All comics by BigEvilDan

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by BigEvilDan
3-19-02
She's a perky Christian housewife.
He's a scientist bent on playing in God's domain.
Watch as this comically mismatched couple raises their comically mismatched son on The Frankenstiens. Thursdays at 8:30
Tell me about the birds and the bees, Daddy.
Well son, the birds gave you your talons, and the bees gave you your stinger!

 

by BigEvilDan
3-21-02
And the award for Best Actress goes to... Britney Spears...
I won? Like, ohmygod, I don't believe it. I'm just totally like... BAM! I am totally in shock over this!
...'s agent, for managing to convince someone that Crossroads was a good idea.

 

by BigEvilDan
3-21-02
...and that's why I'm honoured to recieve the award for Best Delievery of the Word "Oof!" in a Dramatic, Animated or Soft-Core Porn Film.
That's all the awards for 2002. Please exit in an orderly manner.
We're finally finished. I swear, these things take longer every year.
Well let's hurry and take down the set. There's a big show here tommorow.
Really? What's playing tommorow?
The 2003 Oscars.

 

by BigEvilDan
3-27-02
This is still better than most of Bazilla's comics.

 

by BigEvilDan
3-28-02
How bout some new pics?
Geez, we've only been on the site for a day, and people are already asking for new art. Even Wirthling didn't suck that much when he first showed up.
Why arent their some more pics for goat, and exploding dog.
The government made us take down most of our goat pics. I still say that what happens between a man and his goat should stay between them.
A higher variety of comix could come out than now!
Yes, assrape in all the colours of the rainbow!!

 

by BigEvilDan
3-28-02
Beware of Dog
Beware of Dog
Beware of Dog
I'd love to, really, but you're just not intimidating.
It's the hot pants, isn't it?

 

by BigEvilDan
3-30-02
Lord Brad, while we thank you for liberating Canada, puns and assrape have only increased. The people are losing faith.
But what about our many comedy reforms? The anti-AYBABTU bill? The default worship rooms in every home?
The rooms are another problem, sir. I brought a hooker home last night and ended up screwing my couch by mistake.
See? Comedy!

 

by BigEvilDan
4-02-02
In a world beyond reality...
Sound in space? That makes no sense! And that explosion looks so fake.
...where logic has no presence...
What the hell is the director thinking? This is just an excuse to grab money from loyal fans of the franchise! To protest, I'm only buying one copy when it comes out on DVD.
...they are watching. They are... NET NERDS! In theaters now.
Okay, so maybe that comic book adaptation sucked, but the next one will be the greatest ever!
Of course it will. I've already got three websites devoted to it.

 

by BigEvilDan
4-02-02
In a world filled with explosives and flammable things...
...one man wages war against hundreds of dumbass terrorists.
I heard a noise. Go check everything, but not the vents. It couldn't possibly be someone in the vents.
Right away, boss.
This summer, KKP stars in "Hard Die", "Police Cop", "Demolition Guy", "Hard Die 2" and "Building Go Boom"
The French terrorists are all dead! Now we can get married!
I thought they were German terrorists? Or was that last week?

 

by BigEvilDan
4-03-02
In a world...
...Captain Obvious stars in "Captain Obvious: The Movie"
I'm Captain Obvious, and this is my world.

 

by BigEvilDan
4-05-02
In a world devoid of magic...
I'm so depressed. I wish something special would happen to me.
...one boy will discover the true spirit of Christmas.
Holy crap! Santa just fell out of the sky.
Hello Timmy. I seem to have lost Rudolph in a sleigh crash. Will you help me find him?
Obtaining material goods.
That depends, pops. Is there an X-Box under my tree tonight?

 

by BigEvilDan
4-06-02
Heroes...
I'm Captain Ego. I'm the world's greatest superhero, and I won't let any of those other super-wannabes show me up.
I'm Jesus.
Villains...
I'm an evil leprechaun named Steve.
I am The Head. I can outsmart the heroes using my massive intellect. I suck at fighting, though.
And Others...
I'm Brigadier General Hyperbole. I do nothing but exaggerate. No eating, no sleeping, just hyperbole.
I'm Captain Obvious. Hyperbole and I are just here so that Dan doesn't have to think up any new superheroes.

