All comics by tau926

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by tau926
11-17-03
Excuse me, but you and your friends are blocking the hall.
Yeah? And?
Well I just thought it was common sense not to have a conversation in the middle of a busy hallway and being in college you all might have learned that by now.
But the spot at the top of the stairway was taken. Oh, my cell is ringing!
The spot at the top of the stairs? At least I could push them down. Make-up, blood. That would jazz those stairs up reeeeeeal nice...
Hello?.....GET OUT!!!.....Are you serious?.....SHUT UP!!!!!......Oh, my god!! tee heee heee

 

by tau926
11-17-03
Alright class, today we are going to learn about legitimacy. When a ruler is said to be legitimate he is perceived by the people as having the right to rule.
In the case of many governments in the past, legitimacy was based on one's bloodline and if one was of noble blood.
We can see this in today's terminology. After all, what do we call a child born out of wedlock?
A bastard?

 

by tau926
11-17-03
Me with my inner Kung Fu master. The one who teaches me right from wrong and says that I would be really awesome if I could do some sort of flying kick.
What should I do, Master? College has me feeling so hostile. The other day I had a 5-minute, between-classes fantasy of pushing a girl down the steps.
You must learn patience and inner calm, child. Do not let the idiocies of others mar your inner sanctuary with aggression.
But wait, aren't you the personification of my inner sanctuary? My superego?
Yes, and I can tell you first hand that you're letting too much aggression through. Remember that crazy dream you had last night? That was me kicking your Id's ass.
That was a sweet flying kick you landed on her.
I know, wasn't it?

 

by tau926
11-17-03
The things we come up with when low on sleep.
Haha, you only have a dimple on the right side of your face!
Hehehe, it balances out my appendix.
....I wonder if there is a condition in which a baby is born with its appendix wrapped around its heart?
I bet it would be called 'Coronary Appendicitis'!
After laughing hysterically for a few minutes....
.....We should never wake up this early again. Agreed?
Agreed.

 

by tau926
11-17-03
Sweet, Peter Frampton is on the radio.
I can't stand Peter Frampton. He's a lecher.
What?! What makes you say that?
I had a dream I was his manager once, and he was all over me. Through the whole dream I was yelling, "Get away from me Peter Frampton!" I'm telling you, he's a lecher.
I love you hon. But you're insane.
Do you feel like I do?

 

by tau926
11-17-03
Hello there miss. I have come to bring you the words of Jesus our savior and caution you of the evil Satan, the devil.
But I thought House Majority Leader Tom DeLay was the devil?
Oh, no, miss!! Tom DeLay is a fine upstanding young Congressman. I am proud to have him representing us.
You're really here to cut out my heart and use it in some pagan ritual to go back in time and kill FDR before he starts the New Deal, aren't you?
Damn it!!!! Another one caught on!!!!

 

by tau926
11-17-03
Hey, I sit in front of you in class. I was kinda wondering if you could stop putting your feet on the back of my chair. You've been kicking me alot.
But I need a place to rest my feet. If I don't have them up the blood will pool in them and make them swell and get all ugly.
Well, that's all fine and dandy I suppose, but I think you can find a better spot to rest them than my ass.
But it's so soft and cushy and I really don't want to get bruises on my heels from the chair.
You really don't even understand what you're saying, do you?
Thinking of what I'm saying makes my head swell and then I can't wear my rhinestone-studded ball cap from the Gap.

 

by tau926
11-18-03
Some girl at school today told me that my ass is soft and cushy.
She's right. It's where I sleep sometimes when you're not talking to me. It's nice and warm and comfy.
That's sick. And besides, you're a figment of my imagination. You don't exist when I'm not talking to you.
Sure I do, you're just not aware of me because I'm not running around in your head.
Because you're sleeping in my ass?
Yes, but now that you put it that way I think I'll find somewhere else to sleep. That's sick.

 

by tau926
11-18-03
AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! What is that thing!!!??
Hi, my name is Jerry. I mutated from something stuck to one of your socks in that dirty clothes pile in your room. And I'm pretty hungry, so I think I'm going to eat ya.
Oh, that's a relief.
A relief? I just said I was going to eat you!
Yeah, but at first I thought I was stuck in some sort of hentai cartoon.
Hey now!!! What kind of monster do you think I am!!!??

