All comics by evil_d

Profile

 

by evil_d
4-29-03
Well, the bars are solid, and I can't even find a lock. The walls, floor and ceiling are sturdy. That window behind you is just paint. And my powers are as useless right now as yours are all the time.
So we're trapped.
Yes.
No way out.
Except the sweet release of death.

 

by evil_d
4-29-03
Hours pass....
...and you know, I just realized, he never even told us what he wants with us.
I mean, he's supposed to be Dr. MISinformation, not Dr. NO information.
I thought we instituted a "No Talking" rule.
*You* instituted it.
Ah yes, I remember. It was my first act as President of this prison cell.

 

by evil_d
4-29-03
I wish six o'clock would come soon.
Morbid curiosity compels me to ask why.
Because after six I can use my free hours on my cell phone.
Give me that fucking phone.

 

by evil_d
4-29-03
Retroactive Residence. What the hell do you want?
Potential Lad, I need your help! Captain Obvious and I are being held captive by the evil Dr. Misinformation!
Yeah? I could give a crap.
That's the spirit!
*click*
Hello? Potential Lad?
You said this kid was your sidekick?

 

by evil_d
4-29-03
Well, your sidekick was no help. Why, it's almost like he's not your sidekick at all. If I had to guess, I'd say --
Okay, okay, I think I have an idea that might work. Doesn't that brick behind you seem loose?
*WHACK*
I thought you said the walls were sturdy. What brick are you--
*thud*
That's the best damn idea I've had all day.

 

by evil_d
4-29-03
With Captain Obvious unconscious, my powers are no longer being cancelled by his. Now it's a simple matter to retroactively place a blowtorch in my toolbelt before I came here.
So just a little quick work on these bars....
..and we're out! Well, *I'm* out. We're probably both safer if I don't wake up Banality Boy.

 

by evil_d
4-29-03
*KA-BOOM!*
And now to find the source of those explosions, and Dr. Misinformation... wait, what's this? It looks like a test batch of Davy Jones' new Sea Beer!
Man, I'd sure love to try some of that... but now's really not the time. Then again... what am I saying? I can always think better of it retroactively!
*splash!*
Man, I sure hope I'm drunk already, because the only other explanation is that the things I'm seeing are real.

 

by evil_d
4-29-03
Retroactive Man! I escaped from our cell! I guess you did too! Now we're free to go catch Dr. Misinformation!
Capsshen Ovvioussh! Man, yer my bessht fren. I'm sorry fer givin you a hard time. Yer ovioush powers are TOTALLY COOL! YEAH! WOO! Oh man...
Retroactive Man, you seem like you're drunk. Are you drunk? This is terrible! We have a villain to catch!
Naw, man... well, jussh a little. But hey man, it'sh okay. I'll shober up in a little bit. Although I am sheeing two of you right now....
...two of me? *gasp!* You're not seeing two of me at all, Retroactive Man! How do you do, Dr. Misinformation? Or should I call you....
*hic*

 

by evil_d
4-29-03
That's correct, Captain Obvious! I, Dr. Misinformation, am not Dr. Misinformation at all, but in fact I am your twin brother, the Confuser!
Words fail me.

 

by evil_d
4-29-03
Just tell me one thing, Confuser. What's your game? What sort of villainy are you up to in this distillery?
Ha ha ha! I've successfully confused you again, simpleton! I'm not doing *anything* illegal! The explosions were just to mislead people into thinking a crime was being committed!
That's where you're wrong, Confuser! Detonating anything larger than a cap gun within city limits is punishable by a $2000 fine, and up to one year in jail!
Curses!
Confuser, I'm taking you in!

 

by evil_d
4-29-03
Give it up, Captain Obvious! Einstein's Fourth Law of Nuclear Dynamics says it's impossible for you to defeat me!
Oh, no -- I'm not falling for that one again, Confuser! Your confusion powers won't work on me this time!
If that's the case, then you'd better watch out for that television that's about to fall on your head!
You must think I'm pretty stupid!
*SMASH!*
Now that you mention it, I do!

