All comics by victorino

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by victorino
7-26-02
I wonder if she'd like me if I washed my dick?
I wonder if he'd like me if I washed the cooter?
I wonder if her clam is clean?
I wonder if his hoohoo is clean?
Can I wash your dingie?
Can I wash your popo?

 

by victorino
7-26-02
When I was a little bitty baby my mama would rock me in the cradle
In dem old cotton fields back home
It was down in Louisana, just about a mile from Texarkana, in dem old cotton fields back home

 

by victorino
7-26-02
Son, there's something I've been meaning to tell you . . . but I don't know where to start . . .
What is it, Pop?
Well, you see . . . Um . . . Whew, this is tougher than I thought . . . . Okay, here I go . . . Son . . .
Yeah, Pop?
You're one ugly son of a bitch!
I know, Pop!

 

by victorino
7-26-02
grrrrrrrrrr
Dude, what's that shit all over your face?
Makeup. What's that shit all over your face?
Well . . .
Come on . . .
It's Shit!

 

by victorino
7-26-02
I am a member of a family of Sino-Asian ancestry
I have performed a prank.
I have adulterated your carbonated cola beverage
with my own urine
Me Chinese. Me play joke.
Me put peepee in your Coke.

 

by victorino
7-26-02
Uncle Jesus? Can we go swimming in your pool?
Stay out of the deep end, and no running!
And don't track up the floors inside. Dry your feet before you come in.
We will. Do you want to come in with us?
I promise I won't splash you like last time.
Ask me again a little later. I think I'm just going to hang around for a while.

 

by victorino
7-26-02
When I'm with a woman, it sticks up this far!
I never seed one that big afore!
Do ya think I could have a gander?
Gander? Hell, I'll give you a goose!
Goose? Whuh?
It means I'll poke you in the 'taint!

 

by victorino
7-26-02
Did she hear me?
Did he just cut one?
Out with it woman! What amuses you so?
Get lost, gassy! I'll never tell!
Whew! I'm safe! She didn't hear me bust ass! I'll do it again!
Jesus, that motherfucker could peel paint!

 

by victorino
7-26-02
Damn this constipation!
I haven't moved my bowels in a week!
I'd pay a dollar for a decent crap!
A two foot leaner! A diamond-studded floater! Twice around the bowl with a twist!
Later . . .
Oh My God! I didn't think it would ever stop coming out! Thank you, Jesus! Thank you!
Fiber! It's What's For Dinner!

 

by victorino
7-26-02
The world is about to end in a fiery conflagration. We've got to save ourselves!
What about the children?
The Children???
Yes, the children!
Fuck the children!
Do you think there's time?

 

by victorino
7-26-02
Then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say
Rudolph, with your nose so bright . . . Won't you guide my sleigh tonight ?
That's when Rudolph said . . .
Hey, Get Stuffed. You always treated me unfair. You and your sycophantic snob friends can burn in hell for all I care.
I'm so sick of being picked on 'cuz I don't look the same as you. You're so nice now that you need me. Well, why don't you all go get screwed?
Hear me, fat boy? Why don't you all go get screwed? Get Screwed.

 

by victorino
7-26-02
Y'all cain't be choppin' up innocent peoples rightchere on the street like 'at, boy!
No, not with dat pigsticker, either!
That's better, but I'm still gonna hafta write you a ticket.

 

by victorino
7-26-02
Just for Thom . . .
What's the deal with airline food . . .
. . . and where do all the missing socks go when they escape from the dryer?
My wife puts "His" and "Hers" towels in the bathroom then says I can't use them!
"They're for guests!" she says.
What's up with that?
Don't get me started on mattress tags!

 

by victorino
7-26-02
J. Fredrick Pimpington III says . . .
A large ursine creature converses in an arboreal setting with a small lupine creature.
The large ursine creature inquires of the small lupine creature - "I say, do you ever experience difficulties with fecal residue adhering to your outer integumentary system?"
The small lupine creature replies in the negative. "No, I can't say that I've ever experienced any difficulties with fecal residue adhering to my outer integumentary system."
The large ursine creature then utilizes the corporeal habitus of the small lupine creature as a utensil in the role of removing fecal residue from his own outer integumentary system.
Say what?
A bear and a rabbit are talking in the woods. The bears says, "Hey, does shit ever stick to your fur?" The rabbit says "No." So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.
Word!