 

by tau926
11-19-03
When we last left off...
So.....I think we need to have a serious discussion.
About what?
About you not eating me.
But I'm really, really hungry and you look like you would make a great rump roast.
OH JESUS F'ING CHRIST!!!!! MY ASS IS NOT THAT BIG!!!!!!
Did I hit a nerve, Ms. Mix-a-lot?

 

by tau926
11-19-03
God, are you there?
Go away kid, I'm resting. I've had a rough day.
But I have a very important question I need to ask of you.
Alright, what is it?
Do you really kill a kitten everytime someone masturbates?
Why do you think I gave cats nine lives? They almost went extinct.

 

by tau926
11-19-03
Go away. I'm mad at you.
Mad at me? Why? I use you for hours each day. And I give you cool games and software don't I?
But you gave me XP Home Edition!!!! I'm the laughing stock of all the other computers!!!! I want XP Pro!!!!!! It's not fair!!!! I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!
Hey now! At least you're not in some computer illeterate's home or, even worse, a business!
I didn't ask to be manufactured!!!!!!! I should just fry my motherboard!!!! You don't love me anyway!!!!!
That's it mister!! You're grounded!! Virus scanning, optimization, and defragmentation for a week! And no games until you clean up that attitude!!!!

 

by tau926
11-19-03
Have you become sociable yet?
You do realize that in the last comic you made you misspelled "illiterate" don't you?
Yes.
You do see the humor in that don't you?
See the humor- yes. Feel the humor- no.
Hehehehehehe...

 

by tau926
11-20-03
Hello class. I'm done grading your papers and I've given everyone an F. Staples must be horizontal!
In the real world no one will accept a paper stapled diagonally in the corner.
Aren't you getting paid to teach us what to do in the real world? Isn't that the whole point of college. You should have told us about the staples before.
Yes, I should have. But I'm tenured and I can do what I want. In fact I'm sleepy. I'm going to take a nap while you all write a 20 page paper about leprechauns.
Like they say, you get what you pay for.

 

by tau926
11-20-03
For my psychology project, I decided to countercondition my boyfriend's fear of Cher. To do this, I used the technique known as 'flooding.'
After 9 hours of being forced to watch the movie "Mermaids" and listen to songs such as "Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves" the subject showed signs of distress and eventually passed out.
Two days later, the subject is still in a comatose state and shows no signs of waking. However, when shown a picture of Cher the subject did not behave fearfully. I consider this project a success.
....I'm concerned about the ethics of this experiment....

 

by tau926
11-20-03
I wonder if Paul McCartney's wife took her wooden leg off when she was in labor?
That's not very nice to wonder about. You would yell at me if I said that.
Hey! Maybe I have a wooden leg! Maybe I'm allowed to talk about stuff like that!
Oh? You have a wooden leg, huh? And just what do you do with this wooden leg.
I keep it around for kicks.
....My brain is in turmoil over how to respond to that.

 

by tau926
11-20-03
I would like to show my appreciation to everyone who has expressed an interest in my comics. And knowing that many people frequent this site, I shall do so trilingually! So here it goes! -English
Thanks for the support everyone! I'm happy to know that you are getting enjoyment out of my comics and I will try to keep up the good work. Rest assured, if my character could smile, she would be.
-Engrish
To be of a happy!!! Way!!! Everyone get a laugh. It is for all the peopies. Wishing of smile to be. Let's all get along with Tau. You need to dress a cat.
-The Cheatish
Frumma frumma....meh farooma meh. Murphfra froo moo. Uuma meh. Beh ref fref.

 

by tau926
11-21-03
Did you ever notice that there's no Betty Rubble vitamins in Flintstones Vitamins.
Hmmmm....Yeah, you're right.
It's because they didn't think the kids liked Betty as much and wouldn't eat a vitamin shaped like her.
Heh heh. Who wouldn't want to eat Betty Rubble?
Don't you remember who played Betty Rubble in the movie?
Oh Jesus, I think I'm going to be sick...

