All comics by tealsmith

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by tealsmith
11-28-03
Icey and Vectorman talk about gaming!
I think Driver 3 is gonna rock!!
Yeah and... why are you a goat?
Well, it's all part of my chaning face of deception. I USED to be cool, but ever sice the OPM incident I've been a glory hog bastard!
Please don't rape me...
So uh... what's that metal rod for?

 

by tealsmith
12-04-03
Teal learns that A-Cow has purchased an N-Gage
So, you actually went out and bought an N-Gage huh?
Yeah, but, you know, only to mock it's patheticness. Of course.
Of course. Well, before you play, there are some things that you might want to know.
Yeah? Like what?
Like the fact that it explodes if you don't put Nokia batteries in it.
DEAR GOD HELP ME, I'M ON FIRE!!!

 

by tealsmith
12-04-03
1cey tries to get Teal to let him review MGS3 and Half-Life 2
Can I please?
NO YOU CRAZY BASTARD, THEY'RE MINE!!!!
But I...
I JUST SAID NO GOD DAMN IT, THEY'RE MINE!!!
MINEMINEMINEMINEMINE!!!!

 

by tealsmith
12-05-03
Icey tries to reason Teal into letting him review a game
So Teal, may I review Driver 3?
I TOLD YOU ALREADY, NO YOU CRAZY FU...
PLEASE!?
Oh wait- Driver 3? Go ahead!
If you can get past the first mission that is!

 

by tealsmith
12-05-03
And in breaking news today, the video game industry was shook as Nokia's N-Gayge... sorry, N-GAGE, sold a unit.
One could only wonder how happy the two creators of the decrap... sorry, DEVICE, must feel.
Bahahahahahaha!
Nyahahahahaha!

 

by tealsmith
12-08-03
On the news...
And on tonight's gaming news, Konami has announced that they're holding a special preview of MGS3: Snake Eater ON THE MOON. Yeah, like any idiot's going to that one.
Meanwhile, A-Cow and Chee-Z talk...
Yeah, I thought about going but... SERIOUSLY, the moon, what kind of freakish fanboy would do THAT!?
Seriously, the price for a ticket alone must be... hey, where's Teal?
At the launch site...
It's a little small, isn't it?

 

by tealsmith
12-08-03
Whew, that was a tight fit, but we're finally here. So um... where's Hideo Kojima?
Bwahaha, there's no Hideo Kojima here you pathetic fanboy! Now, as our TNT rocket explodes leaving your corpse stranded, you will be the first to feel the wrath of THE FANBOY KILLER!!
The rockets explode as the masked geek explains...
With my Lunar Gear, I shall wipe out all ignorant fanboys, starting with you Teal Smith!
That's all great dude but you realize we're on the moon and you have no oxygen to breath with, right?
...fuck...

 

by tealsmith
12-14-03
Nokia employees discuss the 'success' of the N-Gage
So did you hear, the N-Gage has been called the 'Gigli' of the gaming world!
Ohhh man, this is so cool! That means they think it's hot and sexy like J-Lo!
Yes! And we're quite pleased with our sales in Europe- 500 whole units!
Let's see- according to my calculations that means in 20,000 years we'll have sold as much as XBOX! I'm sure the boss's will like this!
Bahahahahaha!
Nyahahahahahahahaha!

 

by tealsmith
12-19-03
Rockstar has picked up Red Dead Revolver for publishing.
So um.. yeah, we've made some slight changes to the gameplay.
Well I hope it's nothing too serious.
Well, you now play as a killer squirrel who hi-jacks cars and sleeps with hookers in his quest to kill pirates.
I see, is there anything from the original build left?
Uh.. sand.

 

by tealsmith
12-19-03
And I shall silenty go through the cave and eliminate the crack guards...
Hey, have any of you guys seen my tricycle?
And I shall overcome the hell hounds...
Woof
DIE HELL HOUND!
And...
Dude, I told you, if you want something to drink just go down the hall, no need for all that.
Quiet, this is the part where I take on your lawn sprinkler!

