All comics by luminous_luciano

Profile

 

by luminous_luciano
12-20-05
1669: First jury trial in American colonies convicts Marcus Jacobson of insurrection. Penalty: flogging, branding, & slavery.
And he got off rather good I say...! The poor chap...!
You'd say that... and, actually... knowing what happened to my ancestors... I agree!
1987: Passenger ferry Dona Paz & oil tanker Victor collide off Manila; 4000-plus people die.
That is absurd! Nothing this calamitous ever happens when a fairy matches wits with an old thinker... we fairies always outwit them - we never get photographed and nobody gets hurt!
Uh... "Donna"... if that is your name... you misunderstood a little and a lot there... I think... and I ain't no old thinker... and the name ain't Victor either!
1991: CIA task force stamps report on 'openness' as Top Secret.
*Cough* *Cough* But... we were open enough to promptly invade Panama two years ago - once Manuel Noriega was no longer useful to our beloved CIA!
Yeah... true... we did that one right in the open... because WE CAN! Geesh - I am proud to be an American!

 

by luminous_luciano
12-22-05
1981: President Reagan authorizes distribution of 30 million lbs. of surplus cheese to poor; cheese turns out to be moldy.
Hey... it's the intention that counts! Merry Christmas Bill!
Merry Christmas George!
2001: CC the cat, world's first cloned housepet, born at Texas A&M U.
Meow... I'm the first clone! Hissssssssssssssss!
No meow! I'M the first clone! Meowfffffff!
No wonder the world's going down the tubes... we're being born in tubes now too! Even our little kitties!
Time to crank up that BLUE tune - hit it, Eiffel 65! DA-BA-DEE DA-BA-DA... No, not you terrorists!

 

by luminous_luciano
12-23-05
Happy HumanLight! (Created in 2001, HumanLight is the winter holiday for secular humanists.)
Yay! Enlightened Ones only need apply - right?
Do these people actually glow in the dark...?
1917: First North American penal colony established in Virginia.
Hurray - we're the first!
And the BEST!
1888: Vincent Van Gogh cuts off his own ear..
He was NOT having a very merry holiday season... You just can't when you're surrounded by ninnies that alienate you!
His next few self-portraits were decidedly different... but one less ear or not, he was still THE MAN!

 

by luminous_luciano
12-23-05
1947: U. of Tennessee refuses to play Duquesne U. in basketball, because Duquesne has a black player on team.
I can't play...?
1963: Fire on Greek ship Laconia kills 128.
Water, water everywhere... and still not enough to put this out quickly enough...
1987: Charlie Manson faithful Squeaky Fromme, serving a life sentence for an assassination attempt on Prez Ford, escapes prison, somehow...
Uh... one of the worst Christmas "miracles" ever...?

 

by luminous_luciano
12-24-05
1980: Americans remember Tehran hostages by shining lights outside for 417 seconds.
What... the 418th second was the killer? The wind picked up then?
Like America sings so well... "Dust In The Wind... All We Are Is Dust In The Wind!"
1983: Three Bigfoots (er, Bigfeet?) spotted near Prince Rupert, B.C.
They were looking for the Star in the Night Sky...? For the Manger...as well?
Prince Rupert is no Infant Jesus though - hmm... and isn't Rupert a Teddy Bear?
1991: Walter Hudson, weighing 1,025 lbs., dies (not surprisingly) at the early age of 46.
Too bad... he missed out on a hearty Christmas dinner!
Roast Beef, mashed potatoes, vegetables... but no chips now!

 

by luminous_luciano
12-24-05
National Egg Nog Day, today in the U.S.
Gee... I could've sworn it was looking a lot like CHRISTMAS too out there...! Tee-Hee!
Eggs, sugar, heavy cream, rum, whiskey & nutmeg - the perfect ingredients for BOTH... hmm... skip everything and pass the rum - PLEASE!
1973: Ferry capsize off Ecuador - kills 200.
Why is it that there's a capsization, a sinking and a sizeable death toll for almost EVERY OTHER DAY ON THE CALENDAR? Are they doing that... like... ON PURPOSE?!?
Hmm... Well... Everybody is always shooting for number one - they all want to be the Titanic, I suppose... keep on cruising... keep on trying... I guess?!?
And... oh yeah... CHRIST may have been born on this date, roughly 2000 years ago... although the exact date does not matter as much as the fact that HE WAS BORN!
The light is born again. The light will return! Resurrection of life within its eternal circle!
Yule was too abstract with just "the light" anyway... MERRY CHRISTMAS!

