All comics by Sharpsponge

 

by Sharpsponge
10-02-10
Bwah! Bwah! I don't even want your hip-hop blood!
Yo, dig this, whitey. The ladies get all gooshy over that vampire tushy. We could probably work something out, no doubt.
I'm really actually into monogamous relationships right now. It's just me and Elvira. We're seeing a therapist.
Better get your thong unstuck and wise up, Drack gone whack. You're cultural merchandise to be milked for all it's worth.
Arrrhh! How did he see through my eternal facade? I am just a cheap corporate ho, it's true!
Boy, that pale gentleman in the razzle-dazzle suit sure looks sexy when he's angry!

 

by Sharpsponge
10-02-10
Excuse me, chap. I say, what are those things in stacks behind you?
Fast-food boxes. It's a fetish of mine. I know it's a problem.
And what about the hammer? Is that part of the fetish?
No, that's to keep my head from breaking in half. For some reason, my mouth was drawn in a complete circle like the equator.
Say what?
You might want to look the other way.

 

by Sharpsponge
10-02-10
I'm so fucking full right now. God, I ate that whole bucket of wings.
Yes, and it was rather disgusting. You sounded like a greyhound licking its balls.
Haha. You're just jealous because you're a vegetarian and your food all tastes like dirt.
You wouldn't even understand. I have a very sensitive palette. Meat is for blockheads whose taste buds have been destroyed by cheap whiskey.
Mmmm, whiskey. Time to go on a bender. See you later, Igor.
Call me on my cell at least and let me know how you are. You know how I worry, Dracula.

 

by Sharpsponge
10-02-10
Later, toward dawn ...
I'm back. I'm so fucking drunk! I can't even change out of this bat, ha ha ... HICKUP!
God, you are such a bad role model. I don't even know how you can run a children's TV show and be able to look at yourself in the mirror ... er, never mind.
Hey, is that you, Igor? It must be, it sounds like your whiny tone.
Well, I'm not going to wipe your tushy tonight, no sir. You're on your own!
Ah, man, you missed it. Luke showed up and he hadn't even heard about the sex tape yet. It was a riot!
Whatever. My ice cream is melting!

 

by Sharpsponge
10-02-10
Dude, can you hurry up. I need to barf.
I just noticed that my beard's all fucked up.
Can we talk about this later?
You know, you could have said something. Like, "Hey, did you know that your beard is all fucked up?"
Whatever. I'm just going to do some stretches right now anyway.
I bet my hair's all fucked up too and you didn't bother telling me. I forgot to look, I was so distracted by my beard.

 

by Sharpsponge
10-02-10
God, what a loser. She hasn't a care in the world, just breezing through life like it's some gravy train.
What a poser! Like I give a crap about his "oh, poor me" musings. Go shave and get a job, hippie!
That poor child. She must have horrible parents. Ugh, I'm so gassy. Too much spaghetti!
Wow, ever heard of a shower? It smells like a rotting artichoke took a big dump.
My, my. How much for a little action, missy?
Hey, weren't you the mayor of New York?

 

by Sharpsponge
10-02-10
Hey, no fair!
Yes, we've made a few technological adjustments since you vampires just won't go away.
Man, you are about to put a hare up my ass, buster. You conniving humans will be the death of me!
I'm not listening anymore ... the game's on.
I'm so thirsty.
Go flap somewhere else.

 

by Sharpsponge
10-02-10
I just don't understand. I thought I was family now.
I don't want to let you go, Robo, but think of the cat. She just doesn't get along with you.
OMG, I can't believe this is happening IMHO LOL ... does not compute BEEEPBLE GURRPP!!
Dude, can you go somewhere else and have your meltdown. I just mopped these floors.
PEEK-A-BOO!
AHHHH!! No way, I didn't know it was YOUUUU!! Wow, you really had me going!

 

by Sharpsponge
10-02-10
I've been meaning to ask what the antenna is for.
Incoming transmissions from my home planet, Xenon.
Oh, OK, I see what you're doing. Just because I happen to be a talking bat, I'm supposed to believe anything you say.
It is of no consequence whether you believe it or not, Earthling.
Come on, just lift that stupid helmet up and let me get a little taste!
I don't even know why I hang out with you.

