All comics by kaufman

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by kaufman
12-13-05
... so I need to put an Elder Sign here.
Which means, over here I ought to put either a tentacle, a map of R'lyeh, or a Necronomicon.
Yo, Mike, what are you doing?
Cthulhu Sudoku.

 

by kaufman
12-14-05
I don't understand that "Deck the Halls" song we just sang. Could you tell me what boughs are?
Of course. They're limbs.
Billy, why did you ask me down here, and what's that in your hand?
o/` Deck the hall with limbs, bows, whatever, of Holly, Fa la la la la la la la la.

 

by kaufman
12-14-05
Monks of the Norelcan order shave themselves with long, sharp straight razors mounted on poles. They believe this will ensure their entrance into paradise in the afterlife.
Eohippus novus cunnilingum.
Fucum ivdei canteka iok.
But one clumsy friar kept cutting himself and making a horrible mess of the bathroom, not to mention the permanent stains on his simple robes.
Owwus, owwus!
For the sake of his brothers and the cleanliness of the monastery, he made the supreme sacrifice -- he let his beard grow out. Today we know this martyr as St. Nick.
Twinkie? Ding-Dong? Fruit pie?
Ho-Ho!

 

by kaufman
12-15-05
The Grinch and his dog Max were back in their cave, Grumbling about how Christmas had been saved.
Though my not stealing Christmas makes me feel a bit sad, one holiday's existence drives me totally mad!
The Whos down in Whoville have a repulsive celebration, but the Joos down in Jooville have the worst in the nation!
I feel like Hillary must in re Bill and Monica, I must separate the Joos from their beloved Chanukah.

 

by kaufman
12-15-05
The Grinch hatched a plan to steal their day from the Joos,
Must infiltrate quickly, no time to lose!
I'll fit in down there, they won't think I look shabby, Dressed as a mensch, a Chanukah rabbi. That works for me, but what about you?
Lord knows a reaindeer in Jooville won't do. I've got it! This disguise will work, you'll see. Behold the magnificent Max-a-bee!

 

by kaufman
12-15-05
Down there in Jooville they started to pilfer mezuzot of gold and dreidels of silver.
Shofars and tallit, and Shabbat wall sockets, Gifts for the kids, like Shlomo's pet rocket. And Miriam's new Barbie Beit Knessett, And the Franklin Mint Deluxe 6-Day-War Chess Set!
On to the kitchen and ready to steal, all of the staples of the Joos' Chanukah meal. Latkes and blintzes and Manischewitz Grape, Kasha ball soup, and gefilte ape.

 

by kaufman
12-15-05
He stole Bloomingdales purses, true felt fedoras, And was about to grab the Joos' best menorah. When Cindy Lou Joo, who was only but two, awoke and asked him,
Why, Rabbi, are you doing what you do?
Well, the Grinch was so smooth, without batting an eye, he came up with a smooth, deceitful lie.
The third candle over, you can see it is broken. The wick is impure, the fire is smoking.
The menorah must go to my shop for repair, I can't do it here, I must take it there.
Oh, thank you, good rabbi, you are a life saver. But before you go, I must ask a favor. I know you won't mind, a man like you of course can, Help out and remove my new brother's foreskin.

 

by kaufman
12-15-05
Down at the bris, when he put on that yarmulke, The Grinch suddenly got the meaning of Chanukah. His heart shifted over from evil to good, He returned the gifts and all of the food.
A perfect circumcision with one perfect snip. Dad was so impressed, he said,
Rabbi, keep the tip!
And the moral of the story is:
Give them a grinch, they'll want a mohel.

 

KOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!
by kaufman, 12-18-05

 

by kaufman
12-20-05
Shhhhht-click!

 

by kaufman
12-22-05
zzzzzzzzzzz...
Wake up, Ebenezer!
Huh? What? Who are you?
I am the ghost of Jacob Marley. I come to tell you that tonight you will be vis...
Marley? What the fuck are you talking about? Marley was a white guy, a foot shorter than you. He wasn't any Hindu.
I know, but his position was outsourced this summer. Now, as I was saying, you will be vistied by three ...

