All comics by niteowl

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by niteowl
12-17-03
Shall we sing a christmas carol?
Sure!
♫ mmm... ♫
♫ mmm... ♫
♫ Christmas is here... ♫
♫ nice frosty beer... ♫

 

by niteowl
12-17-03
What would we use to oil that little bitch up with?
We could use-
I know what you're thinking, don't say it...
Soy sau...
Ok, how about Mazola?

 

by niteowl
12-17-03
I understand you want a raise, cthulhu.
Yes sir, I do.
Tell me what you've done for us lately here at Hell, Inc.
Have you heard how crappy pop music is today? How about that war up there? I've done well I think.
Saddam got caught though.
Sorry, sir. My bad.

 

by niteowl
12-17-03
Happy Birthday, Jesus! Santa sends his love...and this present.
That milk-swilling glory hound? Put it with the others.
...and I want a doggy, and another leg for Jimmy, and a seashell, and a Polly Perky Tits dolly, and...
For the last time, I'm not Santa!! Now go play in Saddam's bunker.
Did you save the Polly Perky Tits doll for me?
Yep. Did you bring the Paris Hilton video?

 

by niteowl
12-17-03
Read my "Dead Celebrity Exchange Program" comic to fully understand this comic.
Hi God, are you there? I have a question.
Alright kid, shoot.
You said Saddam was dead. But they just found him alive, so what gives?
I made a mistake, ok? Now if you'll excuse me, I'm quite busy...
Well, how am I supposed to believe in you after this? You know what, God? I DENOUNCE YOU AS OF RIGHT NOW!
Join the club, kid. You're the 125th person in the last hour to denounce me. And I haven't even checked my email yet today.

 

by niteowl
12-18-03
What are you in here for, Heywood?
Didn't do it. Lawyer fucked me.
Your lawyer's a lucky guy, Heywood. You've got a sweet ass.

 

by niteowl
12-18-03
...and finally, I bequeath all my stock options, my pension, and savings totaling 1.5 million dollars to...my cat, Fluffy.
What the hell? That crazy twat! I only got a toaster!
Mommy! Gramma gave me a pink vibrator! Uh, what's a vibrator?
Actually, I think that's for me sweetie.
Wow, I got her entire Frank Sinatra record collection. Yay.
Yeehaw! 1.5 million dollars! I can finally retire and lounge around all day, every day!

 

by niteowl
12-18-03
*BZZZZZZZZZZZZ*
*BZZZZZZZZZZZZ*
Well?
Pretty good. Our ears are bleeding.

 

by niteowl
12-18-03
You cheap bastard. We haven't had a raise in years. So you slave driver, you won't negotiate with us?
No. Now get back to work.
Fine. Looks like I'll just have to unleash what's in this package...
Yeah right. What is it, a bomb or something?
Um, no. We've got some pictures in here of you sampling Mrs. Roberts' "cookies" last year, if you catch my drift. Do you really want Mrs. Claus to find out about this?
If I recall correctly, you joined in James. Would you like Sally to find out how small your willy is before your first date tomorrow night?

 

by niteowl
12-19-03
...just Mediate.
Hallucinate, Desegregate, Mediate, Alleviate, Try not to hate...
Love your mate, Don't suffocate on your own hate, Designate your love as fate, A one world state as human freight...
The number eight, A white black state, A gentle trait, The broken crate, A heavy weight, Or just too late...
Like pretty Kate has sex ornate...
oof...out of breath.
Fuck it, this song has too many lyrics. Commence hating.

 

by niteowl
12-20-03
Hey man, you finally signed up at Stripcreator!
Yeah, that place rocks...did you see that sprite I used to represent GW in my 1st comic?
You used a brand of soda pop to represent GW?

 

by niteowl
12-20-03
Danny, what are you doing up there?
Picking pears.
You better get down, Mom's gonna kill you!
Just go away, Tracy.
Why are you picking pears anyway?
How else are we gonna eat now that our show's been cancelled?

 

by niteowl
12-20-03
Those damn maids...can't they be more gentle with our udders?
Wanna know how you get 'em back? Flatulence.

 

by niteowl
12-20-03
Wanna go the strip club tonight? They're gonna have 9 ladies dancing all on one stage!
Awesome! Let's go!
Later...
Hey, where's the other 8 dancers?
Yeah...what gives?
Oh...the maids? They're out milking.

