All comics by ragu4u

 

by ragu4u
9-21-08
Gee babe, why no sex again last night?
Actually, I find that facial stubble a turn off.
Well then, find your lovin somewhere else..........if you can.
Gee babe, why no sex again last night?
Actually, I find that filthy cigarette a turn off.

 

Hey God...What came first, the chicken or....
Ah, shad ap already!
by ragu4u, 9-21-08

 

by ragu4u
9-21-08
As you see Mr Chen, we have a few forms for you to fill out before seeing the doctor.
A few?
Buck up. You should have seen it before Congress passed "The Paperwork Reduction Act."
I think I'll stay sick.

 

by ragu4u
9-21-08
Hey sis, you need to cover up. The U.V. rays will kill ya.
Oh that's nothing but a paranoid wives tale.
Think so? Well just look at the surfer out there hanging 10 on that wave. He's only been surfing for a few years.
Oh my. He does seem a wee bit on the gaunt side.
Let's go surfin now. Everybody's learnin how. Come on a surf safari with me.

 

by ragu4u
9-22-08
I'm sure YOU must be with the "Lost & Found", correct?
Wow, a walking buffet.
I seem to have missplaced....
Hey, finders keepers skinny.

 

by ragu4u
9-22-08
Lab workers pay the office a visit to perform random drug testing.
Mr. Moore, go into that rest room and give me a urine specimen.
Damn, I hope all that weed I smoked during the Christmas Party won't show up.
Hey Fred, can you give me a quick sample of piss? They're testing out in the office and you know how wasted I got .
Oh darn, I just took a leak but maybe I still can help.
Mr. Moore, the doctor said for you to produce another sample...and it had better not be another cup of egg nog.
What's with the "Bah Humbug" attitude around here?

 

by ragu4u
9-23-08
Bwak. Polly wanna qwacker...Polly wanna qwacker.
An odd request but I'll grant it.
You ain't no qwacker. I'm hungry. Polly wanna QWACKER!!
I'm no qwacker, I'm a Quaker. So how's about a nice hot bowl of oatmeal?
C'mon, try some. I'll make the original kind. None of that "instant" stuff for you.
Note to self..."Fire the fairy".

 

by ragu4u
9-23-08
Well dad, I should get out in a week. I'm so nervous.
Yeah son, it will take some getting used to.
I don't know pop. I been in the joint so long I may not be able to adjust on the outside. I'm starting to freak out a little.
We'll take it one day at a time, boy.
Six Months Later
Oh no son, another refusal to take you back.
I couldn't take it any longer, dad. I just had to go back in the can.

 

by ragu4u
9-24-08
Hey, old lady.....w'sup?
My oh my. You do seem a bit old to be following the trail of candy to my house.
Trail of candy? It be dat Gucci handbag I'm scopin out...Fashizzle.
Let me invite you inside for tea and cakes.
Dis gonna be like takin candy from a old lady.
OK, sucka. Take two steps closer to that oven and I'll be eatin dark meat for a month.

 

How about a nice sponge soaked in sour wine?
Ho boy, there went her chances!
by ragu4u, 9-24-08

 

by ragu4u
9-24-08
Ya know Gabe, for a buck, I'd kick your ass?
Yeah.....I seriously doubt that.
I'd do it right now but I know you're broke.
You forgot. Today is payday.
These "all mouth" types are a pain in the neck.

 

by ragu4u
9-24-08
Well, we have been here for close to 4 hours and have answered the over 100 questions on this list, folks.
I say this would be a perfect time to close the meeting.
So if there are no futher questions, I declare this meeting "clo...
It appears that the mob has spoken! "Meeting is Closed!"
ugh

 

Can't Touch This
STOP!!!
It's "Hammer Time"
by ragu4u, 9-24-08

 

by ragu4u
9-24-08
Oh no. I think a fuse is sticking out of his beard? I gotta get a cop.
I admire my countrymen at 9/11. I too will work for the same goals as they.
Officer, that crazy Muslim radical took off that way rambling about 9/11 and doing a good job like his countrymen.
Don't worry son I'll be finding That "9/11" lover and kick some "payback" ass.
So sorry officer. I was meaning to say that I proud of my countrymen at 7/11...home of Big Gulp and Super Chili Cheese Dogs.
No hard feelins, eh Muhammed? Heck I'll even hook ya up with a couple 72 yr. old virgins. That's how you guys get yer freak on, right?

