All comics by pamelayschimm

 

by pamelayschimm
12-13-06
Boy, was I naive...
...Blown to bits in this stinking shithole all because of some fascist redneck and his greedy oil buddies...
...and I can't even afford a Fucking car!

 

by pamelayschimm
12-14-06
Welcome to the... OINK... Zero Tolerance Network. All... OINK... cops, all the time!
Watch as these brave... OINK... officers selflessly risk their very lives trampling the... OINK... Constitution and Bill of Rights in the pursuit of the perfect... OINK... utopian society.
Be sure to tune in tomorrow for our... OINK... holiday special, land of the... OINK... Free!

 

by pamelayschimm
12-14-06
After a lifetime of oppression, our heroine decides to leave her war-torn, poverty-stricken, disease-ridden homeland and start a new life.
I will go to America.
Adrift for weeks in freezing, shark infested waters, clinging desperately to her leaky inner tube, beyond the limits of human endurance, she washes up on the golden shore of the American Dream.
At Last!
Unfortunately, not the one depicted by the flag-waving, corporate-owned mainstream media.
The sweat shops are that way.
Sigh

 

by pamelayschimm
12-14-06
No, it's not Jesus, just an average person...
I heard about this happening to people centuries ago...
... who exhibited signs of individuality and free thinking and found himself in...
... but I never thought it could happen HERE, not in THIS day and age, not to ME!
THE TWILIGHT ZONE!
All I did was advocate the use of hemp as an alternative to fossil fuels.

 

by pamelayschimm
12-14-06
A TYPICAL AFTERNOON...
WE INTERRUPT OUR USUAL MINDLESS DRIVEL WITH THIS LATE-BREAKING STORY... SCREEN IDOLS BRICK STONE AND FANNY FLUFF...
HOURS LATER...
... SCREEN IDOLS BRICK STONE AND FANNY FLUFF HAVE ANNOUNCED PLANS TO ADOPT A MARTIAN BABY. "IT'S NOT ABOUT THE PUBLICITY" SAYS A SOURCE CLOSE TO THE COUPLE...
DAYS LATER...
...BLAH, BLAH, BLAH... AND NASA HAS VOLUNTEERED TO BLAH, BLAH, BLAH... ONCE AGAIN, SCREEN IDOLS...

 

by pamelayschimm
12-14-06
I wonder if I need some useless plastic crap?
Come on down to MALL-WART! Our prices are so low, we're practically paying you!
GIMME... BITCH.....OUCH
I guess not.

 

by pamelayschimm
12-16-06
In this week's poll, 99.8% of Americans insist President Bush should have his head pulled from his ass.
Whoa! That extraction took a lot out of me... nurse could you finish closing this one up for me?
Lazy, over paid prick !
It's not fair Dick we had two more years left.
Good thing I was out of town on that hunting trip... that looks pain ful.

 

by pamelayschimm
12-20-06
How is the patient, Doctor?
Just fine. I've scheduled surgery for this afternoon.
Surgery? But she only came in for a checkup.
I know, but her insurance does'nt cover that.
This is highly unethical! You'll be sued for malpractice!
No Problem! MY insurance covers THAT!

 

by pamelayschimm
12-21-06
InvescoField at Mile High Stadium and Coors Light welcome all you Football fans. Ladies and Gentlemen please stand for The National Anthem.
Welcome! To beautiful Ford Field down town Detroit. Guys and Gals get ready for the fastest growing Motor sport in years... It's Monster Jam!
Please form 2 lines as we begin our Red, White, and Blue tour, Welcome to the Halliburton, AOL/Time Warner, AT&T, General Electric, News Corp. Viacom, Walt Disney, Sony...

 

by pamelayschimm
12-22-06
IF YOU'RE A CELEBRITY...
... So you have no idea how that pistol and bag of cocaine got in your trunk? That makes PERFECT SENSE! Good luck in the playoffs!
IF YOU'RE A POLITICIAN...
No need for a sobriety test, Senator. Those parked school buses just seem to come out of nowhere! Congratulations on your re-election!
IF YOU'RE A NOBODY...
ON YOUR KNEES, SCUMBAG! That joint in your ashtray is gonna get you some HARD TIME! I ought to shoot you now and save the taxpayers a lot of...

 

by pamelayschimm
12-23-06
WHY STORYBOOK CHARACTERS...
...Flying without a license... cruelty to an endangered species... contraband... say, have you been drinking?
NEVER VISIT...
...Kidnapping... theft... breaking and entering... your DNA is all over that greenhouse...
WISCONSIN.
Will Rudolph be able to post our bail?
No, they've got him under quarantine!