 

Darn it! I knew I shouldn't have gotten a computer that operated in base 44.7883913531...
by kaufman, 12-23-05

 

by kaufman
12-26-05
And in business news, indicators for the first part of 2006 indicate a steady economy, save for a precipitous dropoff in the sales of zoos.
I'm telling you my portfolio's taking an awful beating, what with the disappearance of the zoo fad. How about you?
Oh, I'm doing great. I sold off all my shares in zoos at the end of '05?
How could you have anticipated that? Do you have inside information or something?
Not at all. I just understand the power of subliminal advertising. By the way, you might want to start investing in a company called Zoob...

 

by kaufman
1-02-06

 

by kaufman
1-02-06
14
Hello, can you tell me where I can find some gaffeing tape and some flubber?
Mistake a left at aisle 15 and you'll see the tape. As for the flub, don't crime a river, but we haven't carried it sin' that movie left the theaters.
Hi, I'd like to make my err blunder. Got something that will lighten my follycles?
Goof from here to aisle 23 and you will soon be the proud boner of some peroxide bleach.
This guitar won't fit in my car. I need a stringed instrument that can fit inaccuraseats.
Even if your car has a manual transgression, you ought to be able to carry some violinness or some violation. You'll have a few cc -- 309 cubic centimeters, to be precise, to spare.

 

by kaufman
1-02-06
Peter, Marcia, Greg, Bobby, Cindy, sit down, it's time for dinner. And any idea where Jan is?
I'm not really hungry now. Can I go upstairs and study?
I can't eat till I get my hair combed. I should be done with it by breakfast time.
No time to eat, Mom. Alice asked me to irrigate her ilium tonight
Uh, I think I heard Joe Namath out in the back yard. And Jan who?
*urp*

 

by kaufman
1-04-06
As the repercussions of this West Virginia mining disaster grow, questions are being raised regarding the handling of the situation.
That's right. Apparently, the mining company spokesman has had a history of mispainting the truth in the past.
August, 1945
Good news. In spite of this explosion here in Hiroshima, there has only been one fatality.
Hooray!
September, 2001
I know you're concerned about your husband, but I just heard that the hijackers have flown all the planes to Tahiti. Free vacations for everyone!

 

by kaufman
1-05-06
See that vampire over there? He stiffed me on his bill two nights running.
Don't worry about it. I'll take care of this. Watch.
Here you go, sir. Drink's on the house.
Ugh! This tastes awful. It burns! This is no bloody Mary! What in the world did you give me?
Tequila sunrise.

 

by kaufman
1-05-06
MySpace, the MyFinal Myrontier.
These are the MyVoyages of the Mystarship MyEnterprise...
Whose MyFive MyyYear MyMyMyMyMyMission
CUT!

 

by kaufman
1-06-06
Hey, Butch... oooh, what's in the box?
I'll show you what's in the box if you show me what's in the bag.
Deal!
Quit fooling around, you guys. Now, Lenny, it's up to you. You can have what's in the bag, what's in the box, or trade them both for what's behind the curtain.

 

by kaufman
1-13-06
Wait a minute, I know you. You've aged some, but that face I would know anywhere. You're Dr. King! You're Martin Luther King!
Well, yes, I am.
But how? That's impossible. You were shot and killed 38 years ago. How can you be here among us now?
Son, it's very simple. You ...
... had a dream.

 

by kaufman
1-13-06
Sunday
            
Monday
            
Sheesh!
Tuesday
           
Dear Doofus, Just because it's called MySpace doesn't mean you have to limit your entries to hitting the space bar.

 

by kaufman
1-18-06
At William Shatner's press conference
Mr. Shatner, you just sold your kidney stone to a casino for $25,000. Don't you think that's a little too much?
Not at all, considering it was in me for 40 years.
40 years? You're telling me you had that thing inside you for four decades?
Of course! Why do you think I sounded the way I did all the way back to Star Trek?
You think I was hamming it up or something? I was in pain! Excruciating pain!

