All comics by johnnymac84

 

by johnnymac84
8-19-03
Come on Jimmy. Sell me your soul. I'll get you an Xbox!
That's tempting... but we are talking about my soul...
You're soul is worth more than an Xbox? I admire your bargaining skills.
I only have one soul
Let's try a different approach.
No fair. You've been reading my diary.

 

by johnnymac84
8-19-03
Wanker, I am having NO luck bringing Jimmy over to the dark side. He has no greed.
Then his soul is very valuable. I suggest you offer the one thing no man can refuse...
It won't work Wanker. He has no use for it...
Say what?
Wanker, not everyone wants to see that Celine Dion show in Vegas...
Everyone I know does...

 

by johnnymac84
8-19-03
I've been working too hard. I've got to slow down a little bit.
Tonight I am going to have dinner with that girl I met in the chat room. She seems nice...
I should have asked for her picture.

 

by johnnymac84
8-19-03
Hi! Welcome to Burger King. How can I help you?
Sell me your soul, Mortal.
No.
I'll make you very powerful.
No
Screw it. Gimme some chicken tenders, then.

 

by johnnymac84
8-22-03
Hey Satan. Sorry to hear you've had such a rough time getting souls. You can buy mine.
I already have yours, Wanker
Really? When did you get it?
When you were three years old
*sniff* I miss my childhood.
For a vial of crack and some candy flavored condoms, as I recall.

 

by johnnymac84
8-25-03
Sell me your soul, mortal!
Okay. Sure. What's in it for me?
Name your price.
Can you get me out of this faggy Wal-Mart looking t-shirt?
Saddle up, cowboy. We are goin' to Target!
Goody!

 

by johnnymac84
8-25-03
Today: In Hell
So I heard Father Geoghan was murdered in prison.
That he was...
When does he get here?
He was reincarnated as Osama Bin Laden's goat before he comes here.
Bummer.
No kidding. From what I hear Osama has one bad case of Gonnarhea...

 

by johnnymac84
8-25-03
Sam gets DirecTV in hell
Okay, you are all hooked up.
Gee thanks! What channels do I get?
You have the Devil's choice package. You get Lifetime, C-Span, Pax, HBO Family...
Please don't say it! Please, oh please!
The WB......
Aw shit!

 

by johnnymac84
8-26-03
Sam gets DirecTV in hell
Tonight on Lifetime............
It's the Golden Girls versus Designing Women!
Oh well. It's better than the WB.
The first match is Bea Arthur against Meeshach Taylor in a Nude Jello Slamdown!

 

by johnnymac84
8-31-03
TV sucks in hell.
Hey, did you see the MTV video awards?
No, my crappy DirecTV here in hell only gets the Lifetime network.
Oh, well you missed it. Maddona and Britney Spears made out!
Really? That sounds hot.
It was. So what have you been watching?
I watched a movie where Rue McClanahan kissed Gavin McCloud. I masterbated twice.

 

by johnnymac84
9-02-03
First Guest Celebrity episode!
Excuse me, my good man, could you show the way to my dressing room. I'm a big star, you know...
No you're not. You are a D-list star. You were the best we could get on short notice.
Sir, I'll have you know that I got top billing in a major motion picture recently!
Yeah, so did Justin Guarini. Who cares?
You wound me, sir.
Sorry to hear that. You're bunking with Bob Denver. Don't touch his blunts. It makes him cranky.

 

by johnnymac84
9-02-03
Hello Mr. Duck. I'm a big fan. Welcome!
Thank you, strange looking fellow.
There is something I've always wanted to ask you...
Yes?
Ever nail Daisy?
Just once. Back in WWII. Donald was out at sea. She wasn't sure he was coming back. *sniff* It's hard for me to talk about.

 

by johnnymac84
9-03-03
Hey Sam. I hear you've been watching a lot of TV lately.
Yes, I have. Not much else to do here.
Well that's not why you're in hell. You need to suffer some...
Trust me, 8 weeks of nothing but Lifetime and PAX is suffering.
That's not enough. I need you to judge a talent contest.
Wow, I guess they weren't kidding in church when they said I wouldn't like it here!

 

by johnnymac84
9-03-03
Sam judges a talent contest in hell.
Dog on ball singing Boy George...
Do you really want to hurt me?/Do you really want to make me cry?
Bad lady magician...
For my next trick, I will remove my tampon without using my hands!
Duck doing impressions...
"Dy-no-mite!" Jimmy Walker. "Shazam!" Gomer Pyle. "Whacho talkin about Willis?" Gary Coleman

 

by johnnymac84
9-07-03
Sam after 8 days of judging a horrible talent contest...
Please have mercy! I can't take any more of this!
Okay, okay. You are almost done. Just one more act.
Just one more? All right. I think I can get through one last act. What is it?
My visibly 4000 year old mother will get her nasty on with a couple of 600 pound guys for eight hours.
*SOB*
Want some popcorn?