 

by pamelayschimm
12-23-06
So this is Christmas, And what have you done? Another year over. A new one just begun. And so this is Christmas...
I hope you have fun. Your near and your dear ones... the old and the young...
A very Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year...Let's hope it's a good one without any fear....
And so this is Christmas, for weak and for strong. The rich and the poor ones, have waited so long...
Merry Christmas! Bob the Janitor.

 

by pamelayschimm
12-30-06
Hey Buddy... wanna buy some drugs?
Why would I, when all I have to do is go to the nearest government-run "therapy" center, pretend I'm broke...
... spend fifteen minutes talking to some quack about how "depressed" I am...
and get all the FREE drugs I want, LEGALLY!

 

by pamelayschimm
1-09-07
1967
That's good news!
... new breakthroughs in cancer research, a cure is right around the corner. More funding is needed, however...
1987
Yeah, right.
... could have a cure by the end of the decade, but it's a question of money...
2007
COUGH, COUGH.
... billions that have been spent on state-of-the-art technology, it's just not enough. We need more ... more... more...

 

by pamelayschimm
1-10-07
KRAP NEWS...
...don't drink... don't smoke... buckle up... the government recommends... over to you, Judy...
... walk-a-thon ...quilting bee... tiddlywinks championships... back to you, Skip...
... the children... blah,blah... do... don't... do... don't... blah,blah...
That about wraps it up. Any final thoughts?
Keeping YOU informed!
Did you hear something about some ice caps melting somewhere?
It's news to me, Skip! Goodnight from KRAP.

 

by pamelayschimm
1-10-07
HELP! I'VE BEEN ROBBED!
HELP! I'VE BEEN RAPED!
HELP! I'VE BEEN SHOT!
MY GOD! WHERE ARE THE POLICE?
You were going 26 MPH in a 25 zone and you weren't wearing your seat belt. Those are SERIOUS CHARGES!

 

by pamelayschimm
1-10-07
What do you have to say about these allegations, Senator?
Well... er... uh... I have a drinking problem?
But aren't you supposed to set an example?
You see... um... that is... I was molested as a child?
Why were you allowed to let it all blow over in a REHAB CENTER when the average citizen would be facing PRISON?
Ah... hmm... no comment?

 

by pamelayschimm
1-11-07
KRAP NEWS...
...while casualties mount in the Middle Ea...
Hold on Skip! We're supposed to lead with this story on the mini-van recall.
What's wrong with them?
The UPHOLSTERY doesn't match!
Keeping YOU informed!
The HORROR! Millions of soccer moms could be humiliated!
We're not going to let that happen, Skip.

 

by pamelayschimm
1-17-07
Can you believe an over-the-hill athlete makes a MILLION bucks a WEEK just to kick a ball around?
Only in AMERICA!
Or that CEO who got a 200 million dollar BONUS for getting FIRED?
Only in AMERICA!
It looks like we'll have to go without food and electricity to pay for our prescription medication.
Only in america...

 

by pamelayschimm
1-17-07
The Postal Service has announced that from now on, all mail will be routed directly through the White House...
... Where the President himself will personally inspect each piece for terrorist threats.
I don't know about this mail scam, Sir.It could be dangerous!
Just open the ones that look like birthday cards, Dick. A lot of people still send CASH!

 

by pamelayschimm
1-18-07
The Grand Opening of yet another...
What was the main factor in choosing this location?
It was a CONDEMNED EYESORE! The local government sto... er, "liberated" it from the owner and gave it to us TAX FREE!
...Supermegaduperzeroqualityonesizefitsall...
Doesn't that go against everything you claim to stand for?
Not if you see the BIG PICTURE! That forest was emitting poisonous gases and harboring dangerous wild animals!
...shopping obscenity.
SAVING BY PAVING! A heroic concept, indeed!
Just doing our part.

 

by pamelayschimm
1-21-07
One afternoon...
Here's the pitch... STRIKE ONE! We'll be right back after these messages...
I might as well run to the store.
Half an hour later...
STRIKE TWO! Now for this important announcement...
The car could use a wash.
Another 30 minutes...
STRIKE THREE! Have you driven a FORD lately...
Why bother airing the game at all... I don't even remember who's playing.

 

by pamelayschimm
1-30-07
... Dogmatic... Bitter... Slanderous... These reviews are SCATHING!
Then I must be doing something right.
It doesn't bother you?
On the contrary... It only proves the point I'm trying to make...
... Without those kind of people, I'd have no INSPIRATION!

 

by pamelayschimm
1-30-07
KRAP NEWS...
A recent poll shows that 97% of the people feel we spend too much time kissing the a... er, covering celebrities...
... But we disagree! Celebrities are much more important than genocide... starvation... death...
... If you've seen one bombed- out city, you've seen 'em all! Besides...
... Without celebrities, how would we gauge the meaninglessness and insignificance of our own lives? So...
...Keeping YOU informed!
As long as WE control the airwaves and the sheep... er, people keep tuning in, our motto is...
... Don't worry, be happy!