 

by victorino
7-26-02
Dig it - Once in your life you find her. Someone who turns your heart around. Next thing you know you're closing down the town.
Wake up and it's still with you even though you left her way across town. Wondering to yourself "Hey, what have I found?"
When you get caught between the moon and New York City the best that you can do is fall in love . . . Crazy, man! Peace out.

 

by victorino
7-26-02
So I spent a good twenty minutes writing a really complicated strip.
Funny as hell. About a bear and a rabbit shitting in the woods.
Only instead of just telling that old joke, I jazzed it up. "Large ursine creature." "Small Lupine Creature."
"Does Fecal Residue Adhere To Your Outer Integumentary System?"
Twenty minutes of work. Triple spell checked. Fucking hilarious.
Except for that fucking typo in the punchline.

 

by victorino
7-26-02
How hot is it?
Hotter than prison sex out here!
Hotter than the underside of a Texas titty!
Hotter than a bowl of dick!
Hotter than two rats fucking in a wool sock!
Hotter than three shaggy dogs fucking in a bucket of boiling piss!
Now that's hot!

 

by victorino
7-26-02
Sweetie? Was there something you wanted to tell me?
What do you mean, mama?
What have you been up to all afternoon?
Nothing. Just playing.
By the way, mama . . . did you know you can't flush a grapefruit down the toilet?
Ulp!

 

by victorino
7-29-02
Hey, Cindy. Where ya been?
Sigh . . . out in the woods with Dasher and Dancer . . .
You're walking a little funny. Everything okay?
Yeah, I guess. I tell one thing for sure, though . . .
What's that?
That's the last time I do something like that for two bucks!

 

by victorino
8-14-02
When I was young
and in my prime
I used to beat off all the time
But now I'm old and have more sense
I use a knothole
In the fence!

 

by victorino
8-14-02
You know what I really can't stand?
What?
I really can't stand those comic strips that are weird just for the sake of being weird.
You mean where there's no real obvious punchline, no attention to narrative continuity, no porduction vallues or atention to deatails, etc.?
Yeah, where instead it's some sort of existential exploration of the autonomic synaptic responses of the cartoonist based on a desire to be different, or based on how much or how little he's been laid
Look at me! I'm a floating nonsequitur with dry, fly away hair!

 

by victorino
8-14-02
Excuse me, lady. . .
Yeah?
Can I . . . Um . . . Can I smell your crotch?
What?!?! Why I . . . .
No, you can't smell my crotch!
Hmm. Must be your feet!

 

by victorino
8-14-02
My boobies are small. Perky and Pointy.
They're shaped just like lemons, though no juice to anoint ye.
Do you want to try them? Come here. Have a taste.
Every man knows more than a mouthful's a waste.
Just don't call them funbags, dirty pillows or jugs.
This strip has no punchline. I must be on drugs.

 

by victorino
8-14-02
This strip would be a lot funnier if fish could talk.

 

by victorino
8-14-02
Rick 'em!
Rack 'em!
Wreck 'em!
Ruck 'em!
Get that ball and really
FIGHT!

 

by victorino
8-14-02
If I had a hammer I'd hammer in the morning.
I'd hammer in the evening all over this land!
But what good am I?
I don't have a hammer! I don't!
Wait! What's this? A hammer?
Well, all right then!

 

by victorino
8-19-02
Nonsensical but vaguely musical syllables
A male of Sino-Asian ancestry . . . a recent immigrant
Perched upon a wall
Pondering the capitalist system and how best to conform to and integrate himself into that system
Ching Chong Chinaman sitting on a fence
Trying to make a dollar out of fifteen cents

 

by victorino
8-19-02
You ever go over to a friend's house to eat and the food just ain't no good?
I mean, the macaroni's soggy, the peas are mushed and the chicken tastes like wood
So you try to play it off like you think you can by saying that you're full, but your friend says "Mama, he's just being polite. He ain't finished it all. That's bull."
So your heart starts pumping and you think of a lie and you say that you already ate, but your friend says "Man, there's plenty of food," so he piles some more on your plate!
So while this sticky food's steaming your mind starts dreaming of the moment it's time to leave
Then you look at your plate and your chicken's slowly rotting into something that looks like cheese!

