All comics by wutangtony

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by wutangtony
9-18-02
Jim's day had come.
Jim Anderson, I've come for you.
What the fuck? Oh well. Am I going to heaven or hell?
Hell.
Hell?! What the fuck for?
Remember that spider you killed two years ago? Turns out that's all it takes. God has some new rules. He's reorganizing, and needs to cut heaven's costs.
Shit. Who knew God was a Republican CEO?

 

by wutangtony
9-19-02
Little girl, you're under arrest! I have a search warrant to search your room.
What? What the hell for?
We have reason to believe that you might develop nuclear weapons when you grow up, and if you don't let us inspect your room, we're gonna bomb the shit outta your house.
Okay, you can inspect my room.
Hey, don't try to trick me, you goddamn terrorist. We're gonna bomb the shit outta your house anyway.
I wonder if they're going to bomb the shit outta my house to cover up the fact that the president is mentally retarded and the economy is in the tank thanks to his corrupt puppetmasters? Nah!

 

by wutangtony
9-21-02
When liberalism backfires...
I've been thinking ...
Oh, shit.
Shouldn't we as liberals, at least on some level, support George W. Bush?
On what level is that?
Well, we're always crowing about the rights of the disabled, and now, we have a mentally retarded president? Shouldn't we be happy?
The subliminal messages on Fox News have begun to have an effect.

 

by wutangtony
9-23-02
Do you ever wonder if George W. Bush is a robot?
Yeah, but it passes quickly.
Really? Why's that?
Because robot's are smart.
He could be a retarded robot.
True.

 

by wutangtony
9-24-02
A moment of clarity.
Urp!
There's an old saying in Tennessee....
Uhh?
Fool me once, shame on... shame on you...
...fool me...uh...won't be fooled again. Now, let's bomb Iraq.
I'm only a microphone, but can't everyone see this guy's a homicidal moron?

 

by wutangtony
9-25-02
Ghosty McScarem drums up support for the Bush II Jihad.
Oooohhhh.... If we don't attack Iraq, Saddam Hussein will use nuclear weapons to kill your children.
But, how do we know that Iraq has the capability of even developing nuclear weapons?
Oooohhhh.... Look at his mustache. How much more proof do you need? Oooooohhh....
But, what about Osama bin Laden? How will this protect us from him?
Who?
!

 

by wutangtony
9-26-02
Kurt Warner after winning the Super Bowl in 2000
I'd like to thank Jesus Christ for making all this possible. Praise Jesus, the one true lord, who really pulled for my team.
Kurt Warner after an 0-3 start in 2002
We just need to play better. I don't know what's wrong. I'm sure Jesus is still pulling for me.
Meanwhile...
Go Broncos!

 

by wutangtony
9-27-02
Did you hear that President Bush is recommending we train Iraqi rebels to help overthrow Saddam?
Hooray! I can't think of a single thing wrong with that idea! Hooray for America!
Yeah, I mean look how well that turned out for us when we trained the Afghans and Osama bin Laden to fight the Soviets!
Hooray! I love the Afghans! They're our friends! Osama bin Laden helped us fight the Rooskis! Hooray!
Shit, look how well it turned out when we trained the Iraqis to fight the Iranians! If there's one thing that will never come back to bite us in the ass, it's training Arabs how to fight!
Hooray! I'm an ass! I don't like to be bitten! God bless America! Hooray!

 

by wutangtony
9-30-02
So, apparently, back in September 2000, George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, and Jeb Bush drew up a plan for world domination. It included things like attacking Iraq and setting up military space stations.
Well, who doesn't do that?
Isn't it kinda scary that the retarded guy running the country, his evil grandpa, and the governor of the state that handed him the election are drawing up plans for world domination?
Scary? Nah! Dr. Evil does that shit all the time and he always fails.
Dude, this isn't a fucking movie! This is real life. Three guys and their lackeys are sitting around talking about taking over the goddamn world! These are now guys with nuclear weapons!
You mean George W. Bush is really the president? Fuck me! I thought this whole "presidency" thing was another bad reality series on Fox.

 

by wutangtony
10-01-02
George W. Bush lets Congress know he means bid'ness.
As your president, I will only accept a Congressional resolution on Iraq that guarantees I'll get to fuck Saddam Hussein in the ass!
We are in a war here, and Saddam will not be defeated unless I get to fuck him in the ass. Now, I want Congress to move on this and move fast!
And don't try to read no goddamn polls about what the American people want or the economy. The longer we put off this ass-fucking, the longer we live in terror.
Maybe he's right. I'll bet Rush would support an ass-fucking resolution. I'm going to write a letter to the editor and call Bill O'Reilly.