 

1909: Mysterious lighted airship passes silently over Norwich, CT.
ANYONE can leave the lights on... It's been almost 100 earthling time units - and you'll never forgive me for that... huh?
No.
by luminous_luciano, 12-25-05

 

by luminous_luciano
12-26-05
1969: S.S. Badger State explodes and sinks in the North Pacific.
See? Down goes another one... A sinking a day keeps the tragedy level of the news high...?
And in boxing news... uh... Muhammad Ali is the greatest...?!? I wouldn't know, really - I don't follow boxing!
1979: USSR invades Afghanistan.
It's okay - they're comrades... right?
Yeah... right!
1991: The gun Jack Ruby used to kill alleged JFK assassin Lee Harvey Oswald in 1963 is sold at an auction for $220,000.
See... it doesn't pay to do the crime... but it pays to auction off the weapon that was used to commit the crime!
Yeah... boxing Harvey would not have been as profitable - nor as satisfying!

 

by luminous_luciano
12-26-05
1913: Devil's Dictionary author (and wickedly witty guy) Ambrose Bierce disappears. Forever.
He went straight to HECK! He went straight to HELL! He did head for Mexico, you know...!
He HAD SAID that he was off to seek "the good, kind darkness." That old 71 year-old gringo - he was wacko!
1996: Six-year-old beauty-pageant queen JonBenet Ramsey found dead in the basement of her family's Boulder, CO home. Killer(s) never apprehended...
Santa did it! I saw him break in here... Get him!
What he said...
2003: Iranian quake kills 5,000, injures 30,000.
That was nothing - a year later, it was Boxing Day Tsunami! 9.0 seaquake off Sumatra causes huge waves that wipe out coastal areas from Indonesia to Africa, killing 300,000!
Conclusion: tsunamis are more than ten times as efficient as earthquakes! We dump in the sea... that time, the sea dumped back - in a fury! Yikes...

 

by luminous_luciano
12-26-05
Boulder, Colorado...
I did it, eh? I DID IT?!? Those are SERIOUS CHARGES THERE PAL! HEY - I'M TALKING TO YA! Get back here, Ramsey!!!
I'm outta here...
I'm a slut? I'M THE SLUT?!? WHAT ABOUT YOU - HUH? YOU'RE THE ONE MAKING VIDEOS OF ALL OF YOUR EXXXPLOITS!!! NOT ME!!!
No comment... talk to my agent... you envious bitch! No signed copy for you - there! Poo! Shoo! Woooooooooo!
St. Petersburg, Russia...
This customer is complaining that the air is unbreathable in here!
Uh... not true... uh... I gotta ask my supervisor what to say next... one second please!

 

by luminous_luciano
12-27-05
1947: 'Howdy Dowdy' debuts on TV. (And I wonder why...!!!)
Hello Kids! Uh... so... what are we gonna do to entertain those brats now?
Educate them? If possible... Make them laugh? At themselves - hopefully!
1985: Gorilla savior Dian Fossey found murdered in Rwanda. She is missed.
Who will feed us the bananas now? Not that she really liked US much - the best ones went to the gorillas! WE got the scraps!
Yeah... us and the bonobos sure did! What was wrong with that chick - didn't she read Pierre Boulle's book...?
1992: Harry Connick, Jr., nabbed carrying a gun at JFK International Airport.
I don't need a gun - I point my finger at people - and it does the trick! I am SOMEBODY...!
Nice try, Harry... You didn't sing that - Billy Idol did!

 

by luminous_luciano
12-27-05
1836: An avalanche? In England? Yep, near Lewes, Sussex - and it kills eight people.
Ewwww... That sux! Tee Hee... Get it? Lewes, Sussex...! Hmm... ok... I tried!
Eight people dead? Eight people too many - sure... but AVALANCHES SURE ARE NO TSUNAMIS!
1899: Soon to be famed Christian temperance zealot Carry Nation makes first destructive raid, trashing a saloon in Medicine Lodge, KS.
And if you don't like it - boo-hoo! POO ON YOU! Jesus Likes It!
Be Blessed
1978: Spain reborn as democracy today after a 40-year dictatorship.
Mi corazon... La Corrida... La Isla Bonita... uh... Habla espanõl? Me, NO! And I don't know many song titles in "espanõl" either!!! Tee-Hee!
Democratic Spaniards... sheesh... who knew, eh? Generalissimo Francisco Franco would NOT be proud!

