All comics by Smurph

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by Smurph
1-24-05
At the Dog and Duck, dahn the High street.
Excuse me love, fancy a fuck?
Umm... No.
Right, would you mind lying down 'til I have one?

 

by Smurph
1-24-05
I'm here aboot my loan application.
Yes, I'm afraid you haven't got the loan. I'm sorry.
Why not?
You haven't got the necessary funds in your account.
Shall I just bend over now?

 

by Smurph
1-24-05
I've been trained to sniff out explosives, and hey, you're dynamite!
I want to have your puppies.

 

by Smurph
1-25-05
We join a small band of brave (read: stoopid) heroes on their journey to find fame and fortune in this bountiful land.
Come along, Reg of Cathaaaarg, we must kill the hero eating minotaur!
Fuck right off. You do it. Twat.

 

by Smurph
1-25-05
Slargo the Barbarian, where is the new guy?
He's behind yonder bush, thonder.
What's he at? We must make haste. My dinner's getting cold.
He's "taking a shit", whatever that means.
A what? Sumpn's not right aboot him.
His tights are very revealing, its true.

 

by Smurph
1-27-05
Alright there love, fancy going halfers on a bastard?
Gis a look at your twat.
I'm so lonely.

 

by Smurph
1-27-05
I got you a present. Its a chicken. CHICK-KEN!
Thanks, But... Wait, what's that sticking out its council gritter?
TAKE THE FUCKING CHICKEN!!! TAKE IT!!!

 

by Smurph
5-06-05
Tony Blair wins again

 

by Smurph
5-07-05
All right, I have a confession to make, I'm not an rpg character.
I'm just some dude who wanted to look good in forest green.
Twist endings are cool.
This is my true form...
Hmm.

 

by Smurph
5-11-05
Coming out... Yes, yes, it IS time. Very well, I shall show you MY true form.
Behold!

 

by Smurph
5-12-05
They shout a lot.
NO, MY OPINION IS MORE VALID THAN YOURS!
SILENCE! I AM RIGHTER THAN YOU! PLUS MY BRUVVER IS BIGGER!
They crap in their pants.
Quick Martha, get the power hose! Its happened again!
They leech off society
Give me more pocket money, then buy me new clothes, then take me for my free dental work and healthcare, followed by a trip to somewhere expensive. Disneyworld. Its on you.

 

by Smurph
5-12-05
They shout a lot.
I SAID, WATCH OUT FOR THAT TR... NEVER MIND, AGNES
They crap in their pants.
Dammit, where's the nearest place I can empty my colostomy bag?
Through that door, but I'm just out. I'd leave it for ten to fifteen if I were you.
They leech off society.
Lets go and pick up our pension and blow it all on coke and man whores!
Booyakasha!

 

by Smurph
5-26-05
Todays public sevice announcement is an obvious one, but you wouldn't think it.
That's right Bill, its a real common sense scenario.
If you use public transport, have a shower.
I can't fault you on that logic, Bill.
Indeed, I'll get Butch here to murderize you.
I will indeeeed Bill. SMELLY FUCKS!

 

Another day at Broomstick College...
Christ but I am shit at this flying malarky... Gonna need to revise my notes a bit better. I'm earthbound and twisted.
by Smurph, 5-26-05

 

No.
by Smurph, 5-27-05

 

In Sherwood Forest....
But Robin, why dost thou spakest with thine wierdy accent?
Hey, shaddap you mofo, I am the mighty Robin of Texasshireshire. Gimme your oil, foreigner!
by Smurph, 6-01-05

 

by Smurph
6-08-05
And now we go live to Bill and butch for an on the spot report.
Thanks, Tess. Yes we're here in small town UK for a report on fucking spides, or chavs, if you will.
How can anyone let their kids get this obnoxious, and lose all fashion sense?
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee....
I agree Butch, and that's what we're here to investi....Wait, I'm going to have to stop me there...
BOOOOOM!
Its getting a bit hairy here.
You're not wrong Bill. FUCKING SPIDES!!!!!!

 

by Smurph
6-08-05
Duh-duh.....duh DUH duh duduh...
Yep, I think I'll just throw this ball up agin' the wall fer awhile.
You know what? I'm just gonna go back to me trailer. You've seen this, like, what, 807 times? Change the channel.

 

by Smurph
6-08-05
But officer, what am I doing in here?
Well, its mostly because you sexually molested several thousand peoples memories, but partly because you're an arrogant cunt who thinks he can put bile on the screen and your fans will accept it.
You fucker. You absolute fucker, Lucas.
Ah.
Yep.