 

by tau926
11-22-03
What do you want?
I'm going to finally make that webpage today.
HAHAHHAHAHA!!! Who wants to look at a webpage about you?
I do...and, uh, maybe some of my friends do.
Don't put a counter on it. That will be too pathetic.
Shut the hell up. My kind made you. We can break you.

 

by tau926
11-22-03
What floor are you going to?
Four, please.
Um...you're in my class right? Isn't the professor such an idiot? Ha ha ha!
Yeah, he is! Hee hee hee. Well, see you in class!
Bitch.
Bitch.

 

by tau926
11-22-03
I'm having a problem with my computer.
Get your boyfriend to fix it. He's better with that stuff than you are.
No, it's not broken or anything, it's just acting like a bitchy little teenager.
Is it...GROUNDED? HAHAHA HAHAHA!!!!!! .... wooo...hooo That was funny.
No, it wasn't.
Leave me alone!! It's just about the best I can do being part of YOUR imagination.

 

by tau926
11-22-03
I think my Kung Fu Master has a complex because he's not funny.
What makes you think that.
I told him his joke wasn't funny and he snapped at me.
Well tell him to stop SHAOLIN about it!!!! HAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!
Jesus save me....
Hee hee hee ha ha... Oh man that was funny. I almost had head crash I was laughing so hard...

 

by tau926
11-22-03
So what would you like for Christmas, little boy?
A blet sander!
What would you like for christmas, little girl?
Matches!
What would you like for christmas, little being?
A redneck that squeals like a pig when you pull the string!

 

by tau926
11-24-03
FYI- I live in Pennsylvania.
Wow, this weather we've been having is crazy. It's practically the end of November and it was like 60 degrees today.
I know! It makes you wonder if maybe the Earth started turning the backwards and we're going into summer again.
No, I'm pretty sure that would result in a horrendous disaster. Floods, earthquakes and the like. We'd probably all die.
......................

 

by tau926
11-24-03
So lately I've been going to my classes and alot of the time someone is sitting in my seat. I've been sitting in the same place all semester and now someone else is sitting in my seat.
Because of this, I have to find another seat, and then the person that sits there has to find another seat, and so on, and so on until the whole class is messed up.
And these people seem to sit in a different spot every class. You have to wonder why they can't sit in the same place like everyone else.
OK, now which seat will give the best lighting for my hair?

 

by tau926
11-26-03
Oh computer! I can't think of anything to make a comic about!! I'm feeling so....non-creative!
What do you expect? You're only a human.
Only a human? What are you talking about? Humans are more creative than computers. You certainly aren't creative.
But I could be. All I'd have to do is open up some paint program, use a random number generator to make random splotchs of color, sign some illegible signature, and pass it off as human-made.
....... That's sad.
Sad because you know it would work, right?

 

by tau926
11-30-03
Alright computer, time for some new software!
...Is this software legal?
Yes, it's legal.
Good, because I don't want those copyrighteous goons disassembling me or anything.
Don't worry, I'd disassemble you myself before that happened. You, my friend, are incriminating evidence.
.....Traitorous pirating bitch.

 

by tau926
12-04-03
Hey computer, I'm studying for finals and can't make a comic. Can you make one for me with that random number generator?
Sure! Not a problem. : )
Appearing on the screen...
Duh....my name is Tau and I'm a bitch! I think I'm all smart because I study politics and haven't been prosecuted by the RIAA!!! duh....
Hello Tau. Welcome to Hell.
Hey!! I don't think that was very random!!!
Of course it was!! I mean, it's obviously not you! Your ass is bigger in real life.

 

by tau926
12-08-03
FYI: A grey background is my way of indicating that this conversation took place over the net.
Heya Snow!
Wow, Courtney Edwards just offered me Viagra. I'm so glad I check my email.
How is Courtney? I haven't heard from her since I stopped using Hotmail. I hope she finally realizes that I don't have a penis and therefore am not interested in Viagra.
Hehe, you could grow one....In a jar.
That would be cool! Then I could just use it when I needed it! Like when I wanted to screw a girl or pee on the side of the road, but I wouldn't have the hassel of having it all the time.
Tau...this is by far the weirdest conversation we have ever had...