 

by ragu4u
9-25-08
C'mon ya big pansy. You'll never make it to the big leagues unless you throw the damn ball like ya mean it.
Oh shit. Now that might just be a career ender.

 

Turn around & put your hands on the vehichle. You're under arrest for D.W.I.
I beg yer pardoni, ossifer, but I am NOT under the affluence of incohol.
by ragu4u, 9-25-08

 

by ragu4u
9-25-08
Hey dude, why are you ALAWAYS smiling like an idiot?
I'm into my job & because my owner wants me to put on a happy face...
...and the fact that he's a gynocologist doesn't hurt, either.
No wonder they call you "Stinky".

 

"Stay,stay,stay stay....stayin ALIVE, stayin ALIVE!"
I always thought Disco was dead but THIS proves it!
by ragu4u, 9-25-08

 

Oh no, my parents were right! Living on earth will be too much for him.
Mommy I wet my pants again!
by ragu4u, 9-25-08

 

by ragu4u
9-26-08
That small bit of hair dye just screams.."The new, younger John McCain", Senator!
I sure hope I look groovy enough to the under 30 crowd.
GOP.............................................DEM
ixnay on the oovy gray, Senator. That went out ages ago.
That small bit of hair dye & beard just screams..."The more mature Barack Obama", Senator.
I sure hope this makes me look "Fly" enough to the over 50 crowd.
Chill with the "fly" talk, Senator. The only flies WE know zip up & down.

 

by ragu4u
9-26-08
At The Pentagon.....In Crawford, Texas
Mr. President, Osama Bin Ladin has been positively located by our spy in the mouth of a cave in Jackoffistan. We await you order, sir.
Why thank you soldier. Order me up a large pepperoni pizza, and some coke. The drinking kind..hehe, and send it to the ranch.
Meanwhile in Jackoffistan....
Abdul, my friend, we are safe in this location to be sure.
Safe? If he only knew that I'm about to pop a cap in his ass. Now why is the kill order taking so damn long...?
The Pentagon.........In Crawford, Texas
No sir. I mean the "KILL" order. Do we have the "KILL" order sir?
Oh, the kill order. Well SURE, if I can't eat all the pizza the soldier boys down here can kill what's left.

 

by ragu4u
9-27-08
Oh no! Paul Neuman just died.
Paul who?
Neuman. Neuman, I said. He deserves a tribute. Meet me in the kitchen with 50 hard boiled eggs.
????
I don't see the need for 50 hard boiled eggs. You gotta be nuts!
What we have here is..."failure to communicate".

 

by ragu4u
9-27-08
Why won't you two Senators direct your replies to each other and not to me?
Yeah, good question Jim.
Well Jim, It's because John just looks so darn old and feeble I thought he'd collapse mid-debate.
Ooh, a nice LEFT hook....but will John have a comeback?
I just couldn't look at Barack without feeling bad, Jim. I forgot to tip the shoe shine boy at the airport & it's bugged me ever since.
Oh, oh. That did it. Once again McCain crashes & burns in enemy territory.

 

by ragu4u
9-27-08
I understand that today, Zhai Zhigang, was the 1st Chinese man to walk in space.
You know how that will wind up, don't you?
It'll be like eating Chinese food, right?
Yeah. He'll get his fill of space walking in early, only to get the craving to do it again in an hour.

 

by ragu4u
9-27-08
Bad boy, bad boys....whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when they come for you?
I'd lead them to a dark alley and then...
Ow, ugh, &*^$%
There's nothing like a first hand demonstration, eh?
Sorry I asked?

 

by ragu4u
9-27-08
Gee fairy, nobody believes in me anymore. I want to be REAL to people. Can you do that?
Hey, no problemo, Kringle!
"Sweet"
Whoa...now THIS sucks!
Yo, I just be keepin it REAL, bro.

 

by ragu4u
9-28-08
Would you believe, I'm air drying my sheet and pillow case? They just smell so much fresher this way!
So I guess the naked guy hanging from that tree limb just got a bath & is air drying too?
Oh, him! Wow. It was dark when I got here. I thought he was a sleeping possum.
Please remove the hood, sir. I want to see what "really stupid" looks like.

