All comics by graykane

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by graykane
4-23-04
Magically Delicious

 

by graykane
4-25-04
Wercome to third-world schoohouse.
Paid for with aid from US.
Here's where we learn in Engrish from textbook written in Amelica.
But not made in US. All Amelican factolies are right here. That's what we doing in schoo: we learn how to work in US factolies right here in our home.
This is automotive factoly.
We revise it to make android to destroy US in war on tellolism. We learn how to do this from US textbook written in Engrish.

 

by graykane
5-02-04
1. Ode to the DeadMilkmen
I'd like to help you, son, but you smell like a goat.
2.
Damnit, Grandma, you're picking the wrong mushrooms!
3.
Boy, whatch you talkin 'bout? Thirteen's marrying age.

 

by graykane
5-02-04
Whatch you mean that milk tasted funny? You don't appreciate what we do for you. Mama ain't got no arms, so she had to milk them cows with her mouth just so you'd have your precious cereal.
Son, you just spit chaw on my new shitkickers. Now bend over.
Dang, your pa's hung like a horse!

 

by graykane
5-04-04
I object. The prosecution is staring at my tits.
Where were you on the night of April 7?
I was eating out your mom & she got up to answer the door & threw on a sundress, & I couldn't stop kicking my dangling legs. My head was caught. It was pretty funny. I shit on the floor.
You did it, didn't you.
Your finger is turning me on.

 

by graykane
7-08-04
The voice of Big Bird's cousin played by Steve Buscemi.
you cannot see this comic anymore because this comic sucked you cannot see this comic anymore because this comic sucked you cannot see this comic anymore because this
what?
And why is that?
because this comic sucked
Haaaay, Burd.
suck a duck suck a duck suck a duck suck me suck me suck me suck me suck me do it now you big trunk i want my spawn to talk like an encephalitic retard

 

by graykane
7-16-04
Hey, aren't you Osama Bin Laden?
Aren't you the Jew infidel Nick Berg?
Waaaazzzzzuuuup!
For Pete's sake, give me five. Don't leave me hanging, man.
Oh no, I wouldn't do that. We don't hang people around here. Come this way, Mr. Berg. I would like to introduce you to some friends.

 

by graykane
7-16-04
This is the Jew infidel Nick Berg. Nick Berg, these are my friends.
Waaazzzuuup
Waaaazzzzuuuup
Waaaaazzzzuuuuup
Yo
Greetings, Mr. Berg.

 

by graykane
7-16-04
Welcome to our underground hideout, I mean our movie studio, Mr. Berg. We're going to shoot a movie. In fact, here comes our director behind you now: Michael Moore.
Yippee. I loved Bowling for Columbine. Go Liberals.
Way to take one for the team, kid.

 

by graykane
7-23-04
Here's the script. The 3 men behind you are Iraqui freedom fighters- I mean, Iraqui insurgents. Place your head on the ground in front of them & keep still. We want to get it in 1 whack- I mean 1 take
Sounds too controversial to be a Disney film. What do you think?
The Weinsteins will distribute it.
Boy, you Americans are ruthless.

 

by graykane
9-14-04
Who u calling a baby? How many Scottsmen had to fuck you in yer ass befo all dat red spunk start oozen out ya head? Nevermind I see da crabs in ya hair. Musta been Crabby passen a stone twix yer lips.
Ya look like ya bin fuckd by a elephaggot like MikeyG playd Snuffaluffagus on ya ass teachn ya da alphabet startn wid "P" cuz he peed on ya like Ivy used to like ya want her to but she neva will again
Gimme yer pussy.

 

by graykane
9-30-04
In the Comic Cup, first I lost to mmyers, but then the ref overthrew the popular vote and named me winner of the election.
yeahyeahyeah.
Then I got disqualified against Kaufman for breaking the rules, but the stand-in ref after bypassing the voting system overturned his own decision and named me the winner without any election process.
Oh I'm going to cum!!!
That's how I think I'm qualified for the position of Campaign Manager.
You got the job. You've got the fucking job!!!

