goo that comes out of the wood chipper is then offered to members of PETA who have been kept starving for two weeks. If they eat it, you get another $1000!
Oh. Well if someone's abusing those annoying PETA assholes, I guess a few puppies could be sacrificed.

 

by krandall
1-11-11
We've rechecked the data. Extra-solar gravitational wavelengths do vary measureably, depending on the relative positions of the planets in the solar system.
And the cellular mutations?
Yes. There's a unique gravitional wave every 30 degrees. Though these variations are miniscule, they can effect fetal development at the biochemical level.
Thirty degrees... or approximately 1/12th of the Earth's rotation around the sun!
Yes. Astonishingly, after $43 million in research, we've effectively proven that astrologers were right all along.
Which ultimately explains why as a Scorpio, my cock is nearly twice the size of your little Pisces pecker. Ha! In your face, bitch!

 

by krandall
1-14-11
I just have two questions.
First, have you seen that vial of LSD I was using to test on rats? It was right next to my coffee mug two minutes ago.
And second, why are you dressed as a triceratops?

 

by krandall
1-15-11
So... You're saying if I have sex with you, it will help with scientific research that may one day cure cancer?
The hypothesis is that the oxytocin released at orgasm helps reduce the cellular mutations associated with tumor growth. But we need to be sure.
Well... tee hee. I guess so. If it'll help science. Okay. Just give me a minute alone to get undressed, kay?
Heh. Stupid blondes. They'll fall for anything.
Stupid scientist. I don't even have cancer. How's he gonna cure it? LOL!

 

by krandall
1-15-11
A few tiny little squirts after five minutes of milking?
Sorry. That's all there is.
How am I supposed to eat my cornflakes with this?

 

by krandall
1-15-11
I don't understand. He said he'd meet me right here. It's only our second date. He can't be blowing me off already.
I bet he is. I bet he's just using me. Just like every other man I've ever dated. But what could he possibly want from me?
Sorry I'm late. You ready to go?

 

by krandall
1-16-11
Wow. My own holy avenging angel. Thanks, Uncle Morty. This is awesome!
The only question is, who do I exact a brutal retribution upon first?
And that takes care of the guy who gave me a dirty look on the sidewalk 8 months ago. Now onto asshole number 4,385,622.

 

by krandall
1-18-11
Okay. The Will. Let's see here. "I, Brian J. Winthrop, being of sound mind and healthy body, do hereby bequeath my mortal remains as follows...
Cha-ching!
"My entire estate and all its holdings is granted to the little green man under the porch who shall henceforth be referred to as Reggie Pickles.
WTF!?
"The sex I had with Reggie Pickles over the years was without a doubt the most mind-blowing experience I..." Well so much for being of sound mind.
Fuck!

 

by krandall
1-19-11
Know what would suck? If you took broken glass and thumb tacks and froze them inside an icicle made of salt and vinegar. And then shove it up someone's ass.
And duct tape it in there. First there'd be horrible frostbite. Then as it melts, the glass will slice flesh and the vinegar would get in the cuts.
Just... back... away... slowly...
This kid's a goddamn genius! We need him, Fred. We need him bad.
Send him six of our best succubi. Make sure he never turns all good on us.

 

by krandall
1-20-11
I wonder if I'll get that promotion this week. I've sure worked my ass off. I deserve it.
Yo! What up, homes? How she swingin' muthafucka? Aw-right. Check y'all latah, muh brutha...
Great. A black cat crossed my path. So much for the promotion now.

 

by krandall
1-20-11
If you moronic metalheads weren't so high all your lives you'd realize the truth. Justin Beiber is musically superior to Led Zeppelin in every conceivable way.
Three... Two... One...
Ah! Oh yes! Oh, beat me, big brute! Oh my God! Harder! Yes!

 

by krandall
1-20-11
Yuck, dude.
What?
You smell like a vagina.

 

by krandall
1-20-11
Sarah...?
If you don't wanna have sex with me, just say no, okay...?
-CLICK-

 

by krandall
1-23-11
Mrs. Hollenby is up next, Doctor. Doris Hollenby.
Fuckin' bloody hell. Sometimes I hate being a gynecologist.
It's just a routine examination. How bad could it be?
You don't understand. This is Doris Hollenby we're talking about.
With her it's not so much an examination as an afternoon of leisurely spelunking.

 

by krandall
1-24-11
So you'll never guess what happened after work yesterday.
What's that?
I went out for some drinks with the gals, and who do I run into at the bar? Mr. Hollenby, Doris' husband.
I see. And?
Well it turns out, he's a very persuasive fellow. Long story short, you'll be doing some spelunking next time you examine me.
I thought you were walking a bit funny today.

