All comics by dogman10

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by dogman10
10-13-05
I'm going to do it. I'm going to make us a great patio, just like that guy on This Old House.
Are you sure about this? The last time you tried, you nailed yourself to the house.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can't say I didn't see that one coming.
A few minutes later.....
What did I do to end up here? I thought I lived a good life.
You sucked at masonry. Satan watches This Old House too.

 

by dogman10
10-13-05
I'm sorry Bill, but were going to have to let go.
Ok, I guess I'll have to eat dog food again and have to not wear socks anymore. I guess you could call me a worthless human being.
Bill don't take this so hard. Your not a worthless human being cough... cough... Oh yeah you better get the hell out of this building in 3 minutes, or I'll call security on your a**.
I don't want to live anymore. I don't have, a home, a job, a girlfriend, a friend or even a good pair of pants. I 'm going to kill myself. Yeah I'm going to do it. Bye, A**hole.
Welcome to hell you worthless piece of sh**. You make me sick. You deserve , to be kicked in the balls a million times. But don't worry there's enough time. Your going to be here for a very long time.
Ah, shucks. I guess this is better than Earth, but at least I still have my boxers on.

 

by dogman10
10-13-05
I know it's you dad. I not a baby I know that Santa doesn't exist.
Ho, ho ,ho. It's me Santa Cluas. I just came to bring you presents. Your on the nice list this year.
Hi, son I just came home from work.
If my dad is out here, then who is that Santa Cluas inside my house.
Your not my dad get the hell out of my house. Oh sh**!
Hello, again. I'm not your dad I'm Santa Cluas. I'm sorry, but I lied, your on the naughty list. Do you know what happens to beautiful naughty boys? Don't worry your about to find out. **laughes**

 

by dogman10
10-13-05
Look, Bob, we're going to have to let you go. Money laundering is absolutely unacceptable at Swinson&Tilder.
What are you talkng about? I didn't launder a cent from the company.
Look, dammit. Don't make this harder than it has to be. You have five minutes to clear your office and get the hell out of here.
I can't believe this crap. You're the one with the suspicious bank accounts! You're just blaming me to save yourself.
Later that day.....
Here's what you do Billy. Take this drug money to the bank. Deposit it under the name Jonny Rocketfingers. By sending it through your cancer found, it is made clean so I can't go to prison.
Okay, Mr. Daniels!

 

by dogman10
10-13-05
Billy, thats why you shouldn't drink and drive. Look at me, it ruined my life. I am never ever going to drink again.
Thanks for talking to me. I'm never going to drink and drive.
That will be $10.00
I'd like to buy a six pack of beer.
To think that, I actually believed him.

 

by dogman10
10-13-05
Mrs. Wilkins, I'm sorry, but your son Billy died from complications during surgery.
No, that's not possible. He was just getting his tonsils removed. What were the complictions?
Well, I guess you could call it a surgical error. I kind of um... spilled some hot coffee on his larynx.
You son of a b****h!!! I'm gonna kill you
Later.....
Billy, your mom has a temper. Hey dude, that surgery, my bad. We're cool, right.
Shut up. This is all your fault. Just keep plowing idiot.

 

by dogman10
10-14-05
Would you like to donate to the help a serial killer fund. It helps serial killers deal with their emotional problems.
Hey, aren't you you that guy who came here last week asking me to donate to the mentaly insane fund.
Just donate some money of put a f***ing nail in your skull.
Get a job you f***ing bum and get the hell off my property.
You should of donated you f***ing piece of sh**!

 

by dogman10
10-14-05
I lloking for a son of a bi*** named chris. Would you happen to know wher he is?
I know a lot of Chris's. I want to get to know first. Lets have a drink together.
Look bud, I'm not here to pick up fags. I'm here to kill a guy named chris. If you don't get out of my way in 3 seconds I'll slaughter you to.
So, I guess you want to be freaky naughty. I'm ready big boy. Do your worst. I'm going to be here all night.
You wouldn't listen you piece of gay sh**. You just wouldn't listen. Well, at lest I got to kill someone, Today.