 

by kaufman
1-19-06
You want to play keyboards with us? You've got to be kidding! We play cool music. What can a nerd like you play?
Here. I'll show you.
for (i fprintf = 0; if i (pcomplex->next < count; (f, != NULL) i++) { max_temp[day]);
That sounded awful. What the fuck was that?
Something called a C chord. You might want to learn it.

 

by kaufman
1-19-06
Look, before we go and meet Jamie, I'd better warn you -- he's a total music snob.
I can deal with that. I mean, I know what I like and everything, and I'm sure he likes what he thinks is good music. It shouldn't be any problem.
No, I don't think you understand. He's a TOTAL music snob. To the max. Really, you'd better be ready for him.
Oh, come on now, how bad can it be?
Let me give you an example. He'll listen to Bohemian Rhapsody, but only in the original Czech.

 

by kaufman
1-27-06
Hhhhhhhhcccchht...
PTUUUUUUIIIIIIIIII!
Very funny, big guy!

 

by kaufman
1-31-06
Hello, nurse, any new patients today?
Just one, in Room 304.
Cowboy. Had an accident while trying to get on his horse.
An accident? What happened?
Broke back mounting.

 

by kaufman
2-02-06
There you have it. Six more weeks of lame Cowboy Physics jokes.

 

by kaufman
2-02-06
Max, is it true you finally found a new job?
Yes, indeed, 99. I'm going up to Punxatawney, Pennsylvania, where I will be the new Groundhog!
Ladies and gentlemen, I have seen my shadow. There is no doubt that we will have six more weeks of winter.
Excuse me, sir? You don't know me, but I'm the contest winner from Comic 85009, and I just heard that the world's going to end in 30 days. I don't know what to do!
Er, ... Would you believe 4.28 more weeks of winter?

 

Y
by kaufman, 2-07-06

 

by kaufman
2-09-06
Hee hee hee.
Hahahahahaha! Oh my god! Hahaha STOP! Heehee
Jesus Christ, I'm not even touching you yet.
I know. But I'm VERY ticklish.

 

You might be an athlete in a sport more rigged than figure skating if ... You're a biathlete.
I finished first. I won! I won!
Sorry, Bjorn, the Gold Medal goes to Dick Cheney.
by kaufman, 2-14-06

 

That didn't turn out the way it was supposed to.
I know. So what do we do now?
by kaufman, 2-16-06

 

by kaufman
2-17-06
What's your name, ma'am?
Sally-Ann. Sally-Ann Alogy.
Well, Miss Alogy, do you know how fast you were going? You were swifter than Gulliver's Travels. Speedier than a thriving meth lab...
Faster than a convention of supermodels. More fleet than the Royal Navy. Rapider than asiangirl2...
Hastier than a giant statue of a castrated bull made out of dried grass. Quicker than ...
I think I get the idea.

 

by kaufman
2-22-06
The Red Phonie
You're my best friend in the whole world.
Can I have a sugar cube?
Canner Eero
Come on, Saarinen, quit drawing those buildings, and get back to work. We've got 16 tons of peaches to put in cans, and the cranberry shipment's coming at noon.
The Graph of Rapes
RAAAR! CORNHOLING UP 28% IN THE THIRD QUARTER!

 

by kaufman
3-02-06
What a horrible, pointless assignment. Doesn't Teach know it'll lead to nothing but pain and misery, and be a big waste of time?
Oh well, you asked for it. I've put this off long enough. Only got a week to finish the fucker. Might as well go ahead and start. But don't blame me if it comes out bad.
Let there be light ...

 

by kaufman
3-05-06
Wal-Mart announced that it will allow its pharmacists to be conscientious objectors and not dispense medicine against their religious beliefs.
Honey, I'm finally going to get a job. I'm going to be a pharmacist.
A pharmacist? You can't do that. You know nothing about medicine!
I don't have to. I'm converting to Christian Science.