 

by tealsmith
12-20-03
So you see, your phone EXPLODED on me. The box didn't mention that.
Would you like a new one then? We have a bunch just lying around. My house is built out of N-Gages. This suitcase is full of them.
No you moron, I don't want another one! I want some kind of payment for almost being burnt to death!
A payment in N-Gages, our new national currency? 20 will buy you a Canadian dollar. Here, have another N-Gage...
I don't want a.. HOLY SHIT, I'M ON FIRE!!!!
I see. Does this mean you want another one?

 

by tealsmith
12-21-03
The local Wal-Mart storage room...
In the dead on night, I arrive to steal my copy of Kingdom Hearts!
Uh sir, were you planning to pay for that Kingdom Hearts copy? It's only $20.
What, how can you see me! I am a ninja master! Besides, I blew all my cash christmas shopping! Now, watch me dissapear!
Uh sir? You're still there.
WHAT!? Damn flash grenades, I knew I shouldn't have shopped at the dollar store!

 

by tealsmith
12-21-03
The Pentagon...
Sir, a fly buzzed into my soup!
What!? Call out the National Guard and change our status to Yellow 1 Niner Omega! NOW!!
And in today's top story America was put on Yellow 1 Niner Omega alert. What difference this is from Orange 2 Charlie we don't know.
Up to this point we've all wondered where these stupid names come from, but now we have exclusive footage from the White House to see how it's done.
So, it's your turn to draw from that hat Mr. Bush!
I got Alpha! We'll just put that right after 9567!

 

by tealsmith
12-22-03
YunaRulez is at 1up looking for friends...
H..hey, do you want to be my friend?
Don't touch me.
Do YOU want to be my friend?
No, please go away.
Would you pleas be my friend?
Hell n...Hey wait. Yeah, sure. Want an N-Gage?

 

by tealsmith
12-23-03
So, you've won 20 isketch games in a row?
Yeah um.. A-Cow isn't taking it too well.
I'm pretty sure he's over-reacting. Are you sure you didn't do anything else?
Well I ah... might have accidently broke his copy of Kingdom Hearts... So can you help?
No way man you're fucked.

 

by tealsmith
12-24-03
Icey needs a Christmas tree
Hey there, I'd um... like to buy a tree.
Yeah, sure, no problem. Any preferred type?
Well, it can't be too big because the room is a little small. I'm not all that great at shopping, I get confused...
I see... well, we've got some smaller trees...
Can a get s bigger tree if it comes in a smaller size?
...

 

by tealsmith
12-24-03
Teal:
Yes, my mail-order nuke arrived! Now all I need is a chair and I'm finished my custom Metal Gear!
Chee-Z:
YES, all 1,000,000 of the Sims expansions and a PC to play them on!
A-Cow:
Alright, my own chair, no more stool for me and... wait, I'm getting shafted, where the fuck is SOCOM 2!!?

 

by tealsmith
12-24-03
1cey:
A blowdrier! Santa actually exists!
FutbolFreak:
A T.V that plays nothing but The Lord of the Rings trilogy!
The_Vectorman
Joygasm in a can... OOOOOH YEAH!

 

by tealsmith
12-25-03
naptimevice:
Thanks for the new jacket dad but.. what do I do with these packets of white powder?
Just sell them son.
1nnervision:
A red phone!? What the hell is this shit!?
steven:
w3bst3r's dictinry? lol, wtff ist thi$ fur?

 

by tealsmith
12-27-03
Teal and A-Cow talking on MSN:
So yeah, I played SOCOM 2 online today. Wow. I know you can't play until your cousins are gone after New Years, but DAMN.
Bastard, couldn't wait for me eh?
Hell no you poor fool, I was a terrorist kicking all sorts of SEAL ass!
Hey um... do you know where your hostages are?
Haven't a fucking clue.
So yeah, it was awesome. And I haven't even mentioned all the kick ass weapons or the...
Shut up.

 

by tealsmith
12-27-03
A-Cow on Single Player SOCOM II
Able, Clear the area.
With all due respect sir, what are you talking about?
Able! Clear THE GODDAMN AREA!
Oh, Slicing the pie!
To be continued...
"Slicing the pie"? What does that even mean?
What? Able! STOP! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? No, don't climb the ladder!