 

by dogman10
10-14-05
Oh man! I must be the last person on Earth. I can't believe that Russia would nuke us like this, but I never though that Russia would nuke itself too.
What the hell? I'm not the only person who survived.
Hello beatiful man. I guess we are the only two survivers of the bombs. You know what that means.**smiles** That means that we are the two men that have continue the human race.
You commited suicide. That automatically gets you into hell. Your going to suffer an eternity of pain and suffering. You worthless being.
At lest Hell is better than Earth.

 

by dogman10
10-14-05
Ah, Peter, today is not your day off and it's not a holiday so why aren't you at work right now. If you don't come to work in 20 minutes, then I coming to your house.
Like he's actually going to come to my house.
15 Minutes Later....
Hey Peter are you there? If you don't get your a** to work in 2 minutes then I'm going to fire your a**! I'm going to open the door, Peter.
Oh, sh**! He actually came!
?

 

by dogman10
10-14-05
Today's subject is company funds. That reminds me of a time when, I was a boy. I was going to school and.....
?
.....and that's why when I was a kid I misused my funds. Any questions? Ok, lets get to the subject. Is anybody out there.....
An Hour Later....

 

by dogman10
10-14-05
Trick or Treat.
I got to get some more candy. Wait here.
Nooooooooooooo!
This is what, I got you. You piece of sh**!
Trick or Treat.
**smiles** I'm going to get some candy.

 

by dogman10
10-15-05
That was a very boring day of work. Wait did I just hear a sound come from inside my house. I better slaughter who ever is in there!
Someone shuts the door behind him....
Hello sexy boy. I let myself in, I hope that it is ok with you. I'm ready for a long pleasureful night of sex and romance.
I'm going to freshen up in the bathroom. It will will only take a minute.
2 minutes later.....
What are you doing sex monkey. You said you would be out in a minute. I'm getting horny.
I'm almost ready. Just give me one more minute.

 

by dogman10
10-15-05
I'm sorry Bob, but I'm going to have to fire you. You have 10 minutes to clear out your desk and get the hell out of my sight.
Ok. Thanks anyway for not firing me at any other time in my 23 year career with this company. Don't worry I'm not mad. I'm mean who gets mad after they get fired.
30 minutes later.....
I'll probably get evicted from my house and I won't be able to pay my monthly car payments and my wife will probably leave me. I'm not mad everything is going to be ok.
1 minute later.....
You piece of sh**!

 

by dogman10
10-15-05
Now children, most of the thing you might here about prison aren't true. For example, I dropped the bar of soap in the shower, and I turned out fine.
Mr. Johnson, thats not true. you went gay from prison.
Billy, I was gay the whole time. I just needed some convicts to help me realize it.
Billy, you look like a supple young piece of meat. Where do you live? I want to go there and make sweet love to you.
In your dreams, fag.

 

by dogman10
10-16-05
I got you some flowers. maybe, we can go to the movies together, or go to dinner together. I really like you.
I don't even know who the hell you are. Get the hell of my property in 3 seconds or I'm calling the cops.
I, also got you this, you sick piece of sh**!
Noooooooooooooo!
10 minutes later....
I got you some flowers. Maybe we can go to the movies together, or go to dinner together. I really like you. **smiles**
I have a boyfriend you sh**head. Hey aren't you that killer that kills women that don't go out with him. Oh sh**!

 

by dogman10
10-16-05
Ok, class it's time for today's sheduled oral exam. Remeber, this is worth half your grade, so you better have studied for it. **smiles**
What subject is the exam on?
This exam wasn't sheduled. You haven't said anything about an exam until now.
Why are you smiling this is just a boring exam?
Why are you diming the lights? We need light to be able to read the exam.
And why are you striping naked?