 

by BigEvilDan
4-08-02
*ZAP*
What are you doing now?
.nottub eht gnisserp m'I .pu wercs ruoy xif ot em ot pu s'ti sseug I
You're talking backwards! Did you activate the Relative Atemporal Positioning Enhancer?
!uoy truh em ekam t'noD
Hey, give me the RAPE back you jerk!
!krej uoy ,kcab EPAR eht em evig ,yeH

 

by BigEvilDan
4-14-02
Oh great. Another preachy religious wacko.
Excuse me, sir. Have you accepted Me as your Lord and saviour?
No, and quite frankly I'd like you to give me one good reason why I should.
I'm sure the police would love to hear about what you've been doing by the playground with that priest costume.
*sigh* Fine, I'll be in church on Sunday.
Just send me a cheque. I don't want you anywhere near my church.

 

by BigEvilDan
4-18-02
...and we will liberate the planet from these aliens, because it is Independence Day! Any questions?
Yes Mr. President. What about the other countries who don't celebrate the fourth of July?
Well, we'll visit these now defenseless countries...
...and force them to celebrate independence under the iron fist of American democracy.
I think you're missing the point, sir.

 

by BigEvilDan
4-18-02
I can see why they cut this. It makes the rest of the film look worse by comparison.

 

by BigEvilDan
4-22-02
I was called in late at night to investigate the crime. Seems that famous toymaker Irving T. Megabucks had been murdered.
His motel room was a mess. I knew I'd have to keep my eyes open, or things could get sticky.
*splorch*
Already I could tell that this was going to be a tough case.
You might want to avoid stepping on that puddle. It might just be a clue.
Yeah, thanks for telling me before I ruined my shoes. Jackass.

 

by BigEvilDan
4-22-02
It was a gruesome scene. The victim was lying on the floor, next to a pair of old Levis jeans and a box of cookies.
With his last ounce of strength, he managed to leave the message "EVIL S" using his spilled glass of milk.
I suspected that the police weren't going to be much help. I decided to investigate my own lead.
I think it's a suicide. He was obviously crying over his spilled milk. Ha ha!

 

by BigEvilDan
4-22-02
I got in touch with an old friend of mine. He wasn't very cooperative, but eventually he told me that Megabucks Inc. was undergoing some heavy competition.
Ow! It Mr. Sophisticate!
Enough with the word games! I need a straight answer.
I ran over to Sophisticate Toys to investigate. Nobody appeared to be home, so I decided to investigate.
Hmm...it looks like they're making CD's. I wonder what--
Of course, I made the rookie mistake, and forgot to check for heavily-armed midgets. And when heavily-armed midgets are involved, things get twice as dangerous.
*click* Don't move, tough guy!

 

by BigEvilDan
4-22-02
I awoke in the darkness, but there appeared to be someone else in the room. I had no doubt that this was the big cheese. He was certainly big, at least.
What do you want from me?
I want to know why you are here.
I had to think fast and bluff my way out.
I'm investigating the murder of Irving Megabucks, and the little music piracy scheme you killed him to protect.
Ha! If I wanted to pirate music, I have the internet. You know nothing about me, thank you very much.
And that's when the pieces started falling into place.
I know more than you think... Elvis Presley!
Impressive. Maybe I won't kill you just yet.

 

by BigEvilDan
4-22-02
It was my informant who had given me the vital clue. All his anagramming had finally connected with the Levis jeans and the victim's final message.
Ow! It Mr. Sophisticate!
Enough with the word games! I need a straight answer.
But if you aren't stealing the music, then you must be sending it out. But you don't have nearly enough resources to distribute all this.
Oh, I have my resources.
Is this whole scheme just a way to reclaim your former popularity?
Ho ho ho. You're obviously a bit short in your anagramming. I'm afraid you no longer entertain me. Time to die.

 

by BigEvilDan
4-22-02
I figured that this was my cue to exit.
Get back here! Guards!
I managed to distract Elvis with my jacket and make it to an exit. Unfortunately, that exit lead to the roof. I needed to figure out what was going on, and quickly...
But figuring out the motives of a long dead rock star and his army of music-recording midgets was hard work.
Wait, I've got it!