 

Ugly people - stay in the house. Oh, and if you're fat, cover yourself up, I mean, Jesus Christ, do we have to look at that?
That's a sentiment I can't argue with, Bill...... You were great, by the way.
by Smurph, 6-08-05

 

I've got a purple headed love trombone with your name on it, Malcolm.... I mean baby.
by Smurph, 6-09-05

 

by Smurph
6-09-05
Fuck off, paedophile.

 

by Smurph
6-09-05
So I have to go to the doctors tomorrow. I've got a mole on the end of my cock.
That's the last time I fuck one of them.

 

Its not a well known announcement for today, butch. Here goes... Ladies, if you're putting on fake tan, you're not meant to look like you've bathed in tea.
Well I never, Bill. People do that?
by Smurph, 6-22-05

 

by Smurph
6-22-05
From the company that made the first tyre to go over 600mph...
And the first tyre on the moon...
Comes a brand new type of tyre. A revolutionary tyre that GOES ROUND CORNERS!
Hmm...

 

by Smurph
6-23-05
Old people. Don't you just love 'em?
Umm, no Bill, and neither do you...
Yeah, you're right, but I can't wait until I'm old.
Why's that, Bill?
Cos then it'll be ok for me to lose all my manners and to stink of piss.
Aahh...

 

by Smurph
6-24-05
Port Grove
A doo... A dah...
Yum Tiddle Dum Alley
A slick, rick, RAAAGH!
Destination reached - The Boulevard of Broken Schmeves.
Taste it, yeah!
Eurgh....

 

by Smurph
6-24-05
Here, We're walking down this road and you can't stop us! We have walked down this road since... ooh, three years ago.
You can't walk down this road, it is our road. You violate our 'peaceful' neighbourhood with your big drums.
Wah. Bitch moan wah. Gurn gurn cry.
Boo-hoo. Wail cry gurn, wah wah gurn bitch.
Is there anyone still here?
Nah, they've all gone home. Pint?

 

A legend passes...
Da-dum, da-dum, diddly-dum, booo!
I might have fucking known.
by Smurph, 6-27-05

 

Fo' shizzle Mrs Whiteley, we'll give him a muthafuckin' funeral to remember, G. What music did he want played, Dawg?
"The Final Countdown" by Europe.
by Smurph, 6-27-05

 

by Smurph
6-28-05
Your call is important to us, it is in a queue, please stay on the line.
This just in - Bastard.
If my call is so Goddamn important to them, JUST ANSWER THE FUCKING PHONE!!!!!
Hmm... Or employ more staff to cope with the extra demand at busy times, thereby eradicating ill feeling toward the company and providing better customer service.
They're laughing at you really, though.

 

by Smurph
6-30-05
Course, I'm gonna need you to relay the EPS conduit serial numbers to processing, thats all 6923 of them. Then I want you to email all...
Several hours later...
..and when you've finished all that, get me coffee. And don't stir it with your dick. I'll know.
Forward, back, back, up, triangle... Its not working!!

 

by Smurph
6-30-05
Oh no, my house is being repossessed. And I'm going to have my legs broke if I don't let the bank manager have sex with my wife! What am I going to do, Binky?
'Spose now's not the time to show you the clown nose I put on the end of my wang, then.

 

by Smurph
6-30-05
This is a major rant this time Butch, so keep out of it.
Remember who is the axe murderer here Bill...
Ahh... Right.... Anyway. Slow people in city centres. I have places to be!! I'm not even walking particularly slow!!
Jesus, here he goes.
Fat sweaty cunts, old decrepid fuckers and time wasting chavvy bastards! Move it!!!!! Snails with club feet and corns have got out of my way faster!!!!!!
I'll get your pills, shall I?

 

If I am sitting on public transport looking out the window, and I don't even look at you when you sit down next to me, it means I don't want to talk to you. Take a hint.That is all.
by Smurph, 7-01-05

 

by Smurph
7-01-05
Why its my most evil plan yet, number 2.
I dunno, Dark Prince, I mean, check out the holocaust. That was fucked up. And what evil plan got "J-Lo" a record deal? What was that about? Christ, come on...
Shut up. We leave at first light!
I can understand Mariah Carey, y'know, she's got massive jugs, but "J-Lo" is pish. I'm still Jenny from the block my tiny pecans. Snorting coke off gold Ferrari's, more like. Cow.
Hahahaha! Now people will think this pashmina is the low, low price of 13.99, when in fact it is this pair of crappy woolen gloves on a string like you wore when you were a kid!!
I fucking knew it.

 

by Smurph
7-01-05
Hey, you ever watch Thundercats?
Yeah, man, that Cheetara was hot!
I was thinking the same thing, then I realised it'd be like having sex with curtains. All velvety like.
Hmm...
And of course, you've gotta avoid the huge tagnuts. So no, she's not hot.
Aww...

 

by Smurph
7-04-05
...and they always get right up your nose, right, and then you sneeze, and it all goes black, then...
Right, I've had enough. This pointy implement is going into your...

