All comics by kimhartsfield

Profile

 

by kimhartsfield
10-02-06
I believe that we are all created equal and that, theologically speaking, we are all as one in the eyes of God and we should treat and respect one another as such.
No it aint
Crap, you got me.

 

by kimhartsfield
10-02-06
Well, I believe, philsophically speaking, that man is here to carry on a tradition of humanity that was established when God laid the foundation of humanity with the creation of Man by His love.
No it aint!
What the fuck did you say?

 

by kimhartsfield
10-03-06
Hey, ya know how women are like hurricanes? When they come, they are wet and wild. And when they go, they take your house! Huh! Huh!
My wife died two months ago. I miss her everyday, and cry every night.
Fag.

 

by kimhartsfield
10-03-06
So I was watching 'Survivor' last night and I said to my husband, Marv, I said "Marv, you should...
Excuse me, are you Jewish? I hate the fucking Jews.
Uh, no. Catholic actually.
Continue.

 

by kimhartsfield
10-03-06
Damn, you are phat, bitch!
What?! We just met and you call me 'fat' AND a 'bitch'?!?
Naw, naw. "Phat" is good. Its fly, baby. And "bitch" is slang for "lady". It ain't nuthin'. C'mon.
Public schools? I'm guessing 9th grade when you dropped out? That about right?

 

by kimhartsfield
10-03-06
Greetings! You have freed me and get one wish!
Wow! Uh, I wish I was a smooth ladies man, that could lie like a rug, but everyone would believe me. And I would never have to work again.
*BLING*
"I did not have sexual relations with that woman." FUCKING SWEET!

 

by kimhartsfield
10-03-06
Man, I love Tom Cruise! That guy is awesome!
Please stop.
I mean, "Top Gun", "Cocktail", "Days of Thunder", uh... did I say "Top Gun"?! Man, I love that guy.
C'mon dude, stop.
I... I'm sorry. You were saying?

 

by kimhartsfield
10-03-06
First day of college
Uh, Hi. Are you 'Nikomas'? I'm Jill. Guess we'll be roomies.
Life sucks, ya know.
Oooo, kay. Uh, you wanna go get some groceries? I waited until you got here so we could go together and stock up.
When people ask me my favorite color, I never say 'black' because black is all colors combined, and humans can never get along like colors.
Ya know, one of two things: You're parents are dead and this caused you to be this way OR I kill them. You're choice.
... I like yogurt. You ready?

 

by kimhartsfield
10-03-06
Bon jour, mon ami. I am from Paree. I believe your President is an idiot and the Iraq war is morally wrong. Do you disagree?
I'm sorry, I could barely understand you with that accent. What is that, German?
Sacre bleu! No, it is French.
YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT IT AINT GERMAN, FRENCHY! DON'T YOU FUCKING FORGET IT!!!!

 

by kimhartsfield
10-03-06
The 2nd Amendmant is shit, man. Guns are evil. I hate them.
So you would never carry a gun?
Oh, Great Mother, no! I hate them! They should all be taken away and burned!
So you would NEVER carry a gun? Ever?
No! I would.. uh...
Give me all your shit, hippy.

 

by kimhartsfield
10-04-06
Hello, welc... oh.. HELLO! WELCOME TO BURGER KING! CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING?!
I speak English. No need to yell, my friend.
MAYBE A HAM-BURG-ER AND A PEP-SI? SOME FRIES?
Uh, yeah a Whopper. And I speak English, dude.
I hate these damn ragheads! If you come here, at least learn the language! Jeesh.
YOU are the reason people join Al'Queda, dude.

 

by kimhartsfield
10-04-06
Hi, we lost our way. Could you tell us how to get to Harrisburg?
... pardon me, ma'am, but I have never spoke with a pretty 'outsider' before.
Oh wow! Thats neat. So, you have any questions about the outside?
Yes, actually. I have only had sex with other Amish. Can I see you naked?
What the hell. Here ya go.
Where is your penis, lady? Geez, you outsiders are weird.

 

by kimhartsfield
10-04-06
Oh man, how can I do this to here? :sigh: Guess I gotta do it.
Cindy? Can you come here? I have some bad news. I have to move. My stepdad got a job in Omaha. I'm sorry. You know, I'll never forget you. You were my first...
Please don't cry, my love.
Moo?

 

by kimhartsfield
10-04-06
Excuse me. Have you ever heard of Bob Philips? Mr. Philips is running for state representative from this area. I would like to tell you a few things about him...
Uh, OK, but..
Mr. Philips is a huge supporter of tax payer rights. His stance on the restaurant tax is in line with the majority of voters. He has been married for twelve years and has strong ties to the community.
You know you are dressed like a clown, right?
FUCK! I need a mirror and a believable wife! Sally you fucking slut!
I am TOTALLY voting for that guy.

 

by kimhartsfield
10-04-06
Eh, what's up Doc?
I fucking hate you.

 

by kimhartsfield
10-04-06
What the...
I am the King of all Faeries!
Richard Simmons?
I fucking KNEW you were going to say that!

