All comics by Pirate_Dave

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by Pirate_Dave
1-10-01
Who's that handsome young man in the mirror? Why it's ME! Damn, I'm hot! It's a good thing I'm not gay or I'd be all over me!
Oh, crap! I didn't realize how bad my complexion was. I should bathe more often.

 

by Pirate_Dave
1-18-01
I am looking good today!
Neal's been looking in the mirror a lot lately. Do you think he's vain?
I don't think so, he's just self conscious. You see, it all depends on how he sees himself.
I am Jesus.

 

by Pirate_Dave
1-18-01
Neal, we're all very concerned about all the time you're spending in front of the mirror, so we all pitched in and got you a $20 whore to get you away from that damn thing.
Here I am.
Hey there, sweet thang!
I'm not one to tell you how to spend your money, but this is usually easier if we're facing each other.
I wasn't talking to YOU, I was talking to my reflection, you stupid whore.

 

by Pirate_Dave
1-18-01
I'm so cool! I should be in a band!
I'm worried about Neal's mirror addiction, Donkey. Now, he's scared of Helmut because he smells bad. So, maybe if you convinced Helmut to come over...
Say no more, Roger. I understand completely.
So, you're saying Zoe will date me if I sexually harrass Neal?
What? I never said that! Pay attention! I just said to get Neal away from the mirror.

 

by Pirate_Dave
1-18-01
Get ready to leave Neal, because I'm going to start annoying you until you leave that mirror!
Go away, Helmut.
. . .
What could I do? He told me to go away.
You're hopeless.

 

by Pirate_Dave
1-18-01
Neal, Ah is yer creator! Git away from dat dang mirrey 'fore I erases yer sorry ass.
!
Y-Yessir!
Y'all betta run!
He's gone now.
Whew. Thanks. Being a reflection is hard work.

 

by Pirate_Dave
1-19-01
Would you shun me if I woke one day as a monsterous vermin?
Oh, of COURSE not, Greg, I...
Well, this is the new me. Thank God my family is so open-minded.
. . .
Ow! My back!
Now get into the storage room so I can lock you in or else I'll pelt you with more apples, you stupid dung beetle! (It's what gregory would have wanted.)

 

by Pirate_Dave
1-19-01
A horrible accident has taken place! Several people are dead or injured. The lucky ones are dead.
Police are baffled. Who could have done this? WHO?!
Heh heh heh!

 

by Pirate_Dave
2-07-01
...and so I told Gina, "If you don't respect
What th?! Am I lookung in a mirror again?
Huh? Oh, this! Nah, I just suddenly changed character designs mid-storyline.
...to be continued!
Well, cut it out. You're freaking me out.
I'm afraid I can't do that, Neal.

 

by Pirate_Dave
2-07-01
...and so I said to Gina, "At long last I can show you my PHAT L33T SKILLS."
Neal, I'm not really comfortable with this conversation.
Why not? Oh yeah! I forgot that you're Roger. The new character design threw me.
Hmmph! If you can't appriciate my new character design, maybe I should get a NEW best friend.
Thank God you said it first! I was afraid of hurting your feelings.

 

by Pirate_Dave
2-07-01
I sure am glad you decided to be my friend Roger! It's nice to have a friend!
Well, I thought I should have a friend who appriciates me for my mind, not my character design. Neal's so superficial.
Now that we have a third, Donkey and I can finally play Dungens&Dragons! I'm a elf and Donkey's a thief! Let's roll the dragon dice for your character.
After looking at how ugly Helmut is, I finally see Neal's point of view. I'll go back to my old character design and be friends with Neal again.
Roger! Come back! I'm so lonely!

 

by Pirate_Dave
2-07-01
I'm glad you finally saw things my way, Roger!
You bet, Neal! I'll never change character designs again!
In fact, just to be safe, I won't even change my clothes ever again!
I don't think that's such a good idea, Roger.

 

by Pirate_Dave
2-07-01
...and so Neal said, "I don't think that's such a good idea, Roger."
Well, I'm glad you finally learned to be yourself and not to change your character design in the middle of a storyline for no reason whatsoever!
Damn straight! From now on, I'll wait until the next storyline starts.
Ha ha ha! Oh, Roger, you kooky goofball! Will you ever learn?
...The End?
You look different, Gina.
New make-up.

 

by Pirate_Dave
2-10-01
Hi! I think 8-Bit Theatre is the best comic strip ever! Don't you think so? They say "wang" a lot which makes it funny!
Uh, I think Penny Arcade is the one where they say "wang"...
You just insulted 8-Bit Theatre! How dare you have an opinion of your own! Prepare to be Wanged!
Police are baffled. Who could have done this? WHO?!
No one suspects the dog on the ball!

 

by Pirate_Dave
4-04-01
Donkey, I have a new plan to win Zoe Day's love!
Oh, PLEASE let me hear your BRILLIANT plan, Helmut, since it's so OBVIOUSLY not going to fail!
Donkey are you being sarcastic? That's sort of out of character for you...
Huh? Did that come out sounding sarcastic? I was serious.
Well anyway, here's my plan: If I were rich, Zoe would like me!
For gosh sakes, Helmut! That's not even a real plan! Maybe I SHOULD have been sarcastic!

