All comics by mmyers

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by mmyers
7-08-03
"You've got mail!"
Hey, an email from someone that I don't know. Phil Deming? Hmm. angelwings57 @yahoo.com, that sounds like a reasonable address. Maybe it's an old school chum. That Classmates.com sure is conveinent.
RE: Your MOTHER's Hideous Death!!! hdghgfgrhcbcfac
Ohmygod! The subject is RE: Your mother's hideous death. How horrible! Momma, no! I've got to pull myself together and try to read it. Got to be strong for momma. MOMMA!
"Now you can get all the pharmaceuticals you'll ever need by mail. Prozac, Viagra, Minoxodil, right in the comfort of your home. xxgsgdgcgytehja"
What does this have to do with my mom dying? And what happened at the end there? A seisure?Waitaminute, this was just some hoax to get me to read their spam. Damn you, SPAM, damn you straight to hell!

 

by mmyers
7-08-03
When I'm home alone, I sleep under the bed. My imagination gets away. I think I hear people's footsteps all around me. I'm afraid to turn on the lights because I don't know what will be there.
*click*
*click*
*shudder*

 

by mmyers
7-08-03
Hey all y'all fellow Americans. I was just readin' in the news...oops, I mean the Yahoo home page, that unemployment is at an all time high.
To help boost the economy and give everyone a fair shake at the brass ring, I'd like to offer $25 million to the person who captures Saddam Hussein, dead or alive.
It's like the lottery only better. So get on it America, find Waldo and bring him back dead. Oops, I meant to say Saddam, and dead OR alive.

 

by mmyers
7-08-03
The silly thing about being scared of the dark is that I know it's silly. I know there is nothing there. It's silly, stupid paranoia.
*click*
Oops, I thought this was your laundry room.
One door over.
*click*
Oh...my bad. Forget this ever happened.

 

by mmyers
7-09-03

 

by mmyers
7-10-03
Hey man, did you know that Playstation has started making cars? I just got their Imprezza. It's awesome.
Uh-oh, I think you might have been sold a piece of junk. What did the salesman tell you about the car?
The more millage you put on it, the more features it unlocks. I hit 40,000 today and I now have a fourth speed unlocked on the windshield wipers.
Unlocking features while you're driving? That doesn't sound very safe.
You know, now that you mention it, at 20,000 miles it did start leaking carbon dioxide into the car and I urinated on myself. I thought it was kind of convenient, though.

 

by mmyers
7-10-03
This is a slice of life from my actual day.
Filing clerk, VIP, I need you to photocopy these 300 files of former disgruntled employees for the impending lawsuit that we are just going to settle out of court and throw away anyway.
I'll get right on that. Feel free to leave the file requests on my desk and I'll get on them shortly. There's really no need to follow me around about it. I have a very quick turnaround time.
I just wanted to make it clear to you exactly how important it is to have these files out of storage, copied and back in storage by Friday afternoon. We are trying to create a department synergy here.
The importance of this project is not lost on me. Perhaps it would be better if we continued this conversation in my office as opposed to in the filing room. I would feel more at ease there.
I hate to belabor a point and I'm sure you understand me, but I just like to make sure that we are having an open dialogue, breaking down barriers and creating bridges between... did you fart in here?
Yes, yes I did. I tried to warn you but you wouldn't let it go. This is my place of freedom, where I can file and be myself. When you come in the filing room, you're in my domain.

 

by mmyers
7-11-03
Eric, we need to talk. For the last few months, I've felt us drifting apart and becoming strangers. I can't live with a stranger, Eric. I can't love someone who doesn't know me.
I'd like to have this conversation now, but I can't. A car just went by blaring rap music. I could only hear a little but now I have the words, "Nice n' Greasey" in my head.
I'm serious, Eric. I need you to be serious. We started off with so much love, so much passion, but now it's like we might as well be brother and sister sleeping together. I feel...
Nice n' Greasey?
Eric, please. Ok? Please. Listen to me. Nice n' greasey nice n' greasey nice n' greasey nice n' greasey, nice n' greasey nice n' greasey, Eric. Nice n' greasey nice n' greasey, Eric.
Exactly.

 

by mmyers
7-11-03
Wuz up, playa? You know, hiphop style and fashion is all up in this culture now. It's not just music, it's fashion, yo, it's cars, yo, it's the way people talk, yo.
Well, I've got an untapped market. Hiphop food, biznitch! New from Kraft, Mackin' Cheese. It comes in blingbling shapes: rings, teeth, guns, all that shit.
Finally, the macaroni for real G's. It's the cheesiest, playa. Check out what my man says about it.
Nice n' greasey.