 

by dogman10
10-16-05
Your under arrest for child pornography. You sick f**k I hope you rot in jail. Take him away, boys.
Officer, I have a disease. I just couldn't help myself.
I'm gonna jump off this building! I don't want to live any more.
Go ahead, you fudge packer. One less child preadator in the world.
Later.....
Damn Bill, I'm good. Let's go get some coffee.
Actually, I've got a better idea. Wink Wink.

 

by dogman10
10-16-05
Hey, Bobby would you like a soda.**puts pill in soda** Here ya go. Drink up.
Thanks **drinks soda** This soda tastes funny. **passes out**
3 hours later....
He dosen't suspect a thing.
**wakes up** What the hell happened. I sure hope he didn't do what I thought he did.
15 minutes later....
Hey, Jimmy would you like a soda. **smiles**
Oh, Sh**!

 

by dogman10
10-16-05
I got the drugs. Do you got the money? Remember if you don't got the money I'll put a bullet in your f***ing head.
Well, I kinda forgot the money.
You don't got the money. Well I'm going to kill you and your whole family. You worthless piece of sh**!
I was just kiding. I have the 2 grand. Remember you have to give me a half kilo. Were cool ok.
**shots piece of sh**. I never liked that guy. That stupid piece of sh**! He actually thought I give him my product. Well, at least I got 2 grand and got to keep my half kilo.**smiles**

 

by dogman10
10-16-05
Do, you got the 5 grand you owe me, from last week's Cowboy game. Remember if, you don't pay me the money now then I'll put a f***ing bullet in your head and in all your family's heads!
I'm sorry, but I don't got the money. I can get you the money next week, I swear. Please, don't kill me I have a wife and a kid. Please, I'm begging you.
That piece of sh**! He wasn't worth my air.**checks the corpse for money** that son of a b***h, he had the money. Now, I got to go to his house. I never break a promise.
A day later......
Hi. My name is Michael. I work with your husband at the factory. He's a good guy. He told me to tell you that he's going on a company trip, so he isn't going to be home for a while. **smiles**
I, don't remember, Bill telling me about you. Come in, I just made dinner. We have a 5 year old son named Billy.

 

by dogman10
10-19-05
**Hurls 5 times in a row** Oh, sh** I got something bad. I'm going to the hospital. **Hurls again**
1 day later....
So, Doc. Are my test results in. I think I'm going sick.
Your test results are in. I'm sorry to say, but you have a very serious form of A.D.D
Fu**!
Oh, did I say A.D.D. I'm meant E.D.D. Which means Erectile.Dysfunction.Disorder. I'm going to amputate your penis. That is..........if you want to live.

 

by dogman10
10-20-05
**Looks at clock** Oh, sh** it's 9:30. My physical is today at 9:00. **Runs out the door**
10 minutes later.....
So, where's the Dr. Franklin. I'm here for my physical.
He'll be right with you. Your 40 minutes late. I'm going to have to take your teperature. It's pre-physical proceeders.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I'm not taking your temperature from your mouth, silly. Take your pants off and bend down!

 

by dogman10
10-20-05
**Knocks on door** It's me frank the mailman.
I brought you your mail.
Thanks. **opens letter and reads it** "It's me if you don't pay me the money tomorrow, then I WILL KILL YOU!" This guy wants me to pay him the money I owe him. He' never going to get a cent. Ha, Ha!
Big mistake you sick fu**! I'm going to put a bullet in your Fu**ing skull!
Oh. I didn't recognize you Tony. I swear on my mother grave , Tony. I will get you the money tomorrow. Just, please, I'm to young to die. I'll be your slave Tony. I'll do anything you ask me. Forever!

 

by dogman10
10-29-05
hhey spockie, get me some ah romulan ale and a pack of uh.. twinkies.
Dammit man, get yourself together! You're turning into an alkie like Scotty.
shhut up you f***ing a**hole. don't uh talk about my wife like that you uh..uh f***ing leprechaun.
Scottie, your a g*d damn embarrasment. get youre a** of this ship.
Later, on Planet Zorgthob....
dooie dooie dooie doop dababbadabba dooie.
We're all screwed.

