All comics by UnknownEric

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by UnknownEric
10-23-02
Got your glue stick, Stinky? We're closin' the Ozone Hole.
Actually, I left my glue stick in the car.
Stinky, we left the car in New friggin' Zealand. You didn't remember the glue stick until now?
What can I say? I'm a one-dimensional stolen cartoon character in a bizarre meta-comic.
Parker Lewis wouldn't forget.
Can you get off the Parker Lewis kick, Nutboy?

 

by UnknownEric
10-23-02
Are you ready to take down The Man, Stinky?
Yes! I am ready to cast off the shackles of my misogynist, violent past and evolve into a new loving, feminist, pacifist being.
Wow! Stinky, you DA MAN!
Wait... I'm The Man!?! I'm setting out to take down myself! Dissonance!! Dissonance!!
Run away!!! Agggghhhhhhhh!
Wrong choice of words, Nutboy.

 

by UnknownEric
10-23-02
Great, Stinky. As if our holiday in Cambodia wasn't bad enough, you hafta whip out your gun and get us arrested!
Geez, soooorrrrrrr-eeeee! I thought that guy had a pistol in his pants. Turns out he was just happy to see me.
So...
...uhhh...
Can I be your bitch?
I thought you'd never ask.

 

by UnknownEric
10-23-02
Hey Stinky! Fancy meeting you here.
Uhh, Nutboy? Where is here exactly?
I don't know, but it sure seems familiar to me. And that short guy at the entrance... I swear I've seen him before!
Y'know, if I didn't know better, I'd swear we were stuck in The Black Lodge from Twin Peaks.
Sometimes my tail bends back.
Very funny, Laura.

 

by UnknownEric
10-23-02
Hey, Stinky. Are you a Democrat? Republican? Libertarian? Socialist?
None of the above. I consider myself a Cynicrat.
A Cynicrat? What the fark is that?
I believe that people are too inherently greedy and stupid to ever come up with a system of government that doesn't screw somebody along the way.
Wow. Who's your presidential candidate? Suicidal Depressing Man?
We wanted Noam Chomsky, but even he thought we were too dark.

 

by UnknownEric
10-23-02
Stinky, do you think the destruction of the human race is imminent?
No. We may be entering a new dark age, but people will survive. We're too stubborn not to.
But what about the rush to war around the world? The powder keg in the Middle East... the India/Pakistan conflict... Bush's vendetta against Iraq...
War and destruction are inevitable. People can't live together in peace, we're not evolved enough for that.
Hey, look! A cool stop sign!
I could really go for some nachos right now.

 

by UnknownEric
10-23-02
Hey Stinky, I hear astronomers are thinking about "demoting" Pluto.
That's right, Nutboy. Turns out it might just be an asteroid from the Kuiper Belt and not a planet.
But a lot of that depends on what the definition of planet is.
That's true! Experts everywhere disagree on what should be considered a planet and what is just unused material from the Big Bang.
They should demote Uranus while they're at it.
*Sigh*

 

by UnknownEric
10-23-02
Stinky, it's a time machine! But I thought you told me time travel was impossible.
Yes, I firmly believe that. Time doesn't exist in any tangible form. It's just a man made construct to explain something unexplainable.
So you're saying time is just like a line drawn on paper?
Yep. Just like you can't go back to any point in that line without the line as a continuing linear construct ceasing to exist, you can't go back in the history of existence.
Do you even know what you're talking about?
No, but I'm hoping to get laid by a smart chick.

 

by UnknownEric
10-23-02
Stinky, do you believe in God?
No. I find too much dissonance within the concept of God. The whole idea of Heaven and Hell just seems too convenient. A tool to keep the masses from revolting.
But isn't there just as much dissonance to a world without a God? Without a higher purpose, why do we exist? How were we able to reach this level of evolution without help?
But Nutboy, why would a god create such imperfect beings? Why do we have organs? Why do we bleed? Why do we poop?
Speaking of that, I gotta go drop some friends off at the pool.

 

by UnknownEric
10-24-02
You know what I hate, Stinky? All those stupid songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air.
I mean, if one more friggin' band tells me what to do with my hands, I'm gonna kick them in the nuts!
So I suppose that means you're not buying my new single, "Place Your Hands Upon My Man Boobs (And Squeeze)."