 

by evil_d
4-29-03
"My powers of obviousness will prevail as always, Confuser!"
Man... I am so smashed. If only Captain Obvious' powers weren't suppressing mine, I could retroactively decide not to get drunk....
"Not this time, Obvious! Behold my latest invention -- the Obscuro-Wave! Once I flip this tiny little switch, your powers will be useless!"
Yes! That's the ticket! As soon as he turns that on....
*crash!* "That's what I think of your Obscuro-Wave device, Confuser! Let's see you try to rebuild it now!"
Ah, crap. Why'd he have to pick this moment to do something competent?

 

by evil_d
4-29-03
*BLAM!*
That's not the only prize in my cereal box, Obvious!
Ugh! You've shot me! I'm bleeding... and falling to the ground!
Mwa ha ha ha ha! Obviousness falls! Confusion triumphs!
And that's my cue! Confuser, prepare to have met your match!

 

by evil_d
4-29-03
Where did you come from? Ow! It feels like my stomach was punched -- but when?
Wouldn't you like to know?
What the--? How did I end up on the floor? And where did you get all this rope?
That's the power of previousness! And the police are almost here, since I'm about to call them!
*sigh*... alright, Captain, I guess I'll call the paramedics for you too.
...ugh...

 

by evil_d
4-29-03
Thanks again for all your help, Retroactive Man! We'll make sure the Confuser is locked up tight. He won't be causing any more trouble for at least six months!
Thank you, officer!
Good news, Retroactive Man! The doctors say I should make a full recovery. They say it's as if I have a natural resistance to complex fractures!
Ah, heh... Captain Obvious... look, I think we both know I said some things when I was drunk that I didn't mean... and, uh, I just--
Say no more, Retroactive Man. I think we learned something valuable today. You and I make a great team, as long as we don't work together!
Right you are! And let's keep it that way!

 

by evil_d
4-29-03
One thing I learned from today's battle, Potential Lad, is that sometimes in order to get along, people have to stay apart.
Big deal. I learned the same thing from watching three hours of Judge Judy.
I also learned that humanity lacks redeeming qualities and isn't worth saving.
So I was thinking we could organize a system that would let you and I coordinate our crimefighting efforts remotely.
I'm calling you a chump.

 

by evil_d
5-01-03
Dear Mr. Censorware CEO. I am curious to know what in your real world experience gave you the idea...
...that denying the existence of things you don't like was a mature or sensible way to go through life. Sincerely, Blue.
Dear Mr. Blue. I'm sorry, I couldn't read your e-mail. I have a banana in my modem.

 

by evil_d
5-01-03
Well, time for a break. Think I'll make a comic at stripcreator.com.
Not so fast, evildoer!
What the hell?
I'm the blocking software on your company's network! It's my job to prevent you from wasting precious minutes of company time on frivolous web sites!
Fine, then I'll just play FreeCell.
Curse you, human!

 

by evil_d
5-01-03
I'm sorry, you said that site was blocked because why?
Because it contains adult content.
But I'm an adult.
I'm sorry, you're a what?

 

by evil_d
5-01-03
Hello, Mr. Computer. My English teacher gave me this list of vocabulary words to look up.
Don't you dare, little girl!
I'm Bessie, a prehistoric monster that hides inside your computer and eats you if you try to visit websites that someone who doesn't know you has deemed inappropriate!
Online dictionaries are no place for a child! Why, they've got thousands of words that describe concepts you shouldn't know about until a traumatic accident thrusts them upon you!
I -- I'm scared!
That's the idea, kid!

 

by evil_d
5-03-03
This article quotes the vice president of the local cable company as saying "my goal is to make people put 'love' and 'cable company' in the same sentence."
No problem. "I don't love my cable company."
Too easy. "I would love it if my cable company would hire someone competent."
"I'd love to murder the vice president of the cable company."
"I gave my love a cherry, and I gave my cable company a check for an exorbitant sum."
We should call her and leave these on her answering machine.

 

by evil_d
5-13-03
o/` On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... an open space on Calvary! o/`
o/` On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... two planks of wood, and an open space on Calvary! o/`
o/` On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... three iron nails, two planks of wood, and an open space on Calvary! o/`

 

by evil_d
5-26-03
So Neo and everyone think they've managed to get out of the matrix....
...but it turns out they're really still in it, or possibly in another matrix, which would mean the first matrix is a matrix-within-a-matrix.
And the whole thing's kind of ironic because after all they only exist as characters in a movie put on for our entertainment.
But then, we only exist in that mini-holodeck cube they used to trap Professor Moriarty in that episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation.
And Star Trek: The Next Generation only exists in Bob Newhart's dream.
And I'm willing to bet that Bob Newhart is just a brain in a jar, being fed artificial stimuli by some mad scientist.

