All comics by ivytheplant

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by ivytheplant
12-15-03
Why are you grinning at me like that?
*grin grin grin grin*
What can be so exciting at 4am?--oh no....
*grin grin grin grin*
Great. Another day of not getting anything done.
SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW!!!!!!

 

by ivytheplant
12-15-03
I love Stargate...
"Teal'c looked, I looked, it grabbed my head I passed out, I came to, we're here, we're home, can we go?"
It's so thought-provoking...
"We had a lovely time! Carter picked up some naquadah. Teal'c made friends, as usual. Daniel got engaged! I'm gonna hit the shower."
Not to mention the cast is freaking hot!
"Teal'c, look scary and take point."

 

by ivytheplant
12-16-03
What's up?
Your crazy ex-neighbor is messaging me again.
Oooo! Neat! What's she saying?
Other than talking herself in circles...
...she's decided that I'm really you in disguise.
Y'know, it's amazing how many secret lives I lead. I should go work for the CIA.

 

by ivytheplant
12-16-03
So, Ivy, why do you like Product A better than Product B?
Because Product B blows chunks...
That's fascinating! Back to--
It tastes like it was made with pig vomit and charred to imperfection by a horde of rampaging blind Cajun chefs who don't know--
Ten minutes later...
--your mother!!!
Well...uh...that's...um...a VERY descriptive reason. Several...descriptive reasons...So you see folks! Product A is way better than Product B!!

 

by ivytheplant
12-16-03
For the comfort of my readers, Penguinese will be translated in these strips.
{What's with all the activity?}
Oh, you're back. I'm getting ready to go to Fort Collins for a day of unrepentant shopping.
{Sounds exciting.}
Am I forgetting anything?
{Pants.}
Right, I do need pants.

 

by ivytheplant
12-17-03
*gasp* You've gone almost a day without making an SC??? Are you ok??
I know, I know. I've been trying but I keep drawing a blank.
That's a really lame attempt.
Sheesh. Who are you to General Eyes?

 

by ivytheplant
12-18-03
"New and Improved Girls Gone Wild! Real Girls take to the beaches--"
*raises top*
WOOOO!!
What the hell? "Real girls?" Of course they're real! What do they expect, synthetic?
"--call now to order!"
Somewhere in Ohio...
Okay zen. Ze hardvare und zoftvare eez completed. Now all ve haf to do eez cover ze body in zynzetic skin und zend to Budget Porn, Inc for vork.
Wooooo!

 

by ivytheplant
12-19-03
Thank you for calling Terrorist Supply, Inc. How may I help you?
I'm looking for a doomsday device. It's a gift for my sister.
Well, we have Weapons of Mass Destruction, heavy arms, biological weapons...
I'm looking for something a little more...classy. Like death rays.
Oh, you want World Domination, LLC. We at Terrorist Supply, Inc. just go for the blanket destruction.
Cool. Thanks.

 

by ivytheplant
12-19-03
Thank you for calling World Domination, LLC. How may I help you?
I'm looking for a doomsday device. It's a gift for my sister.
You've come to the right place. What type of Doomsday Deviceâ„¢ are you interested in?
What do you have?
We have Death Raysâ„¢, all sorts of monsters, various Godlikeâ„¢ powers, Hyp-No Raysâ„¢, Mind Control devices...Pretty much anything you need.
Oh man...this is gonna be tough!

 

by ivytheplant
12-19-03
Maybe I can help you, sir. Tell me a little more about your sister.
Let's see...she's wanted to rule the world from an early age, she seceded from the United States a few years ago to form her own country, and she's memorized all the Evil Overlord lists.
Ahhh...excellent. Does she have an Evil Sidekickâ„¢?
She has three cats.
Based on her level of expertise and feline affiliation, we recommend the Advanced Overlordâ„¢ package. It comes with three Doomsday Devicesâ„¢ and an Evil Kitty Lairâ„¢ for up to 12 cats.
Oooo! Sounds perfect!

 

by ivytheplant
12-19-03
So how much will this cost?
We have various pricing plans. The Advanced Overlordâ„¢ package pricing is as follows: $25 billion US, 1400 bars of gold bullion, or 23 relatively untainted souls.
I'll pay by soul.
...You HAVE 23 relatively untainted souls?
I started a collection when I was younger. Thought they'd come in handy some day.
Thank you, SIR! For paying by soul, your sister will get a lifetime membership in our Evil Overlord Clubâ„¢, free of charge. She'll receive discounts on our products and a small island in the Pacific.

