All comics by mmyers

Profile

 

by mmyers
10-20-03
Well, we like the car, we just feel like it might be a little out of our price range.
Let me go talk to my boss and see if we can work something out.
See? This is the part that I hate. One minute, everything is fine and calm, the next, it's a high pressure car sale. I just can't tell what these cats are thinking.

 

by mmyers
10-20-03
*click*
zzzzzzzzzzzz
Hey, what were you doing sleeping in my room?
This is MY room. What are you doing in here?
So it's like that, is it, my little pinyata? You just watch yourself, pally, or I'll get my bat and spread your candy goodness all over the carpet.
One of us has had a little too much cerveza to drink, I'm guessing.

 

by mmyers
10-20-03
Look, jes_, I appreciate your help, but you're from IT so I imagine that if this goes over an hour, your help might get expensive.
Well, yeah, we work under contract, at about 50 quid an hour, give or take. Can you afford that?
Yes. No. Maybe, it depends. What's a quid? If it's a potato chip, then yes.
I'm guessing that you can't afford me on a filing clerk budget.
Yeah. Don't worry about me, though. I've got that whole "Chosen One" thing going for me, so I should be fine.
hdb!

 

by mmyers
10-21-03
What can I get you, 'mam?
Oh, I'm very cold. Could I get a hot chocolate, please? The mall is freezing. Can you turn the heat up in the mall?
Sorry, I don't control the mall's temperature. Here you go, here's your hot chocolate. Be careful, it's hot.
Don't tell me what to do! Everything here is too expensive and...ouch, this hot chocolate is hot! It burned me when I gulped it! I'm going to sue like that McDonald's lady.
Are you fucking kidding me? It's a hot chocolate, the first word in hot chocolate being the adjective 'hot', describing how the chocolate is made. It's not a TEPID Chocolate.
I'm never coming back to Barnie's again and you can be sure that I won't be caught dead mall walking in this mall ever again.

 

by mmyers
10-21-03
Anatomy
The heart, lungs, and other vital organs are protected by the area of bones known as the ribs.
Excuse me, but what do the McRibs protect?
Oceanography
Mr. Cousteau? When are we going to learn about the habitat of the filet-a-fish?
The filet-a-fish? Are you talking about that square thing at McDonald's? Sir, I know fish and that is not fish, it is a crime against God.
Criminal Law
Robble robble, robble, robble-robble.
Man, this is the last time that I take criminal law from the HamBurglar.

 

by mmyers
10-21-03
And with this 35 inch TV, you'll be able to watch all the movies you wanted to see at the theater in your own home.
We'll take it.
He said we could watch all the movies that should be seen on the big screen on our own TV.
Oh man, I know the first thing I want to see. One of the biggest spectacles of them all...
Later...
Man, the pond really does look golden.
And you can see every single line in Peter Fonda's face.

 

by mmyers
10-22-03
Great Caesar's ghost! Who or what are you?!
Well, actually, I'm Great Caesar's Ghost. I've come back from the dead to give you vital information, Thor. You're lost pliers are under your bench.
That's it? You came back from the dead to tell me that? I was lead to believe that death reveals all of life's mysteries.
Oh it does, but that gets boring pretty quick, so then you start farting around, you know, trying to impart whatever cryptic info you can to the living.
Hey Caesar, there's some hot chicks bathing at the bath house.
Sorry Thor, we gotta run. Don't forget what I've told you.

 

by mmyers
10-22-03
So it seems that we are at a stand still. I cannot make you do the Matrix sheets, and you are doomed to a lifetime of micromanagement.
I can't live like that. I must do something drastic.
W-w-wait, what are you doing?
I'm destroying our fragile office reality in the hope that the next generation won't make the same mistakes we have. So long cruel cube farm!