 

by pamelayschimm
1-31-07
THE WAR ON DRUGS...
Your men gunned down an innocent elderly couple and torched the whole block... Any comment?
Shit happens. It's not OUR fault we had the wrong address. Besides, how do we KNOW they were innocent?
Well, one was in a wheelchair and the other was bedridden.
That could've been their COVER! These drug dealers are tricky. We don't have time for FACTS! We REACT!
So you feel you were completely justified?
ABSOLUTELY! We were only doing our job because that's what the people WANT!

 

by pamelayschimm
1-31-07
In the cesspool of incompetence and corruption known as the legal system...
Since you can't afford a REAL lawyer, I've been appointed to represent you.
Sort of like putting a peewee team against the New York Yankees.
... an extremely dangerous creature lurks at the very bottom...
You're charged with a misdemeanor, but there's no evidence, so I'll easily get it raised to a felony.
How about TWO felonies, just for good measure?
... THE PUBLIC DEFENDER!
The DA is recommending 30 days, but I can convince the judge to give you 5 years.
Why not place me on the GRASSY KNOLL? I wasn't even born yet, but I'm sure you can get me convicted.

 

by pamelayschimm
2-08-07
The doctor will see you shortly. You're experiencing erectile dysfunction?
Yes, I've completely lost interest in sex and it's affecting my marriage.
I'm writing you a prescription for "STA-HARD"... It's 100% GUARANTEED!
You obviously haven't seen my WIFE!
There may be side effects. If your erection last longer than four hours, call me immediately.
If I keep it up THAT long, SHE'LL be the one needing a doctor!

 

by pamelayschimm
2-08-07
I see you're here for a follow-up. How did the STA-HARD work?
GIRDERS 'R' US, BABY! How about a... drool... drink later?
I told you that stuff WORKS! I assume everything is fine?
Except for the divorce, paternity suits, questioning of my sexual identity and animal abuse charges.
What HAPPENED? I thought you wanted to please your wife!
She WAS! So was her sister, the sorority, my neighbor, his french poodle... You look REALLY HOT in that smock... drool...

 

by pamelayschimm
2-24-07
Anything to report from your recon mission?
This planet is doomed. There's a malignant growth spreading over everything and smothering all life.
What do you make of it ?
Parasitic... cannibalistic... it's only purpose for existence seems to be TO FEED!
Were you able to establish communication?
Briefly, before it mindlessly ATTACKED me! It called itself HUMAN.

 

by pamelayschimm
2-24-07
Would they make a good food source?
Not unless we want to end up on the endangered species list... Too many diseases!
How about fuel?
They're full of toxic chemicals. It would cause universal warming!
Not even good for fertilizer, eh?
Possibly the most USELESS life form we've ever encountered!

 

by pamelayschimm
2-25-07
KRAP NEWS...
This just in... Britney has SHAVED HER HEAD!
And gotten TATTOOED!
First going without underwear... now THIS!
Poor, poor Britney.
... keeping YOU informed!
The press is going to have a FIELD DAY!
Thankfully, WE'RE ABOVE all that! Could we run that crotch footage one more time?

 

by pamelayschimm
2-25-07
KRAP NEWS...
Coming up... A SPECIAL REPORT on Britney's head and what it all means...
... We've consulted some leading psychiatrists in an attempt to clarify...
She might be reinventing herself...
... or possibly deconstructing herself.
Keeping YOU informed!
Could it be a cry for help?
Or could it be just another FILTHY RICH, SPOILED ROTTEN BIMBO starving for attention?

 

by pamelayschimm
3-26-08
Remember when the "establishment"...
This is going to cost you BIG TIME!
...consisted of seperate but equal entities...
This is going to cost you BIG TIME!
...serving the commom good?
This is going to cost you BIG TIME!
It already has.

 

by pamelayschimm
3-29-08
EVERYONE out there is an ENEMY OF THE STATE...we MUST STOP THEM by ANY MEANS NECESSARY!
That guy across the street looks suspicious.
He's one of the most DANGEROUS criminals around...his atrocities against humanity are UNSPEAKABLE!
Should we bust him?
Nah, he's a lawyer...he's on OUR side!

 

by pamelayschimm
3-29-08
You go to that drug house and shake 'em down, while I call for backup.
RIGHT!
Should I book the stuff into evidence?
No, that's for the Captain's surprise birthday party...
...the backup is for that punk SKATEBOARDING on a PUBLIC SIDEWALK!

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