 

by luminous_luciano
12-28-05
1969: The only festive season in history that all is quiet and nothing is stirring, not even a mouse (underwater?) in AQUAMAN's house...!
Hey - you're not the little mermaid...!
No... and yes; it was a MERRY MERA and HAPPY AQUA bad then... they've been caught in a few whirlpools since then...
1976: Aboriginals spot a USO -- Unidentified Sea Object - some 90 feet long, off Coomlieyna Beach, in South Australia.
When Aboriginals and Aliens Collide... what happens? Are the end results as sad as when Europeans discovered the Americas?!?
HEY - we like to take a swim too... OKAY? Don't dare insult us and compare our species to Euros... EVER! Y'hear me? Or I'll zap ya!
1983: In druken stupor, Beach Boy Dennis Wilson falls off docked boat and promptly drowns in Marina del Rey, CA.
Where are those Kokomo Girls when you really need them... eh?
That's what you get after combining a surfeit of California Dreaming with Tequila...

 

by luminous_luciano
12-28-05
December 27, 1906: Perpetually depressed actor Oscar Levant, who will make a career of parading neuroses on the late-night talk-show circuit, is born.
Is that why winning an OSCAR © is nice - but it doesn't win you happiness?
Mister Levant was funny with his sad face routine...!
December 28, 1908: 80,000 people killed in Messina, Italy earthquake.
That'll teach them to name the place after Messalina... GOD would have no gripes with them if they had named the town after... say... Agrippina?
Just to be on the safe side - go with Clare... of my all-time fave - Santa Lucia!
December 28, 1937: Maurice Ravel, whose Bolero will serve as backdrop for more sexual encounters than the entire works of Barry White, dies with a smile on his face.
And the silly loons on www.twistedhistory.com thought he was BORN on this date...
That is called MIS- INFO- RMATION!

 

by luminous_luciano
12-29-05
1173: Thomas A. Beckett is murdered on the orders of Henry II, in Canterbury Cathedral.
The Canterbury Tales didn't relate THAT...! Howcome...?
Me, I'd still rather know about the Caramilk secret...
1890: U.S. 7th Cavalry slaughters 300 Native Americans at Wounded Knee, SD.
Hey - they had a good excuse! The collective knee of America was wounded - it demanded action!
History always repeats itself - today, it's America's ego that's hurt, of course...
1916: 'Mad monk' Grigori Rasputin is poisoned by right-wing Russian patriots, who then riddle him with gunfire...
... and then they throw his body in the river, bury it, and then, after a year has passed, exhume and burn it
They weren't taking any chances... they must have thought that Rasputin was both vampiric and zombie-like...

 

by luminous_luciano
12-29-05
1972: 71 days after their plane crash in Andes Mountains, 14 rugby players are rescued.
Why did Ethan Hawke play the part of the most proactive of them in the movie version... hmm?
They had been subsisting on the flesh of dead passengers - and Ethan is sort of a sapsucker - right Uma?
2003: Semi-invisible 'Home Improvement' neighbor Wilson (actor Earl Hindman) dies.
He will be missed... he gave peeping toms worldwide a role-model!
The peeping, eavesdropping and other butting into people's businesses is over!

 

by luminous_luciano
12-29-05
I... I'm sorry nurse... doctor or no doctor... I can take to the bottle like anybody else... and besides... it's the holidays... where's YOUR X-Mas Cheer?
The X-Men took it! Listen, Einstein - you had to get your patient to sign the waiver papers first - THAT was where your drunken haze REALLY got us in trouble here!!!
Gee... what a horrible nightmare... I was in a bar... dead drunk... and I was hitting on this broad... but she WASN'T a broad...
The thick eyeliner fooled ya... yeah... heard it all before... it WASN'T a nightmare... DUDE! It just happened a mere few seconds ago - before you passed out...
Annnnd... last but not least... our very own author here, who was either so very sleepy or so very drunk the last time he "stripped" here - that he made another boo-boo... ! Tee-Hee... !!!
The result was I said "The peeping, eavesdropping and other butting into people's businesses is over!" When I really meant to say "... butting into other people's business" - of course!

 

by luminous_luciano
12-29-05
Today is feast day of St. Egwin, the Bishop of Worcester ~ judged by the Church to be too harsh with his priests, Egwin left for Rome on penance...
He locked his own feet in shackles and he threw the key into the Avon River! Miraculously, he found the key again - in the belly of a fish he bought at the market once in Rome...!
How lucky can you get... and gee... some fish swallow anything, eh? THANK GOD I'M A CRAB! We don't wind up in lowly markets - usually - we get invited to restaurants!
1903: Fire in Chicago's Iroquois Theater kills 600.
Some people never learn... they don't see the POWER OF GOD AT WORK... the demonstrations of His Grace, as with St. Egwin's key... Dubya's luck... all chances at redemption...
And... basic safety precautions with wiring and lit cigarette buds - RIGHT ON! Now - where are we going to wind up, the cat and me - limbo or purgatory? Hmm&
1947: Green-colored chunk of space debris, dubbed 'Green Dragon Meteor,' explodes over Oregon's Hart Mountain region, showering the area with meteorites...
Wasn't OUR fault...
What - are you saying it's OURS...?!? This calls for yet another WAR OF THE WORLDS!