 

by mmyers
10-22-03
Great googly-moogly, this office is a mess. It looks like a bomb went off in here.
Yes sir. So far, we haven't found any survivors, just a couple fax machines and years and years of worthless files.
Officer, I need you to pick up the files, put them in some kind of order, catalogue them, and then keep a record of everything you've accomplished today.
Seems like kind of a waste of time, detective. I think it'd be better to...
We don't pay you to think, officer, we pay you to file... I mean fight crime. Don't forget to write down everything you do.
The End????

 

by mmyers
10-22-03
*click*
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...
Hey, what were you doing sleeping in my room?
This is MY room. What are you doing in here?
Oh, my mistake. Just turn the lights out and go back to sleep.
Not so fast. Answer me this, why is there this gash in my chest and why am I feeling woozy and why is there a kidney floating in your beer mug?

 

by mmyers
10-23-03
Boy, how much crap do you think gets thrown in here on a daily basis?
Hard to say...

 

by mmyers
10-23-03
Hey jack ass, what's the big idea slamming on your brakes like that?
You hit the back of my car! Would you look at the back of my car? All my precious bumperstickers are lost.
What are you, some kind of religious fanatic? All those stickers with bible verses on them. If God really was your pilot, he should have seen this coming.
Oh-no, I wouldn't make fun of that. You see, God really is my pilot, I ride shotgun. He was just answering his cellphone.
Bitch about my driving will ya.
See? Now you've done it, you've got him rilled up. This is how famines start.

 

by mmyers
10-23-03
From his humble beginnings as a ne'er-do-well plumber up to his days as an adventurer, one man has tried to do it all on his own terms.
Tonight, we take an indepth look at the man, the myth, the legend known simply as Super Mario. We have Mario live from his ranch in Sicily. Mario, how are you?
Is-sa theesa thing on? I can see-ah his lips-ah a moving but I-ya can't hear-ah heem. Hello-a?
A-moo-ah.

 

by mmyers
10-23-03
Hello, Mario? Can you hear me now? Ah-hahahaha! Get it? It's like that guy from the commercial? Haha...
Yes-ah, Mario can-ah I hear you now. I jussa wanna say thanks fora having me ona.
Certainly, certainly. Let's get right to it, shall we? You burst on the scene 22 years ago, making frontpage headlines fighting a big ape. What was that like?
Ah, it wasa no bigga deal. Somebody-ah put a big hammersa alla over the factory-ah, I just pickeda them up.
But what about the barrels, Mario, then the flaming barrels? Bet you never counted on having to jump and smash those.
Wella, I'll admita that that wassa a big surprise. I jumpa wrong and land onna flaming barrel. Doctors saya Mario's chances for childrena, nota so good.

 

by mmyers
10-23-03
And from that, Mario, for the next 22 years of your life, you've been doing an adventure of some sort, rescuing a princess, gambling, even driving a go-cart.
Yesa. It's been a full-a life.
In all that time, Mario, any regrets? Ever wished you'd started a family? Retired?
I'lla admita, some-a-times it getsa little lonely, you knowa? Too quieta around tha housea? Sometimes I wished I'da spend lessa time being Super and more timea being Mario. *sob**sob*
Maybe we should take a commercial break while Super Mario pulls himself back together.
No, it'sa OK. Sometimes it's jussa hard being a plumbinga-adventuring-goa-cart drivera. Something gotta give, you know?

 

by mmyers
10-23-03
Let's talk about the 80s, Mario. On camera you had everything going your way, left to right, but off-screen it was a different story. Let's talk about your drug problems, Mario.
Wella, the 80s werea a hard timea. It seema like everywhere Mario looka, there another gold coin, here another princess, there anothera 1up.
And what about the mushrooms, Super Mario?
Oh mana, musharooms seemed to be everywhere. I takea one and for awhilea, I feel like a biga man, then something hit me, and I feela small. It wasa viscious cycle
And the women, Mario?
There werea women everywhere, but ita always feel like,um, how you saya? My princessa always in anothera castle?

