All comics by umfumdisi

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by umfumdisi
12-07-03
Let's play in the street!
I'm roadkill.

 

by umfumdisi
12-07-03
The SIX Stages of MAN
Stage 1: Shit Machine to Tantrum Thrower
Stage 2: Whippersnapper to Smartass
Stage 3: Puberty
Stage 4: Idealist to Realist
Stage 5: Consumer to Condemner
Stage 6: Old Fart to Worm Fodder

 

by umfumdisi
12-08-03
Respect Indigenous Peoples!
Resistance Is Futile.
Retreat Into Paris?
Rifle Is Fired!
Rest In Peace.
Reading Is Fundamental.

 

by umfumdisi
12-08-03
Good sir knight, I beseech thee, slay yon dragon what bogarts mine castle. Shouldst thou defeat said fiery-breathed beast, I shall rewardest thou with the hand of myne daughter
Not a prob, your highholiness.
Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!
I can't sleep for all these screaming knights!
Zounds--another knight expired! Daughter fairest, how dost thou feel about wedding a dragon?
Is he cute?

 

by umfumdisi
12-08-03
Princess Fair, dost thou forswear to lure knights into hopeless battle with thine husband, scratch the places he can not reacheth, and rubbeth his scaly skin with fragrant oils?
I doth.
And Good Sir Dragon, dost thou forswear to honour and cherish your bride, give over to her half your hoarded treasures, and swear NOT to eateth her for all the days of your beastly existence?
Halfeth? I want a pre-nup!

 

by umfumdisi
12-08-03
And so the party of the first part, forwith to be known as Sir Dragon, shall agree to share future treasures with the party of the second part, herewith known as Princess Fair.
In exchange, the party of the second part shall keep the dowry set aside by the party of the third part, forever known as Kingly The Great, until the death of the second party or...
I hate lawyers *snort*
until the third party names a male heir--at which point the dowry of lands forfeits back to the party of the third..... I say, doest any of the parties smell smoke?

 

by umfumdisi
12-08-03
And so the dragon agreed to drop the pre-nup in exchange for the dowry of my Princess Fair.
They honeymooned at the Cliffs of Dover, and everything wenteth beautifully until the day they decided to purchase a used carriage.
Honorable Ninja Used Carriages:
Maiden Fair, do not panic--an evil dragon follows you!
THWOK! SNORT!! SHIMMY!! THUD!
Beautiful one, I have dispatched the loathsome beast--cutting him lower than my price on this hail-damaged '98 Caprice.
MY HERO!

 

by umfumdisi
12-09-03
Hullo.
STOP. YE SHALL NOT PASS UNTIL YE ANSWER MY QUESTIONS!!
Okeh.
WHAT IS YOUR QUEST?
I seek my long-lost twin.
How long has it been since you've seen your twin?

 

by umfumdisi
12-09-03
I haven't seen my brother since 1974.
DO YOU LIKE CHEESE?
I love cheese. Listen, is there a point to these questions?
YES, I NEED GOSSIP MATERIAL FOR MY VISIT WITH THE GATEKEEPER.
I have hemorrhoids--painful, flaring, itchy hemhorrhoids. Is that enough?
YOU MAY PASS!

 

by umfumdisi
12-09-03
Didn't I just talk to you?
I'm trying to find my long-lost brother.
WHAT IS YOUR QUEST?
Okay.
STOP. YE SHALL NOT PASS UNTIL YE ANSWER MY QUESTIONS!!
Howdy.

 

by umfumdisi
12-09-03
YOU MAY PASS...AGAIN!
Grilled Cheese.
WHAT KIND OF SANDWICH?
I forgot my sandwich?
IF I ALREADY LET YOU PASS, WHY ARE YOU BACK HERE?
Uh, yeah, we did just talk, so why don't you let me cross?

 

by umfumdisi
12-09-03
I wonder how long this damn bridge is?
I've been walking for 26 minutes.
*Sigh*

 

by umfumdisi
12-09-03
I wonder why Todd Bridges didn't run for Governor of California? *Sigh*
Good thing I brought 26 grilled cheese sandwiches.
Damn this bridge is long!

