All comics by apejuice

 

by apejuice
8-23-01
roger followed the hooker back to her place
so, what do you think goes on here?
i don't know
i'm a scientist. i'm conducting experiments
wow. what kind?
i'm turning people into hookers by just looking at them.
er . . .?

 

by apejuice
8-24-01
excuse me. have you seen my kitten?
yeah, she's in there. right at the back
howdy. i've lost my horse. you seen it?
sure. he's in there. in the far corner.
heh heh. they aint in there any more, boss.
eat, my pretty. eat and grow strong.

 

by apejuice
8-24-01
hi paul. i picked up your mail for you. it's a letter from the council
read it to me while i put the kettle on.
something about being evicted from your bin. 'dear mr flavell. we are writing to inform you that . . . blah blah blah . . .non-payment of rent . . . blah blah . . . twenty four hours notice.
and what's the date on the letter?
oh. er . . . . . . . . yesterday.
can you spare ten pence for a cup of tea?

 

by apejuice
8-24-01
hello. dr fielding speaking. how can i help you
hi dr fielding. listen can i ask your advice. my sister has a slight temperature. what can i do for her?
he says i'm to make sure you drink plenty of water and i should dab your forehead with a damp facecloth.
AAAAAAAAAAHHHH! fucking hell man i'm melting!
where's your forehead?

 

by apejuice
8-24-01
hi. i'm the drunken homeless guy from the movies. i'm usually in lighthearted comedy or action flicks, starring the likes of james belushi, or eddie murphy.
i usually appear in a scene set in a dark alley. the kind that has steam coming out of the floor, and big wheelie bins.
and when something unbelievable happens. e.g. arnold schwarzenegger falling to earth naked, or something . . .
. . . it's my job to rub my eyes and look at my bottle of booze, as if to say 'wow i must be ripped to the fucking tits'. but nothing like that happens to me really.
give me your clothes, your boots and something to cover my tail.
hey this is one good hallucination.

 

by apejuice
8-24-01
hello dear. did you have a nice afternoon with your mother? where are the kids?
don't you 'hello dear' me you smarmy bastard. what time do you call this?
well yes, i realise i'm a little late dear, but i had a stack of paper work to do and then my train was delayed.
i phoned your office at half past four and they said you'd left just after lunch with a new client. where the bloody hell have you been?
darling i think you'd better sit down. i've done something really stupid. it meant nothing.
i'm calling you a taxi. don't even take off your fucking coat.

 

by apejuice
8-24-01
psst. see that chicken over there on the stool? she's been starin' at me for hours. i think i'm in with a chance.
buk
i'm gonna cut off her head and put it in a bag with the others. then burn her headless torso.
buk
what upsets you the most? the burning or the collecting of the heads?

 

by apejuice
8-28-01
All things bright and beautiful. All creatures great and small . . .
All things wise and wonderful. The lord God made them all . . .
Except you.

 

by apejuice
8-28-01
i love the park in the summer.
pardon me. can you tell me how to get to the cafe?
sweet jesus! get away from me you freak.
but i . . .
talk to the hand, spaghetti face.

 

by apejuice
8-28-01
Listen up fellas. I am issuing you all with names for the duration of the robbery. These are non-negotioable. Here goes . . .
I want to be Mr. Black.
I want to be Mr. Black.
I want to be Mr. Black.
I want to be Mr. Black.
I want to be Celine Dion.

 

by apejuice
8-29-01
RING RING . . . RING RING . . .
oh my god that'll be rachel. please let it be rachel. ok, act cool. don't answer yet. give it two more rings,
RING RI . . . sorry tyler. just kidding.
you bastard!
heh heh 'oooh i really hope rachel calls me tonight. i'm like sooo in luuurve'.
shut up!

 

by apejuice
8-29-01
she is D-I-S-C-O, she is D-I-S-C-O . . .
she is 'D' Desirable, she is 'I' Irresistable . . .
she is 'S' super sexy, she is 'C' sweet as candy . . .
she is 'O' OOOOOOHHH!
hi there new boy, can i buy you a drink?
i feel so alive i could just weep!

 

by apejuice
9-03-01
so then after university i landed a job with a music magazine as a graphic designer, which was great at first . .
but i yearned for a more flexible medium for my work. so that's when i started to learn a little HTML, java etc and set up my own web design business . .
. . and extra fries and a chocolate donut, please.
did he say a coke or diet coke?