 

by tealsmith
12-27-03
A-Cow battles the terrorists, and his own team...
Bravo, follow me.
Roger sir.
Area clear sir!
Alright, Bravo move to able. Fire team, regroup.
What the...NO!GODDAMN! DAMN LADDERS TO HELL!
WAH! *THUD* Man down! *Thud!* AH!... *THUD* Only a scratch. *BAM!* "Wardog killed by Sessarian smuggler. *THUD*

 

by tealsmith
12-27-03
After A-Cow's team dies due to the ignorant SAS bastads...
Saw you playing SOCOM. Can't order a Team around for the life of you, huh?
Hey, that's not fair. They were ignorant SAS bastads! Anyways, I wouldn't make fun if I were you.
Why? You gonna burn me with your pyrokenises? HAH! I'd like to see that! BWAHAHAHAHA!
...
Why, yes in fact. I might just do that.
DAER GOD! IT'S LIKE THE FIREY HELL OF AN N-GAGE! AHHHH!

 

by tealsmith
12-27-03
Day by day, the Army is fighting wars in far off countrys.
Giving thier lives, fighting for our freedom. However, one gentle man has the perfect plan...
Hah! You guys are stupid. They're going to be LOOKING for army men!

 

by tealsmith
12-28-03
A-Cow is still playing SOCOM II offline.
Hah! God, man! You're terrible at this! 50% stealth rating? Bah!
100% Team Work, 100% Mission completion, 89% accuracy. Let's see you do better smart ass.
Later...
Alright, this can't be too hard...Hmm, I see someone! I'll just crouch right over and--
INTRUDER! *BLAM* "Specter killed by Sesarian Smuggler"
You were two seconds in, you have 0% mission completion, 10% team work, and 2% accuracy. What were you saying about ME sucking?
Yeah, well I still got 80% stealth...shut up you.

 

by tealsmith
12-31-03
Hello fellow message-board posters, and welcome to the 2003 "What a Year" Awards, hosted by me, tealsmith, and soccerfreak!
It's FutbolFreak you tard.
Well hey, at least I spell my version of the word right! Anyways, after all those 'other awards', it's time to let the best and worst of 2003 shine!
That's right! For the next batch of strips we'll take you through the weird and wacky that was last year!
Dude, is it really neccecary for you to get all excited and raise your hands up?
Well sorry but it's the only other stance my character has!

 

by tealsmith
1-01-04
Most disappointing delay of the year: HALF-LIFE 2
I have studied the human mind greatly, and by causing this delay it will bring Earth to chaos!
Bwahahaha!
Game that's last word in the title desribes the development process: DUKE NUKEM FOREVER
Yeah so... how's the new Duke game coming?
Happy easta!
Game that got a billion delays but still sucked ass: TOMB RAIDER AND THE ANGEL OF TOTAL FUCKING BOREDOM
Seriously, were people actually expecting anything out of it?
Well I hear V-Man likes to stare at digital breasts so...

 

by tealsmith
1-01-04
Biggest Console flop of the year 2003: N-GAGE
Bahahahaha!
Nyahahahaha!
Best use of the N-Gage: SETTING A-COW ON FIRE
NOT AGAIN!
HA, that never ceases to amuse me!
Most annoying and Best use of the USB headset: SOCOM 2
"This is the song that never ends..."
Shut the hell up.

 

by tealsmith
1-01-04
Best movie of the year: RETURN OF THE KING
Yo, Frodo, what's the deal? You look a little weird.
Elijah Wood was fired due to lack of funds. I'm his replacement.
Most hyped but still boring as hell game: ICO
Seriously, what's so fun about controlling a horny boy and his dumb bitch? The OPM editors have joygasms over it!
Speaking of which...
Best made up word: JOYGASM
Vectorman comes up with Joygasm in a can! OH YEAH!

 

by tealsmith
1-01-04
Most under-rated OPM game: DRAGONBALL Z: BUDOKAI 2
Well let's see here- it isn't Soul Calibur 2... which means it gets 2.5!
Funniest thing on CNN: SADDAM HUSSEIN BEING CHECKED FOR LICE
So... let me get this straight- I may have C4 strapped under my vest but you're worried about lice?
We have priorities.
Best Army Men game: N/A
Holy shit, do you realize there were no Army Men games this year!?
You're right, 2003 WAS screwed up!

