All comics by four_legged_tripod

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Hey fellas, now that I'm getting a whiff of it, I don't think the other three were talking about "ass gas".

 

one... two... Three !!!
What the hell are you doing?
Daydreaming. I was hoping I could use my magical powers and stop you from being so bitchy when I counted to three.
one... two... Three !!!

 
And you say this game, Pong, was all the rage when you were a kid?

 

Why are you standing in the kitchen with no pants on?
Didn't you ask me to turn on the stove?

 

Wha' 'cha watching'?
"Skins."
Oh no! No way, buddy. That show's inappropriate and offensive.
Seriously?
I can't watch this but you'll allow me to watch "The Dick Van Dyke Show" where two thirds of the title is inappropriate and offensive!

 

So what's the verdict doc?
You're fairly healthy. Continue the self exams. Have your wife give you a testicular exam each month. You also need to cut back on fatty foods.
Your cholesterol will improve if you lose 10 pounds and you should add more fiber to your diet.
So what did the doctor say?
You need to play with my balls more.

 

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Hey! Where'd that illegal cactus go?

 

So the doe comes out of the forrest and says, "That's the last time I'll do that for two bucks!"
HA! LMAO!
Holy shit! Turn around!
Why?
You really did laugh your ass off!

 

Yer such a dumbass!
Why, cuz I waited till the last minute to enter this comic comp knowing all the good ideas would be gone by now? Cuz I now know that comp 202 is exactly like this one?
Or is it cuz I wet myself watching Justin Bieber perform at last night's Grammys?
Yer such a dumbass!

 

Hey, I just got a box of chocolates from my boyfriend for Valentine's. Want a piece?
No thank you. "A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips."
Do you really believe that?
Absolutely!
Kiss any random guy just once and then try to keep him out of your pants!

 

Wait for it... Almost... Here comes the fart...
Pbbbbbft!
Groovy!
Ewwww! That came out my ass? Come on now! I know I can do better than that!
Wait for it... Almost... Here comes the fart...
Pbbbbbft!

 

It's not fair that Debi gets her own room and we have to share.
Share? You see that line? On this side of that line is my kingdom.
Kingdom?
That's right. I'm the king over here and you can't enter my kingdom.
What's your kingdom called, "Imalittlebitcha"?

 

No, my kingdom is not called "Imalittlebitcha." And you just stepped over the line entering my kingdom. You now have to pay the "Lick a dick" entery toll.
I'm not licking your dick!
Who said anything about my dick?
Woof?

 

Why the hell does the dog's dick taste like peanut butter?
Why the hell did you lick the dog's dick?
I thought those were the rules! Look, this is silly. If we join forces your kingdom increases by 50% and then we can take over Debi's kingdom and get even more land.
Hmmmm.
WE DECLARE WAR ON "CUNTOPIA"!
WE DECLARE WAR ON "CUNTOPIA"!

 

Todd, I just remembered that Debi is on her period.
So?
Well, this might not be the best time to wage a war on her.
Why not? She's already lost a lot of blood. It'll be easy.
Run for your life! The bitch be crazy!
Get back here so I can finish super gluing your little pecker to your stomach you ass wipe!

 

I can't believe she really super glued your dick to your stomach.
I know. I kept getting beat up in the gym locker room at school because everyone thought I had a boner.
Wow. That must have been really traumatic for you.
Why do you say that?
Well your chest is all sweaty.
No it's not. I just peed.

 

Well, I've done some research online and found a natural way to dissolve the super glue. You just have to promise to drop the whole kingdom thing.
Fine. Whatever it takes to put my dick back to normal. So what is this natural solution you've found?
Dog saliva.
Say what?
Only as long as Tim gets in on the action. He gives pretty good head.

 

So what's the bad news?
You have AIDS.
And the good news?
It's SUPER AIDS!
SUPER!

 

Damn, Ang! You got the biggest white ass of any girl in the hood.
Oh, T Dizzle! You know just what to say. Can I get you another 40?
Tune in next week to see guest star Alyssa Mulatto.
"Who's the Be-Oss" just officially became my favorite show.

 

HELLO... hello... HELLO... hello...
ECHO... echo... ECHO... echo...
Stop that and get back up here!
Fine! I'll do Kegels.

 

I can't believe how slutty little girls dress now a days.
Take that one for example. Her short shorts are totally inappropriate!
They're not totally inapproriate.
They're totally in her ass.

 

Let's pretend we are big jungle cats and scare others!
Okay.
Rawr! I'm a lion!
Not the king of the jungle! I'm too young to die!
Rawr! I'm a cougar!
Not a withering old woman! I'm too young to have sex!

 

Where did white people come from?
White people originated from a small animal loving community in China.
I thought only the Chinese came from China.
That's a common misconception. If you turn to page 420 of your White History books, you'll see an artist's rendering of the origins of white people.
Cock_________________________Asian

 

Now that painting on the far right titled "A Perfect Scenario" is a masterpiece. I have a copy of its reverse image hanging over my bed.

 
I tried to warn you that the time-space continuum would be disrupted if you met your other self.

 

I've decided to get rid of the dog.
Why?
To be honest, you spend more time with him than you do me. You also hold him and touch him more.
Well, to be honest, you don't lick my balls like he does.
You know I'm allergic to peanut butter.

 

I find myself homeless and penniless due to the price of crude. Damn my addiction to petroleum jelly.
by four_legged_tripod, 2-25-11

 

♫ It’s a quarter after one. I’m a little drunk and I peed just now. ♫
Hey, who sings that song?
Lady Antebellum.
Let's keep it that way.

 

This is our monkey, Spanky.
And this is Chokey, our chicken.
Ha ha. I get it. I bet you even have a dolphin named Floggin'.
Don't be stupid. McFloggin' is the name of our bishop.