 

by Sharpsponge
10-02-10
So, look buddy, if you're looking to upgrade, I have some great deals to tell you about.
I'm kinda used to the simple life, just a modest plot of land. I'll have to think it over.
You do that, sonny. Here's my card.
Can I stick my arm in your coffee?
Oh, yes! I thought you'd never ask.
I could see the necrolust in your eyes.

 

by Sharpsponge
10-02-10
Fancy meeting you here, roomie!
Goodness me! It really is a small world after all.
Oh, hey, did you get milk? It's your turn, you know. It's also your turn to get the toilet paper, and not that 1-ply stuff either cheapskate.
Yeah, yeah, don't worry about it. ... Say, which is the best vortex in here?
Oh, I don't come for the vortexes. I'm a neuter, remember? And would it be possible for you to stop cleaning your diapers in the bathroom sink? The nuts get stuck in the drain.
Oh, I do love to soil my britches. It is a very liberating experience.

 

My forcefield isn't big enough to cover you.
That's OK, space Jesus. I experienced more explosions than this in the bathroom this morning, LOL!
by Sharpsponge, 10-02-10

 

by Sharpsponge
10-03-10
I heard that before he died, Michael Jackson and Bubbles switched places. That's why Bubbles has been going in for plastic surgery.
How could he do that?
Apparently, his friend Liza Minnelli is heavily into Eckankar and does astral travel and spells and shit.
Liza Minnelli was really good in "Cabaret." Have you seen that? She married that gay guy but she's a lesbian anyway. She's like a bulldog. She's meaner than Jack Nicholson.
Sigh! We have this same dumb conversation every Thursday, I swear to god.
Oh, well. Too bad, so sad, bub.

 

by Sharpsponge
10-03-10
Perhaps there is no time, perhaps just our continual backlogging and conjuring up of history in books and in our minds wears down the fabric of a constant reality.
But if man ever discovered how to control time, it would become our most precious commodity. The more money you have, the longer would be your lifespan.
if you are in debt, they would threaten to speed up your aging process if you didn't pay your bills. Time travel will ultimately cause a major spike in homelessness.

 

by Sharpsponge
10-03-10
When firms finally start marketing lingerie for dogs and cats, that will be a major breakthrough for interspecies relations.
That's true, Bob. People who didn't know they were attracted to cats or dogs will come to the realization that they are.
Then pets and their owners can get married.
Hey, I'm all for that, Bob, as long as I get a tax break. Har! Har!
The Westminster dog show would never be the same again.
Yeah, it would be like "The Dating Game."

 

by Sharpsponge
10-03-10
What if killing yourself was the only way to live on in the afterlife?
Well, Bob, it sure would make death cults seem more sensible.
Yeah, but how could you be sure? I mean you can argue Jesus killed himself since he was told he would have to die on Good Friday, and we know he went to heaven.
I'm sorry, what did you say? I got lost in the flapping of your beard worms again.
Sometimes, I just sit all day in bed and fondle them, Gertrude.
I am so jealous of you right now!!

 

by Sharpsponge
10-03-10
Did you hear that they sent Brangelina to Gaza Strip, and they were able to broker peace, with the condition that they would take the paparazzi with them when they left.
Oh, I just love celebrities. But I'm having the darnedest time choosing between Tom Hanks and Clint Eastwood for president!
Oh, well that's easy. It's neither. People still like watching those guys in movies. It's going to be either Ernest Borgnine or Tom Cruise.
What will Scientology rule be like, Bob?
What are you asking me for?! Just because I look different!? That's racist!!
Does that mean there will be another "Battleship Earth"?

 

by Sharpsponge
10-03-10
We interrupt this special bulletin concerning the arrival of Armaggedon, to go live to correspondent Lindsay Lohan.
"Burb! Hazzle fraggo-winky? Ugggh, poobell raddner, in doe, indoed."
Oh, she's such a special darling! I need to get my hair done!