 

by graykane
10-05-04
Unlike you, I'm smarter than my running mate, and I'll provide you with the history of our track records, your track records, Kerry's track records, the last 30yrs of military deployment track records
Your company Halliburton uses offshore subsidiaries to escape domestic taxes and US imposed sanctions prohibiting US corporations from engaging in business in Iran and other enemy countries.
Olympic track records, producers who lay tracks to records, not to mention your Senate voting record. You missed 34 out of 36 voting days. I reside over the Senate & I've never met you before tonight.
I swear I've got notes from my mother. Can we call this debate a draw? I think it's past my bedtime. I've got school in the morning.
You voted against No Child Left Behind. Guess what, son. You just got left behind.
Shit.

 

by graykane
11-05-04
I'm from the year 2036. This election will bring occassional domestic terrorism resulting in restrictions on civil liberties & occasional erroneous arrests intended to prevent future attacks.
Wangs!
This will enhance the divide between those who look to the government for protection & those who lack trust in the government's policies until the country errupts into a civil war in 2012.
Dongs!
To Be Continued...
Due to domestic distractions, the President will drop the ball in the Middle East, thereby resulting in a nuclear war between the Muslim nations and Israel. I come to offer this advice:
Advice? Yes?

 

by graykane
11-06-04
Wait a minute. Bush's re-election will lead to some leftwing radicals committing domestic terrorist acts? And the government accidentally arrests innocent people in trying to prevent future attacks?
And this leads to an increased division between those who look to the government for protection and those who distrust the government? Which then leads to a civil war?
I never said anything about the Bush re-election.
But you said this election will cause all this.
I was talking about the Comic Cup. MikeyG unjustly lost way too early. If I'm not mistaken, the civil protest has already begun.

 

by graykane
11-06-04
Kajun will try to serve as a Lincoln figure, but he won't be able to hold this website, let alone the US or the rest of the Western world, together in this conflict over the return of MikeG.
You said you came to offer advice?
Well, actually I came to get a Commodor 6400. In the future, we love stickfigure games.
So why did you travel back to 2004 and not to 1982?
What am I stupid? Didn't they cost like $500 back then?
For the love of God and all that is Holy, what is your advice so that we can end this fucking comic. Ugh, this is not funny enough to do a four-part series. He's not even bothering to use background.

 

by graykane
11-06-04
Who's "he"?
He's graykane, the author of this stupid fucking series. You can tell he's bored whenever reality starts to degrade.
Oh, great. He stopped writing dialog for you now.

 

by graykane
11-07-04
What am I supposed to do in a backgroundless world with an inert, speechless acquaintance?!!!
Why am I even talking? I mean what is an Asian girl supposed to do with a stiff piece of meat for a human companion?
Sucky Sucky?

 

by graykane
11-13-04
Hey, I bet you ten dollars I can pull a rabbit out of my ass.
¿Coñejo?
Ow, my rabbit. It's leaking out of my ass. It's all lumpy in my shorts. It's running down my leg into my socks.
¡Coño!
Hehe. I ate a rabbit earlier and just pulled its digested remains out of my ass. You owe me ten bucks, buddy.
Coñazo

 

by graykane
11-27-04
Don't mess with me, man. You know who I am? I'm the one they've been talking about in the news.
Hey, settle down there, Bessie.
They call me crazy. They don't know crazy. I'm crazy like a fox. Beef sales have gone down, haven't they.
We intentionally infect ourselves. When a sick one of us goes down, we eat her diseased body until she's dripping from our eyes. You see, mad cow is a type of suicide bomb.
Need animal translator for the war to have meaning
Some call it terrorism. Others say we're freedom fighters. Let's just say we're done watching each other get slaughtered while the rest of us stand around chewing our own cud.
Whatchya mooing so much fer, Bessie? I reckon we's close enough now I won't use them latex gloves today when I inseminatechya.

 

by graykane
11-27-04
Why am I leaving my husband again?
Oh yeah, I remember now: because he treats me like a dog.
It's true. He wants me to be faithful.

 

by graykane
11-27-04
Daddy, daddy, get me a puddin, no not that one, a pink one, no not that one, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no...
shut up before i kill you, throw you in the basement, and take away your name.
but i wanted the pink one.
shut up now or i'm going to introduce you to your older brother buried under this floorboard.
pink pink pink pink pink pink pink pink pink pink pink...
i'm going to replace your spine with plastic tubing and make your head a pez dispenser.