 

by evil_d
6-02-03
I still can't believe you flooded half my house.
You're so negative. An optimist would see your house as half empty.

 

by evil_d
6-18-03
I hate restaurants that put old signs and stuff on the walls, like it makes them classy. You know they just bought it from some company that makes that crap specially.
Back off! This stop sign is mine! You've already met your quota for this month!
I'm trying to get a promotion! Besides, I was here first!
...yeah... bought it from some company. Heh heh.

 

by evil_d
6-18-03
...so yeah, I ended up paying a lot less income tax this year, but technically it's fraud, so keep it under your hat.
Okay.
Hey, we're on for fishing this weekend. But my wife thinks I'll be on a business trip, so keep it under your hat.
No problem.
This is a Felis septicus, a rare breed of cat whose posionous bite can kill a man in 20 seconds. But they're illegal in the US, so keep it under your hat.
Uh....

 

by evil_d
6-23-03
Internet abbreviations have really been pretty bad lately, don't you think? It's getting so you can barely recognize what people are trying to say. I mean, is it "ROFL" or "ROTFL"?
Should you use slashes when shortening "because" or "just kidding"? Who knows? That's why I've formed ISSO, the Internet Shorthand Standardization Organization.
I'm confident that once acceptance of our guidelines is widespread, the internet will become a more intelligible place for everybody.
All this says is "Fucking learn to write properly."

 

by evil_d
7-07-03
Aaah! A skeleton!
Quick, give me a bottle of Nestea(tm)!
Uh... okay... here you go.
*drink* *drink* *drink* *drink*
Now wait just a damn minute.
What?

 

by evil_d
7-20-03
I hate all the ads on this web site. They keep trying to put me back in touch with people I haven't seen since high school.
Oh, ads for classmates.com, huh?
No, ads for Pizza Hut delivery.

 

by evil_d
8-02-03
It's kind of funny how there are buildings in both Baltimore and Philadelphia that bill themselves as the "Edgar Allen Poe House".
Yeah, I think I'm going to start calling my hotel the Edgar Allen Poe Hotel.
Did he ever stay there?
As far as you know.
And you really think that kind of trick will make you any money?
Sure. Everyone knows a hotel is worth as much as five houses.

 

by evil_d
8-14-03
The first rule of Stripcreator Battle Royal is: you do not talk about Stripcreator Battle Royal. The second rule of Stripcreator Battle Royal is: you DO NOT talk about Stripcreator Battle Royal.
I'm going to have to ask you to stop that.
Third rule of Stripcreator Battle Royal, someone yells "Stop!", goes limp, taps out, the fight is over. Fourth rule, only two guys to a fight. Fifth rule, one fight at a time, fellas.
The sixth rule of Stripcreator Battle Royal is... ugh... yck... ckkk....

 

by evil_d
8-14-03
Hey, am I late for the fight?
What?? You... but... I just killed you! I mean, there you are... on the ground right there.
Oh, yeah. Him. Turns out he's just my imaginary friend. Weird, huh?
I don't understand.
Come with me, I'll show you.

 

by evil_d
8-14-03
Fight Club
...
That was so confusing. I feel like my head is going to explode.
You're exaggerating. It wasn't really that bad.
I stand corrected.

 

by evil_d
8-14-03
So you just watched Fight Club with him and his head exploded? That doesn't make sense. It wasn't that confusing.
I don't think it was the confusion. I think it was all the nitroglycerin I put in his popcorn.
I like putting foreign substances in people's food. It's kind of my thing.
Speaking of which, don't get the lobster at Fisherman Joe's this month.

 

by evil_d
8-30-03
So, you're here to fight me, huh? You think you can take me on?
I don't know anything about any fight. I'm just here for some hamburgers.
Oh, a wise guy, eh? You think you can handle me? Come get some!
Look. I'm a serial killer with a large knife. You're a cow. I think we both know how this is going to end up.
*swish!*
Ha ha! Too quick for you, huh? Now check this out!