 

by Sharpsponge
10-03-10
Breaking news:
Do I look concerned enough. This is my serious look. I'm having trouble holding in this fart.
What was it, Dan, that caused the earth to rip open and demons to fly forth from inside like devil yolk from a hell egg?
I'm going to get so high when I get home. I just got that bag of good stuff. I'm going to play Sonic the Hedgehog alllll night.
Well, Sarah, you have a vivid imagination. Sources say this whole situation might be a mass hallucination from illegal immigrants infecting our water supply with PCP.
I can't wait to meet Marilyn Manson!
Dan, did you just see that narwhal come out of my belly and then I was inside a burrito recovering from the flu? Oh my god, you're not Dan!!!

 

by Sharpsponge
10-03-10
"Dear God, I'm your biggest fan. My wife thinks I'm suffering from some kind of latent homosexual daddy complex, but she's got issues."
"Anyway, I know you're probably busy tending to new flocks on new worlds, but if you get a chance, could you create a form of marijuana that doesn't give you the munchies?"
"I'm so fat right now that my chin flab sometimes gets caught in my pits and then ..."
Yo, dude! Are you reading my mail?! Don't you know I'm omnipotent?

 

by Sharpsponge
10-03-10
I know I didn't mention my hook in the ad, but it's just the kind of thing that's better to talk about in person.
And what's your excuse for not mentioning the beer gut?
I just have a couple of beers a night. The problem is my low metabolism.
Oh, there's another turn on. I'm out of here.
Later, at the club.
So let me tell you about my girlfriend. Oh, she'll be the death of me. She's always getting on me about exercise and how I drink too much ...

 

by Sharpsponge
10-04-10
I got this letter the other day from my kindergarten teacher. She said she had been fantasizing about me and had just left her husband.
I wrote back, saying if you can put up with my temper tantrums and dirt clod wars and occasionally wetting the bed, let's do this.

 

by Sharpsponge
10-04-10
Technology, it's crazy stuff. Pretty soon, when my dog takes a dump in the yard, it will immediately show up in my Twitter feed, which will conduct an analysis of the stool and compile the results.
I'll soon be able to tinker with my neurotransmitters with the help of cheap nano tools you can buy on the black market.
The future looks bright.

 

by Sharpsponge
10-05-10
Hey Evil Dead Kurt, I think I just figured out this Justin Bieber thing. Girls like him because his hair looks like the backside of a rooster.
.......
Wait, I don't get it again.
I'm sorry, did you just say something?

 

by Sharpsponge
10-05-10
Why the hell would you write "murder" backward in blood after you killed somebody? It doesn't even make sense if you're a fan of "The Shining" because it doesn't look like "redrum."
... ummm
What? Is this supposed to be looking out from the inside of God's lilywhite anus??
errr....
Oh, so I guess you just get to be a giant when you're in this fucking panel!!!
Gulp! The buildings are getting smaller again!

 

by Sharpsponge
10-05-10
I think I just saw a turtledoo tickertoo fly by rooty toot and a hoo-hoo!
That felt really good. I feel like I'm finally starting to express myself in the loving embrace of many-me in time's everlasting lap.
And you can go ahead and talk over here too if you want. Well OK, if you insist! I insist, insistically!

 

by Sharpsponge
10-05-10
Oh yes, children, my pinky squirts water, hoo-hoo!
And, for some reason, my other pinky sprays urine, nukk nukk!
I also like to menstruate. It's an acquired taste.

 

Wow, I found the tree that bowling balls come from!
by Sharpsponge, 10-05-10

 

I'm so glad I found you!
I'd say you're a little late.
by Sharpsponge, 10-07-10

 

by Sharpsponge
10-07-10
Don't piss on the house, son.
I SAID CUT IT OUT!!
No, not "cut it off"!! Hey, is that the knife I got you for your birthday?

