All comics by ojcme

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by ojcme
3-21-07
Dude, I know this one chick on aim that's really cool! Her name is glitterchick334. You guys have a lot in common.
Okay, I'll give it a shot.
What's she saying?
She's saying, "ur so kewl *emoticon* i liek to read harry potter books does that count as literature?" I called her a stupid cunt. And threatened to sodomize her for every word she misspelled.
Based on a true story
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you can get restraining orders through AIM.

 

by ojcme
3-22-07
Alright, I have the movie ready.
Alright, now lets make our LIVE PIZZA!
What the fuck is that?
Its pizza that isn't cooked and doesn't contain things like cheese and real bread.
Can I put some live cow on my live pizza?

 

by ojcme
4-07-07
Hi, I'm Jared, you may remember me from the subway commercials.
I lost a shitton of weight, because of subway and exercise.
That's all fine, sir. But we're still arresting you for voluntary manslaughter.
Damn kid was asking for it, eating a burger in front of me like that. Taunting me, yes.

 

by ojcme
4-09-07
You see, the major problem plaguing modern day man is the transitionary period between an industrial and post-industrial society.
Okay.
But the problem is you're getting rid of the unskilled labor market, which is dissolving the lower middle class and causing serious problems for those people.
You're boring.
In a post industrial society, there's more of a market for information and entertainment technology. An instance of this would be you sucking my cock you cunt.

 

by ojcme
4-10-07
So, that's why global warming is a problem.
You know, why is it called global warming, Kyle?
Well, you see, the weather is...
IT'S COLDER OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW THAN IT IS USUALLY.
The weather's a litle more complex than that...
Why do you liberals like to lie to us, Kyle?

 

by ojcme
4-12-07
I say we go and help the little children in third world countries.
No thanks, I'll help the "urban" kids find the zipper to my pants.
You have no moral code.
On the contrary, I have a very high moral standard. I live my life by a very stringent moral rule.
Which is?
No fat chicks.

 

by ojcme
4-14-07
So I was watching TV and I happened upon Planet of the Apes playing on the History Channel.
Oh yeah, that's funny. Maybe someone thought it was real.
Yeah it is pretty funny alright.
Maybe it's some kind of liberal lie.
Wait, what?

 

by ojcme
4-14-07
Let's start with an anecdote
...and so I eventually gave her the abortion half off. Half the foetus, I mean.
Dear god, that's horrible.
How about a humorous observation?
So you're a catholic, right? Want to practice deliverance with me?
JUST GO AWAY!
Oh thank fuck, they're gone. Now I can jerk off into their beer bottles and none will be the wiser. And so another heinous crime is perpetrated by Captain Crank.

 

by ojcme
4-14-07
Okay, let's go over this again. You were seen near the scene of the crime.
But officer, I swear that I'm a do gooder. I'm a superhero, in fact.
You were in the city park, with a bottle of scotch and wearing a bedsheet turned into a cape. You tested positive for Angeldust.
Oh, that's my magic pixie dust. It helps me become a superhero.
Okay, I'll shoot. What're do you call yourself, then?
Captain Curbstomp.

 

by ojcme
4-15-07
Ugh
What?
Oh no, not you, this indian kid is being jewish by constantly reminding me of this one thing.
How is that jewish? He's not being stingy with memorization.
He was also remembering all the gold teeth he lost during World War Two.
Now that's just ridiculous, everyone knows the Halocaust never happened.

 

by ojcme
4-20-07
Dude, what's wrong?
Oh, I don't know. Every girl I talk to runs away from me.
That's because you start talking about progressive rock and neon genesis evengelion! The girl that wouldn't run away from you is probabaly too fat.
Sigh, I just want a girl that understands progressive polyrythms and anime like I do.
You surely will die alone.
No doubt.

 

by ojcme
4-22-07
Fuck everyone, fuck authority, fuck all human beings. I hate everyone on the planet, especially the cheerleading squad who turned me down.
I'm too complex for anyone to understand me, and so I don't fit in. I have no real friends. All people are losers.
Hi sweetie! I just made a batch of cookies and wondered if you wanted any.
SHUT THE FUCK UP MOM AND CLOSE MY DOOR! GOD, YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND ME!