 

by umfumdisi
12-09-03
Holy Hockey Pucks!
Hot Damn!

 

by umfumdisi
12-09-03
BROTHER!?!
BROTHER!?!

 

by umfumdisi
12-09-03
"I'm Mr. Icicle, I'm Mr. Snow. I'm Mr. White Christmas, I'm Mr. Ten-Below. Friends call me Snow Miser, whatever I touch turns to snow in my clutch. I'm too much!"
"I'm Mister Green Christmas. I'm Mister Sun. I'm Mister Heat Blister. I'm Mister Hundred and One. They call me Heat Miser, whatever I touch starts to melt in my clutch. I'm too much!"

 

by umfumdisi
12-09-03
It was nice seeing you again. Take care, brother.
Yeah, so long, Mr. Preparation H!

 

by umfumdisi
12-11-03
Boy, this year is going to be an interesting one.
Why boss? roduction is through the roof, and morale has never been better since we all switched to Geico.
That's just it. The Naughty Index is up to 89% this year! We're overstocked!
Holy Jizz Turrets, Santa! What are we going to do?
Great party, dcom! I brought the pussy--just like you asked.
I'd kill myself, but I'm already dead.

 

by umfumdisi
12-11-03
Boy, this year is going to be an interesting one.
Why boss? Production is through the roof, and morale has never been better since we all switched to Geico.
That's just it. The Naughty Index is up to 89% this year! We're overstocked!
Holy Jizz Turrets, Ken! What are we going to do?
And you're SURE that's what little Johnny asked for?
It's right here in the letter--Jizz Turrets.

 

by umfumdisi
12-15-03
Happy Birthday, Jesus! Santa sends his love...and this present.
That milk-swilling glory hound? Put it with the others.
...and I want a doggy, and another leg for Jimmy, and a seashell, and a Polly Perky Tits dolly, and...
For the last time, I'm not Santa!! Now go play in Saddam's bunker.

 

by umfumdisi
12-15-03
Harold, Mom says you have to get OFF the computer so I can do MY homework.
*twirp*
Look, bitch, if I'm going to make comic #200000 on stripcreator, I have to stay on here 24/7.
I'm taking your bird, asshole. BTW, we're having squab for dinner.
Refresh DAMMIT!!

 

by umfumdisi
12-15-03
"He who bends to himself a joy
Doth the wing-ed life destroy
But he who kisses the joy as it flies
Lives in eternity's sunrise."
Thank you, William Blake.
Hi, I'm Clark Claxton from the Dead Poets' Royalties Society. You owe us ten cents.

 

by umfumdisi
12-15-03
"In the meadow, we can build a snowman, and pretend that he is Parson Brown. He'll say..."
Are you married?
"We'll say, 'No, man, but you can do the job when you're in town."
"Later on, we'll conspire as we...Dance into the fire--the faded sound of broken dreams. Dance into the fire...with a view to a kill...."
Damn you, Duran Duran!

 

by umfumdisi
12-15-03
damn gas

 

by umfumdisi
12-16-03
*knock* *knock* *knock*
What do YOU want?
An assful of hot lead!
Alright, I'll get my gun.
My hero.

 

by umfumdisi
12-16-03
Damn, that matador is slippery today!
I herd he uses Oil of Olé.

 

by umfumdisi
12-17-03
Doc, you gotta help me!
At $5 for 15 minutes, I can help anyone. What's wrong?
It's awful. Every morning I ride to work with people from the office and on the way to work we have to go under the river.
I know there are lights and stuff down there, but being under anything freaks me out.
And next week, I have to drive everyone. I don't think I can do it. What's wrong with me?
Sounds like an extreme case of Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.

 

by umfumdisi
12-17-03
Man, that guy next door at Discount Psychiatrist is nuts.
You're telling me.
Say, you look pretty familiar.
I get that from a lot of suck--er, patients.
Anyway, I need a physical for insurance purposes.
Great, I need a patient for insurance fraud purposes.