 

by Sharpsponge
10-09-11
Somewhere inside Rush Limbaugh's head sometime after midnight.
It's not good for me to be down here this long. I'm losing my crispiness.
We must wait for the Great Wise Stick of Butter to put on his scuba tank.
Oh, goody! Wait, where are my chaps?

 

That was really cool when you popped the patient's blood vessel and it squirted all over Rick.
I learned that trick when I worked at McDonald's.
by Sharpsponge, 10-09-11

 

by Sharpsponge
11-04-11
Hey, how did you just disappear like that?
Jesus on a cracker, I'm right here. Can't you hear me breathing? I have hard-core emphysema, for fucksakes.
Oh ...
I mean I breathe so embarrassingly loud, I sound like a hyperactive referee using an asphalt-battered small intestine for a whistle!
Again? wtf?
I kind of wish I'd never taken that yoga class now.

 

by Sharpsponge
11-05-11
Like, where do you get off calling me cheap, man?
CHEEP!

 

by Sharpsponge
11-05-11
Got a clove, Larry? I'm all out, my man.
Look, Chester. I don't know how to tell you this, but I just hijacked your personal email and sent death threats to the presidents of five different nations.
Hey man, all I did was ask for a cigarette. You didn't need to send me on a bum trip. I know we're not friends. I can't stand your "Miami Vice"-looking ass either, but we have to work together.
Look, Chester. All of us in the office got together and started a charity to raise money so we could hire an assassin to kill you, and we're just 5 bucks shy now.
Prick.
How about it? Got a spare $5?

 

by Sharpsponge
11-06-11
Man, that dog has bad gas!

 

by Sharpsponge
11-06-11
Oh goody! Oh goody! Smells so nice! Super sticky!!
Hey, look out, gangster farmer or whatever you're supposed to be. I'm on a mission!!
Nobody messes with this snail when I'm about to score some weed.

 

by Sharpsponge
11-07-11
Hey, buddy, can you help me down from here?
Hell, no, man! You're just trying to get me in trouble.
No, it's not like that. I've got a potion that will make you an angel again if you get me down.
Oh, wow! OK, you got yourself a deal!
Sucker!
Not funny!

 

by Sharpsponge
11-11-11
I know that by the year 2151, all forms of entertainment will be combined into one multi-virtual collective stream that replaces what we now consider to be the real world.
It will make the "internet" seem like Duck Duck Goose by comparison. If I lived then, my life would be downloadable and uploadable, like a torrent file.
But with all the sharing of "files" going on, there won't actually be time for any genuine living, except for a chosen few -- just like it is today.

 

by Sharpsponge
11-11-11
If my personality and preferences are proven to be due entirely to my DNA signature, that's the same as having no free will.
Which makes science and Hinduism two brothers from another mother.
Meanwhile, back at the lab ...
Holy fuck! I forgot to feed my deities before I left!

 

Look at that tail!
by Sharpsponge, 11-11-11

 

by Sharpsponge
11-11-11
Step 1: First you have to capture an evil entity. A good place to start is Pittsburgh.
I'll make you eat your microwaved innards, foolish mortal!
Step 2: The long process of potty-training the brute psychopath begins.
I made a poopy!
er, you're not supposed to ...
Step 3: After subjecting the beast to a series of electroshocks and brainwashings, it's time to try out your brand-new politician. Good luck!
"I would do away with the Education, the Commerce and -- let's see -- I can't. The third one, I can't. Sorry. Oops."

 

by Sharpsponge
11-12-11
Hey buddy, can you give me a hand?

 

I'm a little old for you, aren't I?
by Sharpsponge, 11-12-11

 

by Sharpsponge
11-12-11
Somewhere in South Sudan ...
OK, I think we're safe.
SQUAWK?
Hold up, better make a dash to your left, Squawky!
Oh, wait, I mean my left, not your left.
SQUAWK!!

 

by Sharpsponge
11-12-11
I'm going to ram my Firebolt right through your goal posts!
Oh, yes, I want to suck on your Quaffles till they're sore!

 

Is it considered cheating if you eat your boogers during a hunger strike?
by Sharpsponge, 6-23-12

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