 

by ojcme
4-22-07
Okay, welcome to thearapy again, fatstuff. Here, we'll try to figure out what I already know is wrong with you.
I hate everyone and everything in this world. I think the world would be better off if humans didnt' exist.
That's interesting, anything you'd like to add?
My problems probably stem from my father touching me as a child.
Isn't that right, dad?
Don't listen to this fat fuck, doc. I've never touched her under-jelly rolls before.

 

by ojcme
4-22-07
I was a communist, and we're in hell.
I was a rich bitch, and I think I want to have sex with you.
I'd very much like that.
I want you too, but I'm a total whore.
I STAB YOU!
Hell is other people.

 

by ojcme
4-22-07
This is a pretty nice place. What's it called?
Outback, dad.
Shit sack?
Outback
Wetback?

 

by ojcme
4-24-07
In physics class today, I learned that the Jew is the SI unit of energy.
Don't you mean Joule?
I don't know, my teacher is an antisemite. Maybe he thinks burning jews will power our nazimobiles and heat our houses.
So basically, Hitler was a progressive who forsaw the energy crisis 50 years later?
All we need to do is reduce gas consumption.
Wouldn't this policy increase it?

 

by ojcme
5-01-07
You know who said "Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead?"
Oh, I think i know this one, it was during the 1800's, during the civil war, I think.
It was during the civil war. It was said by Admiral Farragut, as he was ready to go into Mobile Bay. HE WAS ABOUT TO STORM THE BAY AND WIN AGAINST THOSE SLAVE OWNERS!
Okay...
AND THE SHIP HE WAS COMMANDING? IT WAS THE USS HARTFORD! THE USS HARTFORD! WE WERE IN ONE OF THE FINAL BATTLES THAT HELPED END SLAVERY!
Fuck it, Mike. That dead hooker in my trunk'll just decay on its own.

 

by ojcme
5-01-07
Hey, everyone! We're the democratic party! And this is our journey to actually get our spines back and take on the whitehouse!
That's right! We're going to get our spines back and actually try to fucking do something effective instead of just being a bunch of pussies!
Wow, i didn't know we'd take this long to get there.
Well, how about we foolishly blame some shit to try to get the Fundies on our side.
Mission Accomplished, gang, we left a nasty letter in George's mailbox. That'll teach him not to fuck with the democrats.
We'll just wait until after our terms are up, when its completely meaningless, to actually do any fighting.

 

by ojcme
5-01-07
So then I told her that I had power of attourney, and then called her a cunt.
Here here.
Say, old chap. There's a man who needs to get by us. He looks as though he's in a bit of a rush.
But we just started talking! I can't imagine pulling over to the side and talking side by side.
Parish the thought. Why look at the time! I must be off!
Goodbye old bean. I think I'll just swerve wildly when you're gone in memory of you.

 

by ojcme
5-02-07
And so, I, a 40 year old weird guy, am going to spend my speech disproving evolution.
What the hell? Creation Science?
Would you like me to improve your life through vibration therapy?
New age pseudo spiritual nutjobs?
Shitty music with shitty introspective lyrics by one of our english teachers? Oh I get it, today is rape Kyle senseless day!
My next song goes out to all the trees out there.

 

by ojcme
5-05-07
Here, Kyle. Have a Coors Light.
Why would I want to drink that?
You know, during the summer, I don't know why, but I like to drink Coors Light. I think I like it for the bitter taste.
Why not, you know, drink something good?
I occasionally drink Sam Adams during the winter, but during the summer I want that bitter taste.
Why not chug a big glass of piss?

 

by ojcme
5-05-07
I want to quit my job at the Juice Bar, but I can't just quit.
Why's that?
Well, my boss, who also provides me with a place to stay, isn't letting me use my creative talants. I'm just doing a shitload of work, and they're paying me under the table.
Our dad works for the labor departement. You can threaten them. Also, she's just using you.
Yeah, but I don't feel any ill will. I dont' want to threaten them, even though I could destroy their place of business by just calling the IRS.
You know what you are? You're a negroid sharecropper.

 

by ojcme
5-12-07
You know, I think that we should bring back the draft.
I always knew you secretly hated poor people, Mike.
Excuse me?
That's right. The poor are the only people who can't get out of the draft, which means that the poor are ultimately fighting in place of the rich, or the college students.
Which is exactly why I dropped out of college to fight for my country!
Yeah, those coloured kids don't slaughter themselves, after all.