 

by niteowl
12-21-03
Holy crap! There's so much snow out there you can't even see out the window!
Oh, for fucks sake...
There must be 4 feet of snow out there!
Go to your happy place...go to your happy place...
And today's only the first official day of winter!
LA LA LA...I'M NOT LISTENING! LA LA LA LA...

 

by niteowl
12-22-03
In other news, the terrorist threat level has again been increased to orange...
Did you hear they increased the terrorist threat level to orange again?
Oh no! Quick Batman...to our bomb shelters!
Mr. President, we are increasing the terrorist threat level again, to orange.
Great! Orange is my favorite fruit!

 

by niteowl
12-22-03
Random Carved Pumpkin, I am so pissed now that Halloween is over.
I know, Generic Halloween Symbol! They'll forget about us until next year.
Now we have to step out of the limelight and let them have their day.
And people do their Christmas shopping 7 months in advance!They won't even think about US again until October! FUCK Christmas!
All I want for christmas is to not be just another Random Carved Pumpkin. I want to be a star!
Look kid, the American Idol tryouts are over there...

 

by niteowl
12-22-03
Random Carved Pumpkin, I am so pissed now that Halloween is over.
I know, Generic Halloween Symbol! They'll forget about us until next year.
Now we have to step out of the limelight and let them have their day.
And people do their Christmas shopping 7 months in advance!They won't even think about US again until October! FUCK Christmas!
We're with the temp agency, the fairy sent me here along with the mice. And you're one ugly looking Cinderella.
And you Halloween characters wonder why you don't get any respect. Insults!

 

by niteowl
12-23-03
Hunting. A popular sport and a popular topic for discussion. We're here with hunter Jim-Bob Johnson. How are you Jim-Bob?
I'm ok.
Alrighty then. You mentioned during the break that you love nature. Could you elaborate more on that point?
Well I just love the crisp morning air, the quiet of the forest, watching all those pretty animals...
And then grabbing my gun and blowing the living shit out of them.

 

by niteowl
12-24-03
Hey babe, check that out. One of the Google ads is "Fluff" by Nina Whatshername. That's funny.
What's so funny about it?
It made me think of a "fluffer".
What the hell is a fluffer?
Well, if you come into the bedroom, I'll show you.
Does this have something to do with your collection of Pokemon cards?

 

by niteowl
12-24-03
We have breaking news out of Washington, an apparent terrorist attack was thwarted earlier tonight, as a suicide bomber was shot down over New York City.
Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld would not confirm nor deny that it was in fact a suicide bomber that was shot down...
But did confirm it was not a UFO, since he said...and I quote "UFO's do not exist." end quote.

 

by niteowl
12-24-03
The president is about to brief some of the media on tonight's events, so let's go live to the White House.
Mr. President, can you tell us what exactly was shot down over NYC? Was it a plane, or a missile?
From all reports I've received, it was in fact...a plane.
What kind of plane, Mr. President? We've heard rumors that it was an unmanned spy plane.
An unmanned plane? That's unpossible.

 

by niteowl
12-24-03
Has the military been able to pull any survivors from the downed plane, sir?
As of right now, no. It looks like there are no survivors.
Can you confirm that this plane was conducting a terrorist attack, Mr. President?
Yes, it was.
Is it possible, Mr. President, that the plane that was taken down could have just been a normal commercial airplane?
Look, the terrorist threat level is at orange, this plane looked suspicious as all heckfire, how much more proof do you need that it was a threat to our national security?

 

by niteowl
12-24-03
That's all the questions I will be taking for now. I will brief you all again in an hour with an update on this attack on the American way of life. Thank you.
So there you have it, the presdient confirming that it was in fact, a terrorist attack that was foiled earlier tonight in NYC. It's time for a break, we'll be back after this.
You know, it is quite difficult to do this with soldiers pointing their guns at me. I can't handle the pressure!
Pressure? You think I don't understand pressure, Claire? Well, fuck you!

 

by niteowl
12-24-03
Meanwhile, back at the White House...
GW, what are we going to about this? Pardon my freedom, but we are in deep fucking shit, sir.
I know Rummy, I know.
This is going to destroy your chances at re-election next year, sir.
Like hell it will.
How are you going to get out of this one though, GW? Enron and Halliburton are one thing, but this-
You misunderestimate me and my resolve, Rummy.