 

Where's your father?
He said something about spending some time in the bathroom with a prologue.
Great. If he just started a new book he'll never be out of there.
Now that's a thing of beauty. That is no amateur log if I've ever seen one.

 

What are you in for?
They busted me for doing a 35 in a 10.
You're in jail for doing 35 miles an hour in a 10 mile an hour zone?
No no no no no.
I'm 35 and she was only 10.

 

And this is where the magic happens.
Is this your card?

 

And this is where the magic happens.
Now watch as I get myself out of this straight jacket.

 

And this is where the magic happens.
Who's ready to be sawed in half?

 

And this is where the magic happens.
Oh baby! I'm cumming!
Holy hell! He just disapeared!

 

Mommy! I passed my test today.
Great sweetie. Now we can go get you a toy at the store like I promised.
Hey, I passed my test today too.
UAs don't count.

 

So what's the deal? Have I paid my price? Can I stop being a snail and go back to my monkey form? Are you now letting me into heaven?
Not a chance. I've decided that the life you led, the mistakes you made, and people you've hurt could serve as a reminder to others how not to live.
So you're saying I'm a...
Horrible warning. Not a good example. Now go change lives.
MONKEY!
Charlie Sheen. It's been too long bro.

 

One potato, Two potato...
Three potato, Four!
Five potato, Six potato...
Seven potato...
Enough already! You can't have any more of my fucking potatoes!

 

So God sent you here to show me there error of my ways?
Kinda Charlie. Really, he wants you to learn from my bad behavior.
I'll be showing you what the world would be like if you didn't act the way you're currently acting.
Are we going to be gone long? Cuz if so, I'd like to do a quick line out of that stripper's ass just to hold me over.
A man after my own heart.

 

I can't believe the world would be this much brighter if I had never gone off the deep end with drugs and ass.
You had a much bigger impact on others than you realized.
If you tell me that this nice man over there, the one politely helping the Jewish female cop change her tire, is Mel Gibson, I'm gonna shoot myself in the head.
uh...
.44 or .22?

 

So in this bass-ackwards world where I am sober all of the time, people's lives are better?
Lindsay Lohan and Winona Ryder actually give stuff to others instead of taking it from stores and Kirstie Alley does not have a problem with Ding Dongs?
Yep. And there is one guy in particular who is extremely grateful for this.
This is Mr. Snugglesworth. Thanks to your not doing drugs and whores, he never had to see the inside of Richard Gere's ass.
I know you not, sir, but I will name my children after you for the suffering you have avoided me.

 

To be honest, I find it all bullshit that everyone's lives would be better if I had never partied like I do.
Well, technically not everyone is better off.
What do you mean?
There is a place I need to show you.
"These are all of the out of work transgendered hookers that Eddie Murphy and Hugh Grant never picked up."

 

Hi everybody. I'm Charlie. I snort coke and fuck strippers on Harleys.
I lost my job and my kids. And all that I did,
was get stoned even more than Bob Marley.

 

Okay, so because of not being stoned, I made better choices by not doing Hot Shots, Hot Shots Part Deux, and Major League?
That's right.
And Christopher Nolan offered me the part of Batman in his movies? What else if different?
Gary Coleman is still alive.
So?
Well, let's just say that the premise of Two and a Half Men is not like what you remembered it to be.

 

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Hike.
Hike who?
You're such a dumb ass You don't know you're being dissed In Japanese style
I don't get it.

 

Monkey, I'm done! I've seen enough. Get me out of here.
Oh thank goodness. I'm so ready to move on.
So, are you ready to turn your life around so God will stop hunting me down and let me live my life again?
Fuck no! I'm god around here! My brain kills cancer. Here, just watch what my Adonis DNA can do.
"Every time a bell rings, Monkey's dick begins to sing." *ding*
♫ A little less conversation, a little more action please All this aggravation aint satisfactioning me ♫
Look out karaoke night!

 

Well, thank you Mr. Warlock for the singing penis, but I really need to start living the straight and narrow from now on or God's gonna have my ass.
Look, Monkey, you're in my world now. These fire-breathing fists can get you anything you like. Alcohol, blow, strippers, you name it.
Thanks for the offer, but really, no. I mean it would take a room full of barely teenage girls to make me fall back in my old ways.
Down the hall, third room on the right.
*ding*
♫ Thank heaven for little girls they grow up in the most delightful way! Those little eyes so helpless and appealing one day will flash and send you crashin' thru the ceilin'. ♫
Well, it's good to know that both my heads are thinking the same way!

 

The Malibu Messiah has his own room full of teenage girls. The man knows how to party.
A monkey! How cute. Come here little monkey.
Hey baby, we monkeys are cute because we don't wear clothes. How 'bout you get cuter yourself?
Oh. Dear. God.
What? You were expecting Abigail Breslin maybe?

 

Well, what do you have to say for yourself?
First off, I didn't do anything and secondly you were posing as a little girl so I was technically hitting on you.
So you're saying that you were doing absolutely nothing to entice little girls into having sex with you.
Absolutely nothing.
*ding*
♫ I take you to the candy shop. I'll let you lick the lollipop. Go 'head girl, don't you stop. Keep goin' 'til you hit the spot. ♫
NOT NOW PENIS!

 

I didn't think this would be easy for you. There are a lot of temptations out there and Charlie Sheen does have many powers. But a singing penis?
I know, but just imagine what I could do with this thing!
Oh Jennifer Anniston, I'm so glad you asked me to be more than "Friends."
Oh Monkey, I just couldn't pass up the opportunity to be with you and your singing penis. Let me get the lights.
*ding*
♫ I'll make love to you like you want me to. And I'll hold you tight baby all through the night ♫
♫ muph mif moff muu mo umm mee muf mmm mmm ♫

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