 

by ojcme
5-23-07
Hi, my name is ojcme and today I'm going to talk about how to create suscessful webcomics!
The first step is to get the shit kicked out of you in high school, preferably while watching anime.
Good. Now, listen to shitty introspective music and obscure japanese shit.
Okay? The next part is simple: make a webcomic with at least 2 lesbians and 1 or 2 pseudo lesbians. This is the important part. Let's see what we get:
groping my boobs would be so kawaii!!!! ^_^
I am ambiguously homosexual. Also, I stare at ugly american boys because that's what the artist wants me to do.

 

by ojcme
5-24-07
Optimist: Always sure that whatever happens, it's for the common good.
My glass is half full.
Pessimist: The world sucks and there is nothing you can do about it.
My glass is half embittered feelings relating to high school.
Optimistic Pessimist: My glass is half empty but at least the other half is vodka.
My glass is now empty.

 

by ojcme
5-29-07
We fight them over there so we don't have to fight them over here.
What?
We fight them over there so we don't have to fight them over here.
What?
We fight them over there so we don't have to fight them over here.
I'm forcing you to repeat that so eventually your brain might start thinking about what you're saying, but to no avail.

 

by ojcme
6-02-07
I've decided I like the band Merzbow.
You like shit.
Merzbow is good.
It's a violin bow meeting a garbage can meeting distortion. How is that even music?
You'll never see Merzbow on MTV.
That's because even MTV has standards.

 

by ojcme
6-02-07
So, is it just me, or are there a larger quantity of down syndrome tards in Catholic families?
I don't think that's true...
Every family I know has a downs tard in it, no matter what. I guess it's god's blessing or some shit.
Dude, I'm catholic, and we have no "Special needs people" in our family.
Well, what about your brother? The one you keep in your basement.
Give me a few minutes.

 

by ojcme
6-03-07
First mate, what happened?
Sir, our yardarm smashed through our poopdeck!
Oh, christ, I hope no one ever survives to speak of this.
If only I wasn't so fabulously drunk, I might have missed that giant fucking glacier.
You were navigating?
No, I was hanging from the sails like a monkey.

 

by ojcme
6-04-07
I am retarded.
Now I am smart, but I'm also a dick. Oh shit, I'm loosing my intelligence.
The moral of the story? Smart people are dicks.
Now I'm dead.

 

by ojcme
6-06-07
God created two dumb cunts.
Look Adam! There's this fruit here that we can eat, even though god said we shouldn't.
Whatever it takes for me to pole dive you, you dumb cunt.
There was a huge fucking flood.
Aren't you glad this shit isn't real?
Sorry Jesus, i gotta split. See you later in after the apocalypse.
Fuck you John the Baptist.

 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA
by ojcme, 6-06-07

 

by ojcme
6-07-07
Honey, we need to talk.
What about?
It's your flagrant abuse of abstract measurements. Your meters are tearing our relationship apart!
My give a fuck o meter is barely registering.
And you're hurting everyone around you.
My spousal abuse meter is going off the charts, however.

 

by ojcme
6-09-07
There are a lot of misconceptions about the dietary habits of east coast liberals. For instance, we aren't all vegans.
Why, just the other day, I was helping myself to the delicious taste of aborted foetuses! They are packed with protein.
I get my shipment straight from the ACLU, which usually practices some arcane ancient cthulhuian rituals first. After all, no one should displease a shoggoth.
I get my shipment straight from the south.

 

by ojcme
6-09-07
Do you understand why I pulled you over, sir?
I swear to god, officer, I haven't been drinking one bit.
That's perfectly fine. But, uh, you seem to have driven over several old ladies.
Did you see the last one? She flipped over my hood, and landed right smack on the pavement! SMACK!
SMACK! HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA

 

by ojcme
6-09-07
You bastard!
What? Who's there?
It's me, one of the grannies you ran over, you deliquent! I was just minding my own business, scheming the takeover of the world, when you had to run me over!
I knew you were scheming the takeover of the world! But why?
Because you little rascals are destroying the precious fields of hard candy, which we use in our rituals to summon the gods of elder.
Wow, this means I get to save the world...and run over old women! How do I get so lucky?

 

by ojcme
6-09-07
YOU LET HIM GET AWAY!
I'm sorry boss, he used some kind of...some kind of mind trick on me!
Well, I guess that's alright. I mean, if he truly is the chosen one, I shall see him again soon.
Yes sir. Let's just summarize our position here, just in case there are some readers that are confused.
Alright, we're the secret police force tasked with keeping the legends of the elder gods a secret. I am one of their creatures.
That'll do sir.