 

by evil_d
8-30-03
Rockin'...
Metal...
Cowbell!!

 

by evil_d
8-30-03
What the fuck?
Ha ha! How do you like my super power?
This is your super power? It makes me younger?
Too much for you to handle?
How is this supposed to help you? I'm still faster than you. I've still got opposable thumbs. I'll stab you to death with this ice cream cone if I have to.
You think so?

 

by evil_d
8-30-03
Rockin'...
Metal...
Cowbell!!

 

by evil_d
8-30-03
What the fuck? Why am I here? Where did I come from?
Don't worry about that right now. The important thing is that you get that baby inside. It looks like it's going to rain.
Uh, yeah, I guess you're right, I should do that.
Thanks.

 

by evil_d
9-10-03
I don't know what you heard about me! But a bitch can't get a dollar out of me! No Cadillac, no perms, you can't see! That I'm a motherfucking P-I-M-P! Yeah!
...you understand why I have to kill you now, right?
Aw, but mom...!
No buts!
...alright....

 

by evil_d
11-16-03
wehn a man loves a women, HE NALE'S THE FUCKIN BITCH!
Ooh, sounds exciting, honey. Okay, let's go!
Later:

 

by evil_d
12-04-03
Alright, doc, put your hands up and don't move! This is a robbery! I'm here for your high-tech inventions!
You may have the advantage now, scoundrel, but not for long! With this time machine, I'll travel into the future and come back with a weapon against which you'll be powerless!

 

by evil_d
12-04-03
...what, that's it? He just disappeared?
That's the beauty of time travel. Any of an infinite number of reasons could have prevented him from coming back. And I don't have to explain what happened.
You mean you'll never know what happened.
Yeah, that's what I mean.
So what did you get from the old man? A robotic combat suit? A solar-powered hovercar? An inflatable camera?
Anatomically correct female androids, man.

 

by evil_d
12-10-03
So today I saw this health drink whose package advertised that it contained "a proprietary blend of quality proteins".
What the FUCK?

 

by evil_d
2-03-04
Pfeh! Catgirls at cons! Spare me! I swear, if I see one more girl in cat ears who spouts broken Japanese and is completely ignorant of real Japanese culture, I'm going to scream.
Oh my god, I totally agree with you. It's so great to meet someone who appreciates and enjoys all parts of Japanese culture. Hey, did you see that Noguchi ceramics exhibit that was in town last month?
Oh, uh, no... I... missed it.
Oh... too bad. So, um, what did you think of last night's showing of Char's Counterattack?
It was awesome!! I've been waiting my whole life to see that movie on the big screen.

 

by evil_d
2-05-04
So... they tell me that being in a wheelchair helps you get the girls. Is that true?
Sweetie, it's so true. Want to go back to my place?
I can't believe it actually works! C'mon, baby -- we can take my motorcycle!

 

by evil_d
2-05-04
So how'd your trip to the US go?
Great! The Department of Homeland Security gave me this medal.
"Model Foreigner".
They said I killed very few woodland creatures and absolutely no chief executives.
But I heard you ran some guy over with your rental car.
Oh, yes, but he had a slightly tan complection. They gave me this "Honorary Patriot" medal for that.

 

by evil_d
2-05-04
By day, he's mild-mannered Kevin Williams, accountant!
I'm off to work, honey!
By night, he's the unstoppable vigilante hero, The Somnambulist!
Zzz... mayor called... fight supervillains... zzzz....
Don't be ridiculous, dear... come back to bed.
By day... he has absolutely no recollection of fighting crime.
Why does my head hurt?

 

by evil_d
2-05-04
Accompanied by his faithful sidekick, the Somnambulist fights crime at all hours of the night!
Quick, Narco-Lad! To the Somnambulance!
...zzzzzzzz...

 

by evil_d
3-31-04
So, did you vote for <name of major-party candidate>?
Of course not! That guy is a maniac! I did my part to keep him out of the White House by voting for <name of other major-party candidate>.
Then on the way out of the polling booth, I met a guy who was collecting money to help fund cancer research. So I gave him a penny.
That's very... uh... charitable....
Then when I got home, I noticed my lawn was looking a little dry, so I said to myself, "Whoa, time to get out the eyedropper!"

Showing page 8.

« Previous Next »