 

by mmyers
10-23-03
Super Mario, we've got a little blast from the past for you. Now we tried to get Donkey Kong here, but due to his religious convictions, he declined.
I haven'ta spoken to him in 15 yearsa, and ita willa be cold day in hella before I do againa.
"Instead, we bring you, live from a Carnival Oceanliner, where he is now performing his one chimp show, Donkey Kong Jr."
Trent. Mario. It's good to be here. Oop, hold on a sec. Hey titties, grab me a scotch and soda, hold the soda.

 

by mmyers
10-23-03
Now Donkey Kong Jr., please state your birth name for us.
Sure. It's Donkieus Kongstein, the 3rd. Donkey Kong Jr. is just a stage name. At the time, it was hard for a jewish chimp to break into video games.
And how old are you now days, DK junior?
In chimp years, I'm 22 years old. In human years, I'm 23 years old. I was 4 when the game came out.
You had to grow up fast back then, hardly having a childhood.
Yeah, back then it was pretty much me and Drew Barrymore partying all the time. I kept on wearing diapers way more years than I care to admit. *sob**sob*

 

by mmyers
10-24-03
And junior, what were those early years like for your dad and you?
It was hard. Mario was obsessed with Dad, following him everywhere.
That'sa monkey shita.
He just wanted to hang out with Princess Toadstool and throw some barrels, but you wouldn't let it him. He'd try to hang out in a factory, you'd go there. He'd climb to a different part, so would you.
I heara her voicea, "Helpa! Helpa!" Over and over she cry, "Helpa!" I savea her, next thinga I know I got Kong's crazy assa kid throwing bananas at me.
Listen dickface, like it says in the bible, "Monkey see, monkey do." Well this monkey fucking did, man.

 

by mmyers
10-24-03
All right guys, we're getting a little off topic here. Jr, looks like we're about out of time for you but we appreciate your appearing with us.
My pleasure, Trent. It's nice to set the record straight.
"Murr! Murr-MURR! Meee-Mur, murr-MEEE-mee."
All right Mario. We've got another blast from the past for you. Tell me, do you recognize this voice?
Hey! That'sa my old pal a-Yoshi.
You have presumed correctly old boy, 'tis I, you're old chum and colleague Yoshi.

 

by mmyers
10-24-03
We appreciate your joining us Yoshi. Where exactly are you right now?
Honey, breakfast is ready.
I'm having chamomile tea, darling. Sorry Trent. I'm at my domocile, my beach house on the coast of Honalee.
Gooda God, Yoshi. Timea hasa ravaged youra once bashfula good looks.
Well, old friend, many of us are unable to afford the Botox injections and plastic surgery required to avoid the aging process. Aha-ha-ha.

 

by mmyers
10-24-03
You disgust me. How can you eat meat like that?
Hey man, somethings must die so that other things may live, you know?
Right on!
Hey, are you God?
Let me guess, you thought I'd be taller.

 

by mmyers
10-28-03
One bar... two bars... no bars... two bars... two bars... one bar ...no bars... one bar... three bars! one bar... no bars...
Two bars... one bar... no bars... one bar... two bars... two bars ...no bars... three bars... four bars! two bars... no bars...
three bars... one bar... no bars...
QUIT LOOKING AT YOUR PHONE!

 

by mmyers
10-28-03
Boy, how much crap do you think gets thrown in here on a daily basis?
Hard to say...
But man is it a shame when people throw away a perfectly good white boy like this, though.

 

by mmyers
10-28-03
Yoshi, I can't help but notice that you are not talking in the garble and burbles that you are known for. What gives?
Ah yes, the sweet chirping and beeping that I normally employ. The year was 19 and 96. I was fresh out of Juilliard, star struck and looking for a break.
I was, shall we say, wet behind the ears. My agent called, telling me of an audition for the sidekick to mario in his next game.
I leapt at the opportunity when she told me.
Re-enactment
They want you to audition, kid. Two questions. Can you drive a go-cart and are you willing to do anal?
But of course. Two questions. What's a 'go-cart' and what is 'anal'?