 

by ragu4u
9-28-08
In The Baptist Church Sanctuary
Hello, I'm Sister Veronica from the Catholic Church across town.
I'm Pastor Chuck...and how may I help you?
I see you have many more people here than at our church. You MUST have some secret. Please share it.
Well yes. We have made a radical change in our Sunday School procedure prior to the service. Follow me.
In The Sunday School Classroom
We find that offering to get the crowd slightly wasted before church makes them easier to keep here.
Brilliant idea. The Priest is the only drinker during our services...I think.

 

by ragu4u
9-28-08
So now I'm dead and you're supposed to be the "god" guy, huh? Big whoop.
Listen up.
Hmm?
I seem to recall you saying..."It'll be a cold day in hell before I believe in God." Well......
I hate it when God does this shit. For a day, my hair & horns go all frosty & crap.
What happens if I click my ruby slippers & say..."There's no place like home."?

 

Hey Mister. Is that the "Marine 1" helicopter, with our president onboard, about to cwash?
I certainly do hope so.!
by ragu4u, 9-28-08

 

by ragu4u
9-28-08
You could have been more sensitive about your choice of food for dinner.
Quit you bitching you blind date, internet hook-up boy.
Her dates anger builds.
Grrrrrrr!
I no let this delicious squid entre go to waste. Yum yum, eat em up!
Anger subsides with a full belly.
Your young lady showed great taste in selecting our dining establishment.
(Chomp, slurp, belch, gulp.) Oh yeah, she has good taste, alright. Yum. (belch)

 

by ragu4u
9-28-08
Yo bitch! Allow me to intoduce myself. They call me Superfly.
Oh yeah. Then who's that behind ya?
I beg to differ sir, for I am the real superfly around here.
Whoa, damn straight! Bartender, get my friend here 5 lbs. of sugar and a glass of water, on me.
And Mr. Superfly, the bitch is all yours.

 

What a sweet old lady!
If that lousy owl takes a dump on me he'll wind up stuffed in my den.
by ragu4u, 9-28-08

 

Now I just wait behind a rock till dark.
by ragu4u, 9-29-08

 

by ragu4u
9-29-08
My dads letter goes on to say..."If you ever come near my child again I will personally tear off your...
Wait my son. Another young guest has arrived.
Hi ya, Father.
Why hello, my firm little friend. How would you like to learn to play "Hide the salami with me & my other friend?"
Hide the Salami? I don't think we should play, father. It sounds goofy.
Oh fiddle-stix. You can start by reaching into my pockets. You may get lucky and grab the big salami. The winner gets to eat it. What fun, eh?

 

by ragu4u
9-30-08
The Morning After The Market Fell 778 Points.
What do you think about the absolute craziness in the markets yesterday, Bruce?
I wasn't surprised. I knew it would happen the very moment.....
?
...Kroger came out with the "Double Your Coupon" special in their produce department.
Do you have ANY clue what I'm......
Oh yeah, sweetie. It was such a madhouse, I was grabbing bananas right & left. It was thrilling.

 

by ragu4u
9-30-08
R. Kelie is so fine with me...He likes his girls on bended knee.
When I'm down there I'm at belt height, and belt height's where the job's done right!
When ya lick it from the tip to the very bottom, that's when ya know that you've really got him.
Then ya mount it from the left....
...or ya mount it from the right
Then ya stand up, sit down and bounce all night. Yeaaaa, Kelie!

 

by ragu4u
9-30-08
The White House...3am
Oh Barak, honey! The "Diplomatic Emergency" phone is ringing. You wanna answer it?
Damn Michelle! Can't a brother take a dump in peace? Tell them I'll call back after I pinch off this big ole loaf in here.
I'll take care of it, sweet cheeks.
After Michelle Hangs Up....
Take yo time, darlin. It was just some guy who said he was pootin. Well I told him YOU was pootin AND crapping so HE"D just have to wait. Damned if the fool didn't go and hang up on me!

 

by ragu4u
9-30-08
Ah...to be alone in nature. Peace, quiet and tranquility. No hustle, no bustle. No crazy kid music or screaming and...
...especially none of those "paintball" morons.
So why this sudden feeling of dread?

 

by ragu4u
10-01-08
John McCain speaking with a close confidant just before the VP debate.
I knew it would be rough tonight for Sarah when I asked her how she felt about the idea of debate.
Why Senator?
She responded ..."The bait is usually most effective when cut into larger pieces and set out on 80 lb. test line.
I see your concern.

