All comics by Alyn

 

by Alyn
1-09-02
And it says you might already be a winner of a large cash prize...?
These pretzels are making me thirsty!
And then the Don't Rip Off Seinfeld Or We Come And Break Some Thumbs Brigade sent a robot to destroy the author
Raawwwrrr!!!
...A really lame-ass robot.
Fuck you!

 

by Alyn
1-09-02
I did your mom last night. I did her twice. It cost a quarter.
I know. I got it on tape.
.......
Hey, you never told me you were Jewish.

 

by Alyn
1-09-02
Hello, boys and girls and assorted invertabrites. It's your pals Diablo and Toothgnip here to dispel some prejudices about barnyard animals.
Yeah.
Most barnyard animals do not, in fact, live in barns!
No, we live in the sky, as you can see from the clouds and firmament and whatnot behind us.
Don't you feel silly for thinking that now? But that one about us planning to take over the world and make humans our unwilling and miserable slaves is right on the money.
This has been a public service announcement!

 

by Alyn
1-09-02
I do this because I can
I thought you did that because you're really incredibly stupid.
...the duck made me do it?
What duck?
I'm Farfello in a clever disguise!
Just shut up already.

 

by Alyn
1-09-02
I grow tired of your petty games, Phillip.
These aren't games. They're muffins. Space muffins!
The come hither looks. The constant veiled innuendos. The polaroids of you wearing only that purple thong...
I like games though. Especially scrabble. But games are better if they involve muffins.
This is sexual harrasment and I don't have to take it anymore!
Hey, let's make our OWN version of scrabble with letter-shapped muffins!

 

by Alyn
1-09-02
You remind me of the babe.
The kind with teeth?
That's not God. That's a waffle you threw on the ceiling.
I'm wet and I'm in pain and I'm STILL hysterical!
Do you mean to suggest that coconuts migrate?
Like the wolf!

 

by Alyn
1-09-02
So...Death. What do you do in your spare time?
SERVE AS THE ANTROPOMORPHIC PERSONIFICATION OF THE END OF INDIVIDUAL HUMAN PHYISCAL EXISTENCE, MOSTLY.
...Ah. That makes sense.
MMHMM
Somehow I just assumed there'd be more to discuss...
I ALSO HAVE AN EXTENSIVE COLLECTION OF CERAMIC KITTEN FIGURINES

 

by Alyn
1-10-02
Hey, Uncle Death!
MY SIBLINGS ARE WAR, FAMINE AND PESTILANCE. AS FAR AS I KNOW, NONE OF THEM HAVE GIVEN BIRTH TO POULTRY.
No, really, I'm a Satanist. Doesn't Death come around to each cult member just to, you know, say hi?
I DO NOT. I VISIT EACH MORTAL ONLY ONCE. I ASSUME YOU ALREADY KNOW FOR WHAT REASON, AND ONLY PRETENDED IGNORANCE IN AN ATTEMPT TO AVOID IT.
Jon, it's for you!
USUALLY THEY JUST CHALLENGE ME TO A CHESS GAME, YOU KNOW.

 

by Alyn
1-10-02
NICE PLACE YOU HAVE HERE.
Uh.... thank you. Sir.
I BET THE RENT COSTS A FORTUNE.
Well, uh, no, actually it's pretty reasonable. Mr. Death, I really didn't think you'd come until I hit at least fifty, and my life so far hasn't been fulfilling in, well, any way, so I'd appreciate-
DECENT RENT FOR A PLACE LIKE THIS? DOES THAT INCLUDE UTILITIES? HEY, WAIT, IS THAT COPPER WIRING?
I'll be over here while you check out the kitchen, praying for my eternal soul. But please feel free to completely forget about my entire existance.

 

by Alyn
1-10-02
So Death's moving into your apartment building, huh?
He says he likes the location. And the water pressure in the showers is great.
I guess you'll be keeping the front door locked from now on.
What's that supposed to mean? Oh, I get it, you're prejudiced against death! You're some kind of anthropomorphic personfication racist!
I am not! I'm just uncomfortable around beings that... well... exist to destroy life.
Well, YOU exist to beg for nuts and chew on powerlines; should I feel uncomfortable around YOU?

 

by Alyn
1-10-02
THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME UNPACK, DIABLO.
No problem. I'm pretty sure I'm commanded to, as a Satanist. Say, Death, why did you decide to move to New York, anyway?
TECHNICALLY I AM EVER PRESENT IN NEW YORK AS I AM ETERNALLY ANYWHERE AND EVERYWHERE LIFE HAS THE POTENTIAL TO BE EXTINGUISHED.
So why'd you move all your ceramic cats to Manhattan all of a sudden?
AH. THE REASON FOR THAT BEGAN ONE FLASHBACK AGO.
Can I get a beer first?

 

by Alyn
1-10-02
A flashback ago, in heaven:
Death, we have to talk. The archangels, the big guy and me had a meeting of the minds, and... well... you staying here just isn't going to work out.
WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?
Y'see, killing people is a sin, and, well, all you do is kill people. It just seemed unfair.
BUT RELEASING SOULS FROM THEIR PHYSICAL BONDS IS THE ONLY PURPOSE TO MY EXISTANCE. I GET NO PLEASURE FROM IT, I MERELY OBEY COSMIC LAW AND PERFORM MY DUTY.
Yup, it's a bitch all right. The Lord works in mysterious ways and all that. Be gone by five.
IT IS COMFORTING TO SEE THAT THE HYPOCRACY THAT CHARACTERIZES THE CHURCH IS INDICATIVE OF THE SAME SMALL MINDEDNESS OF THE ACTUAL DIETY.

 

by Alyn
1-10-02
So Death moves to hell:
Hiya, Death! Welcome to Hell! Hope you'll like it here.
A SENTIMENT NOT EXPRESSED TO MANY NEW OCCUPANTS, I WAGER. HA HA.
...Huh?
...NOTHING. ANYWAY, ARE THE SCREAMS OF THE DAMNED ALWAYS THIS LOUD? THEY ARE MOST UNPLEASANT AND I FIND IT A BIT HARD TO CONCENTRATE.
Unfortunately, it does not work out.
Screams? Oh, no, that's just Celene Dion's greatest hits! We play it over the PA from seven to twelve. Then there's a brief interlude of David Cassidy and an album of dogs barking Christmas carols
BY THE SURETY OF MY EVENTUAL PRESENCE...

 

by Alyn
1-10-02
Death in purgatory:
...IS ANYONE UP FOR A GAME OF YAHTZEE?
No.

 

by Alyn
1-10-02
...AND THAT IS HOW I ENDED UP IN NEW YORK.
Wow, you've been talking the whole time? I've been in the pub for the last two hours.
IT SHALL BE INTERESTING TO NOW LIVE IN THE MORTAL WORLD. PERHAPS I WILL LEARN MANY A LESSON ABOUT LIFE WHICH I, IRONICALLY, KNOW VERY LITTLE ABOUT.
I invited some of the guys back here. I told them about your cats and the digital cable.
OR PERHAPS I SHALL SIMPLY INITIATE THE APOCALYPSE.
It's okay if they bring jellied gasoline, right?

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