 

by graykane
11-27-04
gimme pink puddiiiiiiiinnnggggggg
i'm going to buy a lamb, tell you its a sweater, and make you pull its ass over your head.
pink, daddy.
i'm going to burn an image of the Virgin Mary into your forehead and auction you off on ebay.
pink pudding.
i'm going to sew dog treats into the menstrual pad lining of your panties.

 

by graykane
11-27-04
i said gimme pink pudding now!!!
go scrape it from your mother's underwear.
now!
i'll pop a genital wart into a cup.
i said give me pink pudding now, daddy.
if i give you more than you can eat, will you go offer up your pink pudding to everybody on Sunset Blvd? Please?

 

by graykane
11-27-04
i want to paint. get me red paint, daddy.
go scrape it from your mother's underwear.
but that's what you said yesterday when i asked for pink pudding.
her flow is harder today.
daddy, i don't understand half of what you say to me.
don't feel bad. the neighbors couldn't comprehend why your junglegym has a brass pole in place of a slide. i told them it was for you to prepare to put yourself through college. they didn't get it.

 

by graykane
11-27-04
daddy, what are you reading?
One of my students' papers. Listen to this: "The Iliad, by Ernest Hemingway, is an important novel of fiction." You see, honey, at the local university I teach young adults how to be retarded.
is that what you teach me, daddy?
No, I'm raising you to be a prostitute so you can support my retirement in place of social security. Listen to this: "An minorities dose not git equality in university." That sentence proves itself.
What's a minority?
A minority is someone who doesn't get equal representation in society, but that's not what she's writing about. "An minorities" are minimum-wage workers who wipe anus blood in the ketchup at Wendy's.

 

by graykane
11-27-04
i don't understand.
Okay. You, honey, are a minority. I found you in the dumpster at Wal-Mart, & no amount of scrubbing would lighten your skin. Plus, you're a woman.
Which means that you have a vagina in addition to an ass for society to fuck you in.
Sorry, what were we talking about again? Was I giving you the "Birds & the Bees" talk already? Where's your mother? I keep wanting to drool & extend my fingers.

 

by graykane
11-28-04
In response to the doubts raised about the motives behind the war in Iraq as well as the growing concern about terrorism, Congress passed legislation allowing the President to invade any country.
That's right, Bob. Futhermore, he can invade whenever he wants with only one condition.
That's correct, Judy. The President no longer has to appeal to Congress for budgetary reasons, either.
If the President sees a great enough threat to this nation, then he can invade wherever he wants whenever he wants with whatever budget he wants so long as he gets fisted on payperview.
That's correct, Judy. Congress decided that if the President determines the threat to be great enough to sacrifice troops' lives, not to mention the innocent lives lost to collateral damage, then...
He can drop trough before a live international audience and take the Secretary of State's arm elbow-deep into his ass. All proceeds from the payperview, meanwhile, will go to pay for the war.

 

by graykane
11-28-04
Ladies & gentlemen, American citizens, and our friends in the international community who have paid the $29.95 to receive this broadcast. It is with great sadness...
For you, maybe. I've waited my whole life for this.
and awareness of the consequences, that I report to you tonight that Iran has ignored all international pressure to cease its nuclear program. Trust me when I say that we waited as long as we could...
C'mon. Buck up, cowboy. Take one for the team. Scream "Yehaw" or "For the Alamo" or something.
but as much as I'd like to defer the responsibility to the next President, I am now forced to invade. Funded by Al Qaeda, Iran is only three weeks away from its first nuclear weapon. Be gentle, Condi.

 

by graykane
11-28-04
My fellow Americans, I regret to inform you that not only has North Korea's mass production of nuclear weapons & improvement of deployment capabilities threatened the safety...
if not the actual sovereignty of this great nation, but my ass has not recovered enough from the last US-led invasion for us to do anything about it. Therefore, I happily resign. This shit aint fun.
Next on Survivor, who will be our next President? Will it be Spankling, or Marey Carey?
If you win, make me your Secretary of State.

