All comics by pita

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by pita
1-21-03
I better go ask that policeman if he's seen my daddy...
Mr. Policeman, I've lost my daddy.
What's he like?
Beer and football. Yup, that's what he likes.

 

by pita
1-21-03
There is more money being spent today on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by the year 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections...
...having absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

 

by pita
1-21-03
May I have your attention, please...
Effective January 18, 2003, all K-Mart and Walmart stores in Iraq will be closed.
They will be replaced with Targets.

 

by pita
2-03-03
Hey, pita, you can be as colossally geeky as the rest of us... you're at the 200th comic and 400th post at the same time!
Oh, shit...but I just posted in the Ultimate run-on-sentence thread...doesn't it just figure...seems my whole life is like that, lousy stuff happening to me all the time...it's really kinda freaky....
it's almost as if someone jinxed me or cast a spell over me, following me around like a shroud all the rest of my days, making me fail at everything I attempt in life...including any relationships....
and any job I attempt...but then I seem to have the scent of victim, and they smell it, like animals, ready to pounce and devour me at every turn...and it just seems like it's taking me forever to...

 

by pita
2-20-03
I'm all set to go... I took Tom Ridge's advice & stocked up on plastic sheeting and duct tape.
I think the chance of Americans being attacked by Martians is SLIGHTLY less than their chance of being nuked by Saddam Hussein.
I'm well prepared in any case... I've got my duct tape, my Slim Whitman tapes...
And a measuring tape... to see how well your "starving in a cellar" diet is working?
...yodel-aiidee-yodel-aiidee-hooo...
Foolish humans...duct tape won't help you! Aaaaiiiiiiiiiiii....

 

by pita
5-20-03
What Mom really means...
Oh, good, you're home... I'm making dinner, now go wash up.
when she's cooking Spam...
I'm STARVING, mom... I want to get a snack first
No snacking, it'll ruin your dinner.
interpreted by an adolescent...
...in other words, if you eat what you really want now you won't be hungry enough to eat the slop I'm hoping you'll eat...

 

by pita
6-30-03
...Plan ahead to have a delicious dinner ready for him...Most men are hungry when they come home and you want to show concern for his needs...Prepare yourself! Touch up your makeup, fix your hair...
Ladies, we can do this! He has just been with work-weary people all day. Be gay! Be understanding...help lift his mood, be funny...he's had a long, boring day...Greet him with a big smile!
Clear away clutter, gather school books, papers, toys, etc. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order! Prepare the children. Wash their hands & faces, change their clothes...
Make him comfortable, Hand him a cool drink. Take his shoes off and give him a foot massage...speak in a low, soothing voice while he relaxes and unwinds...Keep the children as quiet as possible...
Listen to him. You may want to talk, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first. Make the evening his. Try to make your home a place of peace and order where he feels refreshed!
Don't greet him with your problems, or complain if he's late for dinner, or if he never takes you anywhere...Try to understand his world is full of strain and pressure. He needs to relax at home!
'K, I think I can do this...

 

by pita
7-05-03
We have beautiful wheat fields here in Australia, and take a look at our herd of cattle over there!
Boy, our wheatfields in Texas are huge, and our longhorns are twice as big as your cows!
What in Sam Hill...???
What'sa matter, boy, don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?

 

by pita
7-20-03
Oh, man, did I have a hangover this morning...I did NOT want to live.
I woke up feeling so bad I tried to kill myself by taking a whole bottle of aspirin.
You seem to be doing well now... what happened?
After the first two aspirin, I felt better.

 

by pita
8-12-03
Remember... thou art a TECHIE, so much like a god...fast, quiet, efficient, moving softly behind the scenes.
Born to walk the dark places of the stage, lithe, never stumbling, and knowing the secret ways of thy equipment...
To thine own hands it is given to mold the dreams and thoughts of those that listen, and to make the Stage a separate place and time.
Seek not, as do the performers, to go forth in light upon the stage, for though they strut and play and put on airs, their sound does truly depend on thy works.
Remember, thou art but concerned with others, as the benefactor of thy trade. Thou givest thy power, yet never take credit.
Remember that thou art a team, for thou shalt party together!

 

by pita
8-12-03
Oh, can we do that scene change again please? ... And it looks as though there might be time for a third dress rehearsal.
I think we can fit a few more lanterns over here......No, I wasn't thinking of using that amp as a boat anchor!
The Bartender Olympics? It's my favourite day! .... You want a live elephant on stage in what scene?

 

by pita
8-12-03
Anything I can do to help out there?
Hey, man, this equipment is far more complicated than we need!
Oh, we're on? We've been ready for hours!
No, no, it's O.K... I'm sure that's our job.
Your attention to safety is greatly appreciated!
Man, you look tired.... why don't you take a break?