 

by UnknownEric
10-28-02
Hi, I'm looking for a journal article.
What journal is it in?
I don't know.
When was it written?
I don't know.
*sigh* Another day in paradise...

 

by UnknownEric
10-28-02
So can you find this article?
Do you remember the author's name?
I don't know it.
What was the article about?
It had something to do with houses.
Wow. Thanks for the specificity.

 

by UnknownEric
10-28-02
So can't you just point to where it would be?
Well, let me get this straight. You don't know what journal it's in, who wrote it, when it was written, or what it was called... you just know it was about houses.
Yeah, you can find that for me, right?
I can find you SOME articles about houses, but finding that one particular article may prove to be problematic.
I PAY YOUR SALARY! What good are you librarians if you can't find what I want?!?
Yeah, also sorry I couldn't find that green book, about yay big that had the word "And" in the title.

 

by UnknownEric
10-28-02
I thought I should warn you, Stinky... I'm starting my own political party to go against your beloved Cynicrats.
Are you then?
Yep. The Apathetic Anarchists Party.
*sigh* Explain to me your platform.
Well, our slogan is "It'd be cool and all if there were no government... but we really don't care."
Well, you probably got the youth vote sown up.

 

by UnknownEric
10-29-02
Call me crazy, Stinky, but sometimes I wish I was in England circa 1986, so I could start an anorak pop band and be cool.
Yeah, imagine playing a show with Talulah Gosh... or the Flatmates!
Or being one of the first people to own a copy of the first Wedding Present single.
Or doing an old-school Peel session... or being on the NME's infamous C86 comp!
Man, we are SUCH losers.
Yeah, but we're incredibly cool losers, which makes it all okay in the end.

 

by UnknownEric
10-29-02
Stinky, as males, how do we deal with the dichotomy between our urges and our need for evolution?
It's a thorny issue. I know everybody seeks some sort of perfection, but as humans, we are inherently flawed creatures with rampaging ids.
So how should I feel about my urges to see naked women, or watch baseball, or have a threesome with some lesbians?
Lesbians are cool.

 

by UnknownEric
10-30-02
I'm fed up with boring protesting that does nothing but preach to the converted. I'm going to join the Radical Cheerleaders.
Are squirrels allowed to be Radical Cheerleaders?
Of course, man! Free your mind! Squirrels are people too!
Actually, squirrels are rodents.
Damn you and your points! I'm going to join anyway.
Hey, if I can wear a skirt, I'm in too!

 

by UnknownEric
10-30-02
I've been reading some Nietzsche lately and was wondering what you thought about the following, Stinky. Is God dead?
No, I think that's a flawed theory. If God exists in a form similar to what modern religion claims, she would be immortal, incapable of death.
If one believes in the existence of a supreme being, I think it's nearly impossible to believe in a supreme being that is capable of ceasing its own existence.
Okay, Stinky, so now that we've heard all of the things you DON'T believe in, can you give us just one thing that you do?
The superiority of the second season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer...

 

by UnknownEric
10-30-02
The Book of Genesis (Featuring Peter Gabriel)
I'm kinda bored, Adam. I think I'm going to go explore.
Okay, Eve. Have fun. I'll be here, trying to avoid trouble.
Psst. Hey, Stinky. You're a hungry man, right? You want an apple?
Yeah, right. You know the big man told us not to eat the apple.
Yeah, but you're a libertarian! Keep government out of our stomachs, man!
You got a point.

 

by UnknownEric
10-30-02
Man, I don't know. I know it's completely irrational for God to create something, then forbid us to eat it, but...
But, my tail! Look, pallio, take a bite or else.
Or else what?
Or else I'll start demeaning the size of your genitalia.
Damn, you know how to push a man's buttons.

 

by UnknownEric
10-30-02
Behold, my son. It is I!
God?
No, dumbass, it's Seth Green. Of course it's God.
Oh, right. Sorry 'bout that.
So I've been hearing shit about you and an apple. Care to explain?
I do get a phone call, right?