 

by apejuice
9-05-01
huey lewis and the gnus.
yeah, and paul gnuman.
ha ha. and bob gnuhart.
ha ha, remember gnu edition?
yeah i do. what about gnu order?
i wish i gnu more of these things.

 

by apejuice
9-05-01
'gnu this, gnu that.' i can't work with this script. it's a pile of dogshit, and the author has no talent whatsoever.
i know it's embarrasing, but i just try to think about the money when i say all that crap. it's just a job, kiddo.
yeah you're right. i guess i'm just feeling a bit down today. ah well, 'gnu this, gnu fucking that . . .'

 

by apejuice
9-07-01
. . . so anyway, i get us involved in a series of unlikely scrapes with real villains like lenny mclean, vinnie jones and the kid from press gang.
what, despite the fact that we look more like a gang of middle class students than east end wide boys?
don't you worry about that, they'll swallow it alright. and there are gonna be scenes where we're having a proper laugh like lads do. in pubs and all that.
i hope they shoot some of it at double speed and play a cack fatboy slim tune so we look dead mashed. can we be drinking tequila?
yeah. oh and there are gonna be loads of old cars, cool ones like in the sweeney. and we all wear sharp gangster suits. like in get carter, only prettier.
hold on. don't real gangsters wear tracksuits and drive lexuses? i'm not sure about this. it sounds a bit shit.

 

by apejuice
9-10-01
OK then, i'm all set. See you in two weeks. You promise you'll feed her every day? She's very sensitive.
Heh heh. Oh i'll feed her alright. Come to daddy, fluffball.
Oh thank god. Two weeks without donkey rape.

 

by apejuice
9-13-01
Great party.
Yep!
Jesus! Who's that?
His invite says Apejuice, but . . .
I know. Coincidence, huh?

 

by apejuice
9-14-01
YOU ARE MY SLAVE ! ! ! !
Yes.
DESTROY ! ! ! ! !
Okay.
KILL ! ! ! !
Sometimes, I wish I'd married her sister.

 

by apejuice
9-17-01
Bloody hell, These newbies are getting funny.
I know. I'm starting to feel nostalgic for the days when they all begged us to look at their shitfest of comics.
I agree, man. It used to be great in the old days. When newbies knew their place. I miss those days.
I'm going to be much nicer to proper newbies from now on. I really miss their wide eyed innocence.
later
Listen everyone, I'm new here. Please take a look at my comics and tell me if you like them. :-)))
RAAAARR!! WHY DON'T YOU JUST FUCK OFF. YOUR COMICS SUCK ASS YOU GODDAMN NEWBIE FOOL.

 

by apejuice
9-17-01
________________________________________________
You'll have to excuse me, I don't have my contacts in today. Anyway . . .
________________________________________________
. . . I went off and got a couple of tuna steaks and some baguettes. So, to cut a long story short . . .
_________________________________________________
. . . all 5000 of them stayed for lunch. Are you okay? You're awful quiet today.
Jesus, this guy is boring.

 

by apejuice
9-18-01
2:35am
I just made my own comic and I'm gonna post it in this forum. "Hi guys I'm new here. Take a look at my cool comix"
2:40am
REFRESH . . . CLICK . . . REFRESH
So many of my friends tell me i should be a cartoonist, so i can't wait for a reaction here. I'm real excited.
2:45am
"This is wanktastic" "Lacking any amusing content" "Wasting my time" "Never make a cartoonist" "RAARR" etc.
Wendy, have you seen that Burgerking application form?

 

by apejuice
9-20-01
Shit, Dan. Don't you know anything about music? Black Sabbath are the best rock band ever. Jesus, you make me sick, you goddamn fool.
You're talking out of your arse. Black Sabbath are a pile of crap. Led Zeppelin are the only true rock gods. And that's final. Dumb-ass.
Hey, what about Journey? They were pretty good.
Fancy a beer, Dan?
Follow me. Don't look at it's eyes.

 

by apejuice
9-25-01
. . . and he opened his mouth in blasphemy against God, to blaspheme his name, and his tabernacle . . .
Oh wow! Really?
RAARR!! THIS IS CRAP. TOBOR HATES HEAVEN!!
Psst. Hey kid. How boring is this guy? I have hookers and vodka at my place. Wanna come?
Well, here we are, Tobor my boy. Now you have to prove your allegiance to Uncle Satan.
RAARR!! THIS IS MORE LIKE IT. TOBOR CORNHOLE UNCLE SATAN INTO NEXT WEEK!!

