All comics by fpd

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by fpd
1-04-06
Hi Lucy! What do you think?
You sound like Danae, but you don't look like her. Who are you?
It's me, Danae. This is all part of my plan to market Non Sequitur to the Chinese. Listen to this: I ♥ 马. Pretty cool, huh?
You love Mao? Don't you know what a brutal dictator he was? Are you going to sell out your integrity for money?
Well, sure I would. That's how you get ahead in this world. But all I said is I love horses.
Oh, I thought you said something else. I love you too, Danae.

 

by fpd
1-04-06
Hi, I'm Danae, and this is my sister, Kate. When we learned how many potential reader$ were in China, we knew the Chinese market was the one to exploit.
I'm a blonde over in America, but Danae said I needed to look more Chinese.
Non Sequitur is about us, our single dad, whom I totally disrespect, my 马 Lucy, and various other stuff.
And don't forget my dog, Petey! I heard the Chinese just love dogs.
Yeah, they love to eat dogs.
Dad!! Danae is telling lies again! Make her stop!

 

by fpd
1-04-06
Say, Dad, polls show that your approval rating is slipping among preadolescent girls in this household.
Oh Danae, I am already shamed enough by having two children, and both of them girls. Must you shame me more with such disrespect?
I don't get it. What's going on?
A Chinese family should have only one child, and only boys can bring honor to a family by carrying on the family name.
Well, I don't mind getting rid of Kate, but that part about girls bringing shame to the family is just stupid.
Shush, Danae. Don't let anyone hear you talk like that.

 

by fpd
1-04-06
Oh Francine, I so adore you. Please let's run away and get married.
You know I adore you too, Katchoo, but not in that way.
I know. I just don't want to lose you. You mean so much to me.
You know there is a special connection between us. It's just that I'm a straight woman. If I were a lesbian, I would be all over you.
But I'm not a lesbian. It's just that I know we're soulmates.
Then maybe we have lifetimes ahead to be together. But in this lifetime, I'm not comfortable taking it any further than just friends.

 

Damn you, Spork! Even you must feel some emotion over this! You have just told me that the Insectoids have destroyed all life on Earth! How can you be so unmoved?
Did you say something, captain? I got really absorbed in this game of Galaga on my Gameboy.
by fpd, 1-05-06

 

by fpd
1-05-06
You're in my space.
No, I'm not.
Seriously, you're crowding me. You're standing in my personal space.
Oh, I thought you meant I was a member of MySpace.
You're not a member? Why not?
I'm like an audiophile, but for children rather than music, and MySpace, for some silly reason, won't let children sign up.

 

by fpd
1-07-06
Venusians and Vulcans used to be the best of friends.
Oh dearest Spork, take me, take me where no one from Venus has gone before!
Your request is illogical, for I am not in Pon Far right now. Until then, live long and prosper. It may be a while.
Then came the Martians.
Hey baby, want to ride the Mars express? I'll show you what that diagonal arrow coming out of a circle is really all about.
Groovy.
Meanwhile.
My tricorder isn't detecting any Venusians nearby. Logically, it needs debugging. Come, Galatea, back to the workshop.

 

by fpd
1-07-06
Oh Rose, could life be any sweeter than this?
♫Oh Mickey, you're so fine you're so fine you blow my mind, hey Mickey, hey Mickey!♫ Yes, I am so psyched about selling clothes at Grace Brothers.
Oh no! All the mannequins are coming to life. What will I do?
Run!
♫Who are you, who who, who who? I really want to know, who are you, who who, who who.♫
I can feel the spin of the earth, its orbit around the sun, and this moment in time. That's who I am.

 

by fpd
1-07-06
Rose, now that the department store you worked in blew up, what are you going to do for a job?
I'll think about it later, Mum. I'm looking something up on the web.
Hi, I'm Rose Tyler. I'm the one who called you after viewing your website on the Doctor.
Oh yes, come in.
Look, here are some pictures of the Doctor you met. They all come from different time periods.
Wow, this is amazing. It makes me ♫ really want to know who are you, Doctor, who who, who who.♫

 

by fpd
1-07-06
What did that guy tell you about the Doctor?
Hold on a minute, Mickey. The waiter is coming, and you have to get out of the panel.
That's not Mickey, Rose. That's an Auton.
Oh no!
You will not stop the Autons, Doctor.
Oh yes, I will, and I will start with you.