 

by umfumdisi
12-17-03
Hello. My physician recommended your pharmacy--I like the quaint spelling. Here's the prescription.
Dang, I wish I could read. Oh well, it's all just ground up pig nuts.
So how long will it take to get this filled?
One nut, two nut, three--uh, depends on how long I have to chase the pigs.
What?
Gimme two hours.

 

by umfumdisi
12-17-03
Dang, I've been running errands all day. I'm so hungry I could eat the South end of a Northbound mule!
Oh good, a restaurant. The Farmacy is so far out of town, I didn't think I'd find a place to eat.
Welcome to Discount Foodstuffs. May I take your order?
Hmmm. I can't decide if I want the "Oops, I Ate It Again" or "Smells Like Teen Spritz" combo...
Heh, like it matters. It's all just ground up pig nuts.
What the hell, I'll try the "Kind Of Pork" with "Lakini's Juice" to drink.

 

by umfumdisi
12-18-03
Dear Nobody: For some reason no one around the office can remember, you have been chosen to receive a free Robo-Buddy...
hello, i want to be your friend.
Robo-Buddy does not do anything special. It is not entertaining. It will not do household chores. It is not very smart.
ooh...a toaster. i want to be YOUR friend.
For these reasons, no one will pay us for Robo-Buddy. If you can find any use for Robo-Buddy, please let us know ASAP. Until then, enjoy your new Buddy.
i seem to have sprung a leak and ruined your carpet!

 

by umfumdisi
12-18-03
Hey, Spot, have you seen Robo-Buddy?
I think he was in the bathroom.
Crap, I thought I locked the doors to every room. What was he doing?
It looked like he was loosening the screws on the toilet. Why?
No reason...

 

by umfumdisi
12-20-03
Yeah, I tried Pedro for a while, but Kyle sounded more natural.
Cool. Say, did I ever tell ye about the time I lived in Mississippi?
Nay.
T'was awful. One time I swore on the Sabbath, and I had to choose between two punishments. One was to eat 1000 cotton bugs. The other was to be put in a box and covered with 10000 cotton bugs.
Whatever did ye do?
It was easy. I chose the lesser of two weevils.

 

by umfumdisi
12-20-03
If I can find that damn Robo-Buddy, I'm going to throw him back in his box, nail the damn box shut, and ship him back to California.
I think I heard something in the garage...I'll go check.
In the garage...
ooh. the intoxicating fumes of this red canister smell good enough to drink. *glug, glug*
That's gasoline, you stupid hunk of steel. EDWARD, HE'S IN HERE!!
For all the trouble you've caused, I think I'll just put one of these nails in you, you little Robo-Bastard.
"Come on, Baby, do the Lo-Co-Motion!"

 

by umfumdisi
12-20-03
EDDIE, DON'T...
*tink*
BLAMMO!
Auuuuuuugh! You will pay for this, RoBoCo of America!
My butt...I can't feel my butt.

 

by umfumdisi
12-20-03
I'M LEAVING FOREVER YOU USELESS SACKS OF MONKEY SHIT!
Heh--just kidding. You should be so lucky.
I mostly just want to wish everyone Happy Holidays.
And with Christmas week coming up, I'll be pretty busy delivering toys and whatnot.
So, for the dates December 22-26, I've asked five of my favorite catoonists if they would be so kind as to write UMFUMDAILY strips while I'm gone. They said, "Whatever."
So tune in this week to see comics by Matt Groening, Bill Griffith, B. Kliban, Gary Larson, and Charles M. Schultz. C-ya later, umfum.

 

by umfumdisi
12-25-03
BEATNIK,
ST. NICK,
GOAT ON A CHAIR;
HOT CHICK,
LAME FLICK,
BADLY DRAWN BEAR.