 

December 31st, 1972: Baseball star Roberto Clemente is killed in a plane crash.
December 31st, 1985: Singer Rick(y) Nelson is killed in a plane crash.
December 31st, 1997: Michael Kennedy (son of RFK) is killed... skiing into a tree.
Hey - you get them any which way you can! I got one of the sons of a Canadian Prime minister that way too...
Forget "Final Destination" flicks... these are real-life ULTIMATE DESTINATIONS! On the ULTIMATE DAY OF THE YEAR TOO! YIKES !!!

 

1994: Presidential nephew George P. Bush breaks into ex-girlfriend's Miami home. Ex's daddy not amused; calls the cops...
Like uncle... like nephew?
Thank Heavens Dubya didn't have a son!
2000: A Guwahati, India man climbs a tree to escape an elephant stampede but is pulled down by a pachyderm, which kills him & keeps the corpse for the next two weeks...
... bathing it & refusing to allow villagers near!
Super! Way cool!Pachyderm Power - activate!
1934: Two days (counting Dec 31st 1933) of heavy rain flood the Los Angeles Basin, killing forty-five and leaving walls of debris up to ten feet high...
That sure as heck WASN'T a "White Christmas" - like, AT ALL! It was a... soaking wet drenched soggy Christmas if you ask me!
Followed by a moldy New Year... but it got worse... of course... five years later - BANG! WORLD WAR TWO! Can't beat THAT! Well... maybe... with No.3...!

 

1994: Yitzhak Rabin, Yasser Arafat, F.W. de Klerk and Nelson Mandela are honored to be chosen Time's Men of the Year.
Ewwwww... talk about the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse - on the cheap side! Who were the 4 Women of the Year, I wonder?
At least the F.W. was De Clerk... and not the other F.W. - Murnau! Post-humously? Time loses track of time quite often, y'know...
2002: Mercer, PA, swears in a 19-year-old mayor... Liberty resides in Pennsylvania... that big old rusty bell sure does... and maybe, given time, anarchy will too... one day? It's on its way...
But... I'm the mayor...!
Very funny, kid... some I.D. please...
2003: As of today, you can be banned from city buses in Portland, Oregon - if you smell bad...
This sucks! Or rather - this stinks! Tee-Hee! What is this - aren't we in the land of the free - and home of the brave enough NOT to bath...? HA HA HA HA HA !!!
No more puns such as "Portland Portly Sweathogs" or "Oregon Hoars" now - this new legislation renders them obsolete! Hmm... or do they?

 

Not... baiting you or anything *tee-hee* - but you made another boo-boo... you forgot the "e" at the end of "NOT to bathe" on the last strip... and it makes ME look bad, y'know...!
Ok - OK - you little primadonna! You want to renegociate your contract? Is that it? Take it up the doodler who drew you in the first place - me I am only Thy Scripter! And Thou Shall Love No Other!
by luminous_luciano, 1-01-06

 

Don't want to be picky now or anything... but you made another boo-boo... this time, in your own word balloon! You forgot a word...
Arrrrrrghhh !!! SO WHAT, HUH? I'm supposed to be PERFECT HERE - HUH? "Take it up with your doodler" - THERE! Happy now?
You're NOT perfect? But I thought that you were...!
Oh? You did? Cool... Then, Bow To Me - and don't question my Word Anymore! I Have Spoken!

 

Today, January 2nd, is Ancestors' Day or Hero's Day in HAITI...
My ancestors include a bocur, a houngan and a few dozen zombies... Yup, Yup, Yup...
Aren't I proud I married you now... well... trust me, you don't want an answer to that one...
Kakizome in Japan... and Berchtoldstag in Switzerland...
It is our old custom that we do special New Year calligraphy on January 2... as if it wasn't hard enough to figure out our freaking alphabet the rest of the year!
That's cute, little girl... here, we have a "high festival day" to hold a drink and to exchange good wishes for the new year. Yeah - we cheat and extend the party!
And, in the Western World, tis the Feast Day of St. Seraphim of Sarov, St. Basil, St. Gregory Nazianzen, St. Munchin, St. Adalhard or Adelard...
...St. Caspar of Bufalo, St. Macarius of Alexandria, St. Vincentian, AND the Holy Name of Jesus!
ALL ON THE SAME DAY! WOW - whoever said that it was just Hell that was getting crowded... eh?