 

by apejuice
9-25-01
. . . and he opened his mouth in blasphemy against God, to blaspheme his name, and his tabernacle . . .
Oh wow! Really?
RAARR!! THIS IS CRAP. TOBOR HATES HEAVEN!!
Psst. Hey kid. How boring is this guy? I have hookers and vodka at my place. Wanna come?
Well, here we are, Tobor my boy. Now you have to prove your allegiance to Uncle Satan.
RAARR!! THIS IS MORE LIKE IT. TOBOR CORNHOLE UNCLE SATAN INTO NEXT WEEK!!

 

by apejuice
9-25-01
. . . and he opened his mouth in blasphemy against God, to blaspheme his name, and his tabernacle . . .
Oh wow! Really?
RAARR!! THIS IS CRAP. TOBOR HATES HEAVEN!!
Psst. Hey kid. How boring is this guy? I have hookers and vodka at my place. Wanna come?
Well, here we are, Tobor my boy. Now you have to prove your allegiance to Uncle Satan.
RAARR!! THIS IS MORE LIKE IT. TOBOR CORNHOLE UNCLE SATAN INTO NEXT WEEK!!

 

by apejuice
9-25-01
We're not entirely happy with this situatiion.
We feel that we get overlooked, just because we're the default characters.
What we'd really like is a chance to show how funny we can be.
Asiangirl1 is right. We can be just as funny as the rest of them. Watch this.
Waiter, waiter! there's a fly in my soup.
I'm very sorry, madam. I'll get you a fresh bowl . . . ah shit. Can we try again?

 

by apejuice
9-25-01
.;...;...'...;..,,';;:::::~,,~**.;...;...'...;..,,';;
.;...;...'...;..,,';;:::::~,,~**.;...;...'...;..,,';;:::::~
.;...;...'...;..,,';;:::::~,,~**.;...;...'...;..,,';;:::::

 

by apejuice
9-26-01
. . . and if you're looking for something a little more roomy, we have this '97 model here. Aircon, Leather, etc.
Oooh it's nice. How much do you want for it?
Think of this car as an investment. Like you said yourself, "For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also". It's nine and a half thousand.
OK, I'll take it. Wow this is exciting!
STEP OFF, FUCKO! That is police property and you are under arrest!
Damn you again, Satan!

 

by apejuice
9-27-01
Wow! I wasn't expecting that. What do I do now?
Well, you could start by cleaning up this mess. Then ask yourself some important questions.
Such as . . .?
OK . . . Why do you think this has happened?
Bomb them?
Holy crap.

 

by apejuice
9-28-01
this fagit cowboy looks like michael morgan only less of a gHeY inbreeD
YO DOOD WAZZZZZUUUUUPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
hey liddle feller what you doin out here in teh desert all alone??? does yo momma know you out here cuz if she dont then you in a whole big heap o trouble
so
I AINT NO LIDDLE FELLER A-HOLE SMELL MY FREAKING CRIACK YOU BIATCH!
WTF have annyboddy seen my hoss?
suddenlyontheothersideoftown.....................
Jesus? What the fuck is all that?
i've come to talk to you about aLL yuOR fUCkInG b4sE G4nG5t4!!!!!! n00bz r00000LLLLL. LLL

 

by apejuice
9-28-01
A warm round of applause if you please, for the one and only . . GRIM . . REAPER !!!!
HELLO CLEVELAND !!!
. . . go totally crazy, forget i'm a lady . . . mens shirt, short skirt, wa oh oh ohh . . .
WORK IT GIRLFRIEND !

 

by apejuice
9-28-01
Death used to sell seed to domestic birds that had been released back into their natural habitat.
SEED ! Get your seed here.
One bag please.
How much is it?
I'm sooo hungry. I'm getting two bags.
This line is just for seed, you know?

 

by apejuice
9-28-01
Can I help you?
Hi. I ordered a spicy chicken pizza in the name of Tyler, for six thirty.
But it's only six fifteen? It's not ready yet.
Well can I just hang around. Maybe read a magazine?
Let's take a walk and kill a few cats. Did I say cats? I meant minutes.
Woo! On second thoughts, I think I still have some lasagne left in the fridge.