 

by BigEvilDan
4-22-02
Only one man could possibly have the resources to deliver that many CD's... Elvis was obviously Santa Claus.
And these weren't midget henchmen, they were elves!
I found him, boss!
It's a good thing elves don't exist.
I'm almost ashamed at how easy that was.

 

by BigEvilDan
4-22-02
So, at last you know my true identity. What clued you in.
That's right. You'd never do your own dirty work, so obviously Megabucks was trying to write something about your assassin... who was Elvish.
You'll never foil my plan to deliver subliminal messages to the children of the world! This planet, and everyone on it will be under my control!
You're immortal, you can watch anyone at any time, and you're two of the most famous faces in history. How much more power do you need?
And so Santa turned around to undo his evil deeds. I disabled him with a karate chop before he even managed to take a step.
I guess you're right. I'll go take the evil CD-recorder apart.

 

by BigEvilDan
4-22-02
Santa/Elvis was sentence to life in prison for his crimes. As an immortal man of many faces, he's going to be there for a long time.
And I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those meddling kids.
Hey! Watch it with the catch phrases!
Christmas was cancelled this year, and Hallmark will take over next year. The Weekly World News, unable to print Elvis Lives stories, went bankrupt.
I got no presents this year!
I can't afford new probes for my wife!
As for me...well, it's back to business as usual.
And that's how I managed to use all the state capitals in a single paragraph.
Seriously, what the hell does this have to do with drug smuggling?

 

by BigEvilDan
4-28-02
I'm going to go make the world a better place!
I'll be back in about half an hour.
I have a bad feeling about this.

 

by BigEvilDan
4-28-02
Check it out. New wallpaper!
That's it? This is how you're improving the world?
Well, this and I blew up a factory filled with Commies!
What?!

 

by BigEvilDan
4-28-02
I blew up an anchovy factory. Is that so hard to understand?
How in the world does destroying an anchovy factory improve our lives?
Think about it. Nobody likes anchovies, but every pizza place in the world has them available. It must be part of an evil communist plot.
Right. And how does the wallpaper fit in?
I just thought this place could use some colour. Do you have a problem with that?
Well, it kinda smells like fish...

 

by BigEvilDan
4-28-02
Today's top story: the anchovy factory bombings continue. The attacks have completely bankrupted the industry.
In other news, all non-anchovy related crime has ceased and world peace has been declared. And now, here's Andy Dougan with Entertainment...
Holy #@$%! She was right!
Russel Crowe was crushed by an anvil today...

 

by BigEvilDan
4-28-02
So anchovies are really a nexus of evil in the universe?
It seems that way. I guess I owe you an apology for all those things I said about you behind your back.
Wait a minute...

 

by BigEvilDan
4-28-02
I can't believe I turned the world in to a utopia.
All this good karma is making me hungry.
The fish smell in the wall isn't helping.

 

by BigEvilDan
4-28-02
Mmm, pizza.
Are those anchovies?
Yeah, I managed to find some. Spending so much time destroying them has started to give me cravings for them.
Yipes!
It's just a few of them. I'm sure it will be perfectly safe.
RAGGGHHHH....

 

by BigEvilDan
4-28-02
Well, with all the evil in the universe concentrated in the kitchen, I appear to have opened a portal to the depths of hell.
BLAGGGGGHHHH!!!
And it looks like the demon that emerged is bringing eternal darkness to the world. I think I blew it.
GRAHHHHHH!!!!!
But on the bright side, that was the best pizza I've ever had.
MMOOOHHHHHHHH...

 

by BigEvilDan
4-30-02
There's too much suffering in the world. I wish I could do something about it.
You're Jesus. You have powers beyond imagination that could fix things.
I meant in a way that doesn't involve me getting up and going anywhere.

 

by BigEvilDan
4-30-02
Well, I'm off to change the world.
Rotate the tires, get some new spark plugs, and she should be ready to go.
Spark plugs?

 

by BigEvilDan
5-08-02
We've got to hide, Horse. We've been falsely accused of murder.
Uh, yeah...
It is a *FALSE* accusation, right?
Well, I ran into this guy last night...