 

by ivytheplant
12-19-03
All right, sir, we have you down for the Advanced Overlordâ„¢ package. That comes with a standard Death Rayâ„¢, Mind-Control Deviceâ„¢, and De-Lux Interocitorâ„¢.
Excellent.
Also included is the Evil Kitty Lairâ„¢, which is an evil, yet tasteful, full-featured accomodation for up to 12 cats and a complimentary lifetime membership in the Evil Overlord Clubâ„¢.
Can you giftwrap it?
Certainly, sir. And it will arrive in time for Christmas. We at World Domination, LLC thank you for your order. Have a lovely holiday.
No, thank YOU. This is gonna be the best Christmas EVER!

 

by ivytheplant
12-19-03
Forgive me, father, for I have sinned.
Tell me, my child.
I have lain with the demons and given my soul in exchange for worldly goods.
That sounds terrible indeed, but please, be more specific.
I spent $43 at Wal-Mart.
Say 23 Hail Marys, return the items, and shop at KMart.

 

by ivytheplant
12-19-03
So I bought this vinyl-bound diary at the dollar store. I really didn't need it, but I couldn't resist buying it for the bad translations.
"High Class Notebook. Adoption 70 pound ivory the woodfree. Paper is refined. Write the fluent to not and easily permeate. It is refined to really imitate the skin."
"Made in China" indeed.

 

by ivytheplant
12-19-03
I previously said "High Class Notebook. Adoption 70 pound ivory the woodfree. Paper is refined. Write the fluent to not and easily permeate. It is refined to really imitate the skin."
However, my arrogant Western ways assumed a spelling of certain words and I was not correct.
The label doesn't say "permeate." It's says "permeaee."

 

by ivytheplant
12-21-03
Wow. You look like crap. What the hell happened?
I'm trying to prepare myself for visiting my family for two weeks.
Awww. Don't sweat it, you'll be all packed in time.
It's not the packing that's worrying me.
Oh?
It's the two weeks with my family I'm worried about.

 

by ivytheplant
12-21-03
What are you staring at?
I'm going to miss all you kitties while I'm gone!
Uhoh...I think she's getting ready to attack me.
Come here, Anubis. I need to snuggle you.
I just bathed!
You'll miss tummy rubs when I'm gone!

 

by ivytheplant
12-21-03
So when are you getting here?
The 22nd.
Can you get here sooner?
Sorry. I've got finals, parties, and I need a day to pack and clean. Why?
Mom and Jim are driving me fucking NUTS!!!
Don't yell at me. You chose to be there a week before I did. I refuse to feel sorry for people who willingly place themselves in such a position.

 

by ivytheplant
12-21-03
You rang?
I need you to read my list of stuff to pack so I can doublecheck I have it all ready.
Shoes? Socks? Pants? Toothbrush? Toothpaste?
Check. Check. Check. Check. Check.
Uranium oxide...what the--?
Say anything and I will be forced to take drastic measures.

 

by ivytheplant
12-21-03
I'm so annoyed. I have to travel to Mom's while we're getting so close to the 200,000 strip.
Why is this a problem?
I won't have a chance at all to attempt to get it.
I don't understand what the big deal is.
Just another way my family interferes with the natural order of my life.
You whine too much. I'm going to bat a few mousies under the fridge.

 

by ivytheplant
12-28-03
Breakfast the first day...
Katy! Time for breakfast! What do you want with your eggs?
I'm fine. I'll just have some fruit and a cup of yogurt. I really don't eat breakfast much.
*Note: Cowboy = Jim, mom's husband.
Are you a vegetarian?
Of course. That burger I scarfed down yesterday was from McDonald's so it doesn't really count as meat.
Don't be a smart-ass. *sucks down a plateful of bacon grease*
Pardon me. I need to go vomit now.

 

by ivytheplant
12-28-03
Later that morning...
Mom said you want me to move my car.
Well, I can't say it's really me that wants it. If you'd prefer not having a gash across the driver's side, caused by a dump truck full of sand, then you might want to move it to a safer locale.
You could have just said "yes."
Well, if you recall, I did suggest that the car be moved last night, to avoid such time-wasting discussions like we are having now.
At this point I wandered off to move my car.
No you didn't.
Well, if you're so sure of that, then you shouldn't be too worried about where your car currently resides...

 

by ivytheplant
12-29-03
This is my girlfriend, the blonde. I mean...Rachel...
Hey.
Nice to meet you.
You can never defeat me!
Ack! Leggo!
I'd better keep my distance from those two...