 

by niteowl
12-24-03
When the American people find out what we shot down tonight, there's going to be an uproar, to say the least.
It'll be fine Rummy. Don't you worry, the situation is under control.
Back at the TV station...(the sound of gunfire along with a blank screen)
We are having technical difficulties.
Ok, we're back. Breaking news, SANTA CLAUS IS DEAD! I repeat, SANTA WAS KILLED TONIGHT!

 

by niteowl
12-25-03
Yes, in a Channel 3 EXCLUSIVE, Santa Claus and his sleigh was, in fact...the aircraft shot down over NYC.
The military also had taken over the station here, and was forcing us to not reveal what the true story was...
...that is, until a disgruntled ex-employee who was fired today came back with a shotgun and wiped 'em out. Thanks Chet!

 

by niteowl
12-25-03
Back at the White House...the word is out and the President has to face the music.
Mr. President, why was Santa Claus killed?
This is a sad, sad day for the American people. Unfortunately, Mr. Claus had fallen in with the wrong crowd and-
But Mr. President, how can this be? It's just so...not real, it's-
Ok, I must confess. There are other reasons why he had to be put down like a sick cow.
Why?
For one, I didn't get that darn oil well I asked for from him when I was 6. That dirty bastard.

 

by niteowl
12-25-03
I'm feeling pretty bad about this whole situation, and it's time to dispel the rumors and tell the truth. Santa Claus was not a terrorist.
Our military had gotten reports that an attack was underway, and as that was going on, Mr. Claus was delivering presents and was accidentally shot down.
For that, all I can say is I'm sorry...and vote for me in 2004! Look how great this administration is at protecting our country from attack!

 

by niteowl
12-25-03
Fast forward to November 2004. President Bush easily wins his re-election bid.
Congratulations, on your big win GW.
Thanks Rummy, I couldn't have done it without you.
It is amazing that you made through the whole dead Santa thing unscathed.
I don't think it's surprising at all. As you can see by my re-election, alot of people in this country are dumb enough to believe anything you tell them.
By the way Rummy, take the terror threat level back down to yellow again.

 

by niteowl
12-25-03
To clarify - Ryan is my 9 year old son.
Wow, traffic sucked today when I took the kids out to Arby's.
That bad, huh?
Yeah. Almost rear-ended a car in front of me when he slammed on his brakes so he could move over 2 fricken lanes...
...and Ryan's in the backseat and he says, "You know what that guy is, Dad? Ok, take your tongue, hold it with your hand, and try to say apple."
More proof that he takes after you.

 

by niteowl
12-26-03
10:00am
Honey, wake up! Santa came and brought you presents!
Ughhh. Just let me sleep, dear.
Oh c'mon, don't be such a spoil sport. Come open your present!
What present? I thought I already opened up my present.
10:30am
Well well, look at what Santa brought you, the 3rd season of South Park on DVD.
YAY! How come you didn't wake me up earlier?!?!?

 

by niteowl
12-26-03
December 31st, 65 million years ago...
What's your New Year's resolution, Rex? I think I'm going to try and quit smoking.
Me too, and I'm giving up coffee. I heard excessive caffeine is bad for you.
True, true. Now that we're getting older, we need to think about living healthier lives...
Right on. It'll be tough giving up these vices, but we'll be better off later in life. Who wants to be hacking and wheezing and sick all the time when you're 70?
And then...

 

by niteowl
12-26-03
I hate it when the cat sleeps on the computer keyboard.

 

by niteowl
12-26-03
"Coming in 2004, VH1's Bands Reunited will attempt to reunite some popular bands from decades past."
"10 bands will be featured, greats from years gone by..."
"Bands like Berlin, Kajagoogoo, and A Flock Of Seagulls..."
They're the only bands left from way back who haven't already had a reunion album and tour.

 

by niteowl
12-26-03
"It's VH1's 200 Greatest Pop Icons..."
"Featuring comments from stars like Kelly Rowland, Florence Henderson..."
"Steve Harvey, Dave Grohl, and The Bachelorette."
That must suck when you're only referred to as "The Bachelorette", and no one knows your real name.