 

by BigEvilDan
5-08-02
YOU KILLED A MAN!?!
Killed? No, I murdered him. You know, sent him flowers and pudding, built a Jello sculpture of Lincon with him...
That's not murder, Horse. It's...
...honestly I'm not sure what it is. Your mind works in ways that sane people can't imagine.
Yippe! I'm special!

 

by BigEvilDan
5-08-02
Come on, Horse. We need to hide.
Maybe we could hide behind that menacing looking Kevin Keegans Perm?
Hi. Could you please crawl into this bag with a dollar sign on it?
I probably could have handled that a little better than I did.

 

by BigEvilDan
5-08-02
Hiding in the bushes was a great idea, Bear.
Be quiet, Horse.
Don't you think this is a great hiding spot, Kaufman?
Stop hitting me, Bear!

 

by BigEvilDan
5-08-02
On a dark and stormy night, the cowboy is the victim of a plot-forwarding murder.
Eww, it looks like he was mauled by a couple of wild animals.
Get the forum users together. I don't want these maniacs loose on my site.
Right away, Brad...
...we'll catch Bear and Horse, DEAD OR ALIVE.
Holy crap! Did you read that narration?
No I didn't, Bear. I dropped out of the first grade.

 

by BigEvilDan
5-08-02
So they're in this box? Why not just bring them to me directly?
Well, you asked for them dead or alive, right?
Yes.
Well, by locking them in a Schrodinger's box for an hour, they're both dead AND alive until they're observed.
So?
I'll be collecting two bounties for each of them, thanks.

 

by BigEvilDan
5-08-02
But aren't they observing each other?
You know, I never accounted for that...
Hey Horse, are you dead?
Yes.
****WHOOSH!****
I mean no.

 

by BigEvilDan
5-08-02
What's going on?
By being observed and unobserved at the same time, we tore a hole in reality, and then used it to escape.
How...how did you know that?
I guess my brain functions on a unique quantuum level that lets me grasp this plane of existance, but leavs me clueless on our own.
So what do we do now?
These colours are pretty.

 

by BigEvilDan
5-08-02
Howdy partners.
Hey! Weren't you killed in the first comic?
Possibly. I was fixing the rotor turbines in Kaufman's box, when the damn cop opened it. I'm sure one of us resolved into reality.
One of us?
You're standing on my corpse.
Eww...

 

by BigEvilDan
5-08-02
Well, I figured out why we were accused of the murder. I just trampled the cowboy's corpse.
Isn't that going to have terrible reprecussions on the laws of cause and effect?
We already survived a hole in space-time. What else could happen?
****WHOOSH****
Well, fuck.

 

by BigEvilDan
5-08-02
*Ahem* I hope it wasn't you guys who destroyed Creation. My dad spent almost a week on that.
I probably could have handled that a little better than I did.

 

by BigEvilDan
5-08-02
My name is Bear, and this is a series of witty observations I have made.
This solo act thing isn't working. We need Bear to do something edgier. Something that will connect with the average person.
The next week...
Today on The Bear Show, we're asking people on the street to provide funny observations...then set fire to them!
AHHHHH!!!

 

by BigEvilDan
5-08-02
Bear's Log, Stardate 31415.9. I have infiltrated the set of Horse & Pablo as part of my plan to recruit Horse.
If I am to remain undected, I will need a disguise. Hopefully this will not be too difficult.
Hey! What are you doing here, you talentless hack?
Bear's Log, Supplemental. Not only was it easy, it turned out to be quite enjoyable.
I'll show you a talentless hack you corporate puppet!

 

by BigEvilDan
5-08-02
...so that's my problem.
Interesting. Despite Pablo's claims, it turns out that we still own Horse's soul.
So you'll help me steal Horse for my show?
Only in exchange for your soul.
I sold my soul for a cookie when I was five.
In that case, I have another proposition...

 

by BigEvilDan
5-08-02
Er...hi. I was just...um...
Are you here to impregnate me and bring our child to hell?
Uh...yeah.
The prophecy told me that you would come, and our child would bring great evil to the world. Are you sure you wish to go through with this?
I'm in television. I've got no problems with brining great evil into the world.
Let's go.

Showing page 8.

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