 

by tau926
12-09-03
...............
Hey...uh, you don't really want to screw girls do you?
No, of course not. That was just my comedic genius talking.
Ok, just checking.
But peeing on the side of the road might be nice...

 

by tau926
12-10-03
While listening to Alanis Morisette's "Uninvited"
...Must be, strangely exciting....to watch the stoic squirrel....Must be....
Did you just sing "stoic squirrel"?
Huh? Yeah, that's what she sings in the song.
Um....no.....It's squirm, not squirrel.
That did always bring a funny picture into my head.

 

by tau926
12-10-03
This time it's "Zephyr" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers
....Fly away on my cell phone....
......
What?
......
WHAT?!!!
I wasn't even going to correct this one, but for the benefit of those who don't know the song, the words are "fly away on my zephyr."

 

by tau926
2-11-04
Wow! Your sculpture is coming along really well. I bet it's going to be one of the best in the class. The nose is perfect. You should show the teacher.
You think so?
Hmmmm..... Maybe you should start over again.
What? I thought it was good...
No, it's trash... Especially the nose.

 

by tau926
2-27-04
Yeah, I think we should break up. But I really want to still be friends.
Well, ok. If that's what you think you want. Just as long as we're still friends.
1 week later...
Hey, you've hardly talked to me at all this week.
Yeah, I know. I'm sorry. I do still want to be friends though.
2 weeks later...
You still haven't been talking to me. It's been three weeks now.
Yeah, I know. I'm sorry. I do still want to be friends though.

 

by tau926
3-30-04
Hey Jerry. What's happenin?
Not much. Just checking the room out for new filth.
You could try my desktop. There's alot of filth there.
Yeah, I know! I saw that picture of Shawn Michaels you have on your computer! I was quite shocked.
Actually I was talking about the filth on the top of my actual desk. And what are you doing using my computer?!
Forget I said anything.... I'm just going to check out the desk now....

 

by tau926
4-16-04
Hey, what do you think of my new wallpaper? Do I look good, or do I look good?
It's just a plaid pattern.
Yeah, I know. I'm going for the preppy look.
What? No way. I forbid it.
It's a little late for that. I already deleted all your geeky crap. I threw out all the games and mp3s and stuff. Oh, and all those Shawn Michaels pics too.
I'll be right back. I'm going to take off my shoes and shuffle around on the carpet a bit...

 

by tau926
4-16-04
Ahhh...I'm going to lose the game!!...No!! FUCKING!!!!.....
....Fucking? That's it? Just fucking? Not fucking bastard or fucking game, just fucking?
Just fucking. It was all I could think of in the heat of the moment.
You're part Italian and you were born in New York, and the best curse you can come up with is "fucking"?
Cut me some slack! Besides, aren't you a preppy now? Shouldn't you stop swearing?
Huh? Well I... Uhhh............ .........Oh Fuck you!

 

by tau926
5-12-04
Hey computer. What do you know about butterflies?
Butterflies? I have the whole internet at my disposal. I have better things to do with it than look up butterflies. Why?
Well, I saw two butterflies today. They were just kinda flying along and playing...
Yeah? So?
Well I was just wondering, how do we know they're playing? I mean they look so cute, everything they do probably looks like playing. Maybe its really the mother of all butterfly battles!
It must be so sad for you... Being just a silly human...

 

by tau926
5-25-04
Sign me onto the internet. I want to have a little talk with it.
Uh...ok..... I'll dial now.
Internet? Can you hear me? I have something I want to say to you. So here goes.... I'm tired of your shit!! Stop eating my life away!!
I have enough problems right now, without some ethereal technological vampire draining away my soul!!! SO FUCK YOU INTERNET!!!
{Remote computer failed to respond. Redialing automatically in 30 seconds.}

 

by tau926
6-04-04
Er...Hi. What are you doing out of my head?
I had to move out. It was too crowded in there. Your ego is getting too big.
Well, I mean there's nothing wrong with a little ego boost, is there?
There is when it makes me homeless, you stupid, insipid, blundering, droplet of cow snot.
............
Ok, that should do it. I'll be moving back in now.