 

by fpd
1-07-06
If you we can trust you, Doctor, what are you doing with that vial of anti-plastic?
Oh that? Don't be such a silly, Nestene Consciousness. It's not like I was going to use it.
I saved your life, Doctor! I kick ass!
You were great, Rose! Want to come travel time and space with me in my TARDIS?
But, Rose, what about me? Please stay here! Surely, nothing beats the mundane life of a London shopkeeper.
♫ Oh Mickey, what a pity you don't understand. ♫ Wait for me, Doctor! Wait for meee!

 

by fpd
1-07-06
Fascinating. I have spent the whole night trying to debug this tricorder, Galatea, but I can find nothing wrong with it.
Maybe the Venusians have left Vulcan.
No, no, that can't be right. Venusians love Vulcans, however illogical an emotion love is. They wouldn't just get up and go like this.
Can you really know for sure? Venusians have such illogical, inscrutable minds.
Yes, that is true. Let me just search the Vulcan Vast Vine for the latest news on Venusians. Yes, indeed, it says "Venus leaves Vulcan for Mars."

 

You know, I think the meaning of life is found in the little quiet moments we take to enjoy things, not in the hustle and bustle of impatiently trying to make things happen. Don't you agree?
Have we died and gone to Limbo? Life is about being on the go, fast-paced, doing new stuff all the time. If I have to keep contemplating my navel, I'm going to go out of my mind!
by fpd, 1-08-06

 

"Gee whiz. If there had only been a shorter line to the confessional, I would have been raptured too."
by fpd, 1-10-06

 

"When I said I wouldn't date you unless you were the last man on earth, I was just being polite."
by fpd, 1-10-06

 

I lo♥e life! I really, really do. I love life so much I could just scream it from the rooftops!!!
I prefer Captain Crunch.
by fpd, 1-10-06

 

I am really getting bored with life. It used to be fun, but now I just hate it.
I know what you mean. Let's play Risk® instead.
by fpd, 1-11-06

 

I don't understand life. I mean, what's it all about? Why should I even be interested in it?
I hear you, sister. This waiting room has the worst selection of magazines. Would it kill them to carry Mad or Cracked?
by fpd, 1-12-06

 

Life is a cereal, a boardgame, a magazine, and a cellular automata computer program. Did I forget anything?
Yes, Life is also a university where you can study to become a chiropractor.
by fpd, 1-12-06

 

If the envirofascists get their way, this could be the future. An apocalyptic nightmare in which plants rule the world, and humans live only as their slaves.
by fpd, 1-12-06

 

Hello, you aren't another Jevohah's Witness, are you? I've had enough of those people.
No, I'm a Devil's Advocate. I was wondering if I might share with you the benefits of selling your soul to Satan. Maybe I could leave a copy of our magazine, the Witchpower.
by fpd, 1-17-06

 

It just isn't fair. Everytime I ask a girl out on a date, she runs away like she's scared to death of me.
I hear you, friend. I just tried to offer my hand in marriage to the woman I love, and she just freaked.
by fpd, 1-17-06

 

Pardon me, sir, but you look like a man who hasn't sold his soul to the devil. May I interest you in coming to one of our black sabbath services?
by fpd, 1-17-06

 

Would you like to come in for a drink?
I thought you would never ask!
by fpd, 1-17-06

 

You want me to engage in a threesome with you and your wife? I thought you said you were a widower.
I am. What do you think we're doing here?
by fpd, 1-17-06

 

Oh, thank goodness you're not Batman. You had me really scared for a moment.
by fpd, 1-17-06

 

Warning: The Adventures of Priestman and Choirboy have not been approved by the Comics Code Authority.
by fpd, 1-18-06

 

by fpd
1-18-06
Walking home from the movies.
Wow, dad, Zorro the Gay Blade was a great movie. I want to be just like Zorro when I grow up.
Aw, kids and their silly dreams. When I was your age, I wanted to be an interior designer. But I grew up and became a wealthy doctor.
Look, Bruce, it's Mailman Joe. He's one of the people in our neighborhood.
I'm a disgruntled mailman now. I trudge through snow and rain for poverty wages, while you live the high life in comfort. Hand over your dough, or I'll blast you.
Well, Bruce, I hope you've learned an important lesson from this. Life is not all fun and games. You sometimes have to take people seriously.
Right, Dad, I have to be serious. And I seriously vow on your bloodied corpse that I will wage war on crime til the end of my days, just as my hero Zorro would.

 

by fpd
1-18-06
Young Bruce Wang took his vow seriously. And he began to train with the best.
McGruff, I would like you to train me to become a detective.
Crime is serious business, kid. Do you have what it takes to study under McGruff, the Crime Dog?
My father, Dr. Thomas Wang, left me lots of money. I can pay you handsomely.
I guess you do have what it takes. Let's begin with forensics. What do you smell here at this crime scene?
It smells like someone just farted.
And can you tell from the scent whose fart it was?