 

by mmyers
7-14-03
The copier is saying that the toner is low. What do we do when that happens?
There's a toner container right beside it, and we empty it into the toner compartment.
Well, I've had to replace the toner a million times so I'm not going to do it now.
I won't begin to ask how you've replaced the toner a million times but have no idea how it's done. Are you telling me to do it?
That's the long and short of it, yes.
This comic strip could have been one panel if you just came right out and said that.

 

by mmyers
7-14-03
What do we do when there are boxes...
I'll do it. Whatever it is, I do it.
See how easy that was? I just went ahead and accepted that you were going to pass it off to me. Done. That leaves the last panel open for whatever I want.
MONKEYS! ON THE MOON!

 

by mmyers
7-15-03
Oh man, a pink donkey. I'm so stoned, man.
And I talk too. And I have a lot of things to talk to you about, Brandon.
Ow crap, man, I've burned out way too many brain cells to try and be having serious converations with a donkey.
Actually, a new study shows that marijuana is not harmful to brain cells.
What's wrong with me, then?
Nothing a 4-6 year stint in the Army wouldn't cure.

 

by mmyers
7-16-03
OK, guys, this meeting is to inform you that I'm the new CEO, CFO, VP of IT, and President in charge of recruitment. Also, I'm the owner.
I've got some big plans in store for the company. I want to make some changes. Some good, some bad, but all will benefit the company.
Are we getting fired?
This meeting isn't about firing people. Besides, I'd rather talk for a little bit, build some suspense, make you sweat, then tell you who I'm going to fire.

 

by mmyers
7-16-03
The really big thing I'm going to implement is the awards program will be disbanded.
Doesn't 'implement' and 'disband' mean two different things? You can't implement a disbanding, can you?
Of course not. You're fired. The actual awards program will remain in place, but the name will be changed. I feel like "Simply the best" Award is too dated. And who listens to Tina Turner anymore?
I do.
Of course you do. That's because you're fired. I wanted to change the name to "Chopping away at excellence" or "Excellence or death." I can't decide which.
How about the "She's got legs" award, or the "We don't need another hero" award? or the...I'm fired, aren't I?

 

by mmyers
7-17-03
Welcome back from recess class. What lesson was I teaching before the bell?
Don't run with scissors.
Unless?
They're pointed at someone else.
Very good! You can pick from the box of fingers.

 

by mmyers
7-17-03
?????
Me want have food.
Me want to have shelter.
I would like to have a mate.
I would like to be a great leader of men.
I wanna blow it all up and start over again. Yee-haw!

 

by mmyers
7-17-03
What else can Mr. Butch teach you kids? Hmm. OK, what happens if you are arrested for drinking and driving, children? What happens to those people?
They go to jail?
Of course not. You take the keys out of the ignition as the cop is pulling you over, then you throw them out of the window. Then, once it goes to trial, there will be no proof you were driving.
As Mr.Butch's attorney, I would like to have all of Mr. Butch's statements stricken from your little minds. He made those comments under duress.
Reach one, teach one, Mr. Wagner; Help the brother man and the other man.

 

by mmyers
7-18-03
Hey, cowboy, get off your ass. Those patties aren't going to grill themselves.
I quit.
What the fuck are you talking about?

 

by mmyers
7-18-03
25 years later at the Rotor Turbine factory...
I finished cleaning up the bathroom. What else do you need me to do?
Well, them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves! Boo-yah!
What the fuck are you talking about?
25 years, baby, for 25 years I've been waiting to get you with that. Burned!
What the fuck are you talking about?
No, no, what the fuck are YOU talking about? Ha-HA!

 

by mmyers
7-18-03
When stripcreator goes down, an angel loses his wings.
True.
NNNOOOOOOO! Damn you, Brad, and damn your shitty seEERRRVVVVEERRR!
C'est la vie.

 

by mmyers
7-21-03
Momma always said that life is like a packet of hot dogs. You never know what you're going to get.
Well, except for 1 or more kinds of raw skeletal muscle from live stock, beef tripe, pork brains, partially defatted cooked beef fatty tissue, beef hearts, rat droppings...
Squirrels. *burp*

 

by mmyers
7-22-03
We don't talk enough, Scot. What would you like to talk about?
I'd like to know more about you, Mike. Got any advice for a kid turning 15 next week?
Advice? Let's see. Ok, when you're going out drinking, take a sinus pill before you go to sleep and you won't have a hangover.
Doesn't it seem kind of pathetic to have a plan set out for not getting a hangover?
Sure, but eventually you get sick of hanging your head over the toilet and saying you won't drink again. Eventually, you admit you are and you try to find ways around it.
Getting older is sad.