 

by tau926
8-26-04
Hello Tau.
Who the hell are you? You're not some pervy flasher are you? I'd suggest you keep that coat closed if you value your bits and pieces.
What?...NO!! I'm a secret agent. I've been sent to find you, the best minesweeper expert there is, for a secret mission.
Oh fuck yes! My life is finally falling into place! My greatest dream has been realized!
Hey... HEY! You told me to wake you up at 9. So wake up, bum.
Huh? .... No!!!! No fair! I want to go back to sleep! I'll take the mission! Wah!!!!!!!!

 

by tau926
8-27-04
For some reason, that not even I, myself, am aware of. I volunteered to help my sister at her church's bible school. ???? Anyway, this is me talking to the blind kid in our group.
What are you doing?
I'm just hanging out here with eveyone. Helping to keep an eye on all you kids.
You're a nerd.
No, I'm not. I am not a nerd.
So, I'm just curious... do you think lying to a blind kid might qualify a person for eternal burning in Hell?....Theoretically speaking of course....

 

by tau926
8-27-04
I really really like this Naruto manga you showed me!
Isn't it great! I especially like Kakashi! He's my favorite! He may be a cartoon, but I like him more than I like most humans.... (silence)
..........
..........
Don't worry. I won't tell anyone how strange you are.
Thanks. I appreciate it.

 

by tau926
9-05-04
Hey! Look at that guy with the straps on his back! He's wearing his 'Bro' outside his clothes! Hahahaha!
Hahaha! Hey look! He's turning around!
.............
.............
.....I'm going to hell.....
Hey, that's not a Bro at all! That's the harness for his prosthetic arms! Bet you feel pretty silly, huh?

 

by tau926
7-20-05
Sooooooo..... You know its been like 30,000 years since you wrote a new comic, right?
It has not been 30,000 years. Its been 1 year. LESS than 1 year.
Close enough. So when are you going to do a new comic? You know I could do one if for you if you don't have the time. XD
As I recall, last time you made a comic for me I was in Hell and looked like a cow. Also, being a computer, can't you at least get the time right?
Oh! So you won't even let me make a comic but you want me to control the mysterious forces of time!!! What do you think I am?
OK, OK! You can do a comic! Just don't put me in it! And you better make it good or I'm getting a Mac. Everyone knows they're better for art....and far less snotty.

 

by tau926
7-20-05
Thursday Voice Over: It was a cold, dreary night. The kind filled with scents of fog and death. And on this night, I had a crime to solve.
Hello, my name's Thursday. Can I ask you some questions about the poor slob who was killed?
Oh, you must mean Toe. She was just another stupid broad at the wrong place at the wrong time.
Thursday VO: This guy knew something, I was certain of it. Now all I had to do was get the truth about that poor, sad, ugly, stupid, lumpy figure in the bodybag.
The wrong place at the wrong time? What do you mean?
Well, she picked this night to come to the bar. Sunday. Just an unfortunate day for her. Maybe if it was Monday she'd still be alive....
Thursday VO: This guy was beating around the bush like.... well, like somebody beats around a bush. I decided it was time to get him to the point, no matter what I had to do to get him there.
Could you get to the point please?
Oh, sure man no problem. Anyway, it's Sunday. Sunday with it's Fried Chicken Special. Toe came in and I guess the special looked good to her so....

 

by tau926
7-20-05
HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!!!! I can see where this is going! You were going to make me choke on a chicken bone!!!!
Hey, no fair!!! You spoiled the suprise for everyone!!! Gah, I hate you!!!
I thought I told you not to make a comic about me, you stupid machine! And what the hell is with the film noir?
It wasn't about you! It was about Toe, not Tau. Nothing alike. And the film noir is artsy. People will call me a genious!
A genious?? That was terrible!! Where the hell did you ever learn about film noir anyway?
From 'Whose Line is it Anyway'... Why?

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