 

by wutangtony
10-02-02
Bush's new demand...
Yesterday, as king of America, I called upon Congress to pass a resolution guaranteeing me the right to fuck Saddam Hussein in the ass.
And, as I expected the pussy Democrats and the whack-job Republicans rolled over and passed a resolution granting me that power.
Today, I say that ass-fucking is not enough! I demand that Congress grant me the power to pluck out one of Saddam's eyes with pliers and fuck his wet eye socket!
Fucking liberal Democrats! Bill O'Reilly supports socket-fucking. I hope Ann Coulter is on Hardball. I need to whack it. After that, I'm writing to my Senator to support socket-fucking.

 

by wutangtony
10-07-02
Resident W makes more demands.
A few days ago, I asked Congress to grant me the power to fuck Saddam Hussein in the ass. Congress gave me that power.
Then, I asked for the power to fuck Saddam in his eye socket. And, Congress gave me that power as well. Now, UN Weapons Inspectors are going to fuck all that shit up!
I demand that Congress now authorize me to kill weapons inspectors if they try to enter Iraq!
Goddamn weapons inspectors! They's a tryin' ta help the terrrrrrists. I'm a gonna go blow up a woman's clinic in protest!

 

by wutangtony
9-02-03
So, I heard that Colin Quinn was molested by a priest when he was a boy, and he talks about it in his act.
Yes, it's true.
To me, that says two things. First, childhood trauma doesn't always make you funny.
And second?
And second, you guys will fuck anybody.
It's true. Praise Jesus.

 

by wutangtony
9-05-03
Bush said that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction.
He lied.
Bush said the air in New York City was fine after September 11, 2001.
He lied.
Let's re-elect him.
Okay.

 

by wutangtony
2-06-04
Our children have been corrupted.
My daddy was watching the Super Bowl, and then Janet Jackson showed her titty.
I am but a young impressionable little girl. Now, I feel I must show my titty.
Our higher order primate pets have been corrupted.
My owner was watching the Super Bowl, and then a Budweiser commercial revealed to me that I can talk and have sex with human women.
I am but an impressionable young chimp. Now, I no longer yearn for bananas, but for hot, unprotected sex with slutty human women.
When will America return to Jesus?
. . . now, I constantly yearn for the sweet, sweet smell of horse farts . . .
. . . I yearn for a small dog to bite me in the genitals repeatedly . . .

 

by wutangtony
2-23-04
Democrats start to panic.
Fucking Nader!
Fucking Nader!
Jobless people start to panic.
Fucking Nader!
Fucking Nader!
Cooler heads prevail.
Hey, let's just not vote for him!
Okay.

 

by wutangtony
2-23-04
They know they shouldn't vote for Nader.
Bush has been really shitty, and I lost my job and my health insurance, but Nader believes in all the same shit I believe in. That Kerry asshole protested Vietnam!
My company laid me off, despite the fact that we had record profits and got a huge tax rebate from the Bush Administration, but I'm casting a protest vote!
Their friends beseech them, begging them to not vote for Nader.
Dude, if you fucking vote for Nader, the rich are just going to keep getting a blank check. Your taxes are going to go up while theirs go down! Wake up, you fucking idiot!
But, dude, Nader is the only candidate that represents me, dude! I'm an eighth-level vegan. I don't eat anything that casts a shadow. Nader gets that!
Meanwhile in January 2005 . . .
Whew! Thank the god of capitalism that all those poor people voted for Nader! Here comes four more years of Hummers, tax-free business in the Caymans, and war profiteering. God bless America!
Sure, I might die, but I get an extra $300 a year! I'm gonna buy me a fucking hammock! Thanks, Nader!

 

by wutangtony
5-13-04
The Moron-in-Chief walks into a big glass house.
Heh, unlike John Kerry, I, uh, didn't throw my medals away from Vietnam!
Um. you didn't go to Vietnam. You used your daddy's influence to get you into the Guard.
Well, John Kerry didn't, uh, deserve, uh, that third purple heart.
Well, let's just assume that's true. Does it take away the first two? By the way, you didn't go to Vietnam, and you were AWOL from your Guard service.
Yeah, but, I'm a pilot. I'm a cowboy!
You're a fuckhead.

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