 

1910: Massive flood washes out 100 miles of railroad southwest of Salt Lake City.
Water, water everywhere... and not a drop to drink, eh?
I wonder if that's where they got the name "Salt Lake" from... hmm?
1984: World globe seen in NBC Nightly News intro begins rotating in correct direction, after decades of spinning wrong way.
Well... it's about time... uh... it's news to me... uh... have a pleasant tomorrow... ohh, my head is spinning!
1998: Water main bursts & floods NYC's Fifth Avenue; cars, parking meters, & street signs disappear into 15-foot-deep, curb-to-curb sinkhole.
It gets better: after the water recedes, gas main breaks and a giant plume of fire shoots skyward out of the crater.
'This one's a beaut,' quips the city commissioner. NYC type of beauty, yeah...

 

Jan. 2nd, 1995: Cocaine felon Marion Barry is sworn in as mayor of Washington, D.C.
Ah, yes... NOW I'm on a REAL HIGH...
Is that why you were quoted saying that you'd make the White House "REALLY WHITE NOW"... ?
Healthy competition DOES exist... even for the pricing of unhealthy products...
Hey - MY COKE IS AS GOOD AS YOURS, OK? And I sell for LESS...! WHAT GIVES?!?
I dunno - you not all bright in da head, m'be? What' chu gonna do about it - shoot ME in da head? Huh? HUH? Go ahead! I don't care!
Ultimately, truth be told, it just isn't worth it though...
But I don't do dope...
Yeah, yeah... right... you're as white as snow... rrrrrrright!

 

1920: The Bambino is sold to the Yankees; he is reportedly seen leaving Boston cussing and cursing... or is he?
BAH! I don't believe in curses... Otherwise, mere existence is a curse!
Oooooo - heavy-duty philosophy there, sis! But really now - poor Bambino!
2002: Floridians panic when a skywriter leaves the message 'God is great' in the clouds over Boca Raton; locals think it's a terrorist attack.
Would they panic too if the message was "Miami Vice is back with all-new episodes"...? Tee-Hee... !!
What about that God-Awe-full name "Boca RATON"? Boca... the mouth of the rat?!?
2002: Huh?!? Dubya appoints Zalmy Khalilzad - a former Unocal employee who wrote Washington Post op-eds supporting the Taliban - as special envoy to Afghanistan?!?
Uh... no comment.
?!?

 

1521 - Martin Luther was excommunicated from the Roman Catholic Church by Pope Leo X.
Good Ol' Pope Leo...
Uh... any relation to Malcolm X...?
1777 - General George Washington's army routed the British, led by Lord Cornwallis, in the Battle of Princeton, New Jersey.
Hmmmphhhhh!
Was there ever any doubt... eh?
1947 - U.S. Congressional proceedings were televised for the first time; these were the opening ceremonies of the 80th Congress.
Arrrrgh! There's NEVER anything worth WATCHING on this thing!!! I'm going back into the frying pan!

 

1959 - President Dwight Eisenhower signed a proclamation admitting Alaska to the Union as the 49th state.
And the hunt was on for the 50TH...
I'm surprised it wasn't CANADA!
1961 - The United States broke diplomatic relations with Cuba.
Why act surprised then if Fidel doesn't like us...
I was more shocked by the Soup Nazi's behaviour...
1990 - Ousted Panamanian leader Manuel Noriega surrendered to U.S. forces.
Yay! Another "Great Victory" for "us"...!
Yeah - one more dud we stabbed in the back bowed before our power!

 

106 B.C.E. - (Marcus Tullius) Cicero, Roman statesman. ~ and, in 1624 - William Tucker, the first African-American believed to have his birth recorded in the New World.
Wow... separated at birth, where they? Tee-Hee!
Tullius & Tucker... two turds, eh?
1793 - Lucretia Coffin Mott, American women's rights advocate and founder of the first Women's Rights Convention. ~ and 1892 - J.R.R. Tolkien, British writer of legend.
The only Lucretia I know of is BORGIA!
Your role-model, eh? Ha Ha! J.R.R. - yay!
1967 - Jack Ruby, American who shot accused presidential assassin Lee Harvey Oswald, of cancer in a Dallas hospital.
Or so they say... I say he was killed by the CIA... the FBI... the NSO... the NWO and the UFO - there! Tee-Hee!
Yeah... and they covered it all up as a trivial, run-of-the-mill CANCER... Great detective work there, Sis!