 

by niteowl
12-26-03
"Who's Online @ 11:08:05 AM EST, December 26, 2003"
"In total there are 10 users online :: 1 Registered and 9 Guest"
"Registered Users: niteowl"
All alone. No one around...maybe I should take the hint and go watch a Twilight Zone episode.

 

by niteowl
12-26-03
No, I'm not leaving forever!

 

by niteowl
12-27-03
Nicorette works! I've never gone this long without a cigarette!
*START FLASHBACK*
Are you hungry yet, Jimmy? Ready for that bottle?
FUCK THE BOTTLE! WHERE'S MY SMOKES, BITCH?

 

by niteowl
12-27-03
2001.
"Now out on DVD, The Lion King!"
2002.
"Now out on DVD, The 2-disc special platinum edition of The Lion King!"
2003.
"Now out on DVD, The 75-disc super gigantic, fantabulous, overblown, take your money and run until we release another one next year box set of The Lion King!"

 

by niteowl
12-28-03
Hey there.
Hey man.
I see you finally got the Xmas present I mailed to you...
Yeah I did. How did you know?!?!
I just put in a bid for it on eBay.
Damnit!

 

by niteowl
12-28-03
Oh my God Kim...did you hear? A giant meteor is heading towards Earth and we'll all be dead within 8 hours!
Yeah I heard that...you wanna come over? We can get drunk and fuck each other's brains out for the last few hours of our lives.
I can't, I gotta get to a church and pray for my soul!
You know Roger, it's no wonder that we never made it as a couple.
Meanwhile...
Ok boss, Roger Johnson.
Scratch him off the guest list. Any fool who chooses to sit in a church instead of taking an offer like that doesn't deserve to be up here.

 

by niteowl
12-28-03
Whatcha doing?
Posting to my blog.
About what?
What I did today. My faithful readers are dying to know what's going in my exciting life.
But...uh, you didn't do anything...
Hey! I ate breakfast earlier!

 

by niteowl
12-28-03
In Baghdad...
Stop right there. I am Pvt. Pyle, U.S. Military. Are you with us, or against us?
Uh, with you I think.
Ok, good. Have you given up on that evil religion known as Islam yet?
Nope. And I won't, either.
Ugh. Why is it that none of you towelheads want to embrace Christianity?
Because our God, Allah, can beat the crap out of your God, Santa Claus.

 

by niteowl
12-29-03
2004 approaching, sir!
Good, corporal. Keep it in your sights. We don't want to lose it.
OH... MY... GOD!!!
What is it, corporal?? What do you see!!
Oh shit, get off me! They've spotted us!

 

by niteowl
12-30-03
So do you have a New Year's resolution in mind yet?
Yep. I'm gonna lose weight. Hopefully about 260 lbs.
I see...
So you're gonna finally divorce that no-good piece of shit you call a husband, huh?
You got it.

 

by niteowl
12-30-03
"It's the all-new Now That's What I Call Music...Volume 94!"
"Featuring boring pop songs that get played every hour on the hour! You know you can't get enough of these overplayed and soon-to-be forgotten tunes!"
"And when you do get tired of the music, the CD makes a great coaster! Handy when you're shotgunning that Kool-Aid on a Saturday night!"

 

by niteowl
12-30-03
What are you guys doing on New Year's Eve?
Steve's parents are gonna be out drinking that night, so he's having a little party at his house.
You should come over man, it's gonna kick ass.
I can't, I got a date!
A blow up doll doesn't count as a date.
And neither does your hand.

 

by niteowl
12-31-03
Johnny, you'll never get anywhere in this world if you can't spell. I'm giving you a F on your spelling test.
An F?!? Oh no!
Hey, here comes the retard! Johnny is so dumb, he can't even spell his own name! Hey Johnny, is your middle initial "F" by any chance? Haha!
10 years later...The invention of a word.
PWNED! HAHA!
PWNED? OMG JOHNNY! THAT'S FUNNIEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN TYPED ON THE INTERNET!

 

by niteowl
12-31-03
What do you wanna do tonight?
I wish we lived in New York City so we could go watch the ball drop in person.
Ugh, all that traffic...
Yeah, that would suck.
If you really want to see balls dropping, you could just watch me take off my Fruit Of The Looms later...
Dirty old man!

Showing page 7.

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