 

Hello! We're here in Ransevyn Estate to bring you the latest PSA. Ginger people - please stop making more ginger people. There's enough of you.
Wow, its so obvious, I can't beieve we haven't said this before. You're right Bill, they sould use condoms. Or their eyes, cos gingers are very ugly. And smell faintly of beans.
by Smurph, 7-05-05

 

by Smurph
7-05-05
In reference to the last strip, I would like to stick up for gingers everywhere. Some are hideous. That much is true. But to tar us all with the same brush is irresponsible.
TOBOR LIKES GINGER RINGPIECE! RART!

 

by Smurph
7-05-05
September is when Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children's out, Smurph. Show your support.
No need to worry, Frank, my Boy, I'll be camping outside the shop for it.
Yeah, me too, its so called for after all these years to get a movie sequel to it.
Fuckin' right, can't wait to see Cloud and the rest again.
Meanwhile...
See what I'm reduced to? I need the money, Cloud, and the movie's out in a couple of months! Please, just do the film!
Fuck you, Red XIII, I got a proper friggin' job.

 

Hello to those women who work in department stores, and work behind the make up counter. A tip: less is more, eh? Butch, anything to add?
Why yes, Bill, I have. Ladies, you're trying to sell this stuff and you look like a colourblind clown with parkinson's has put it on? Tsk.
by Smurph, 7-05-05

 

by Smurph
7-08-05
Fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap
I can hear you in there, Billy, stop it, or you'll go blind!
Fap fap fap fap fap fap fap...........
Can I do it until I need glasses?

 

by Smurph
7-15-05
On planet Cybertron, a new threat to the existence of both Autobot and Decepticon appears... The Decepticontractor!
...but 16 energon cubes is a bit steep, innit? I mean, just to fix Megatron's lumbago?
Whoa! Who said 16? Nah mate, we don't even turn up for 16 energon cubes.
Then we won't have enough power to crush the puny Autobots! ...Well, how much then?
Well mate, you're lookin' at 30.
They're right cunts.
30!?
Plus, the parts for the job are gonna have to 'acclimatize' to the temperature of your factory. We need to come out twice, so double that.

 

by Smurph
7-15-05
Monday
Does my ass look big in this?
Naw, darlin', you look great.
Tuesday
I look fat in this, dun't I?
Hardly, sweetness, you're sexy!
Wednesday
How can I even fit into this? God, I'm a heifer...
Fuck it. Yes, you're a fat cow. Are you happy now?

 

by Smurph
7-17-05
Right, what's the bother, guvnaaah?
Could you have a look at me tagnuts? One of 'ems a bit loose. Playing havok with me, you know, 'Special Move'.
Ahh, I see what's up, Mister Prime. Pshhhhh... It ain't gonna be cheap...
Wha'? Its just a loose nut, half a cube at the most!
Told you. Cunts.
Yeah, but your EPS conduit is lagging. That's a whole replacement circuitboard alone, not to mention the split rectal axle which...
Fuck you! I'm away to Quik-Fit!

 

by Smurph
7-19-05
Hi, I'm the very famous and nice Tom Cruise. You're a jerk if you squirt water on me, but aren't I a good father in this film? Mmm?
I'm a Martian. Fuck your planet, and all your fatherly awesomeness.
Frickin' Heck! Why has shooting you, bombing you, and even nuking you not worked?
Ha ha ha ha! *cough* cos we're invincible *spleurgh*hack*. All your planet are belong to us!
Hmm... Apparently we win by default! Hooray! Go Earth viruses!
Wheeeeeuuurgh! *hack* Spluh...

 

by Smurph
7-19-05
And another thing: fat people. I'm not talking pleasantly plump, neither. I mean those great big fuck-off behemoths. Do you realise just how disgusting you are? Jesus, step away from the lard!
Indeed, Bill. They waste so much doctors' time that could be better spent extracting bullets from burglars, or poking hot nurses.
"Oh, I'll have a 12" Pizza with extra Bacon, and a Diet Coke." Fuck off! You're not fooling anyone! Not even yourself. Either get fit, or kill yourself. You know you hate you.
Yup, and if I hear another one complaining that "it's cos of the steroids" or something, well, the knife is coming out to play.

 

by Smurph
7-20-05
I really loved that War of the Worlds movie... Tom Cruise is really lovely and sexy, and he's sensitive, and learns things and is nice.
No, Tom Cruise is a dwarven douche who cries and bitches like a little girl when someone plays a harmless practical joke on him with water. WATER!
How can you say that? Tom is a sex object!
Yep. He's a cock.

 

If you haven't buttered a piece of toast, and you drop it, Does it land on its edge?
by Smurph, 7-22-05

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