 

by victorino
8-19-02
So I'm trying this new Korean restaurant, and I order the Korean BBQ pork. You can get it from one to twelve stars hot.
Let me guess. You were thinking "twelve stars" was the same as "five stars" in other restaurants, right? Not that it was just that much hotter? And you ordered what . . . a seven?
Twelve.
So? How was it?
I'm writing a song about it. It's called "There's a hole in my ass where my asshole used to be."

 

by victorino
8-19-02
The third deconstruction of an unfathomable cliche . . .
I am a female of Asian descent. The actual geographic origins of my ancestors matter little.
Rather, what is important is that, because I am an Asian female, I am clearly, incontrovertibly, docile and servile.
In fact, my opinions, my philosophies and my aspirations are happily subsumed by my blind, uncontrollable desire to embody the sexual stereotypes of the American male!
As an added bonus, because I am Asian, I am versed in mysterious methods of giving pleasure that are unknown to Western women. Yes, the secret sexual techniques of the Orient!
So, how about it, Sailor?
Me so horny. Me love you long time.

 

by victorino
8-22-02
My uncle Fred was starting a new job as a bus driver, and he wanted to make all the kids feel welcome, so he painted Big Bird, Burt & Ernie, Oscar the Grouch and the Cookie Monster on his bus.
He picked up the first girl, Patty, and she was HUGE! Had her own zip code. She waddled on the bus, plopped own, and he went on to pick up the next girl, coincidentally also named Patty.
She was even fatter! Had her own area code. She waddled on, plopped down, and Fred went to the next kid, Bruce. Bruce was . . . special. He got on the bus, drooling, and sat there grinning madly.
On to the last kid, Lester, a total sleaze. Hadn't bathed or brushed his teeth in months. He sat down in a cloud of dirt and flies, peeled off a shoe and started picking shit off his feet.
Fred drops off this motley crew of human refuse, rushes home, opens a beer and hits the sofa for Judge Judy. His wife says "Honey, how was your first day?"
He says, "It was terrible! I had two obese Patties, special Bruce, and Lester Sleeze picking bunions on my Sesame Street Bus!"

 

by victorino
8-22-02
Freaky that one of the characters listed under Forum Users looks so much like me.
Not really. There's probably a lot of bespectacled geeks with goatees to hide the extra chin. Oh, and with the beginnings of a pot belly.
Well, anyway, I started a blog over at http://www.improvisation.ws/mb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=7496
Jeezus, Gomer. Could you provide a longer link? The damn thing doesn't even fit on one line. What a loser!
This is the worst stip I've ever written.
Ya got that right. >>fatal error

 

by victorino
8-22-02
Date a tu cuerpo alegria, Macarena
Porque tu cuerpo es para darte alegria, Macarena
Date a tu cuerpo alegria, Macarena
He-e-ey, Macarena!
I'm so sorry.
So very, very sorry.

 

by victorino
8-23-02
Suddenly, out of nowhere . . .
Surprise!
Jeezus, Honey! You just about made me shit myself!
And quit flitting around! You're making me dizzy!
Sorry, Sweetie! Too much crank!
I've been thinking about you. All . . . day . . . long! Wanna turn the lights out and play?
Fred The Flying Head is headin' for bed!

 

by victorino
8-23-02
Son, I've got good news and bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Jeez, Doc! Um . . . give me the bad news first, I guess.
Well, you're dying. You'll be dead by the weekend.
Christ, Doc! What's the good news?
You know that secretary out there? The one with the great big jugs, and the peach-shaped ass?
I'm fuckin' her!

 

by victorino
8-23-02
Well, I've got good news and bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
I guess I'll take the good news first.
The good news is, the test results came back and they showed you only have 24 hours to live.
Jesus Christ, Doc! That's the good news? What the hell is the bad news?!?
I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
Ulp!

 

by victorino
8-29-02
One Fish!
Two Fish!
Red Fish!
Blue Fish!
Now That's What I'm Talking About!
Word! Mrs. Paul in the hizzouse!

 

by victorino
9-23-02
Hey, Jeez, what's up? Want to hear a joke?
Um . . . sure.
What's the difference between you and a picture of you?
I don't know. What?
It only takes one nail to hang a picture of you.