 

by mmyers
7-22-03
You got any other advice for me, Mike?
Well, I'm not advocating drug use in any way, but when I was a kid, they used to try and scare us with talk about 'acid flashbacks'.
Right, the LSD detaching from your spine and causing short acid trips.
Sure. Well that's all bullshit, man. In fact, I wish I'd have flashbacks because it's be a shitload cheaper than buying more acid.
Seems weird that they'd say something like that, you know, without any kind of foundation.
Hey man, they look it like "fear, not information", you know? Hey, let's take a short cut through this blackhole, dig?

 

by mmyers
7-23-03
Another thing, Scot, and I'm not endorsing cheating on your spouse, by any means, but one day, you might accidently cheat on your spouse or loved one.
Now when this happens, you might come home smelling like sex and you won't be able to take a shower. Now the best way to cover is fill up your tank with gas,
And as you're filling it, spill some on yourself. The smell will be so strong that it will cover up any residual after sex smell.
You know that you're marrying my mom, right?

 

by mmyers
7-23-03
Today, getting dressed in the dark, I found two of the same brown socks. It really gets you choked up, you know? That two socks could find each other in this mixed up sock drawer called life.
*sniff* *sniff* Stumbling and bumbling around with all those other socks and they reached out in the darkness and came together. It's beautiful, really.
I've been watching a lot of Lifetime movies lately.

 

by mmyers
7-23-03
We're talkin' with Todd whose wife says takes her for granted and he says she yells at him all the time. Now Todd, are you stupped? 'Cause I think you are.
Wow, Dr. Phil just reminded me of something I had to do. I'll be back in a minute, honey.
What was I going to do with this hammer and nails? Why did I come in this room? Oh yeah...
That's better. By placing a nail into the part of my brain that differentiates pleasure and pain, I am now I'm ready to watch Dr. Phil.

 

by mmyers
7-23-03
Hello, this is James Tetley with Inside the Rapper's Studio. We're here with master rapper, Snoop Doggy Dog.
It's a pleasur-izill my swizel stick, James Tetley.
Snoop Dog, I'm going to jump right into the questions. I've been a long time fan, collecting and playing all your records over and over. My question is, what is the 'chronic'?
For shizzel, my nizzel, the bubonic chronic is a hunk, no better yet a chunk of that funk that have yo' ass straight trippin', divin' and dippin' and giving punks a wippin'.

 

by mmyers
7-23-03
Does anyone speak "Doggy Dog"? I can't understand a damn word out of this guy.
The chronic, man, the chronic. Buddha, indo, weed, a fatty, a joint, that sticky stuff, maryjane, grass, ganja, hay, Acapulco gold, hydro, stick...you know, man .... pot.
Ohhhhh, pot. Of course. Now what do you do with this 'pot'?

 

by mmyers
7-23-03
Now Snoop, in your song "Pussy sells" you say, "Oohh She got the bomb, My bitch got some bomb ass pussy, Oohh She got the bomb, You want the honey nigga I want the money."
What do those lines mean to you?
Basically, that every man is a prostitute to something, whether it be money or fame or to his God, and that only when we accept our own limitations can you get what you want. Also, pimpin' ain't easy.

 

by mmyers
7-23-03
It doesn't matter
If it's a fake bodied J-Lo
As long as she's nude.

 

by mmyers
7-24-03
At the mall.
I just saw a girl out in the parking lot who had a Spiderman tag on the front of her car. To top it off, she had a Spidey steering wheel cover. I'm in love. I'm going to ask her to marry me, I think.
You're so shallow. So a girl has a SpiderMan tag, so what. Anyone can go out and buy some cheap tag for their car. Maybe you should look a little deeper than what's on the surface and superficial.
Yeah. Maybe you're right.
I have a SpiderMan Pez dispenser on my dresser table.

 

by mmyers
7-24-03
Snoop Dog, you have been a delight. This is the part of the show where I ask you the questions from Bouillon de Culture by Bernard Pivot.
Damn, foo', kick that shit, James Tetley.
What is your favorite word?
Um, I guess I'd have to say "Fuck."
And your least favorite word?
Um, "stop fucking." That's two words, I guess. Maybe 'non-fucking' then.

 

by mmyers
7-25-03
Boy, I can't wait.
What are you waiting on?
The last Star Wars movie to come out. I'm buying my tickets now. I've purposely been waiting and not watching the trilogy lately or the new ones so I can watch them all in one big 14 hour chunk.
So you haven't watched the two new movies at all yet?
Nope. This is my plan: I watch the first 2 on DVD, the 3rd at the movies, and run home and watch the originals on video. I've waited my whole life for this. Why, what's wrong with the new ones?
Maybe we should go to the Food Court and sit down.