 

by mmyers
10-29-03
Re-enactment
All right fellas, we're going to do a screentest, see how you two look together. We need you guys to improvise a little something.
Here's the scene. You're lost, you're scared, you've only got each other to depend on, and the twist is... you're in a blender. ACTION!
My senses burn! This blender is whirling me around to and fro' and the blades are coming closer. As I shuffle from this mortal coil, may mine last breath be one of triumph and not fear.
Ah cutta! Atell me he-a ain't gonna really talka like that.
How am I speaking that bothers you? I can try to speak differently. I can do accents. I was trying to evoke the experience of being trapped in a blender.
This isa bullshita. Mario willa be in his trailera. Somebody-ah needs to fetch me a decafa mocha and some Spaghetti-o's.

 

by mmyers
10-29-03
And thus, due to Mario's own insecurities, the sophisticated journeyman character of Yoshi became the affable goof Yoshi. I was happy to have steady income, though.
And can you tell us the inside story regarding Mario riding around on your back?
Yes of course, the "Piggy back incident." Mario was under contract negotiations and began ranting that nowhere did it say that he had to walk around so it was written in that I'd carry him. Degrading.
Hey, I hada pulled a musclea in my backa.
Looks like we're about out of time, Yoshi. Are there any projects you're working on or things you'd like to plug?
My new book 'I'm not Yoshi' comes out Nov 18, I'm in negotiations with the PAX network for a "Kittens are funny" special, I'm performing A Doll's House in New York, and I sell crafts @yoshigifts.com.

 

by mmyers
10-29-03
Mario, we're quickly running out of time. As a bit of a wrap up, we've invited some of your contemporaries to say a few words.
This is a cut throat business, you know? To his face, Mario and I were always cool, but behind his back, I always wanted to kill him. Respect.
Link from Zelda here. Mad props to Mario for staying hip. Mario is always riding the crest. Driving games get hot, Bang! Marios got a driving game out; fight games are hot? He gets one. What's next?
Hey dude, Frogger here. Most of us old timers are dead now. Q-Bert OD'd, Pitfall Harry died of a scorpion bite, Spy Hunter: car accident. They chewed us up and spit us out like it was Burger Time.
Mario! This isa Luigi, you sumbitch! You throwa me a bonea every few yearsa to be in somea go-cart game and you thinka thats enough to pay me back?
The namea on the marquee wasa Mario BROTHERS. You dropa the Brothers but keepa the Mario. You forgota where you comea from, you sumbitch.

 

by mmyers
10-30-03
Sir, I must inform you that the tacos I purchased are substandard. The meat is old and unmeatlike, the chips are stale, the tomatos aren't ripe.
Taco Bell and Taco Bell enterprises never claimed to serve quality food, only that you wouldn't be hungry after you ate here.
That's why we call it FAST food and not GOOD food.
Oh.

 

by mmyers
10-30-03
Tate Agricultural high school, circa 1990...
Dang baby, you're 'bout the hottest thang in all Home Economics. What say we go out on Friday?
Um, I'm a dude. I just happen to have long hair.
Fag.

 

by mmyers
10-30-03
Hiya, Joe.
Howdy do, Ern.
Seen Ed around?
Not since sensitivity training.
Sums' a my bestest friends is negras. Fact is, I almose asked a negra to prom wit' me.

 

by mmyers
10-31-03
Filing Clerk, the costume contest is about to start...hey, what are you dressed up as?
I'm a down-trodden member of the proletariat, degraded and demoralized by a system that fails to recognize or encourage me, that refuses me advancement or hope.
And a fluffy bunny.