 

by graykane
11-29-04
Whoa! Have I been asleep? Where am I?
You're in "The Village." It's like purgatory for retirement: it's where everyone goes before retiring. Some people never leave. Some people die here.
Excellent.
Don't you want to know why this is happening to you? You were an agent. Everybody was an agent. Everybody had a mission in life. You, #347, have abandoned yours, so you ended up here for questioning.
Where are you going? You cannot escape.
Excellent.

 

by graykane
11-29-04
Dude, I was so tired I was re-tired. Excellent.
Whoa! What the fuck is that?! Groovy.
We are the Rovers. You cannot escape, #347. You are detained for questioning.
This is so cool.

 

by graykane
11-29-04
He's so chipper. I mean most people become scared, distrusting, or even paranoid and try to escape. This guy is quite content. It kind of creeps me out, if you know what I mean.
Do you think that maybe agent #347 didn't abandon his mission? Do you think he faked aborting his mission in order to complete it here with us? Does his mission have to do with us?
You sound scared, distrusting, or even a little paranoid.
I have to try to escape.
Lower your voice. He might hear us through this curtain.
I say we kill him.

 

by graykane
11-29-04
#347, we'd like for you to make yourself comfortable in our village. Feel free to cohort with the locals.
Cool.
Even galavant with the women.
Excellent.
Aha, we're getting somewhere.
Perhaps you'd like to take up a hobby or an occupation.
Lame.

 

by graykane
11-29-04
Yeah, so anyway, #262 and I went out for coffee the other night, and he said to me, "I gave up on my dream of being the online comic cup moderator because, well, the comics this year weren't so good."
I love comic cup moderators, but I've never understood the behind-the-scenes of it all. I'm sure it's not easy. You don't happen to know anything about it, do you? I think moderators are sexy.
I couldn't get anything out of him.
I could, just not information. I need to take a shower.

 

by graykane
12-04-04
My girlfriend doesn't like discussing butt plugs at the dinner table.
In fact, she doesn't like discussing them at all.
I mean what a tight ass.

 

by graykane
12-04-04
Whenever I start a conversation about blowjobs, my girlfriend won't open her mouth.
Yeah, she's pretty tight-lipped when it comes to the topic of sex.

 

by graykane
12-05-04
I like your idea for your Faulkner paper, but I really think you should explore the mythos angle, especially since you're lacking in secondary sources.
aiyle doothat,maiferrend! gee, ai jus cant get fuccus now congress takethmaiy yerloo jackkets away, up, up, & away ther the go. bye bye.
Why don't you get some sleep before you try to finish that paper.
justoo mur dais luft then slep not befer got tafinnish Faulkner befer i get to mai Chaucer pepper. it's due toodais frem now. no ress ferda wickkaad, & tinite i praxis wicca.
Okay. Get the other halucinations ready. As soon as the elephant makes his exit, we charge the room to theme music of The Great Space Coaster.
"The Great Space Coaster, Come aboard, the Great Space Coaster, we'll explore... the kind of rides and fantasies..."

 

by graykane
12-07-04
Augustine says "lying angels" act as earthly priests falsifying morality. Kant claims that a socially normal person can't differentiate between highest good & demonic evil.
Kierkegaard says ethical appeals to universal truth can tempt a person away from God's plan. Nietzsche suggests bypassing social conceptions of good and evil in order to draw closer to truth.
Heidegger locates the greatest potentiality for being in the experience of alienation. Lacan says that to be free we must move past socially imposed limits into a state of schizophrenia.
Derrida proposes that all structures, both psychological & governmental, falsify their stability on an essentially empty claim.
Dante illustrates a movement through hell in order to find heaven.
This way, guys. We're almost there... Damn this was easy.

 

by graykane
12-07-04
No White Kids Were Molested During the Making of This PSA
So remember, kids. Not all puppets are the same. Learn from Darkie Lolita's mistake, and avoid any puppet extending from a raincoat, even if it's presented to you by a member of your family.
Thanks, Grand Wizard!