 

by dogman10
11-03-05
Arrrrrrrrg! Want me booty or I'll slice you like me father did to me!
? Oh, ya your booty. It's in the bathroom I'm going to get it for you. Just wait for minute. Ah...... yeah.
A couple of seconds later.....
WANT ME BOOTY NOW OR I'LL CHOP YOUR HEAD OFF!!!!!
I'm getting your booty. **puts booty suit on** I found it I'll be right there. master. **smiles**
Another couple of seconds later.....
So, me booty in your booty. Ok, I'll get it. **smiles**
Yes, master. **takes pants off** I'm not wearing any underwear. **Pirates puts hand up booty** Your booty is deeper. You can feel comfortable with me. Reach deeper. **Pirate reaches deeper** Ahhhhhhh!

 

by dogman10
11-07-05
Hello, my name is John Smith. I'm here on behave of the young child education charity. Do you have any young children, because if you do your child could win a scolarship to a private preschool.
Yes, I do. I have a 3 month year old baby boy. Come in, I want my baby to have the best education. I love my baby. He's in his room, so lets go before his nap time.
1 Minute Later......
Like stealing candy from a baby. Now to see the young piece a supple meat. I'm hungry. **slowly creeps up stairs** It's showtime baby. **Goes into baby's room and smiles.
Gaa Gaa. Goo Goo. Daddy. Wan Boba.
**Takes off mask** You look yummy **smiles wide** Oh, my do you want your bottle. I'm going to get it. It's long, hard and it has lots and lots of milk. **unzips tight spandex pants, slowly**

 

by dogman10
2-18-06
Yep, putting nude pictures on the internet was a great idea.
WTF! My websites been up for two hours and I've already gotten 20,000 hits! I am the greatest cocksman in the world!
The next day....
Look, I'm sorry my report is late Mr. Johnson, but can't you give me another chance?
Billy, I can't do that. It wouldn't be fair to the rest of the class. You're getting an F. Nice chode, by the way.

 

by dogman10
2-19-06
Hey! You're the bastard my wife's been cheating on me with. I'm gonna fucking kill you.
Please don't. My name is Tony. I'm a magician...
Listen douchebag. I don't give a fuck what you do. Cause in about 10 seconds, you'll be dead.*pulls gun from pocket*
How about you say hello to my little friend.*pulls uzi from tophat and shoots man*
Magician/assasin.

 

by dogman10
2-19-06
Hey, you're the dick who my wife cheated on. I'm gonna fuckin kill you.
Please don't do that. My name is Tony and I'm a magician.
Listen douchebag, I don't give a fuck what you do, cause in about 5 seconds you'll be dead.
Come on, don't do it. Hey, is that a quarter I see behind your ear?
Neato!

 

by dogman10
2-19-06
Man, I feel so awful. My wife has a box of assorted creams.
Man, I love assorted cream. There's chocolate, and vanilla, and strawberry, and cherry....
5 minutes later...
...and peanut butter, and caramel, and orange, and banana.
Timmy, that's not what I meant.
Oh, you'd be surprised, Mr. Davis. You'd be surprised.

 

by dogman10
2-19-06
come and get your....penis....rocket....enhhancement.. today!
Penis rocket, eh? That sounds like a good idea.
Are you Dr. Richalds? I'm here for my penis rocket.
Okey dokey! Just let me get my equipment ready.
Wait a second, why do you have a hacksaw? Where's my rocket?
Oh. You misunderstood. We cut off your penis and put it in a rocket. For scientific discoveries and such.

 

by dogman10
2-19-06
Ahh. Home to my computer. Another depressing day has past. I feel my pathetic exsistence is growin more troublesome every day.
How I long for the embrace of another. How I yearn for the touch of a lover to lighten my milquetoast life.
2 minutes later
FREE PORN?! I LOVE PORN! YAY! TITS AND PUSSY! OH YES!