 

by Pirate_Dave
4-04-01
So here we are at the white house so that I steal the goose that lays golden eggs that belongs to the president so that I'll be rich and Zoe Day will like me!
I still say its a bad idea, Helmut.
No, it's a very GOOD idea, Donkey! Now wait here while I go inside!
OK. Be careful, Helmut.
God, please help Helmut not get caught when commiting this crime. A-men.

 

by Pirate_Dave
4-04-01
Wow! It sure is WHITE here in the whitehouse! I hope I don't get lost!
BRACKLE!
There it is! I found the goose that lays golden eggs! LITERALLY! Ha ha! That was a funny thing for me to say! I can't wait to tell Donkey my funny joke! Won't he be pleased!
Woo-ie! Dang! Ah'm a hopelessly inaccurate Texas stereotype ov da presydent! An' it looks as if I gots me a new filly fer me horse ranch!
I'm a boy donkey. Fillies are girl horses.

 

by Pirate_Dave
4-04-01
BRACKLE! BRACKLE!
Just wait until I get you home and out of the white house so that I can be rich and impress Zoe Day, you goose that lays golden eggs, you!
Donkey! Look what I got! I stole the goose that lays golden eggs from the president just like I said I would!
BRACKLE!
D-Donkey? Where are you?
BRACKLE!

 

by Pirate_Dave
4-04-01
Lay some golden eggs so I can be rich and impress Zoe Day, you stupid goose!
BRACKLE!
This is our most expensive rich person house! As you can see, the patio looks nice and has a great view... and that's all that matters since rich people spend all day sitting by the pool.
I'll take it! After all, I'm rich now, thanks to my golden egg laying goose that I stole from the president!
All that's left is to impress Zoe Day!
Hey Helmut, I heard at my job on the news that you're rich now, so I decided to come over and visit! Say! Nice digs! Let's get married!

 

by Pirate_Dave
4-04-01
Now that you're rich, I'm in love with you, Helmut!
Goody!!! My plan worked!!! Er, I mean... that's nice.
Kiss me!
Oh boy! Just let me turn off the television first!
What th'?!
And here's president Bush with his new pet donkey that he stole from an ugly smelly homeless man who nobody liked anyway.

 

by Pirate_Dave
4-04-01
So, hopelessly inaccurate Texas stereotype of the president! Here's the deal: I'll give you your goose back and you give me back Donkey.
Dang! Ah'm from Texas!
Uh-oh. The author doesn't know anything about the president, so he's making fun of Texas even though he knows cowboys are extinct.
Sho' 'nuff Ah'll give yore donkey back fer me goose back! Ah'm da presydent ov dese Unitey States!
I'm glad to have you back, old friend.
I'm glad to be back. That hopelessly inaccurate Texas stereotype was getting on my nerves!

 

by Pirate_Dave
4-04-01
It's too bad I lost all my money paying property taxes on that new house. I thought once I'd payed for the house in full, I'd never have to worry about having a place to live again!
It's the same mistake many celeberties make, Helmut.
Too bad Zoe Day stopped loving me now that I'm poor again and living in the sewers again.
That's OK, Helmut. You'll come up with a new plan to win Zoe's love!
AWWWWWWWWWWW! ^_^
I love you, my fine feathered friend!
I love you too, ya big lug!

 

by Pirate_Dave
4-04-01
Early man.
Duh... Ook ook ook.
Duh... Ook ook ook.
I say! This monoith certainly did make us intellegent all of a sudden, didn't it Cecil?
Oh, definately, Clarence! We use tools now and are now war-like.
Meanwhile, up in space... Suddenly it's the future! Now for a long boring chain of events that has little to do with the rest of the movie!
In the future, space stations look exactly like modern day airports, the inside of space ships look like the insides of airplanes, and space ships also have stewardesses.

 

by Pirate_Dave
4-04-01
You know dude, we should disconnect Hal. He's malfunctioning.
Dude! That's exactly what I was thinking! I'm just glad Hal can't hear us. I just hope he can't read lips.
Oh no! Hal found out and shot my best friend into space!
Crud. I'm dead.
Dude. I just saw my best friend die a painful, agonizing death right in front of me. I'll probably NEVER get over this. And now I have to "kill" this poor misunderstood evil computer.
Daisy, Daisy...

 

by Pirate_Dave
4-04-01
What in God's name is going on?! This psychodellic shit's been going on for what seems like hours!
Oh, look, I'm in a room watching myself get older. Obviously, this is meant to be taken symbolically.
Obviously, the audience has realized that the movie ended long ago when I disconnected Hal and everything after that has just been filler to make the movie seem longer and therefore more important.
Oh no! I'm a baby now! This is all overly symbolic and psuedo-intellectual. Plus, the name is an anachronism as of this year. Who could be responsible for this piece of crap? WHO?!
No one suspects the dog on the ball!

 

by Pirate_Dave
9-19-01
Mommy, will you always love me?
Of course I will. Make Mommy a drink, will you?
LATER...
*sigh*

 

by Pirate_Dave
11-16-01
Today, the part of Joshua Lesnick will be played by a hairy pervert who likes drawing big breasts and the part of David McGuire will be played by a giant pale chicken.
So, what else is new?
So Josh, want to hear me sing "Who needs the Quickie Mart" from the Simpsons again? I have it memorized.
GEE, David, I'd LOVE to hear your boring crap, but I've got a hot date with TWO girls!
...and BOY! When he says GIRLS, he means it!
Hi, we're Josh's dates.
I'm 8 and she's 7.

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