 

by ragu4u
10-01-08
Me try prune juice and bran cereal but they no work!
I'll say. It took two saw blades to cut through that butt baby you just gave birth to.
So, you no want Butch to call you if log jam happen again?
If this happens again call the military and tell them to bring c-4...lots of c-4.
Why THEY want to see for?
No Butch, not "see for".... "c-4". On second thought, just don't use the bathroom here anymore.

 

by ragu4u
10-01-08
Psst, psst psst & pssst & pssst......
Oh you baaad boy. Mmm, You are sooo kinky.
Now I'll give you a few minutes to get ready & then I'll join you, OK? You won't back out?
No way! I love this spontaneous, fringe, far out stuff.
In the restroom a few moments later....
Now this isn't what I meant when I told her I wanted her to give me head on the toilet seat!

 

by ragu4u
10-02-08
Excuse me over there! I'm in the market for some new luggage.
We sell clothing here, not luggage.
I beg to differ. Show me a nice Polka-Dot shirt.
Ok but I can't see how a shirt will do you any good.
There, perfect for a chicken on the go! Light weight and stylish.
Why didn't he say he was looking for a carry-on bag?

 

by ragu4u
10-02-08
Master Reggie, your brunch is ready.
I refuse to eat that culinary garbage. Feed it to that dim-witted kid you spawned.
Oh my dear. If the Lord & Lady only knew Master Reggie spoke to people this way.
After the little dummie eats, tell him to play catch with me outside, chop chop!
Too bad you no catch knife so good, Reggie. NOW, try catch THIS...chop, chop!
Fatha, mutha...save me. The cooks demon seed is throwing daggars & axes at your sweet and innocent heir.

 

by ragu4u
10-02-08
Why so glum, dude?
I used to make 6 figures at GM. Now look at me. I'm a nickle and dime counter man.
Hold your head up, man. Things are bound to get better. Be optomistic.
Yeah! You're right. The glass IS half full.
But before all that optomism kicks in I have to tell you..."this is a stick up"!
Clean Up! Shattered glass in aisle one. Bring a mop.

 

by ragu4u
10-03-08
Here we are at the VP debate in St.Louis with Andrea Mitchell. I'm Chris Mathews, now let's play "HARDBALL"! Andrea, your thoughts.
Well Chris, I hope the lady Eskimo has her muck lucks pulled up tight because the enlightened and intellectual Senator Biden is ready to go on a "Hockey Mom" hunt.
Do you suppose the immensly more intelligent and qualified Senator will be less aggressive with Ms. Palin, allowing her to look less unqualified, if that's even possible?
Chris, I believe Mr. Biden will have rather brief observations, thereby letting Ms. Palins' rank stupidity and cutsey hominess gush all over the hearts and minds of her dim-witted base.
Right you are Andrea. As Tip O'Neil always used to tell me back in the day, "If you've got a rocky field to plow, give me a mule eared black man over a fishy smelling hockey mom, anyday!"
Well said, Chris. Now the debate will begin soon. So prepare to hear lies, attacks, vicious rumor & gossip. But also be thankful, because Joe Biden will get his turn to speak as well.

 

by ragu4u
10-03-08
01/21/2009
It says, "Thank you America for electing Barack Obama." Signed The Aiatolla & Ackmadinijad!
Hmm.
01/21/2009
?
?
01/21/2009
Cover your head
Well, this is definitely "CHANGE" alright.

 

by ragu4u
10-03-08
Pledge your loyalty to me or wreak my wrath!
Oh stop with all that VooDoo, Hoo Doo mumbo jumbo! I don't buy any of it.
Scoff not or feel my vengance befall your every task.
Look, I have a huge job here and your scare tactics are useless on me. If corporate downsizing doesn't scare me, YOU certainly can't.
Downsizing? So you don't fear downsizing, huh?
Well, since you put it like THIS.....

 

by ragu4u
10-04-08
At the hospital...
I hate to say this doc but my husband is one "squirrelly" dude! Maybe the labotomy is needed after all.
I believe you've made the right decision. I'll operate immediately.
before the operation.
Gary, you need this operation to stop all you weird behaviors.
You mean I won't still be able to live in my tree house and run across our roof jumping from tree to tree?
A month later...obviously, some delusions persist.
Let's have em, Gary!
What does he mean he left some nuts still buried inside? Inside where?

 

by ragu4u
10-04-08
Candygram for Mongo. Candygram for Mongo.
Uh...me Mongo!
Sign here please.
Mmmm, Mongo like candy.
Thank you.
Mongo mad!

Showing page 4.

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