 

by UnknownEric
10-30-02
Stinky, why you gotta go do me like that? I asked you nicely not to eat the apple.
But why'd you put it there if you didn't want us to eat it?
Uhh. Hmm. Good point. I suppose for a being of complete good, this kind of behavior is irrational, huh?
That's okay, dude. I won't hold it against you.
You know, this whole creation myth thing is pretty much an unmitigated disaster. Should I just start over?
Yeah. Be sure to burn that book you wrote about it too.

 

by UnknownEric
10-30-02
Hi, Adam, I'm back. Wow, there's a lotta cool stuff in this garden.
You ate the apple, didn't you?
Hey, it all turned out for the best!
You mean the big guy's burning that patriarchal crap about your rib?
Yeah, turns out all that stuff was just misplaced Republican propaganda from the future.

 

by UnknownEric
10-30-02
Excellent, Stinky! We've almost succeeded in our plan to take down the patriarchy!
I know. We've been successful beyond our wildest dreams.
There's only one problem I can think of.
What's that, Nutboy?
We're men.
Actually, there's something I've been meaning to tell you...

 

by UnknownEric
10-30-02
You do realize we're just one gigantic homage to Cat and Girl, right?

 

by UnknownEric
10-30-02
So Stinky, let me get this straight. We're feminist, pro-gay rights, libertarian, secular humanists?
Yes, that's right.
But yet, we're also cynical, snotty, horny perverts.
Hey, I resent being called... well, okay, you're right.
You do realize we're quite possibly the most contradictory cartoon characters ever, right?
Welcome to the real world.

 

by UnknownEric
10-30-02
Stinky, I've been wondering. If this were a Horatio Alger novel, would I be the rural boy trying to make it as a shoe-shine or newsboy in the city and would you be my older male sponsor?
What? What are you on about today, Nutboy?
Horatio Alger, dumbass. You know, the guy who wrote all those late 19th century penny novels about young men rising to prominence through hardwork and a sponsor?
Oh, you mean the guy who wrote Ragged Dick.
Heh heh. Made you say Ragged Dick.
*sigh* Yes, folks, we're like modern philosophers, only with dick jokes.

 

by UnknownEric
10-31-02
This morning, during one of those retro 80s hours on the radio, I heard some Janet Jackson. "Nasty," to be specific. And there's something I just can't understand.
Is it the middle eight?
Yeah. First she says Privacy is her middle name and her last name is Control. Then says that her first name is Janet, but if you're nasty her first name is Miss Jackson.
Yeah?
So, if you're nasty, you have to call her Miss Jackson Privacy Control?
Hey, it beats what Tito makes nasty people call him...

 

by UnknownEric
10-31-02
It's like rain on your wedding day.
Like a free ride when you've already paid.
It's like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
It's like meeting the squirrel of your dreams, then meeting his beautiful wife.
And isn't it ironic?
No.

 

by UnknownEric
10-31-02
Hi, I'm Jonah, the P.R. guy you called.
Yes. I'm Steve, mayor of Gomorrah.
Gomorrah? Holy crap!
See, that's exactly the issue! We have a serious image problem!
Cheezum Pleezum, you can say that again!
I told my advisors that sharing a baseball team with Sodom was a bad idea.

 

by UnknownEric
10-31-02
So you share a AA baseball team with Sodom?
Yes. The Sodom-Gomorrah Butt Pirates.
Oh, jeez.
We also share a third division soccer club. Sodom-Gomorrah Pornographic FC.
Y'know, a good first step would be not letting Sodom name these teams.
What's wrong with the Butt Pirates? Oh, wait...

 

by UnknownEric
10-31-02
I think another good approach is to come up with a hip new slogan for your city.
Oooh, good idea. Like what?
How about, "Gomorrah: The Family Alternative." Or "Gomorrah: Wholesome Fun For Everyone!"
Ooh ooh! Or "Gomorrah: 20% Less Incest Than Before!"
You're not so good at this, are you?
Why do you think I called you?

 

by UnknownEric
10-31-02
You fool! I will destroy you come Election Day!
Never! We shall fight for the common man!
*psst* Think they're buying it?
Of course! We've given them no reason to think we're in any sort of cahoots.
Wanna go take a piss on the Libertarian and Green mascots?
They have mascots?

 

by UnknownEric
11-01-02
Tits.
Ass.
Tits!
Ass!
TITS!
ASS!