 

by pita
8-12-03
Of course the stack is leaning, you set the fucking thing right on my foot!
Well, let's see... I have a safety chain and a wingnut left over. Anyone see a problem here?
It only takes one electrician to change a lamp, damn-it! Go get the glass hammer and rubber nails.
Listen, sonny boy...ever heard of castors? They're little round things that make moving heavy equipment really easy.
Touch that again, and I'll hang you by your balls from the highest point on the grid.
Go stand under that sandbag for a minute. Wait, first I want you to pack test this screwdriver.

 

by pita
8-12-03
This board is a genuine, honest-to-God, bona-fide real life copy of a piece of shit... Coke spilled all over my lighting desk...
Holy gaffer tape, sacred roll of gaffa...
I've been forced to hear offensive vocalizations, screeching feedback and faulty transmissions all damn day.
Pure gaffa, thy stickiness comforts me.
Is this fiasco over yet? Hey, I think the dimmer pack is on fire.

 

by pita
8-18-03
..... 2000 B.C. .................. 1000 A.D. .....
Here, eat this root. You'll feel much better.
That root is heathen. Say this prayer.
...... 1850 A.D. ................. 1940 A.D. .....
That prayer is superstition. Drink this potion.
That potion is snake oil. Swallow this pill.
..... 1985 A.D. .................. 2000 A.D. .....
That pill is ineffective. Take this antibiotic.
That antibiotic is artificial. Here, take this root and this herb and you'll feel much better.

 

by pita
8-27-03
Taffy the dog, having undergone further modification to her formerly proliferate uterus, licked her wounds,
pondered the significance of life itself and of short-person behaviour in mind-exhausting, pedal-depressed, pan-chromatic resonance,
then caught sight of her owner and master and said....
ARF

 

by pita
9-01-03
Well, judging by your exam and pap smear, everything seems fine.
But I'm still worried... when I go to the bathroom I hear 'plink-plink' sounds. I looked in the toilet a few days ago and there were pennies!
Then yesterday, when I went to the bathroom, there were nickels... and this morning there were dimes!
Oh, that's nothing to worry over... you're just going through the change.

 

by pita
9-06-03
Satan and Jesus kept arguing over who was more proficient on his computer.... so a contest ensued....
Alright, I've done spreadsheets, faxed reports, sent e-mail...
There, I'll show him... I've downloaded, photoshopped, surfed the net...
Then there was a horrible lightning storm, and the power went out... leaving Satan bitterly angry...
Oh NO!!! It's GONE!!! I lost EVERYTHING when the power went off!!!
Jesus, however, remained calm as he printed out all the files he'd been working on all day.
NO WAY!!! You CHEATED!!! How did you manage to do that???
It's simple.... JESUS SAVES.

 

by pita
9-06-03
This woman committed adultery, for which, according to the scriptures, she should be stoned to death...
Wait!!! Let he who is without sin cast the first stone!!!
Aw, C'mon, Dad..., I'm trying to make a point here!

 

by pita
9-09-03
Hey, Mick, it's a good thing we have that defibrillator backstage... looks like Keith's in trouble, man!
Shit! Everybody clear?
Oops... I guess not....
I'm gettin' the hell out of here before that Ozzie character shows up again!

 

by pita
9-14-03
Damn, I should have planned to spend more time in Tokyo! This place is fascinating!
Let's see... I should get something to eat. I wish Bec could be here to see this place!
Sucky sucky, 585.299 Yen.

 

by pita
9-18-03
Best sucky sucky you evah have, fi dollah.
Why, you little tramp! That was my husband you tried to pick up!
I picked a fine time to visit the Eastern States.
Take cover, James!

 

by pita
9-28-03
According to Kansas Laws, rabbits may not be shot from motorboats....
Let's see what kind of trouble I can get into...
No one may catch fish with his bare hands... And mules may not be used to hunt ducks.
The laws here don't say anything about kangaroos, though!

 

by pita
10-08-03
Hey, wanna hear a joke I heard?
Alright
Why did the dwarf cross the road?
Hmmn...
To get a good running jump into the motel bed... One, Two, Three, HUH!!!

 

by pita
10-09-03
Hey, wanna hear a joke I heard?
Alright
Why did the dwarf cross the road?
Hmmn...
Oh, and I forgot to tell you, he was a fortuneteller who had just escaped from jail.
So... to be politically correct, he was a small medium at large.

 

by pita
10-10-03
I just came from an appointment with Edgar Cayce... good things are coming my way.
Edgar Cayce?
He's a medium, you've seen him on television, haven't you?
Oh yeah, I know who he is now...
Although I'd have to say he's no medium, he's more like an extra, extra large.

 

by pita
10-13-03
A stray cat! I will pet it.
One pat later..
Ah! I am in fact a fairy. And since you have rubbed me, I shall grant you one wish!
I wish I never had to deal with a single toothache again.
I'm the nerve-ending fairy. I take over from here... you see, we've discovered evidence of tooth extraction fraud in your past...