 

by tealsmith
1-01-04
And so ends another year, and with it we must once again look foward to the future!
You mean these dumb awards are over! Thank god, I'm outta here!
Yeah, OK, just leave me here. Thanks a lot. So, what does 2004 hold for us all you may ask? More great games, more stupid tealsmith comics?
How the hell am I supposed to know? Now get the fuck outta my room, I have to download a patch for Day of Defeat.
Fin

 

by tealsmith
1-01-04
A-Cow talks to TS about the awards.
Yeah, so how did you like the awards?
I liked them, they were funny. But why wasn't hosting them?
Yeah, well, most of the comics are just you and me. We needed something new, something fresh.
Yeah, I guess...I'm still kinda pissed that I keep getting set on fire.
Oh, hush up and have an N-Gage
DEAR GOD I'M ON FIRE!

 

by tealsmith
1-02-04
Those look like blue prints. What are you doing?
I'm going to break into the Disney Vault.
Um...Ok...may I ask why?
Well, it's disney. There have to be some plans for Kingdom Hearts 2 in there.
The bank was too heavily guarded wasn't it?
Yeah... But I have to break into something, don't I?

 

by tealsmith
1-02-04
So, you ate the cake?
Yeah. It was 1cey's going away party. I had to.
Yeah, I guess...it was moving though.
I heard mold devolops into a sentient being after a while. Where is it anyways?
Last time I check it was trying to attack my dog.
DIE! DIE! EVERY BODY DIE!

 

by tealsmith
1-02-04
So, why am I in jail again?
Vector, we've been through this! You genetically modified a women to have a... a...
Penis?
SHH! Yes! Now she wants it removed! How the hell did you do it!?
Let's just say she had one too many cans of joygasm.

 

by tealsmith
1-03-04
...and in today's headlines, video games are evil and kill people. Just watch this exclusive tape caught by C3 News.
FUCK!
Whoops, now how did that N-Gage get in there...
Obviously he's a victim of the mass-murder simulator, DOOM, and Grand Theft Auto. Both of these games FORCED his friend to light him on fire. Obviously.

 

by tealsmith
1-03-04
Well, you're recovering from the burn wounds nicely.
Thanks. I think I've built up an immunity to N-Gages.
Well, I hope not. That's, like our #1 gag. Maybe we should test this theory?
No, no. I don't think that will be necessary.
Nonsense! Here, have an N-Gage!
...I fucking hate you.

 

by tealsmith
1-11-04
Hey everyone. As some of you might know we're making an MGS club on 1up. Please join.
If you don't join, we'll be forced to infect the internet with a virus that will eliminate all porn.
This includes 1cey's old women porn.
So please, join. We really, REALLY don't want to do this.
Seriously, old women porn? What the hell is 1cey up to?
He's just had one too many cans of joygasm.

 

by tealsmith
1-16-04
Dude, have you ever had large conversations on MSN?
Yeah, it's crazy. Everyone talks at once so you have no idea what's going on.
No kidding, one time, I had a convo with 14 Japanese chicks. It was like a Cyber Jap orgy.
Did somebody say ORGY!?
Yes but... hey, what the hell are you oing in my room!? Get the fuck out!!
Well jeeeeeez, not my fault if my internal systems respond to certain dirty words. Dirty... oooooh, yeah!

 

by tealsmith
1-16-04
Yeah, so I was offered a free scholarship to Japan.
Holy Crap! That's amazing! You'll be able to meet Kojima, get nailed by Japanese chicks, drink your weight in Sake...
Yeah...I declined.
What? Why? WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Well, you know...there's...um...uh....
If ever there was a need for an N-Gage...

 

by tealsmith
1-16-04
Hello, this is A-Cow. I'd like to take a moment and talk to you all about Japan.
Many of you are confused. You think that there are bizzare Soda Cans and evil robots abound. You think the woman are loose, and that they sell joygasms in a can over there. You are all mistaken.
It's 4 million times better. And the robots have Katanas. They hand them out like Candy. And the women. They've got Ninja Skills. And they don't SELL the Joygasms. They give 'em to you.
A-Cow, did I hear you say Joygasm? 'Cause I've got a metal rod, and an urge to mount Fuji! Heh heh heh...