 

by ojcme
6-10-07
Oh man, this is a huge responsibility I don't know how to deal with this.
Do you know you ran a red light?
Listen, I have to get to the master to learn my true destiny. I have to run over dead ladies to prevent a horrible elder god from being summoned by sacrifices of medicare and hard candy.
Shit.

 

by ojcme
6-10-07
Well, here I am, in jail. I wonder how I'm supposed to save the world while in prison.
You have the gift. You will find your way.
Who said that? Oh, you must be the master, what should I do? How do I go on?
You must have faith in your abilities. When the time is right, you will know what you must do.
I don't even know if I can do this. How will I know?
It's very simple: Just keep your foot on the gas, and if they go under, it can only help.

 

by ojcme
6-10-07
I can't believe I managed to sneak out of that police station with just a bent spoon. Now, I gotta just believe in myself, but I have so many doubts.
How will I know what to do when the time is right? Okay, there's an old lady. I just have to listen to what the retard said to me.
I did it! I can do this! I swear, right now, that I will drive over any old lady that gets in my way. Nothing can stop me now!

 

by ojcme
6-10-07
There has to be some kind of connection.
We be here for hours! I needs me a colt .45!
Hold on, Shanequa. Hmmm, this old lady was hit by a car, exactly like the other old ladies in this case.
So some white cracka hit some old broads? What's that got to do with anythang?
I believe this has something to do with secret societies. There isn't any other explaination.
You a crazy foo.

 

by ojcme
6-10-07
And so I said, "firehoses don't disrupt peaceful protests by themselves."
HAHA
You better run while you can, nigger.

 

by ojcme
6-10-07
Hey babe, want to help me keep old ladies from summoning a ferocious elder god by running over them?
NO! YOU SEEM LIKE SOME KIND OF RAPIST.
It's okay, I'm the chosen one.
I think my dying father said something about that. He died in my arms, which is why I whore myself on the streets.
I'm totally down with that.
I have a heart of gold.

 

by ojcme
6-11-07
This felon has got to be around here somewhere. I must find him so I can learn about this secret society. I kind of like him, he's getting rid of the loose fabric of society.
Oh, you're back. So, where's lunch?
Dey run outta ribs. Youse want some fried chickin?
NOOOOOOOOOOO! I was going to have her work under me and the wife! I will find you. old lady killer, and I will kill you!

 

by ojcme
6-12-07
Okay, old lady, tell me where this old lady killer is and you'll go free.
I swear to you , young man, I have no idea what you're talking about.
DAMNIT! STOP RIGHT THERE!
Can I join you in killing old ladies? I recently practiced by pulling my mother off of life support.
Sure, hop on!

 

by ojcme
6-13-07
So, you're my new best friend's new girlfriend?
Yeah. Want me to suck your cock, young man?
Young man? Show yourself.
Okay, I'm really an old lady sent to keep track of our friend.
Can I still get that blowjob?
Sure, ya young wippersnapper. Just let me get my dentures out...

 

by ojcme
6-13-07
MY GIRLFRIEND IS AN OLD LADY...
RACHARD! YA NO WHAT YOU DO!
Alright, retard, I'll just use my powers...
imma ghost now
There, now she's dead.
Dude, I was about to finish. Oh well, I also get off on car crashes. Turn the other way.

 

by ojcme
6-13-07
Now we gotta make our way to the summoning ritual to stop your boss from summoning the great elder.
Yeah, man.
Well, here we are at the summoning ritual.
Yeah, man.
Now where's this boss of yours?
Over there.

 

by ojcme
6-13-07
Stop right there! I'm putting an end to this ritual!
You're too late, he's already summoned.
Hmm, you're smaller than I imagine.
YOU YOUNG....what?
The End, fucking finally. I mean, Christ, all this for a fucking joke about running over old ladies?
Alzheimers. Well, this story ends well. I'm going back to living in a fucking trash can.
I'm going to go on random people's lawns and act really confused.

 

by ojcme
6-21-07
Oh for the love of...JESUS! You're using up the water bill. Can't you fucking get wine from the package store like a normal person?
But I use my gift to give wine to the winos out there. Imagine a world where winos would be sober! It'd be horrible!
If you keep it up, I'm just going to have to find another roomate. One that exists, this time.
You know what? That's a good point.
Well, there goes his half of the rent.

Showing page 5.

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