 

by pita
10-23-03
Emma, I was sitting on the park bench and that man stood in front of me and flashed me, he's naked under that trenchcoat!
He did the same thing to me!
I'm tellin' you, I almost had a stroke!
I almost had a stroke too, but I reached out too late, he left so fast!

 

by pita
11-29-03
He finally proposed...so they discussed the important things - finances, housing, etc....
Emma, dear, this is a rather delicate question... uh... how do you feel about sex?
Well...in all honesty, I'd like it infrequently.
Infrequently...
Is that one word, or two words?

 

by pita
12-25-03
Ohhh... WISE GUY, eh???

 

by pita
12-31-03
Look, asiangirl.... you and me, we best buddies...
you laugh, I laugh... you cry, I cry... you love, I love, you hurt, I hurt...
you jump offa bridge, I gonna miss your dumb ass...

 

by pita
1-02-04
Hey, I can't help the way I think...I'm always looking for that third angle, or even a fourth...
It figures...
You Mensa people, you're all alike...
Seven or eight quick ones and... you're off with the boys... *sigh*...to boast and brag...

 

by pita
1-22-04
And do you, snowman, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?
I do
I do
This is never gonna last...neither one of them can take the heat.

 

by pita
3-08-04
It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other...
For example, husbands, can you name your wife's favourite flower?
It's Pillsbury, isn't it dear?

 

by pita
3-11-04
At the Pima County Courthouse...
You mean to say, then, that Ms. Ross actually only spent 47 hours in jail, and because the order didn't state it had to be consecutive hours...
Well, naw boy, she WAS an hour short...
But isn't there something in the constitution about being tried twice for the same crime? Wouldn't that apply here?
Shush naw, this sho' nuff ain't tuff as Texas.
But the judge in Connecticut said she served her...
Look, all we have heyuh, is a failyuh to communicate.

 

by pita
3-19-04
Man, I am so tired of rude people asking me when I'm having this baby, making fun of my weight.
You should try my special diet...
Slim-fast with a shot of Jim Beam twice a day, then a sensible meal early in the evening.
Hey, it works for me... I call it the "Slim-Jim Diet"

 

by pita
3-19-04
This next song is about Love...
That special kind of love between a man, his soon-to-be ex-wife...
Their demonic children, her attorney, and the Internal Revenue Service...

 

by pita
3-19-04
Meet the Lemming Family...
Oooops...
Never mind.

 

by pita
6-09-04
You did a great job on your room, honey. I'll vacuum it later, but for now let's go make that cake I promised.
Mommy, how come when you mix water and flour together you get glue... then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake?
Hmmmm...
I mean, where does the glue go?
Oh, ummmm, well.... that's what makes the cake stick to our butts!

 

by pita
6-14-04
Mr. Wiz, I wonder if you can help me get rid of a bad spell that was put on me years ago
I might be able to, but I need the exact words that were said for the incantation
Hmmmmm....
I remember now... it was "I now pronounce you man and wife"

 

by pita
7-19-04
And God said unto Adam...
Adam, I want you to go into that cave over there...Eve is waiting for you. Reproduce, become many, and fill the earth.
How do I do that?
So God explained it thoroughly, and Adam went on into the cave...
You've only been gone a few minutes... what's wrong?
What's a headache?

 

by pita
7-19-04
Adam, where the hell have you been? You're seeing other women, aren't you?
Eve, you're being unreasonable. You're the only woman on earth.
I know you're running around with other women, you've been out late so many nights!
OW!!! Hey! Quit poking me! What are you doing?
Counting your ribs!

 

by pita
7-23-04
Here we go again...
Cain! Abel! I'm sick of you two fighting!
Cain! Get off your brother! I swear, you're going to kill him some day!

 

by pita
7-23-04
Noah! NO, you cannot keep them! I told you to quit bringing home strays!

 

by pita
7-23-04
Judas! Come here this instant!
Yes, ma'am.
I know I had a denarius in my purse!
Were you anywhere near my purse?
No, ma'am.

 

by pita
7-23-04
Abraham! Quit wandering around the countryside and get home for supper!

 

by pita
7-23-04
Shadrach! Meshach! Abednego! Get undressed in the laundry room! Your clothes smell like a dirty furnace!

 

by pita
7-23-04
Lot! We bought you a huge sandbox and here you are building salt mountains again!

 

by pita
7-23-04
David! I told you not to play in the house with that sling! Go practice your harp. We pay good money for those lessons!

 

by pita
7-24-04
I don't know what I'm going to do with that boy...he talks to fire, for goodness sake. We'll have to get therapy when he imagines it talking back!
...as I was saying...

Showing page 4.

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