 

by mmyers
11-01-03
Halloween is a great time for children. It's a time when kids don't need to worry about gangs and instead can worry about creepy old child molesters and their houses.
They don't have to worry about drugs and psychopathic gun toating teenagers and instead can worry about razor blades and cyringes in candy and bag snatching thugs.
Halloween is a time when kids can just be kids.

 

by mmyers
11-03-03
When I saw the ad in the newspaper, I never realized how glamorous an assistant job could be. Now I live on this cool farm, with my own bull named Charles.
I prefer Chuck.
I just finished alphabetizing all your porn by ethnicity and hooter size.
Sweet! I also have this kick ass trophy wife that does whatever I want her to, a fast car, and an awesome job that I can be proud of!
Hey Roger, it's 8:45, time for you to give me my gin and tonic colonic so they won't smell the alcohol on my breath at my 10 o'clock meeting.
Did I mention that I have a fast car and a trophy wife?

 

by mmyers
11-03-03
Here at Honorable Ninja Used Cars, there is no high pressure sales, no hassel. In fact, you may not know our sales ninjas are there at all.
I wonder if I should get the Kia in red or black? And there's no sales slip on it telling me how much it is.
Where is everyone? I wish there was someone around who could tell me how much this black car is!
*Woosh*
Wow, a bill for the car just appeared in my hands. Hey, 3.9% APR! That's a great deal. I'll take it. Thanks Honorable Ninja!

 

by mmyers
11-03-03
And at Honorable Ninja's, I will beat my competitor's best price. You get my lowest price first. It would be dishonorable not to give low prices.
Hey Honorable Ninja! I just saw that Dodge Derango for $1000 less at Bob Rider Dodge.
*Slice*
Honorable Ninja will not be undersold by Bob Rider Dodge!
Did you just cut off my arm? Because I'm having problems feeling my right arm now.

 

by mmyers
11-03-03
Honorable Ninja will fight high prices to the death! High prices, I challenge you to stop being a coward and face me. You disgrace yourself.
And Honorable Ninja has balloons and hot dogs for infants every Fourth of July, along with firecrackers that are illegal in the US.
Honorable Ninja most big time high volume car super-star.
Honorable Ninja, I'll kill myself if you are able to find a better deal. Master Honorable Ninja, I will sneak up on high prices and cut their throats. Domo arigato.

 

by mmyers
11-04-03
Our ordering ninja has dishonored himself by ordering too many 2003 model cars. Now, his reason to commit suicide is your reason to commit savings.
We are jam backed and must make room for our 2004 models that are arriving next weekend. Prices have been drastically chopped.
Come see me, Honorable Ninja, were I am coming out of the shadows when they are least expecting it to strangle high prices with piano wire. Syanara!

 

by mmyers
11-04-03
Satan, I've been looking over the books for the first three quarters and we are way in the red, fiscally speaking.
That's good for Satan, yes? Being in the red, like fire and flames and torture?
No, being in the red is bad. What we want to be is in the black.
In the black like being in eternal darkness and damnation?
Yes, I suppose. I'm looking at your receipts, there are some enormous expenditures so far. The debit card has several charges for over $10,000 on it.
Satan prefers not to show his ID so he uses his debit card. Satan remembers the embarassment of that basketball guy from the commercial.

 

by mmyers
11-05-03
So what are you trying to tell Satan?
You need to cut your expenditures. You're way over budget.
But Satan must buy things in order to purchase people's souls. If someone offers their soul for a 1969 Mustang, Satan must give them that Mustang.
Look Satan, have you ever tried haggling with them? Don't just jump at their first offer.
Later...
Yes Satan could make you walk again, but then Satan would be doing it all for you. Satan doesn't want to give you a carrot, Satan wants to teach you how to farm.
Carrots? What the fuck are you talking about, dude? I just wanna fucking walk, man.