 

by ivytheplant
12-29-03
I'm going to work. Don't make a mess.
I promise, mom.
Rachel and I are going to go do some geocaching.
Have fun. (geocaching...riiiight!)
Alone at last! Hello lover!
Connecting to AIM...

 

by ivytheplant
12-30-03
December 24...
Okay everybody! Ready to go!?
Go? Where are we going?
We're going on a hike with Burnetta, Steve, Adam, Aaron, Joanna, her parents...
Oh yay. A hike. Thanks for notifying me ahead of time.
Ann and Carl Jones, Judy Loving, Alex, Atilla, Rick...
Christ woman! Is this a hike or an invasion?

 

by ivytheplant
12-30-03
So...Think you're up for this?
An unannounced hike on Christmas Eve with 20 people I've either never met or barely know after having driven 1,000 miles? Why wouldn't I be?
Well, if you don't think you're able to make the hike--
Oh it's not that I can't make it.
What then?
I just don't want to.

 

by ivytheplant
12-30-03
Okay Everyone!! Are we READY!?
Yee-HAW!
So I sez to Mabel, I sez...
*pant pant drool drool bark excitedly pee everywhere*
Now would be a good time for that Decepticon attack...

 

by ivytheplant
12-30-03
Later, at the 3/4 mile mark...
Hey Ivy. The rest of the group is heading out.
That's nice...
Um...are you coming?
Have you ever noticed the trees talking to each other?
Riiiight. I think I'll just catch up with the rest of them.
Yes! My plan worked! Now I will go back to the car, hotwire it, and drive to a movie, leaving everyone stranded! Mwah ha ha ha haaa!

 

by ivytheplant
12-30-03
Ahhh...what a lovely day.
Toll bridge.
Hey cute little mousie.
I'm a squirrel.
Um...trapped in a mousie's body?
No. I'm a stand-in. Kaddar hasn't drawn any squirrels yet.

 

by ivytheplant
12-30-03
So what's up with the toll bridge?
It's a standard requirement for people like you before entering our domain.
Like me?
People who talk to animals and plants with full expectation of them talking back.
I knew my insanity would pay off some day.
Think of it as a valuable life skill for post-apocalyptic survival.

 

by ivytheplant
12-30-03
All I have for the toll is some shiny rocks and a uranium marble.
Ah, uranium. Excellent. Our supply is running low.
If it's such a valuable skill, then why do I have to pay a toll?
Membership dues. Need to pay for the newsletter somehow.
Dare I ask what the newsletter is printed on?
Human skin. We love the irony.

 

by ivytheplant
12-30-03
Why do I have a feeling I just went through an interdimensional rift?
Let me introduce you to the group.
I am not a mindless killing machine...
So then I sez to Mabel I sez...
Shark?
Damn you Kaddar!

 

by ivytheplant
12-30-03
Well, I have to leave you now. I trust you'll be able to find your way back easily.
Yup. I'll just follow the interdimensional rifts back to the car.
Please don't mention this excursion to anyone else.
No prob. You showed me more fun than hiking with that noisy group.
Tell me about it. After they leave, I'm in charge of the clean-up crew.
Bill the expenses to mom's husband. He's too clueless to understand finances anyway.

 

by ivytheplant
12-30-03
Back at the departure point.
There you are! I've been worried sick!
I'm touched that my absence was noticed through all the chaos.
Well, what did you do the whole time?
I communed with nature.
Um...okay...
The trees wish to speak with you about that new clearing. I told them you were free on Friday.

 

by ivytheplant
12-31-03
At the federal building where Mom works...
I just smuggled uranium into the federal building!
I really don't want to know that.
They scanned my bag and never noticed it or the suspicious-looking metal container I carried it in. Didn't even search it.
I said I really don't want to know.
I'm going to see what else I can bring in.
What part of "I really don't want to know" don't you understand?

 

by ivytheplant
12-31-03
Jonny and Rachel arrive at the federal building...
I accidentally smuggled live shotgun shells into the building.
I didn't hear that.
I didn't even know I had them! But I put them in the little basket by the detector and the guards never noticed!
Not hearing this!
Cool! Between the two of us, we can make a dirty bomb!
LALALA! Not listening! LALALA! Job security intact! LALALA!

 

by ivytheplant
1-01-04
Good morning dear sister! Happy New Year!
Really? Hrm. Time flies I guess.
You didn't know it was New Year's?
I don't subscribe to the human construct of "time."
This probably explains why you're always running late.
There you go again with this "time" obsession.