 

Feast day of St. Peter Balsam, St. Bertilia of Mareuil...
Martin Balsam was canonized already? He did suffer much in "Psycho", but...
Never mind... who's Bert-ilia? Bert's mom?
... Feast day of St. Antherus, pope, and St. Genevieve of Genovefa...
They elected an antelope as a pope? WOW... I love anything with antlers but... ain't that the wrong image to project for THIS job...?
Ah... I have no idea how children are welcome in heaven nowadays...
The U.S. Congress assembles today, according to the Constitution of the United States of America, unless a different day is appointed... (DUH!)
Avengers Assemble! Oops - wrong rally call...
Only thing "holy" about it, is that they are a bunch of holier-than-thou a-holes in Congress!

 

January 5th, 1961: ....... "Mr. Ed" debuts.
That's the role of a lifetime... to lend my voice to a TALKING HORSE?!? I am firing my agent...
Network execs were hot on my a$$ to accept this thing - they needed a credible voice! You're it - credible & gullible!
January 5th, 1993: Wesley Allan Dodd becomes 1st person executed by hanging in Washington state since 1965.
Name rings a bell... and the bell tolled for HIS NAME TOO! Tee-Hee!
Let me see now... is he the Golden Age Sandman? No... Silver Age Sandman? The Alternate Sandman of Earth-X?
Jan. 5th, 2002: Determinating Day 2 in the trial of sports dad Thomas Junta who, in 2000, beat his son's hockey coach to death in full view of the kids...
Huh... dad?
Hey - just showing him rulebook NECESSARY ROUGHNESS here - that's all!

 

1988: 5.25 million chickens in Arkansas and in Texas perish in heavy snows...
Yeah - you want to see us all frozen in pieces anyway - so we decided to do it to ourselves! If we're gonna go, we're gonna go OUR way - not yours!
It's OUR breasts - and OUR wings and OUR bodies - we'll freeze them when WE want to! And we're not explaining why we crossed the road either... Screw the Colonel!
1995: While investigating an assassination plot against the Pope (of all people), Philippine police stumble over plans for "Operation Bojinka"...
No - not the Russians! Al-Qaeda! They were to explode 12 American passenger planes over the Pacific Ocean simultaneously...
And they were not to stop there! They aimed to fly more hijacked planes into civilian targets... this 6+ years before 9/11... yup!
1987: America still dazzled by Ronald Reagan's jacking up the national budget to an unheard-of ONE TRILLION dollars...
Mister Reagan was still dressed up as Santa Claus when he took that decision...
He reverts to true Commander-In-Chief form when he's dressed up as Captain America... correct?

 

1941 - President Franklin D. Roosevelt delivered his "Four Freedoms" speech outlining four goals: freedom of speech and expression...
I can say what I want and the way I want to say it!
Right on, mother-f****** a$$-hole dude!
the freedom of people to worship God in their own way...
Huh... where's my Buddha?
freedom from want and freedom from fear...
THE FOUR FREEDOMS OF THE APOCALYPSE! Might as well rechristen them (!) DECEPTION, PESTILENCE, FAMINE and DEATH right there, Delano Dude!!!
Hmm... not sure it works too well Sis... but I get your gist! Sins like Blasphemy, Greed and Sloth seem to follow closely by when these 4 Freedoms hit the Plaza... if you catch MY drift now...!

 

Epiphany (or Twelfth Day) / Feast of the Epiphany.
Is it my time to ascend yet - pleeeeease?
Feast day of St. John de Ribera, St. Erminold, St. Wiltrudis, St. Guarinus.
Drats - I am confusing epiphany with rapture again - aren't I ...
And, in Italy, it's the day of La Befana...
An old hag who does her best Santa Claus impersonation...?
Sorry - not for us!

 

1540 - England's King Henry VIII married his fourth wife, Anne of Cleves -- which lasted 6 months...
Anne of a 1,000 days she was surely NOT! King Henry The Eighth collected wives like I collect Pokémons! Tee-Hee!
Silence peasant! Annes abound in my kingdom - and I gotta get'em all!
1759 - - George Washington and Martha Dandridge Custis were married...
Hip Hip Hip - Hurray! George & Martha ~ Forever! Yaaaaaaaay!!! God Bless America!
The King and Queen of America... eh? And the madness of THIS King George was more carefully hidden... not like the other guy...
2005 --- Steven & Jennifer
Ten bucks it will go as far as... a year? Two at the most... Maybe three, depending in which direction the wind blows... He's no King Henry VIII but he's no King Arthur either...!
Five bucks... I'm not risking a penny more on such highly unpredictable betting subjects... And me, I give it six months!