 

by fpd
1-18-06
Bruce Wang trained for years, and the time came for him to fight crime.
Criminals are a superstitious and cowardly lot. I must use that to my advantage somehow.
Shoo, you stupid bat! I'm trying to think!
I have it now. Nothing is more superstitious than religion, and it preys on the fears of the cowardly. So I will dress up as a priest.

 

by fpd
1-18-06
That pea soup was delicious. How did you make it?
Well, the secret ingredient is pee.
Well, duh. I know pea soup is made from peas.
No, pee, p double e. Naturally, we use the very finest pee, taken from bulls fed a very special high protein diet of ground beef and cow patties.
And you can rest assured that it's pure pee. Our milk maids suck off the bulls each day to make sure no cum gets in the pee.

 

by fpd
1-18-06
Hello boy, Uncle Sam wants you to join the U.S. army. Just sign up here, and we'll have you in basic training in no time.
I don't know. What kind of future can I find in the army?
I'll be honest with you. We're at war, and you'll probably be killed. And if you don't come back in a bodybag, you'll probably come down with a neurological disorder.
But at least I could retire as an officer and live on a nice pension the rest of my life, right?
Not likely. Without ROTC training and a college degree, you'll never be an officer. Best case scenario is that you come back wounded and have to beg on the street.
Well, thanks for the offer, but I think I'll pass.

 

♫Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away. Now it looks as though they're here to stay. Oh, I believe in yesterday.♫
by fpd, 1-18-06

 

by fpd
1-18-06
Who is your favorite band?
Yes.
You too?
Not U2.
Oh, I am so happy. Yes, my very favorite band, is the same as yours.
That's why we make such good friends. We are both such fans of the Who.

 

by fpd
1-18-06
Freddie, you are such a freeloader.
So what?

 

by fpd
1-18-06
In the swank penthouse of playboy hustler Bruce Wang.
Bruce, there's a giant cross floating in the night sky.
Mais oui, Dick, it's the Priest signal. Let us go to the Sanctuary.
In mere moments, Bruce Wang and Dick Gayson transform into Priestman and Choirboy.
Holy hangover, Priestman. What kind of criminal mischief do you think is afoot?
We'll know soon enough. Commissioner Hardon is waiting for us.
On top of police headquarters.
Priestman, all the ceramic eggs at the Gothic City Unnatural History Museum have been stolen.
Egad, there is only one fiend so devilishly obsessed with decorated eggs. This must be the work of Bunnyman.

 

by fpd
1-18-06
Well, if it isn't my most strapping nemesis, Priestman. We really have to stop meeting this way.
When will you learn that crime never pays, Bunnyman? Turn yourself in, or I will be forced to resort to fisticuffs.
Hit me, hurt me, spank me. Bring it on, Priestman.
Very well. You've made your bed, and now you'll have to lie in it.

 

by fpd
1-18-06
I have received the most dire news, Priestman. Our police psychiatrist, Dr. Wertham, says you're gay.
Gay? Hardly. I take crime fighting very seriously. In my ever vigilant fight against crime, I have no time for fun and frivolity.
He was talking with Bunnyman, who said he could cut the sexual tension between you two with an axe.
Yes, Bunnyman does carry an axe. But I don't know where you're going with this.
He says you probably give it to Choirboy up the ass.
Well, sure, Choirboy can be an ass at times, with his holy this and holy that shit. Wait, what the fuck are you talking about?

 

by fpd
1-19-06
Out! Out! We don't want your kind here! Read the sign in the window! "NO COLOREDS ALLOWED!"

 

by fpd
1-23-06
Okay, class, we're going to listen to Debussy's "Sérénade a la Poupée."
Serenade for a poopee? Who would write a serenade to a turd? I'll bet it's crap!
That's it! I won't tolerate profanity in this classroom! Go to the principal's office.
But you're the one who started talking about turds. Why don't you teach by example?
For your information, poupée is French for doll.
You said it again! You said poopee! Are you telling me that this is what the French call chicks? Yo, poopee, pardon my French, eh?

 

by fpd
1-23-06
Allegro
Video games are so much fun. Guys who spend all their time with girls don't know what they're missing.
Yeah, they sure don't. This is much better than sex.
Largo
Wow, sex sure looks like a lot of fun. I hope I get to have sex one day. In the meantime, a guy can fantasize.
Presto
Oh, what a cute baby! Is it yours?
No, I'm just holding him for my niece while she tries on clothes. Say, since you like babies so much, how about we make some of our own.