 

by kimhartsfield
10-04-06
Good Evening. Our top story tonight: The School for the Deaf burns. Earlier today, lightning struck the school igniting a fire that has burned for hours.
Now to our correspondent on the scene at the Deaf School, Tom Brennan. OUT TO YOU TOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'M NOT DEAF, YOU MORON! And thanks, you made me shit my pants.

 

by kimhartsfield
10-04-06
Billy! Billy!
BILLY!!!
Who are you looking for?
Billy Ocean.

 

by kimhartsfield
10-04-06
Ahh, so. We meet again, young Master Po. Prepare yourself.
Grandmaster Li, I have learned much since we last met. I think it is you that should pre... Wait. I never knew you were black. Damn.
I'm gonna cut you motherfucker.
Ninja please.

 

by kimhartsfield
10-04-06
I don't know Sally. I cannot comprehend the ability of time travel. The 'Grandfather Paradox' alone makes it illogical at best.
True, Thomas, but many things we take for granted in 2006 were considered impossible just 50 years ago. Take, for example, the.. Shit! White people are coming!
Bitch, please. I will slap you upside the head! Now get down to 'Popeyes' and get me some chicken! And don't stop for some crack along the way this time!
Motherfucker, I will do as I puh-leeze! Sisters gotta stay strong! I ain't NOT gonna let some scrub like you... OK, they are gone.
OK. Now, Carl Sagan hypothosized that 'wormholes' may lead to other dimensions, but actual 'time travel' is, most proably, impossible.
Hmmm... maybe. Then again, maybe I'm gonna cut yo' ass when you sleep, Professor Watermelon.

 

by kimhartsfield
10-04-06
Hey.
Hey.
So... that Dane Cook is pretty funny.
I knew I fucking hated you for some reason.

 

by kimhartsfield
10-04-06
Hey! Neddy! How's it going, my man. Long time no see!
Jimmy, hey man. Uh, didn't you get sent to prison for raping that McConnel kid?
Well... Ned. I.. I was sick, you know. I been through a lot of classes and rehab for it.
Ahh.. well. So ass-raping me is TOTALLY out then?
Maybe... not.
Fucking howdy, lets go surfin'!

 

by kimhartsfield
10-04-06
Hey baby! I'm back from Memphis! I missed you alot. Heh, ya know what I mean. A LOT... So you wanna, you know...
Oh Barry. I'm on my period. I'm sorry.
Shit babe, God gave you three fuck-holes, not just the one!
Four actually.

 

by kimhartsfield
10-05-06
Ja, hello? I am please asking you if you know what might be mein (how you say) hotel, bitte?
Oh c'mon, can't you learn to speak English, dude. Thats just pathetic.
Atleast I versuchte, Ihre Sprache zu erlernen. Ich wettete, daß Sie nicht ein Wort des Deutschen sprechen. Ich sollte gehen aller Josef Mengele auf Ihrem Esel und Ihre fucking Testikel
What?
Uh, how you say, I like your shirt.
Oh, thank you. 'bout time you learned to speak.

 

by kimhartsfield
10-05-06
With all apologies to squidrabies, my favorite artist here. This is dedicated to him...
Hi! Welcome to The Tard Boy and Finkelman Show! I am Tard Boy and...
Whoa, whoa... YOU are Tard Boy!? I don't think so. I am Tard Boy!
Dude, look at your nose. Now look at mine. YOU are obvioulsy a 'Finkleman'.
Mazeltov!

 

by kimhartsfield
10-05-06
...hey
Jeez, Terry, you are the most somber person I know. Lighten up, man. You know any jokes?
Uh.. OK. Whats worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Heh heh, I don't know. What?
Your grandmother dying. Of AIDS. On your birthday.
I walked into THAT motherfucker.

 

by kimhartsfield
10-05-06
Ah... greetings my friend. Do you know if they serve saki here?
Hey.. hey... You wanna know what Japanese people use for a blindfold. Heh heh... dental floss!
Ahh, so funny. You wanna know what a smart-ass white man says when he gets the shit beat out of him?
Uh, what?
medic
MEDIC!

 

by kimhartsfield
10-05-06
I am Lord Krong, leader of the Imperial Forces of Stormwind!
And I be the Master Wizard, Xalibarious of Nokrin!
Together we shall vanquish the Eternal Dragon of The Painlands!
To Arms, Krong!
Aboard my mighty steed, Willowfax, I shall... Dude, is that yer mom?
Jesus Christ, mom! I'm LARPing here! LARPING!

 

by kimhartsfield
10-05-06
Oh, please no...
Hi, Robby! I'm Barky! How are you today?
Roy, I can see you. Its just a sock you colored and put some dots on for eyes.
Ha ha! Thats funny Robby! Would you like to go to the zoo today with me and my family?
I think I jerked off into your mom this morning, Barky. How ya like that?
She probably deserved it. Whore.

 

by kimhartsfield
10-05-06
How did it go with Sally last night, Doug?
Like shit. We had dinner, but she bailed on the way to the club.
Did she say anything?
Something about a prior commitment she forgot about. Strange thing though. We made out in the booth at the restaurant. She even grabbed my dick.
She grabbed your... Ahhh... You're tiny, aren't you. YEP!
I'm still a man, Ted. Or a woman with a huge clit maybe. Like Chyna.