 

by krandall
1-24-11
Aw damn, baby. I take one look at you and the only thought in my head is sliding my rock hard cock deep into your tight little pink ass.
Tee hee!
K...
Y...?

 

by krandall
1-25-11
Daddy! My balloon flew'd away! Whaaaaa! Get it back!
Ka-BLAM!
Thanks, daddy!
There ya go, punkin'.
16 years later.
Now punkin', tell me again about this boy who took you to bed and never called again.

 

by krandall
1-25-11
I know whacking Hank over a $5000 gambling debit is like cracking a walnut with a sledgehammer, but we have a repuation to uphold. Can you handle it?
Me tink so...
So what'd da boss say we's spose ta do with ole Hank?
D'ah... Me no know. Me tink...
Me tinks he said someting bout whacking a sledgehammer on his nuts.

 

by krandall
1-27-11
Well, the device is complete and the first test run was a success.
What does it do?
I've invented a machine that will slap the fuck out of someone until all idiocy is completely eraticated from the subject's psyche.
There's a dead woman in there.
Oh yeah. That's Snooki. Apparently when all idiocy was slapped out of her, there was nothing left.
I'll take 20.

 

by krandall
1-27-11
They say you suck a pretty good dick, Jenni. Hmph. I've had some of the best. I'll be the judge of this.
I haven't seen Dan at work all week. Lemmie guess. You had to demonstrate why they call you "The Blackbelt of the Blowjob".
*Tee hee!* It took you three weeks to come out of the coma. And the speech therapy seems to have fixed that stutter. Good for you!

 

by krandall
1-27-11
"Dear Billy Trillby. As promised, here are the items you requested of the Children's Wish Foundation...
160,000 gallons of rhinoceros cum, and the Bubbles the Chimp fuck doll which once belonged to Micheal Jackson himself.
May your remaining days be filled with joy and..." Dammit. Who the hell is Billy Trillby, and where's my trip to Disney World!?

 

by krandall
1-27-11
Ho...
Ho...
Ho...

 

by krandall
1-27-11
What the hell?
Is this Disney World?
Where the hell is my rhinoceros cum?

 

by krandall
1-29-11
How much is the pie?
3.141592653589793 23846264338327950 28841971693993751 05820974944592307 81640628620899862 80348253421170679 82148086513282306 64709384460955058
Philistine...

 

by krandall
1-29-11
How much is the pie?
Stacy's off today, but I'm sure you can get Betty for ten bucks and a couple of beers.
Philistine...

 

by krandall
1-29-11
How much is the pie?
That depends entirely on your health insurance deductible really.
Philistine...

 

by krandall
1-29-11
How much is the pie?
For you? About three thousand sit-ups and a jog to Kentucky and back.
Phil..istine...

 

by krandall
1-29-11
Hear about the gay agorophobic?
He wouldn't come out of the closet.

 

by krandall
1-30-11
Mommy, I want a cookie.
Now, now, Gina. You didn't say the magic word.
Let's go, bitch! This cock ain't gonna suck itself!
*GASP!*
Hmph. That magic word always works for Daddy.

 

by krandall
1-31-11
Oh my God! This feels so good! She's amazing! I think I'm falling in love! Oh God! Everything is bliss! This is the best sex I've ever had! I want to marry this girl! I'm in love! Ah! I'm gonna cum!
*Blort!*
Damn! What was I thinking? I gotta get the hell out of here!

 

by krandall
1-31-11
Damn! What was I thinking? I gotta get the hell outta here! Why did I even agree to this? He's so- ooh, that felt kinda nice. He's so... Oh do that again! I think he's gonna make me cum. He's... AHH!
*BLORT!*
Oh my God! I love him! He's the best ever! I can't believe how perfect this all is! I could spend the rest of my life with this man! He's so perfect in every... Hey, where's he going?

 

by krandall
1-31-11
*BLORT!*
Yahoo! We're free! We're on our way! Last one to the ovum is a tadpole! Ha ha! We- Wait a second! What the fuck!?
Oh my God! That's not a cervix! It's a uvula!

 

by krandall
2-02-11
Honestly, Brad. Please don't be mad or anything, but I don't wanna take our relationship further.
The sex has been amazing and I don't want that to end. You're a great guy and a great lover and everything, but I just think of you as a friend...
... with bunny feets.

 

by krandall
2-04-11
So this new chick just moved into my building nextdoor to me. Super hot of course, smoking body. Her name's Farrah. Perfect 10 all the way.
Heh. Right. Go on...
And of course, day one. She's not even unpacked yet and she has a guy over just giving it to her hard. Man, she had me so damn horny. Better than porn.
Better than porn? How in the hell does she make you horny through the appartment walls?
I dunno. I guess she was emitting Farrah moans.

Showing page 4.

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