 

by tealsmith
1-19-04
Ok, why can't we go in?
The cake! It's taken over everything! We need to stop it!
...You're joking, right? What could a cake do?
No! Seriously! It's evil! It's taken the kitchen! It's eaten my cat! It's...It's horrible! OH NO! V-Man's in there!
A-Cow:I'm sure he'll be fine!
So you say you'll give me dominion over mankind if I do you a small favour?
Oh yeah! It's a cinch! The instructions are attached to this metal pole in my pants, but there's a catch: You gotta suck 'em out...heh heh heh...

 

by tealsmith
1-20-04
With much rejoicing, the Equinox creator Xornok returns!
Xornok! You're back! We all thought you were dead!
I was.
But...But, when you die, you stop...you know...living. How are you standing here now?
It doesn't matter.
Oh...kay. So, what happened while you were gone?
Well, I'm dressed in a clown suit. What do YOU think happened?

 

by tealsmith
1-20-04
So, you managed to take back your bedroom.
Yes, it was a tough battle. Fortunatley, my OPM baricade is holding.
You...do realize that this absurd? You're fighting a cake.
A-Cow, you know this is no ordinary cake! You've seen what it's done to things! Maybe I should have stopped him back in comic 33...
By the way, what happened to V-Man?
Wow...that cake sure knows some nifty tricks! Wait...how did I get on stage? Who are all these people?
Dance for us robot!

 

by tealsmith
1-20-04
This is rediculous. I'm going to fight.
No A-Cow! Don't go out there! At least not without a flame thrower.
You! Mortal! Bow down before me!
...You must be the cake.
To be continued...
YES! Now...why are you looking at me like that?
Hmm...I forgot to eat lunch you know.

 

by tealsmith
1-20-04
How'd you get rid of the cake?
Well, I ate it. What else was I going to do?
You ever seen Alien? You know the part with the chest burster?
Yeah...
Well, what will happen to you is kinda like that.
DEAR GOD! Who would have thought he'd be armed with an N-Gage!?! IT BURNS!
It was in your stomach. Oh and TealSmith? I'll be waiting for you...

 

by tealsmith
1-23-04
Once upon a time, in a land far far away (Germany), a guy named Xornox got bored.
Hmm, what does this button do?
Board created.
Xornox had created The Equinox. He couldn't seem to decide what background to have though...
I just can't decide, they all look pretty!
stp changing the BG already!
And he appointed excellent admins:
Dude, shut the hell up, the background is just fine.
Don't you have something you should be doing? Like raping a tree?

 

by tealsmith
1-26-04
Over time, various posters came to The Equinox. Some of these posters became moderators. A-Cow:
Ž„‚Í–Ÿ‰æ‚̃|ƒ‹ƒmƒOƒ‰ƒtƒB[‚ðŒ©‚È‚¢!
I have no idea what the hell you just said.
Chee-Z:
I am the official peace keeper and smiley abuser of The Equinox!
Don't remind her of Ape Escape...
And TealSmith:
Solid Snake's exact height is 158cm.... what are you looking at?
A freak.

 

by tealsmith
1-27-04
...and so, in conclusion, I propose that The Equinox high council take this bill under advisement.
......
AHAHAHAHAHAHA!
HAHAHAHAHA!
This is great, he worships us! Maybe we should get him to buy us consoles as sacrifices. Speaking of which...
If you throw an N-Gage at me, I swear to god I'm gonna kill you.

 

by tealsmith
1-27-04
After the cake incident, V-Man has his own night show!
So, FlyBot. Who's on first?
Yes, my CPU confirms that is accurate. Who is the indvidual playing first.
Playing? Who's First? I need to find out, because my tally has gone unwhacked for some time!
1000110110101! You always induce humour on me, Vector Man. Your sexual exploits are hilarious for all.
Dude, what the hell? This is the worst show on TV!
We'll be right back to "Hey, at least it's not American Idol" after these messages!

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