 

by ivytheplant
1-02-04
AAARRRGGGHHH!!!!
??
It's 75 degrees outside!
So? It's Arkansas.
It's JANUARY!! Not even the south is THIS warm! I think it's portents of doom!
Bitch bitch bitch. You Yankees are such wusses.

 

by ivytheplant
1-02-04
While oot and aboot...
Nice day isn't it? Warm and sunny!
Doesn't it bother you that it's 75 degrees in JANUARY!?
Well, missy, you should be thankful for nice weather. 'Fore long it will drop to 40 and then you'll wish for nicer weather.
Where I live, the winter gets to -40 F. I spit upon your 40F.
I shore do like our winters better'n yours.
Where I live, summer is 60-75 with no humidity. When your AC dies from the strain this summer, call me so I may mock you.

 

by ivytheplant
1-05-04
Google Ads found on my recent comics...
Dirty Bomb Detector - Protect yourself from invisible danger. Small clip-on device $139.
Terrorist Hunter - Buy the terrorism book Now at 30% off.
They found me!
Radiation Detectors - Detection devices and Homeland Security products by Safer America

 

by ivytheplant
1-07-04
Popular bumpersticker...
God is my copilot. Is He yours?
I didn't know I needed one.
Seen on a church bulletin board...
If God is your copilot, switch seats.
Um...okay...
Taken to the next level...
But officer! God was piloting the car!
Riiight. Well, tell "God" he needs to learn how to steer.

 

by ivytheplant
1-11-04
Day one...
You were gone for 3 weeks. We're mad at you.
Can't...move... from...bed...
Ten minutes later...
We forgive you. Feed us.
Of course...

 

by ivytheplant
1-12-04
Is the computer free?
Not for another week.
Um...
I'm checking my university email. There's 15,295 messages to be retrieved. All spam.
Well, you haven't checked it since last May. Hardly surprising.
Amusingly, one spam is titled: "Don't be scared. Are you afraid of your mailbox?" In all honesty, I can say yes. Yes I am scared of 15,295 spam messages.

 

by ivytheplant
1-12-04
I'm Ivy's brother. I don't really look this geeky, but she said something about little brothers being fair game.
I'm Atheist Diary. Everyone knows me already.
I don't really live here, but Ivy needs someone to talk to.
In fact, the only people that lives with Ivy is her 3 cats. *coughcrazycatladycough*
Yeah, but on SC you are trapped here so go get me some cat treats before I make short work of your pants.
Yes Mr. Anubis, SIR!

 

by ivytheplant
1-12-04
Check email...
Spam, spam, spam...
I didn't know you subscribed to Erectile Dysfunction Monthly.
It's SPAM!!

 

by ivytheplant
1-12-04
Ivy, why is lumber covering every available space?
I'm unloading the car from my trip.
That doesn't explain the lumber.
Dad gave it to me before I left. It's his way of expressing love.
Your family is very odd.
You should meet the dead ones. They're REALLY odd.

 

by ivytheplant
1-12-04
Note: Apologies for the netspeak, but I needed the space. Normally I wouldn't stoop that low. Tell Brad to make subject lines bigger so I won't have to do it again.
So what are you planning on doing with all this lumber?
I was thinking of making an end table with built-in shelving unit.
Ooo! I love a woman who can handle big tools!
I'm just glad Dad gave me a power saw for Giftmas.
Excuse me, I think I left my courage in the other room.
Why do men always get nervous when women get sharp objects?

 

by ivytheplant
1-12-04
Is that boron-10 in your radiation shield or are you just happy to tamper me?
Uh...tamper...I guess...
Is that a beryllium reflector lining in your Hohlraum or are you just happy to case me?
Case? You mean like ogle?
Is that pentane in your polystyrene foam or are you just happy to impregnate me?
I thought you didn't want kids.

 

by ivytheplant
1-12-04
You know that show, The Simple Life? Where Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie whore themselves out to an Arkansas farm family who are whoring themselves out to Fox?
Meep.
I found out that show was almost filmed in the town where I grew up. Fortunately, the Shipman farm had the sense to refuse Fox's offer.
Meep...?
But the universe couldn't leave well enough alone. In the town where the show WAS filmed (Altus, AR), there's a statue honoring past coal miners. My mother's husband posed for it.
MEEP.

 

by ivytheplant
1-12-04
My favorite cheese:
Year I was born:
What I want to be when I grow up:

Showing page 6.

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