 

by kaufman
3-15-06
Come on, you know there's nothing to worry about. You're a three-time world champion. This'll be a piece of cake.
So what if the suits on the Olympic committee think we athletes are getting too good, and decide to raise the diving platform from ten meters?
You're going to ace this thing. Now get out on the board and just do it!

 

by kaufman
3-16-06
Morning, Eldrick.
Morning, Stu.
Long time, no see. How's the virgin collection going.
Oh, I gave up on that. Too hard to find, and the townspeople quit leaving them a century ago. But look what I'm collecting now!
Firemen?
Of course, Stu. Nowadays, with their help, I only burn down the countryside accidentally every couple of months.

 

by kaufman
3-16-06
How are you doing?
Just great! Today I found #109 in that series of DVDs I'm collecting. That's one of the rarest ones. Come to my place and take a look.
These videos, shot during the early 1800s, all deal with who best could fix the security holes in the first protocomputers.
My solution keeps email from being trojan-horsed.
You dishonor me. My program has no breaches. Meet me in the field at dawn!
They really shot each other dead? That's awful! And you like this stuff?
Trust me, these Babbage patch duels are going to be BIG!

 

by kaufman
3-26-06
How are we going to destroy the Death Star and save the galaxy?
It's easy. I can infiltrate and teach them all Scientology.
And when they're distracted, I'll hit a six iron right down their one vulnerable ventilation shaft.
I'll kill all the inhabitants and write PIG on the walls in blood, so they'll blame it on the blacks.
And I'll sing a high G that will simply shatter their ship.
Wait a minute, I need to apologize for this comic. Kaufman swore to me this really happened, but it turns out his memoirs were partially fabricated.

 

by kaufman
3-30-06
Hey ref, what do you mean wide right? Are you blind or something?
Relax, my son, even with that blown call, the Lord will officiate with justice.
Huh? What do you mean?
Remember Genesis 1:4 ...
"And God saw it was good."

 

by kaufman
3-30-06
Look, Daddy, look at my new house. It looks just like your old house!
That's my boy! Be sure to thank your brother.

 

by kaufman
4-11-06
This is your captain speaking. We are now reaching our cruising altitude of 35,000 feet.
Wow, that's quite a copper head you have. But why the death-grip on the cat?
Oh, I have to garter well. She's already run away from a house anacondaminium.
In a moment I'll be turning off the no-snaking sign.
I can see why that would get you all rattlered.
The talk shows suggest an electronic fence, but I'm not sure I should take Obrah's advice.
So sit back and enjoy the flight.
*burp*

 

by kaufman
4-12-06
Herman, aren't you done hiding those eggs yet?
Give me a moment, Madge, I just have to figure out where to put one more.
That bush in front of you looks pretty good.
Come on! I don't tell you how to do YOUR job!
Hello! McFly! Anybody home? I'm a professional sex slave.
Aha! I know just the place to put this ...

 

I'm sure this run of killings was all done by one person, even if the only thing they have in common is that the vicims were named Roy ...
Heh, heh.
by kaufman, 5-09-06

 

by kaufman
5-09-06
Sir, may I interest you in buying ...
What? Your bird? Let me guess. Just because I'm black, you think you'll sell it to me.
Honey, who was that at the door?
Sickle sellin' emu.

 

by kaufman
5-10-06
Ay caramba! A Minuteman.
Excuse me, are you an alien?
And Morty the Minuteman never had any more problems with aliens, legal or illegal.
Er, si, senor.
Well, what are you waiting for, boy? Anal-probe me!

 

by kaufman
5-10-06
Honey, I think the blue pants dispenser's broken again.

 

by kaufman
12-12-06
Really. You can look it up!
I heard they're making a film based on the A-Team TV series.
Ryan Seacrest is being cast in the role of Lt. Templeton "Faceman" Peck.
This will thus mark the second time a character played by Dirk Benedict has been turned into a snake on the big screen.

Showing page 50.

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