 

by UnknownEric
11-03-02
Bloody 'ell!
Oi. You've been nicked!
Why, guv'nuh?
For pulling on a fag in a clearly marked No Smoking zone.
It's a fair cop.
Care for some prawns? Scones? Crisps?

 

by UnknownEric
11-03-02
I am the Grim Reaper. Tremble before me.
No way, dude. I know the score.
The sc...? What the fuck are you on about?
Man, I was listenin' to 97 Rock and this band told me not to be afraid of you.
Goddamn Blue Oyster Cult!
Whatever, dude. Your reputation is in the shitter ever since that song.

 

by UnknownEric
11-03-02
I am the Grim Reaper. Tremble...
I am the Grim Reaper. Tremble...
URF!
WHOA!

 

by UnknownEric
11-03-02
Ladies and gentlemen, we just received word that tonight's featured comic, Dirty Danny, won't be appearing tonight.
So, how about them penises?

 

by UnknownEric
11-03-02
...so I said to the monsignor, "Hey, it's my anus!"
Raise your hands if you like blow jobs.

 

by UnknownEric
11-03-02
...so I said, "That gives a whole new meaning to 'blow it out yer ass'!"
Speaking of asses, who here likes big butts?
Very funny.

 

by UnknownEric
11-04-02
Hey Stinky, [insert setup dialogue here]
[insert long winded philosophical treatise here]
[insert follow-up question here]
[insert clarification here]
[insert dick joke here]
[insert sigh here]

 

by UnknownEric
11-04-02
Stinky, you have a fear of government, yet you don't believe in anarchy. Why's that?
Well, I think there needs to be some form of government. People are too greedy, violent, and irrational to be good to each other in a society where there are no rules to govern that.
Yet any form of government, whether it be a dictatorship, a Communist state or a representational democracy opens itself up to the possibility for abuse of power.
So what's with the tattoo of the anarchy symbol on your back?
I got it after a Black Flag show in '82. What? I was young, dumb, and full of Bud!

 

by UnknownEric
11-06-02
Can you believe that horrible movie Jackass is number one at the box office?
I know. It's a sad commentary on humankind that the most popular movie consists of people humiliating themselves and others on film.
Yeah. I mean it would be cool if it was people who deserved the humiliation.
Like if Mark McGrath had the shit kicked out of him by Henry Rollins?
Or Jesus smited Scott Stapp for stealing all his moves.
Now we're talking.

 

by UnknownEric
11-06-02
Stinky, do you believe in Hell?
Well, as an atheist, obviously no. But I think that even if you believe in a God that is ever-loving, the concept of hell is incongruous.
That no diety who truly loves his/her creations could ever condemn them to an eternity of torture.
Right. I refuse to believe that life is only a "test" to decide who goes to Heaven and who goes to Hell.
Good, cause I was totally coveting your Xbox, then I stole it.
Goddamn it! ... Whoops...

 

by UnknownEric
11-06-02
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Your worst nightmare.
Me, naked in front of my class with a huge erection?
... Okay, your SECOND worst nightmare...
Bob Dole in front of my class with a huge erection?

 

by UnknownEric
11-06-02
Look, I'm here for vengeance, dammit! Vengeance! Open the damn door!
I'm sorry, I didn't order any vengeance.
You... *growl*... Look, you don't ORDER vengeance. You DESERVE it!
So it's free?
OF COURSE IT'S FREE, YOU...
'Cause all I got's a nickel and that won't even get me a bus ride.

 

by UnknownEric
11-06-02
Are you going to open this door or do I have to...
Okay, gimme a second. I'm nekked.
Auugghhh... thanks for the visual I didn't need.
Alright... alright! Hang on to your trousers!
Oh, come on! Put your damn pants on!
You can't have it both ways, sparky.

 

by UnknownEric
11-06-02
I have superpowers.
Well, fuck me!
Oh, yes!
Ohhhhhhhh.
That was actually just a figure of speech, but thank you anyway.

 

by UnknownEric
11-06-02
I have superpowers.
I'll be damned.
Son-of-a-BITCH!
You called?

 

by UnknownEric
11-06-02
I'm thinking of a color.
Is it black?
Fuck you if you can't take a joke!

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