 

by umfumdisi
12-25-03
Hey, Zippy, you old Roll-over Chock. Howzit going?
Ah, my old Air Force buddy--Relentless Jargon. Looks like you've put off a few pounds.
You sound like a Bitchin' Betty. But you're right, I'm just a Desert Queen
I could eat a snickers blizzard right now.
Yeah. Things haven't been the same since those Below The Zone Butter Bars Stomped Our Dicks Into Beaver Tails. What do you think, Zippy?
Thunderbirds Are Go!

 

by umfumdisi
12-25-03
LIFE IN HELL
Life is hell.
Love is hell.
War is hell.
Peace is hell.
Pisces hell?
Pies in shell?

 

by umfumdisi
12-25-03
Prison Cell?
Fission Sell?
Fish on Sale?
Fish on scale?
Scale on fish.
Scallion Dish.

 

by umfumdisi
12-25-03
Licorice.
Liquor Wish?
Quicker Kiss?
Cricket Miss?
Chirstmas List?
Christmas Wish.

 

by umfumdisi
12-25-03
Look everybody! It's the seldom-used Franklin character.
S'up Beethoven?
Actually, my name is Schroeder. However, I do play the piano and idolize Ludwig van.
I know, man, I was merely trying to establish comraderie through nominal indoctrinization of your personality characteristics.
Is the black one gone yet?

 

by umfumdisi
12-25-03
TEH FAR SIDE
You idiots! They wanted us to bring BANDANAS.

 

by umfumdisi
12-25-03
EARLY MASS,
PURPLE ASS,
GOAT ON A CHAIR;
CURLY LASS,
UPPER CLASS,
GNOME WITHOUT HAIR.

 

by umfumdisi
12-25-03
When Spiders Dream...
Oh, no, we are old, fat, and weak.
Whatever will become of us?
Let's rest on that thin, shiny net down there.

 

by umfumdisi
12-29-03
I'm here in this verdant Tennessee holler with Stripcreator Irregular, umfumdisi. Hello, sir.
Er, rather.
You seem a bit pensive today, umfum.
I've got a lot on my mind and not much of it is humorous.
Sorry to hear that. What's the trouble?
Well, my father's been battling cancer for over a year now. And a couple of days ago his doctors told him he has 6-12 months to live.

 

by umfumdisi
12-29-03
That's not much of a punchline....
No, but it's quite a punch in the guts, if you know what I mean.
Quite.
Anyway, in the face of this news, I just thought I'd announce that UMFUMDAILY will end with the 12-31-03 comic.
Well, you had a decent run.
True. It's hard enough to make one comic a day when your head is in the right place. Still, I've found time to make over 400 comics in under a year so far.

 

by umfumdisi
12-29-03
Well, it's been a long three-day interview. Any last thoughts?
Of course. I just want to thank everyone who has made this site a great web community. I've gotten to know some great people here.
I'd like to especially thank mmyers, jes_lawson, TheGovernor, file13, kaufman, dcom, little_kitty, boorite and attitudechicka for being fun and supportive.
And the regulars who didn't give me too hard of a time when I first started--and even those who did. Thanks to all the rest of those on my favorites list who've made me laugh and smile.
I must also say that I'm not leaving, but I won't be around as much. These comics are meant as an explanation of my whereabouts and mindset.
And if I post a few maudlin comics from time to time, just think of it as virtual therapy. I hope you've enjoyed your daily dose of umfum.

 

by umfumdisi
1-05-04
Welcome to Virtual Battle Arena, LLC. I'll be your butt-whipper today.
We offer a wide variety of virtual worlds in which to kick ass.
Hmmm, the quiet type. Perhaps you would like to fight under the laws of LUNAR PHYSICS!

 

by umfumdisi
1-05-04
Ho-Ha! Poor choice my friend! I am well-trained in Lunar Loggerheads.
Still no answer or action, eh? Well, let's try...THE CENTRE OF THE EARTH!!
Alright, you're starting to piss me off. You paid your $19.95, bud. Either kick my ass or quit wasting my time.

Showing page 9.

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