 

by mmyers
7-25-03
My son, I don't think you have a good relationship with God. Do you ever think about God, my son? Do you ever talk to God?
Sure I do. All the time.
And what do you say to God?
I say, "God, that comic strip was terrible" or "Good God, look at her butt" or "God, I will never drink again if I stop throwing up." We have a great relationship.
Yeah, I thought it was funny, too, but he just looked at me, all like 'I'm judging you'.
I liked the one comic you did where Jesus was waiting in the car. Classic.

 

by mmyers
7-25-03
Aw, damn it.
What's the problem, young fella?
I keep trying to put the paper toilet seat cover on the seat and it keeps falling in the water before I can sit down.
That's why I put toilet paper around the seat and then wipe with the toilet seat cover, instead. It just makes good horse sense.
I just remembered that I have a strict "No taking to other dudes in the bathroom" policy. If you could excuse yourself from my stall, please.
If you need me, I'll be in the next stall over.

 

by mmyers
7-25-03
If you had to have some other career besides the one you're having, what would it be?
I'd probably be a rapper, or a hip-hop lyricist, maybe.
What's you're favorite curse word?
I'd have to say 'Fiddle sticks". It just sounds funny, you fizzle my shizzle?
Oh you bet. And finally, Snoopy, if heaven exists, what do you hope God says to you at the pearly gates?
'What up, playa?' and then I'll be like 'What up, foo'?' then he'll be like 'I just had a toke of that chronic that made me choke, no joke' and I'll be like 'For real?' and he'll be 'Hit this shit.'

 

by mmyers
7-25-03
"Let's take some questions from the class."
Go ahead, guy in the red shirt, what's your question?
yeah, Snoop,my question is, what set you claimin'?
I'd have to say Wwwweeesstt Side!
I'm East side, playa! Eat lead!
BANG! BANG!
Damn foo', I've been shot. That's cold.
Sadly, most of our interviews end like this.

 

by mmyers
7-25-03
As with most of my Inside the rapper's Studio interviews, we end here at the graveyard. We say goodbye to Calvin Brodus, aka, Snoop Doggy Dog.
Snoop was a playa', a pimp, an OG, and my mutha fuckin' dog, so for you, Snoop Dog, I poor a little of this 40 out. God's speed, playa'.
For Inside The Rapper's studio, I'm James Tetley saying goodnight.
Don't cry for me, James Tet-tizzle, for shizzle. I'm going to have more albums coming out now than I did when I was alive. I'll have three new albums out by Christmas!

 

by mmyers
7-28-03
Excuse me sir, but your truck kicked up a big rock that broke my windshield. I need to get your insurance info.
Well, if you look plainly at the bumper sticker on my truck, it says 'Not responsible for objects coming from the road', so you're on your own.
I'll be right back. Don't go anywhere.
Where are you going?
I'm going to go put on my 'I'm not held accountable for swinging my arms and punching you in the face' shirt.

 

by mmyers
7-28-03
Howdy partner, yee-haw! I'm Marshall Dental Hygiene! Hey, how often does this happen to you?
Moo?
Gross, it smells horrible in here. Randy, did you forget to brush your tongue this morning or did you take a shit on yourself?
Haha, you caught me Diane. I did, in fact, shit my pants. [whisper] Phew, that was close. I didn't have the courage to say that I forgot to brush my tongue this morning.
Well, little buckaroo, fear not, 'cause August 7 is National Brushing Your Tongue day. Right, Flossie? And we'll be giving out free floss and tongue pads at the VD clinic this weekend. Bring the kids!
I should have gone to bartending school.

 

by mmyers
7-29-03
Checking the SC board from work...
In total there are 9 users online :: 4 Registered and 5 Guest...Registered Users: mmyers, Fart_Eater, twofingersinmybutt, MR.NUTZ
When your contemporaries have names like this, you must consider that you've taken a wrong turn in life somewhere.

 

by mmyers
7-29-03
Since they've started those ads for people to quit smoking, a bunch of people at the cigarette factories are being laid off and losing they're jobs. That's sad.
Yes, I feel so sorry for them. Those annoying kids in those commercials just don't realize how they're destroying people's lives and taking away jobs.
You know who I feel sorry for? Nuclear weapons builders who get caught and are forced to stop. All they know is building bombs and then they force them to stop. What're they supposed to do now?
I also feel sorry for the people who worked at Rubick's cube factories. I mean, all they knew was building those little cubes, then they went out of style and left them jobless. Sad, really.
It's hard to live in a recession. It reminds me of that thing that happened in the 1930's where everyone was poor.