 

by graykane
12-12-04
my female dog (aka, the bitch) has long hairs dangling from her vagina. she pisses through them. it's like her penis.
my dog's vagie hair.
hey, siegfried. i carry a little piece of the american flag with me everywhere i go. constipated? regime change with colon blow.
in the winter, when she urinates, it turns into a vagsicle.

 

by graykane
12-14-04
Happy Birthday, Mom.
Say it again, only this time like you mean it.
Why do you have to turn holidays and your birthday into guilt trips?
You call me out of obligation, not love.
I'm the only one left from your family that you haven't pushed away completely.
You never could take a hint.

 

by graykane
12-14-04
Mom, since I just finished coursework in the PhD program, I have five months to study 150 books in preparation for my comprehensive oral examinations.
I want you to spend Christmas with me in the Abbey of Gethsemani.
Okay, but I have to read a book per day, which means I'm going to have to spend most of my time reading there.
An Abbey is for meditation, to escape such earthly distractions. You're not allowed to read anything but Thomas Merton.
Thomas Merton?
Thomas Merton, Thomas Merton, Thomas Merton!

 

by graykane
12-14-04
Hey, where's my room? I need to get settled. You know: cloister myself with Thomas Merton or something. Basically, I need to hide.
Welcome to the Abbey of Gethsemani. Our schedule is very lenient. We have service every hour. These services are optional should one instead prefer to engage in some of the Abbey's chores.
Chores?
Cooking, cleaning, bathroom duty, etc. We all contribute to keeping the Abbey running as smooth as...
As smooth as Baby Jesus's ass?
I think you need to go to the service.

 

by graykane
12-14-04
You've been caught with a fake Bible during mass. The choir boys tell me you had a copy of Faulkner's Absalom Absalom bound in the Holy Bible's leather cover.
Faulkner illuminates aspects from 2 Samuel, which was the subject of today's sermon. Don't worry, Father. I choose what I read in order to best inform the service.
Yesterday in mass I read Shakespeare's Measure for Measure. "For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." Matthew 7:2
Don't worry about me, Padre. I'm merely consulting secondary sources.

 

by graykane
12-20-04
It has come to my attention that many Americans believe Rumsfeld should have resigned after the Abu Ghurab prison scandal.
And I know he implimented the Pentagon's "stop-loss" policy that prohibits soldiers from leaving after the completion of their contracts.
I am aware that he inadequately equipped soldiers with armor & then misstated that such supplies were manufactured at maximum production levels.
I realize he still fails to order an increase in armor production such that local communities have taken up the slack with Adopt a Sniper & other programs.
No Punchline Necessary, the Truth Is Kooky Enough
I understand Rumsfeld decided not to personally sign condolence letters to the families of troops who have died.
But hey, beneath that rough and gruff no-nonsense demeanor is a good human being who cares deeply about the military and the grief that war causes.

 

by graykane
12-21-04
There can be only one.
Make your move.
I am.
I noticed.
Your Sloth Style is no match for my Wrath of Legless Dog.
I see you fail to recognize subtle variations. Take a good look at my pinky. I have transposed into The Slug.

 

by graykane
12-27-04
People got the whole zombie movement all wrong. When we started converting ordinary law-biding citizens into anarchists, it was supposed to be a revolution.
Oh, I thought you were just a generation of ruthlessly insatiable consumers, like the "me generation."
No. Look at what we were doing: walking away from our jobs & overturning the money tables. Yet all we managed to do was to inspire an entirely new commerce. The revolution got co-opted.
Interesting. So you inverted the sequence. First you resurrected the dead, then you overturned the money tables. You see we tried it the other way around.
Did you have any better luck?
No. Not really. Lots of literary allusions. A few movie contracts. Tax-free buildings. But you know you almost really did something when you get tax deductions.

 

by graykane
12-27-04
It's like cracking a wallnut & chasing the pieces across the table. And I thought shellfish took too much effort. Sheesh!

 

by graykane
12-28-04
OK. I got here as fast as I can. Now what's got you all freaked out?
Yesterday, I saw on an episode of COPS an officer take away a child from a family because their apartment was messy, but not even as messy as my apartment.
I'm the one with a child, not you, so what's the problem?
Yeah, but I date kind of young. What if they try to take Carole away from me?

Showing page 6.

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