 

by apejuice
10-01-01
Daddy, it hurts. Are we nearly at the hospital ?
It's OK Sally, we'll be there in a . . . Oh God . . . Sally ! Breathe !!!
Whoa there, sunshine. You call that parking? I'm gonna have to write you a ticket !
Hello darling, I'm home. Hey, the funniest thing happened at work today !!!

 

by apejuice
10-05-01
Uhh . . . Mr Floyd?
Over here!

 

by apejuice
10-05-01
Is today sunday?
Yup.

 

by apejuice
10-05-01
Is it sunday yet?
yup!

 

by apejuice
10-09-01
Missiles are fired . . .
Let's go kick some Afghan butt !!!
Sure thang, pardner. Yeehawww !!!
With surgical precision.
I'm starving. I'd give my right arm for a juicy cheeseburger.
Yeah me too. Hey, what's that whistling noise? OH SHIT, DUCK !!!
BANG! Oops.
AAHH !! MY ARM !!!
So, where are the cheeseburgers?

 

by apejuice
10-09-01
5am
You learn a lot of new skills in prison. Watch this.
5pm
See. Never moved an inch.
10pm
LIGHTS OUT !!!
I need to get out of here.

 

by apejuice
10-13-01
Feel the burn!
No pain, no gain.
. . . and STRETCH and REACH and UP and DOWN and relax. Phew! Looking good girls!

 

by apejuice
10-13-01
Feel the burn!
No pain, no gain!
. . . and STRETCH and REACH and UP and DOWN and relax. Phew! Looking good girls!

 

by apejuice
10-13-01
One
Man
Went
To
moh!
Could somebody please mention Hitler, now?

 

by apejuice
10-18-01
Hey Mandy. Happy Birthday. What's going on?
Hello Gloria. Keep it on the D.L. but someone left the cake out in the rain all night long. I need to get a substitute, fast.
So what? Don't worry. Be happy. Yours is no disgrace. Put some brass in pocket and I can give you what you need. I have an american pie here in my car.
That's a relief. I thought I'd have to serve lumpy gravy and hot dogs. Is it really good stuff?
Would i lie to you. This is some expensive shit. What do you think?
It looks like we made it.

 

by apejuice
11-10-01
Listen lady, everything will be fine if you just hand over your purse.
But I'm an elephant. I don't carry a purse.
What? Is this some kind of joke? I saw you paying the pizza boy. Gimme the damn purse.
Okay, okay. It's in the kitchen. I'll go and get it. There's not much cash in it though. Just store cards mainly.
later
Ah, whats the use. How could I sink so low. If my mother could see me now she'd be spinning in her grave.
I don't mean to be rude but do you still want this purse or not?

 

by apejuice
12-05-01
Holy refried beans, saddle-boy ! This city isn't just going to save itself from the evil grasp of doctor death and his mongonauts.
Zowie !
I'll be honest Chaps-Man. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about but I'm right behind you. Let's go save the city !

 

by apejuice
12-05-01
Holy refried beans, saddle-boy ! This city isn't just going to save itself from the evil grasp of doctor death and his mongonauts.
Zowie !
I'll be honest Chaps-Man. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, but I'm right behind you. Let's go save the city !

 

by apejuice
12-05-01
Holy refried beans, saddle-boy ! This city isn't just going to save itself from the evil grasp of doctor death and his mongonauts.
Zowie !
I'll be honest Chaps-Man. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, but I'm right behind you. Let's go save the city !

 

by apejuice
3-20-02
Darling, you haven't forgotten that we invited my boss and his wife round for dinner, have you? They'll be here any minute.
But darling, I have a huge cocaine and sex party planned for tonight. The stripper is booked and all the girls are coming. They'll be here any minute.
Oh Jesus Christ!
Don't panic. We'll just have to keep them apart. I'll keep my party in the living room, and you entertain Mr. Blotarsky and his good lady wife in the dining room.
Well it's a crappy idea but we haven't got much time. Let's just hope nothing terrible happens.
I have a wad of twentys here that says Mrs. Blotarsky finds a ten inch dildo in the bread basket.

 

by apejuice
3-13-03
Last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day you gave it away. . .
b-b-but Lord . . .
This year to save me from tears, I'll give it to someone special.
special?
Oh Christ!
Damn right you will sunshine. And I'll take a fuckin' lung too if you don't treat daddy nice.

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