 

by kimhartsfield
10-05-06
'ello? Do you speak French, madame?
No, I'm sorry. I don't.
Si je devais pleurer comme un bébé, de même que commun à mes personnes, vous me donneriez une fessée me donnez alors une bouteille ?
You know, I lied. You are ugly and I didn't want to talk to you, so I said I didn't speak French, but I do and THAT was disgusting.
I... I am sorry, my dear. I shall go.
Did I say 'No'?! Get in my fucking Stratus, Kermit!

 

by kimhartsfield
10-05-06
...yawn...
Dan, whats up man. You look tired.
Yeah, I couldn't sleep at all last night. I kept waking up like every two hours.
Oh yeah? You know what I do when I can't sleep? I wake up the wife and... you know.
Yeah, a little midnight sex makes you tired, huh.
Sex? No, no. A beer and a ham sandwich makes me sleepy. Somebody has to fix it.

 

by kimhartsfield
10-05-06
I don't know, Joey. I mean, I'm 28 years old and I'm playing XBox 360 in your moms spare bedroom. There's gotta be something else.
Uh huh...
A lot of my old friends have graduated college and have good jobs. Hell, Petey is married with a son!
Yeah, yeah..
And all I have is a dozen houses that I rent out to losers like your family.
You want me to get mom to blow you for the rent, or do I have to do it again this time?

 

by kimhartsfield
10-05-06
Awk-ward!

 

by kimhartsfield
10-05-06
They say the heart of rock and roll is still beating
And from what I've seen I believe 'em
Now the old boy may be barely breathing
But the heart of rock and roll, the heart of rock and roll is still beating
I LOVE Huey Lewis!
Who the fuck is Huey Lewis?

 

by kimhartsfield
10-05-06
Those infidels! How dare they speak about us Muslims that way!
What did they say?
They say we use violence as a way to solve all of our problems! We use violence as a way to get our way! Violence as a means to an end!
Hmmm...
I will KILL them! Kill them all for their words! I will slaughter their families in their sleep! Rape their whore women! We will issue a jihad and raze their cities! Death to the infidels!!!!
Yeah, way to live down that sterotype, Ahmed.

 

by kimhartsfield
10-06-06
Yeah, Mandy, I believe John Kerry would be a much better president than King George.
You know how much the rest of the world hates us now, Mick? We are an international leper now.
Yeah, I know.
His policies are almost comical. I mean, if it weren't so sad, I'd laugh.
Mandy... I have to say... fucking Muslim men scare the shit out of me and I would piss myself if I had to sit beside one on a plane.
Well, duh.

 

by kimhartsfield
10-06-06
Hell, I don't care what nobody says. I don't like Jews. I don't like Mexicans. And I don't like black folks.
Dude, what the fuck kinda attitude is that?! Where the hell do you live?
North Dakota
Oh, OK. Nevermind then.

 

by kimhartsfield
10-06-06
Oh man, I just flew through Atlanta! That airport is crazy. And Coke is everywhere in that place.
Yeah, the Coca-Cola company is based in Atlanta.
Yeah, tell me about it!. Trying to buy a Pepsi in Atlanta is like trying to get a swastika tattoo in Auschwitz!
Good Lord! I can't belive you just said that!
I...I'm sorry, you're right. I'm sure if a Jewish person heard that, they would be pretty offended. My bad.
the Jews? Fuck that! Do you know BIG Coke is, man!

 

by kimhartsfield
10-06-06
I don't know, Juan. American food is great. Look no further than the simple hamburger. Known world wide as great American fare.
True, my friend. But Mexico has such rich tradition. We gave the world tacos, burritos... Delicious.
OK, ok... what about great PEOPLE. Sam Walton created Wal-Mart and it is a world-wide success. He was a just an old business man in Arkansas.
True. But America also gave the world Paris Hilton.
Yeah, well.. but.. uh
Victory is mine!

 

by kimhartsfield
10-06-06
OK, Mrs. Clausen... Let me just look over this application. Oh, you made a mistake. You listed your race as 'African-American'.
No, no. My mother was born in South Africa, so thats accurate.
Oh, no Mrs. Clausen. African-American doesn't actual MEAN you were from Africa, it means you are black.
So, YOU are African-American and I'm guessing you can't even trace any ancestors to Africa. Is that right?
Exactly. Now, you left religion blank. That would be...?
My parents are Catholic, as are my grandparents. I grew up Catholic. So I guess I'm gonna say... Jewish?

 

by kimhartsfield
1-12-10
Hey Bill! Who's the man?!
Bingo bango, Gary! Right back at ya.
Did you see that game last...
You're so fucking hot. I want to lick your scrotum. Seriously.
I gotta tell Linda this. She has tatsed the Garyscrote.
Hey Mike! I told Gary I wanted to lick his scrotum! Ha ha, fag!

 

by kimhartsfield
1-12-10
Tom and Phil didn't like one another...
I don't care for you, Phil.
I don't like you either, Tom.
If you had stopped reading when I told you they didn't like one another in the first panel, you could be looking at porn now. Dumbass.

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