 

by mmyers
11-05-03
I wish I had a zillion dollars. I'd sell my soul for a zillion dollars. Woe!
*Foosh*
Hey, your Satan! Are you going to offer me a zillion dollars in exchange for my soul?
Satan is going to do better than that, Satan is going to offer you this set of "Great presidents of the US" collector's plate set in exchange for your soul.
What?
Past plates have gone up nearly 5Xs in value according to the Bradford Exchange. Satan should warn you that not all plates go up in value, but Satan thinks you should look at them as an investment.

 

by mmyers
11-05-03
OK Filing Clerk, we need you to fill all of these envelopes with benefits info. You'll need to put in paperwork for 401K, HMO, POS, Dental, LTD, STD, and AD and D.
AD and D?
Lo, Ottar realizes that in this market, he should not have invested so much into his 401K. We should go to the next town and ask people if they can help us.
True. I have heard there is a fierce dragon there. I had better sign up for Short Term Disability should I be injured in said battle.
AD and D means Advanced Death and Dismemberment so you can quit smiling.
Dismemberment?

 

by mmyers
11-06-03
50,000 ants working together day and night, loading 10 trillion grains of sand piece by piece into a delicate labrynth of pathways, all for the glory of me, a beautiful queen.
Yes, it is a wonderous time to be alive.
*FLOOSH*
It's kind of hard to maintain one's dignity when you're being urinated upon.
I'm torn on whether we should start rebuilding now or wait to make sure he's done. I think he's tapping now.

 

by mmyers
11-06-03
The copier is broken.
I know.
Aren't you going to do anything about it?
I'm not important enough to have it fixed. Someone more important than me has to be inconvienced before they call someone to fix it.
That's ridiculous.
They call it 'budget restrictions.'

 

by mmyers
11-07-03
Could someone please explain to me why there's lipstick on the watercooler nozzle?
I forgetted my cup todays so I just suckded the water out like a teet.
Note to self: Drink sulfuric acid today.

 

by mmyers
11-07-03
Here at Honorable Ninja and Son Used Cars, low prices and assassination are our game. We've got a sneaky deal on a new Eclipse...
Dad, I feel ridiculous in this outfit. Can't I wear my FUBU jumpsuit instead?
No! FU-BOO is a disgrace to your ninja heritage! Your grandfather did not wear FU-BOO, he wore ninja garb. Your great grandfather did not...
Man, this is bullshit. I'm outta here, for shizzle.
A ninja does not walk away from someone, he disappears! You throw a smoke grenade this instant! Don't you hide in those bushes.

 

by mmyers
11-07-03
Hello, I'm reporting live for the ANN, as we are watching a young ant attempt to break the power record by lifting a rock 10 times his body weight. Here he goes.
One... *ugh*Two...*ugh* Three!
I'm so glad Grammy gave me this magnifying glass to study nature.

 

by mmyers
11-07-03
Mooooooom!
There's a monster in my closet!
Oh, don't be silly, here, I'll show you.
See, honey? It's just Dracula or something. It's Dracula or some wrestler or something. He's wearing jewelry so he might be Mr T.
Damnit, I'm Nosferatu. Don't you ever watch TV? Sheesh.

 

by mmyers
11-10-03
Where are you going?
I'm going downstairs to make myself some food.
I wish we were rich so we could have some guy who made us all our food and would bring it to us in bed.
Yeah, but instead I'll be throwing a fishstick TV dinner in the oven, which is pretty much the opposite of being rich.
I say, old boy, have you tried the Swanson's Hungry Man chicken dinner? It is ever so delightful.
Indeed! One pound of meat, and veggies too! I am fond of the brownie that is included. Truly the perfect meal.

 

by mmyers
11-10-03
Hey Filing Clerk, how do you like working at the opera?
Everyone sings in Italian. I don't understand a single word.
That must get pretty confusing.
I like it, actually. It's very liberating to just be like "I don't know what the fuck you are saying" and walking away. I feel like a migrant worker.
Well, except I have to pay taxes.

Showing page 9.

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