 

by victorino
10-04-02
So, I remember this one time before I joined the priesthood, when I was living with this girl.
I came home from work one day, and we made sweet, sweet love until the sun went down.
We got up the next morning, and we screwed like banshees. She must have come a half-dozen times.
I came home for lunch, and we went at it again like Turkish prisoners just out of solitary. It was the hottest sex I had ever seen in my life! I go back to work, and come home later.
She's outside with a suitcase, waiting for a ride. "Baby, what's up? Things are going so great." She said she had watched Oprah, and thought I might be a pedophile.
I said "Pedophile? That's an awfully big word for a twelve year old!"

 

by victorino
10-04-02
So, Doc, the test results are back? What's the verdict?
Well, son, I've got bad news, good news, and bad news. What do you want to hear first?
Jeez, Doc. Um . . . Give me the bad, then the good, then the bad.
The bad news is that you're very sick. With what you've got, you could be dead by morning. The good news is, there's a cure.
Whew! You had me scared there for a second. What's the other bad news?
I lied. There's no cure.

 

by victorino
10-04-02
Want to hear a joke?
Yeah, sure. Ok.
What's brown and sticky?
I don't know. What's brown and sticky?
A STICK!
Ulp!

 

by victorino
10-08-02
Our talented players present an actual Andy Capp strip. Enjoy!
You know those hospital programs on TV . . .
There's always about eight staff around the stretcher as they wheel it through the doors to emergency
Yes
That's always how I imagine your mum going into the beauty parlor

 

by victorino
10-08-02
What's up, dude? You're looking a little . . . blue.
It's these brand new pants I'm wearing
New pants? Something wrong with them?
Yeah, they're like a cheap hotel?
Cheap hotel?
Yeah, no ballroom.

 

by victorino
10-09-02
Our talented players present an actual Herb and Jamaal strip. Enjoy!
Herb, you shouldn't be so hard on ol' Jeff . . . He's a nice guy . . .
. . . Even though he may not be the brightest bulb in the socket.
I'll say he's not bright . . .
. . . He even gets stuck for an answer when someone says "Hello."

 

by victorino
10-09-02
Do know what's really good on apple pie, but really bad on hair pie?
No. What's really good on apple pie, but really bad on hair pie?
Crust!

 

by victorino
10-09-02
I'm freaking out! I just dropped by my mom's house and let myself in with my old key. The house was dark. I heard my mom in the back bedroom shouting something so obscene, I can't even repeat it!
Hmmm.
If it was dark, she was probably saying "Clap On! Clap On!" to turn the lights on.
Whew! That explains it!
I thought she was yelling "Strap On! Strap On!"

 

by victorino
10-09-02
Based on a true story. Honest!
Hey, Mary Joe. You're looking a little . . . troubled. What's up?
Hey, doc. Yeah, I'm freaking out. I just came home and caught my daughter in bed masturbating!
Cindy? She's what, fifteen? Sixteen? That's normal for a girl her age. Perfectly healthy. Nothing to worry about.
Normal?
She was using MY vibrator!
Ulp!

 

by victorino
10-09-02
Not based on a true story. I hope.
Hey, Mary Joe. You're looking a little . . . troubled. What's up?
Hey, doc. Yeah, I'm freaking out. I just came home and caught my daughter in bed masturbating!
Cindy? She's what, fifteen? Sixteen? That's normal for a girl her age. Perfectly healthy. Nothing to worry about.
Normal?
She was masturbating her BROTHER!
Ulp!

 

by victorino
10-11-02
Our talented players present an actual Born Loser strip. Enjoy!
What do you say we go out to dinner this evening?
Wonderful! But could we go someplace where the food isn't very good . . .
I'm trying to diet and I don't want to be too tempted!

 

by victorino
10-31-02
Well, son, I'm afraid I've got some bad news and some good news. Which would you like to hear first?
Jeez, Doc . . . I . . . I guess I'll take the bad news first.
Your wife's been paralyzed in a horrible accident. For the rest of her life, you'll have to help her bathe, dress, eat, drink. You'll even have to change her messy diapers.
Jeezus, Doc! What's the good news?
The good news is that I'm fucking with you. She's actually dead!
Whew!

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