 

1970: Two Finnish skiers fall ill after being surrounded by a reddish mist and repeatedly hit by electrical sparks emitted from a UFO...
Never liked winter sports... sorry earthling! It's meltdown time!
1974: Belgian motorist sees an UFO land in a field; two odd beings emerge and attempt to communicate with the man before flying off...
Can you believe that doofus of an earthling - he doesn't know which way the sun is!
We learned a valuable lesson today - never to ask directions from an inferior lifeform!
1979: Cambodian butcher Pol Pot is overthrown.
Another failed experiment...
We will make more...

 

1994: Lorena Bobbitt goes on trial for cutting off her husband's penis.
So nice, Weird Al had to make a song about it... partially, about it, that is... or censors would have... cut it off? TEE-HEE!
Aw, come on Sis! CUT IT OUT! HA HA HA! That ain't cutting it... HA HA HA... Okay... CUT! HA HA HA!
2001: Immigration & Naturalization records show two men named Mohammed Atta enter the U.S. via Miami today, bound for different destinations...
Yeah... one went to Allah on 9/11...
And the other went straight to hell...!?
"I think we ought to nuke North Korea right now just to give the rest of the world a warning."
Wingnut poster girl Ann Coulter at it again, today, 2005... Judging from her quote, she'd make a great dictator!
She'd be better at it than Saddam was... and Pol Pot... and Dubya too! Vote for Ann! Tee-Hee!

 

1887: Arizona State Hospital for the Insane opens doors in Phoenix.
Wingnuts are welcome here!
Well... we accept ALL sorts of nuts in here, actually...
1902: Second day since "Public flirting" has been outlawed in New York.
Quite frankly my dear... I don't give a damn... no I really don't...
Are you sure... it seems to be taking its toll on you already... Once a scamp, always a scamp... as they say... !
2004: Freak, 2,000-foot-high tornado whips through U.K.'s Bristol Channel
All Hail The Queen - cause if we don't... we've seen what any one of her sneezes can do! It's on the telly!
As long as it ain't Charles sneezing... but wait a sec - if her sneezes turn into tornadoes... will hailing her give us... HAIL?!?

 

1833: State Lunatic Hospital opens in Worcester, Mass.
Once again, Massachusetts leading the way for AMERI-CAHHH! ... Tee-Hee! ... Lunatics in the Boston area have a home before any other state's nutcases! Hurray for New England Style lunacy!
Yeah - we just celebrated the anniversary of the opening of the Arizona State Hospital for the Insane - and that was only in 1887! Phoenix fools ran amok aimlessly for 52 YEARS... in the desert?
1971: Debut of 'All in the Family' on CBS marks the 1st time that Americans hear the sound of a toilet flush on a sitcom...
Hmm... is that all there is?.............. Tee-Hee!
1991: By a very narrow margin (52-47), Senate gives George H.W. Bush power to send U.S. troops to attack Iraqis in Kuwait.
That is ironic... cause, also on this date, in 2005, the White House announced that the search for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq (the reason DUBYA gave for the war in the 1st place) has ended!

 

The less you know, the more you believe. - -- Bono (who's wrong)
Who's gonna ride your wild horses...? NOBODY - that's who! There's no one there!
I'll zap some belief into you, loud obnoxious noisy earthling!
We have, I fear, confused power with greatness. - -- Stewart L. Udall (right)
I've got the power to make you suffer for countless AGES... padre!
But that doesn't make you great whatsoever - Great Is The Lord My God
Art is made to disturb, science reassures. - -- Georges Braque (wrong)
I went to an art exhibit... it made me so disturbed that I screwed up my experiment!
I know how you feel, dear peer o'mine! Lost your head... or bod rather...

 

1892: Prince Edward, closeted gay royal & unlikely (but frequent) Jack the Ripper suspect, dies of typhoid fever.
My good man... Prince Edward was not... queer like THAT...! He was a gentleman... not THAT gentle a man...! Hell... he drank TEA...!
Jack The Ripper could only have been a manly man... not a mauviette as our French counterparts would say... most correct my dear friend!
1941: Rain of fish falls on Vaucluse, NSW.
"And, meanwhile, underneath the sea..."
Is that what surface dwellers with balloons upfront mean by "it's raining men - aleluia"...?!?
1777: Owww! State of Virginia makes sodomy punishable by castration.
Hmm... naaaah! The thrill of doing something "forbidden" is not worth THAT kind of risk...!!! No way! Then again... that law may no longer be in effect... and she might be secretly asking for it...?
Nahhhh... I gave up on men... I'm strictly into women now! And yup - I read your mind! You're so predictable!