 

by fpd
1-24-06
I would like to offer a truce to the United States. What I mean by this is some time to recoup our forces and plan new attacks on the west
Besides the obvious benefit of planning war in peace, this is also a ploy to get gullible Americans to oppose the war efforts of their government.
With the American people divided, we will eventually come back reinvigorated and topple the U.S., just as we previously did the Soviet Union.

 

by fpd
1-24-06
So, what's wrong with me, doc?
Well, for starters, you're really ugly, and you smell like rotten fish.
I mean medically.
I'm pleased to say that your condition is going to help me put my kids through college and give me plenty of material for medical journal articles.
But you haven't answered my question. What's wrong with me?
You have a serious iatropic disease. The drugs I prescribed for you had serious side effects we didn't know about until thousands of people dropped dead like flies.

 

by fpd
1-24-06
Did you know that the author of this strip doesn't listen to anything more gothic than October Project?
What about Evanescence? He listens to them.
Oh yeah, I forgot about Evanescence. But get this. He actually listens to Yanni and Keiko Matsui. He's a real muzak lover, if you ask me.
Ew. How can he stand to listen to anything so uplifting? If music isn't excrutiatingly painful to listen to, I don't want to hear it.
Indeed, I listen only to death metal groups I can't name, because the author of this strip has never heard of them.
Geez. Listen to how square we talk. The author of this strip doesn't even know whatever counterculture lingo we really speak. Could he be any more square?

 

by fpd
1-25-06
I forgive you.
Thanks.
I forgive you for cruelly ripping my heart out and stomping on it, leaving me in a morass of pain and abject suffering.
Um, okay.
And I forgive you for being a cold-hearted bitch who is unable to muster an ounce of compassion or human decency.
Are you sure you forgive me? You still seem a little bit bitter.

 

by fpd
1-26-06
Fred Phelps
New Orleans was a den of faggotry, and God hates fags.
New Orleans Mayor, Ray Nagin
God is mad at America, not only for Iraq, but also for the violence and infighting among black people in America.
A random hippie
The quickest way to know God is with Salvia Divinorum. God is angry with Lousiana for being the only state in which this drug is illegal.

 

by fpd
1-31-06
Dimmy Dulson, Planet Daily News. Mr. President, leading scientists have announced that the world will be destroyed in 30 days. What's your reaction?
Pish posh. One of those scientists was Greed Gizzards of the Furshlugginer Four. You can bet he was stretching the truth.
But surely you don't mean to imply that he would stretch the truth just because he can stretch his body.
Who's to say that those comic rays that gave him his superpowers didn't mess up his mind. He's not a very reliable source.
But it isn't just Greed Gizzards. Professor Spamilton has corroborated his findings.
Professor Spamilton is an irresponsible alarmist. Isn't he the same guy who was telling everyone he could make their ding dong bigger?

 

by fpd
1-31-06
Gizzards, you're one of the greatest scientific minds in this nation. Brief me on what threat faces the earth in 30 days.
After your press conference, Mr. President, I didn't think you took me seriously.
Selective disinformation. I don't want to cause panic and rioting. I know you wouldn't announce something like this lightly. What's up?
The planet Nibiru is going to smash into earth in 30 days.
You're kidding me, right? All that talk about Nibiru has just been pseudoscience for the gullible.
I wish I were kidding you. Dr. Dummkopf has created a warp between earth's and Nibiru's orbits. In 30 days, Nibiru will fly through the warp and smash into earth.

 

by fpd
1-31-06
But surely there must be something we can do to stop Nibiru from hitting earth.
Short of destroying Nibiru, I can't think of a thing.
Now, there's an idea. We'll just destroy Nibiru, and all will be fine.
But Nibiru is occupied by the Annunaki. Who are we to sacrifice them to save ourselves? It isn't the superheroic thing to do.
Who gives a shit if it's not superheroic? Our planet is at stake! Aren't you cockamamie superheroes good for anything?
Well, maybe we could stop it with a superhero crossover extravaganza. But I can't promise anything, since these usually happen only during the summer.

 

by fpd
1-31-06
Holy Apocolypse, Priestman. The earth is doomed unless us superheros can stop it.
You said it, Choirboy. But with the Teen Tighties, the Outfielders, the Justice Sorority, the Offenders, the Revengers and the Furshlugginer Four on the case, earth is surely safe.
Bulk smash Nibiru!
Now, Bulk, we don't need to resort to such violent means. As master of the mescalin arts, I'm sure to come up with a better solution.
You are so hot, Donner. Let's do it before the earth is destroyed.
Fear not, Iron Maiden. Midgard shall not be destroyed. We superheros save the world on a monthly basis. This time shall be no different.

Showing page 9.

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