 

by dogman10
2-19-06
Yo, magic man. Show me how you wasted that tool back there.
No way, Jose. A magician must never reveal his secrets.
Listen, homes. If you don't tell me, me and my gang are gonna fuck you up. Capeche?
Again*pulls out machete*, a magician must never reveal his secrets.
The secret is to never fuck with me.

 

by dogman10
2-19-06
Hey dad. Ineed some money to buy some gangsta clothing.
Okay, son. Here's three hundred dollars.
a week later...
Hey dad. I need money so I can buy some emo clothes.
I just gave you three hundred dollars a week ago. Oh well, easy come easy go. Here's three hundred dollars.
two weeks later...
Honey, I feel awful Our son killed himself.
I feel awful too. That little bastard took the tags off his new clothes so I can't return them. That's six hundered dollars down the shitter.

 

by dogman10
9-05-06
Animal Planet
Here we are off the coast of Australia, we'll be studing ocean life today. Here's a crickey fact. Coral is made out of dead fish.
Oh Crickey! I seem to have been stabbed in the heart by a stingray barb. I'm going to croc heaven. Crickey!!!!
Crickey!
This isn't croc heaven Mr. Irwin. It's croc HELL!! Theres 2,000 crocs here that want your blood. Oh yah your show is a piece of crickey sh**!
Hey this ain't croc heaven. Were the fu** am I? Fu**ing Crickey!!!!!

 

by dogman10
4-26-07
After School...
Mrs. A, I need some advice. A few days ago my penis was cut off in a "lawnmower accident"
Well, my problem is what the do with my cut off chode. Should I get it medically re attached or should I keep it as a "memento" Note: I'm not heterosexual. *Wink Wink*
ok?
So what should I do with my "milk giver"
Well I'd say keep it as a "memento" The demand of ham wallets in homosexual men these days is at an all time high. And by the looks of you, you aren't the dominant partner

 

by dogman10
10-09-07
HELP! I got my dick stuck in this hole in the wall! HELP me, I can feel the skin ripping off!!!!!!
30 minutes later...
Damm. My chode is gonna fall off. Well, at least I can sell it on ebay. Wow theres a lot more blood in my dick than I thought.
Don't worry. I'm a doctor. I can get your penis out of that hole... Wow that cock is hard. Just let me slick it up and it will come out like butter.
Hey. Your are not a doctor. Aren't you that guy who is wanted by the police for raping kids. You Fu**er I'm gonna beat the sh** out of you!!!
I'm sorry. I lied. But who gives a sh**. I know more about cocks than any doctor. I can just pass up a warm ripe cock that needs to be sucked. Please don't harm me. I'll do anything you want me to.

 

by dogman10
10-09-07
Hello Carlton. Your mother has asked me to give you a mental examination. She wonders if you are "right in the mind". Let me just show you a few pictures and tell me the first thing you think of.
My Name is not Carlton anymore! Its Cindy!! I'll take your fu**ing test. If that is what mother wants.
Ok here is the first picture. Tell me what you see.
I see a big cock ready to be sucked. With cum on the crisp on the outer edge. Nice pic Doc.
20 minutes later...
CARLTON! You are 43 and still live with your mother! For the last 20 minutes you have told me that all you have seen in these pictures are cocks.
Doc, it's not my fault. Your the one showing me dirty pictures.

 

by dogman10
10-10-07
Sir, How many I help you?
Yes, I would like to know if you sell extra-large condoms
Why yes we do sir. Would you like to buy some?
No thank you. But can I wait here until someone does?

 

by dogman10
10-10-07
On Christmas Eve...
Oh Sh**
Hello...Santa. What did you bring me this year?
Vibrating anal beads and child porn.
How did you know?