 

by mmyers
7-29-03
As I look at my calendar I see that it's August 12, and that's a great day for me, isn't it, Captain Obvious?
Not understanding what you are talking about, I find myself confused and must ask, what are you talking about?
Why, August 12, it's national Release Your Enemies from Prison day.
Boy, that sounds suspicious, because you're evil and why would I want to release you when you are evil. That perplexes me.
Well, it's written right here on my calendar.
Well, even though it's written in human excrement on the calendar, who am I to disagree. I bet you can't wait to get out and cause mayhem. You're free.

 

by mmyers
7-29-03
I used to think I had it bad because I had no shoes, then I made lemonade.
Come on out, Misremembered Platitude Fish. I'm letting out all of my enemies.
Well, all good things must have a silver lining.
You say phrases that you confuse and say them the wrong way. That's funny so I laugh at it.
Well, the road to success is such sweet sorrow.
Ha, ha, I'm laughing.

 

by mmyers
7-29-03
Greetings, Captain Obvious. Is there something you would like to converse with me about?
Since I don't like talking to you because of the way you nit pick and make me feel stupid, I'm just going to tell you that I'm setting you free. Go.
So many ways I could begin to correct your sentences and fragments, Captain Obvious. Truely, I will miss these times that we have spent together.
For real, Dr. Pedantic?
Ha ha, I made you dangle your modifier.
Get out.

 

by mmyers
7-29-03
Boy, I'm going to miss you, Captain Obvious. You've taken great care of us over the years.
Thanks, Obsequious Oscar, but times up and you should probably be going now.
Is there anything I can do for you to help out? You want me to sweep out the cells for you? I think that demon guy pooped in his and rubbed it on a calender.
Not neccessary, Oscar. I'll just be happy for you because you're free, albeit undeservedly.
This drafty prison air seems to be agreeing with you. Your skin looks great. Are you using a new shampoo, because it glistens in the little bit of light that gets in down here.
I'm going to turn around and walk toward the door in the hopes that you will follow me, forget that we are talking, and then continue walking away from me.

 

by mmyers
7-29-03
I sit too close to the TV. Grandma says that that's bad for your eyes. I'm getting glasses Tuesday and that's because I sit too close to the TV.
Late Breaking news! A team of super villians has assembled in the park and are berating passerbys. Tourists and locals alike are fleeing in confusion.
One of the team members, known as Dr Pedantic was quoted as saying, "It's spelled 'villains' and the correct phrase would be passers by". Police are baffled.
Hey, I'm responsible for this because I set them all free. They're all evil and no doubt are commiting evil acts now that they're free.
CLEAN YOUR ROOM, CHESTER! Because it's dirty and when things are dirty they require cleaning to make them not dirty.

 

by mmyers
7-29-03
Hello, jogging enthusiast, your shirt proclaiming that you enjoy the act of jogging is actually a gerund. I'm sure you were unaware.
The more things change, the more some things will never change.
All right, I'm going to try and stop you all, even though I don't feel like I have the ability to because it's all of you against me. I wish I had help.
You do have help, Captain Obvious, and it comes in the form of Deus ex Machina Monkey.

 

by mmyers
7-29-03
Well, that was close. Tell me, Deus ex Machina Monkey, how did you save the day because I don't know how you did it?
I traveled back in time to the day before you let everyone out. I took my time machine.
In fact, I come from a whole planet of time traveling chimps. We used to have a king and he forced us to grow plantains, so we lived on a plantain-tion.
Now we've got a president so we're called the Banana Republic.

 

by mmyers
7-30-03
Dan Titley, Channel 5 news. We're here with failed inventor Bufford Mills. Bufford, tell us about your new invention and why you think it's been banned.
Well, I heard that folks was out of shape and needing exercise, so I loaded up my rusty old van with exercise equipment. The deal is, I come to you, whether to your work, the grocery store, wherever.
And if I'm understanding the concept right, you jump out of the van and throw them in the back of it?
Yup. I surprise 'em, and then they can't make any excuse not to follow their routine. I tell them to struggle because it's a great warmup. Also, I use chloroform so they can rest before the session.
Todd, call the police. A creepy white van just pulled up in the parking lot and pulled Beth in and drove away. It's sad, too, because her abs were looking great lately.
No doubt. She'd lost at least 12 pounds in 2 weeks. I'll call the Police.

Showing page 5.

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