 

January 13, 1930 - The first Mickey Mouse short is released...
Hurray for our side! Yay - Mickey! THE FIRST MICKEY TOO - not Mantle, not Rourke... OUR GENUS IS THE GENIUS that actually prolonged "Mick" trying to... ah... shorten it!
You guys have an inferiority complex about your smallishness... admit it!
MM had been created as a REPLACEMENT... just to keep Disney's company afloat! Big D had originally banked everything on a hot HARE propriety...
Oswald the Lucky Rabbit... ME!
A not-so hot RARE opportunity if you ask ME! Tee-Hee! Disney dude created ya for one Charles Mintz of Universal Studios...
Not surprisingly, Mintz FIRED Disney shortly after Obnoxious Oswald's... ah... introduction!
Oh yeah? It was MISCHIEVOUS MICKEY too - early on in his lousy shorts...!
Disney wanted bigger budgets... Oswald went on to inspire HBO's "OZ" series...

 

That was a HOT PROPERTY... yeah... not a "HOT PROPRIETY"... Tee-Hee!
Although you better have one of the latter too - in the dead of winter...! Up there in "CAN-A-DAH" HA!
by luminous_luciano, 1-14-06

 

1794: First successful caesarian section performed in U.S.
Phew... yeah... I couldn't like... wait to come out and be a part of all the fun stuff... Civil War, World War I and II, Vietnam, Gulf War... IRAQ!
Long Live America - at least you got a heck of a deal on your medical bill... kiddo!
1878: U.S. Supreme Court rules it's OK for railroads to discriminate against black passengers.
Yeah... like... my ancestor tied up your ancestor to the railroad tracks... wanna have similar kinky fun tonight?
Uh... that would be a definitive, radical, unwavering, absolute and firm "NO" to that one... dude.
1981: The FCC dilutes your viewing pleasure by lifting all restrictions on the number of TV ads shown every hour...
Arrrrghhhh!!! And poor Eminem has to lament that "the FCC won't let (him) be" - while they show us THAT...
For the tenth time this hour - we urge you to buy seytannic suppositories!

 

Marilyn Monroe married Joe DiMaggio!
I give it six months...
I see your bet - and I raise you an extra three months...!
Albert Schweitzer was born today - in 1875!
Albert Schweitzer was a German-born theologian, philosopher, musician, and physician who received the Nobel Peace Prize in 1952 - no Einstein, but still a Big Al ! Tee-Hee!
His most important principle, of "Reverence for Life", won many converts over... He was a champion of the Age of Enlightenment - which is why YOU like him so... eh, Luce?
2004: An eBay seller gets 56 bids (the highest nearly $100 million) for 'Entire State of West Virginia' before eBay pulls the plug on this odd auction...
DAMN! I was just closing the deal...! It's not fair!
Sooooooo close... and yet... !

 

They say it so well in that forgotten Richard Benjamin crap on celluloid... "things get bad on Friday the 13th..."
... "but they get REALLY bad on Saturday the 14th" - yeah, yeah... I know... the shit hits the fan, eh? Especially if the fan is watching crappy movies...!!!
I thought Drak would remember only ANOTHER Richard Benjamin stinker... "Love At First Bite"!
Bah... it's a full moon today... right after a Friday The 13th... who knows what's happening in that batty cranium of his...!
We're the 14TH today...
I don't care... tell your buddies to quit being film critics or else... !!

 

1894: Australia's killer babysitter, Frances Knorr, becomes the first of two women hanged in the colony this year...
Babysitting wasn't a career for me...
Not every year that one hears "Dead Woman Walking" - TWICE to boot!
1919: The collapse of a silo full of molasses sends a wave of gooey stuff into the streets of Boston, killing 21 & injuring 150...
ATTAAAACK... OF THE KILLER MOLASSES!
Doesn't have the same ring as the Tomatoes... a ketchup flood would be gorier too...
2004: 17-year-old Mike Rowe, a Canadian, is sued by big bully Microsoft Corp., which demands the teen gives up his Web domain name... MikeRoweSoft.com
Nerds vs nerds - the only place this type of fight can be remotely "interesting" to watch... in a court of "law"... !
Billy doesn't scare me... I can take him!

 

Jean-Baptiste Poquelin, better known as Molière is born - in 1622. And Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. - in 1929.
Alas... they're both dead now anyhow... them too...
1949: The body of Elizabeth Short, a.k.a. The Black Dahlia, is found dismembered, mutilated, & bathed - with raven-black hair shampooed, dyed red & set - in a vacant L.A. lot.
The case will remain unsolved.
2005: Voice of Sonic the Hedgehog (actor Deem Bristow) is silenced.
Xica & Chica's favorite cartoon show...

 

Births And Dates... DATES?!?
DEATHS... man... DEATHS!!!
by luminous_luciano, 1-15-06

Showing page 6.

« Previous Next »