 

by dogman10
10-10-07
Hey man. I see you got some sh** in that syringe. Comon give me a poke.
Oh yes..... I got some "stuff" in this syringe. A lot of "good stuff".
Comon just one poke I'm asking. I haven't done any sh** for 2 days. I need some drugs to get me high.
Well if you insist. **stabs her in arm with syringe**
2 Minutes Later...
Aw man. I'm feelin dizzy. What was that sh** in that shot you gave me. **falls down**
Lots and lots of Roofies. **laughs**

 

by dogman10
10-11-07
Well Mr. Peterson, I have worked at this company for 5 years. I was wondering if I could have a promotion. I'm a hard worker who can get the job done.
Hmmm.... I think you are ready for a new promotion. But you have one last task to earn it.
So, I got to suck that to get the promotion??
Well you did say you were a hard worker. Besides how do you think Johnson became Internal Affairs Manager? This is the right way to go if you really want a promotion.
5 Minutes Later...
**Slurp..Slurp** How much longer? I've been sucking for a few minutes. Anyways I probably, have gotten an STD from your weird looking cock.
I thought you said you get the job done. I haven't even cum yet!

 

by dogman10
10-11-07
Mother, I'm going out tonight.
Ok be home by ten. Were having meatloaf tonight.
At the local Cemetary
Mmm. John Barnsworth. That sounds yummy. **starts digging**
20 Minutes Later...
Look at all those ripe bones. I've hit the jackpot. I guess these bones will be my new anal beads. **does unspeakable acts with the dead body**

 

by dogman10
10-11-07
Greg you are such a fag. You make me sick. I'm ashamed to call you my brother. You are 34 and still live with us. You don't even have a job.
Hey you little s**t don't call me a fag.
Your a fag. You have that boyfriend whos comes here every night. These walls are very thin you guys keep me up at night.
You mean Jim? Thats my friend from high school. Those noises you hear are.... us working on a project. Ya a "project" thats what we are doing.
Later that Night...
OH MY GOD!!! THAT HURTS SO GOOD!!! PUT THAT IN MY MOUTH!!! HARDER!!! HARDER!!! YES!!!
F**king Pillow Biter

 

by dogman10
10-11-07
Well, it looks to me like your guarding that briefcase with your life. What's in there anyway, a bomb?
Har, har, har. Of course not, its just a - OH FUCK, THEYRE COMING FOR ME!
That was at least partially my fault.

 

by dogman10
10-11-07
Yo dawg, you mad trippin. you a punk ass biatch, word
Hey, that is not nice.
you are a loser, fag
FUCK THIS, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! I DON'T EVEN FUCKING LIKE YOU! I ONLY HANG OUT WITH YOU TO KEEP UP APPEAREANCES! AND I'M SICK OF WEARING THESE STUPID CLOTHES!
Ahh, now i feel better.

 

by dogman10
10-11-07
Look Mark, I know you're a good guy, but your performance has been sliding. I can't have the entire department compensating for your mistakes.
Mr. Wilkins, I think you should "cut to the chase". Am I on the "chopping block?"
Come on, I'm only joking. I think I'm important to this company. I can get the job done, any way you "slice" it.
God I hate sitcom humor.

 

by dogman10
10-11-07
Somwhere in Nam, 67
Dammit you stupid little girl, SHUT UP. i'm gonna blow up your goddamn schoolhouse, that's how i roll.
No you musn't. This isn't right.
Too late now, I just pulled the pin on this sucker. Hot Potato! I'm outta here.
Oh well, do unto others. Bombs away!
An old friend's opinion
Damn, that felt good.
And yet everyone thinks I'm the bad guy.

 

by dogman10
10-13-07
Well, now that you're on national tv, what would you like to say about your people?
You have to understand Bob, the KKK is an organization with good intentions. We're doing good deeds all the time.
Like what?
We help little old white ladies cross the street.
We help little old black ladies cross the street too. We just take them half as far.

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