 

by johnnymac84
9-08-03
Hi there. This is a public service message about life in prison.
We think it's important that people don't get the wrong idea about life in American correctional institutions.
That's right. It's not all anal sex and murdering pedofiles.
Heavens no! I haven't had anal sex in six months!
Rest assured we are being correctly rehabilitated for optimum return to society!
Because anal sex is so much better when it's voluntary.

 

by johnnymac84
9-15-03
You know the worst part of being here in hell?
Do tell...
I thought I was going to get laid more.
Where did you ever get that idea?
Actually, from you.
Really? Damn. Can I make a sale or what?

 

by johnnymac84
9-22-03
Did you see the Emmy awards last night?
Sadly, I did...
Did you see Brad Garrett kiss Gary Shandling?
Uh huh.
Pretty hot, huh?
Fine. You got me. I did jerk off. Happy?

 

by johnnymac84
9-26-03
Mom! What are you doing here?
Sonny, when are you going to give up this Hell business and make your mother proud?
It always comes to this, doesn't it Ma?
Why couldn't you be like your cousin Mort? He's in computers!
Mort is an internet pornographer, Ma.
You make it sound so dirty. I think of it as modern art!

 

by johnnymac84
10-03-03
Hi there! Who was your favorite president?
Martin Van Buren.
(Crap) Hi there! Who was your favorite president?
Harry Truman.
(Damn) Hi there! Who was your favorite president?
Aww, Bill, who loves ya baby?

 

by johnnymac84
10-03-03
Rutherford B. Hayes was my favorite president. He was related to Issac Hayes, right?
Rats.
Richard Nixon was very underrated.
$(*&)%$
Do you want to know who my favorite president was?
Screw it. Just gimme some Chicken Tenders.

 

by johnnymac84
10-03-03
Hi there! Who was your favorite president?
Eeek! How did you get into my room?
Don't be alarmed! I am the Ex-Prez Bill! I have a new TV show.
Well I'm getting dressed! Could you wait outside please?
Oh! Right! Sure. Umm... that's a nice bra. Is it new?
Quit stalling.

 

by johnnymac84
10-03-03
Hi there! Who was your favorite president?
I'm trying to think of one that didn't get blown by a chubby in the oval office.
(Brat) Hi there! Who was your favorite president?
I dunno. Martin Sheen is pretty cool. So is that guy from Saturday Night Live.
(Moron) Hi there! Who was your favorite president?
Hey man! I got crabs from Paula Jones. She said it's your fault.

 

by johnnymac84
10-03-03
Bill has a theme show: people without pants!
Hi there! Who was your favorite president?
Grover Cleveland!
Hi there! Who was your favorite president?
Lyndon Johnson!
Welcome back!
*SOB* Please leave me alone!

 

by johnnymac84
10-03-03
Bill's pets check in.
Socks, who was your favorite president?
John Kennedy.
Buddy, who was your favorite president?
Abraham Lincoln.
Ummm, who are you?
I'm your burning case of gonorrhea. Remember me? Personally, I always liked Ike.

 

by johnnymac84
10-03-03
Bill, it's sweeps time. We need some big ideas for the next month to get some monster ratings!
How about if we do a show where we give women breast implants? Lot's of flesh!
That's an idea. Or how about if we have Hillary on?
Well...?
I'm sorry. I was still thinking about the breast implants. Did you say something?

 

by johnnymac84
10-03-03
Hey JP. We have some big plans for Bill during sweeps. The ratings will be huge.
I hope so. So far the show seems a little slow. I want some action.
No problem. Bill is out filming a bit right now. The audience will love it.
It better be good.
Don't you ever knock?
Don't you ever get dressed? Tee hee!

 

by johnnymac84
10-04-03
You need a sidekick.
I dunno. I like to work alone. Unless you can get Pamela Anderson.
No, the network wants a guy working with you.
Who did they have in mind?
It's me! Al Gore!
Yeah, I should have seen that one coming...

 

by johnnymac84
10-04-03
Hi there! Who was your favorite president?
Jimmy Carter.
Hi there! Who was your favorite president?
Hell, I can't read and I ain't never voted.
Hi Hillary! Who is your favorite president?
I think Dubya is starting to grow on me...

 

by johnnymac84
10-09-03
Surfing the web for porn is fun.
Isn't that cute... A girl having sex with a Shetland Pony.
I thought Mom didn't like animals.

 

by johnnymac84
10-09-03
Dad, I have found porn on the internet.
I bet you are confused and have a lot of questions, son.
Well, I do have one question...
What is it, son?
Why is Mom in so much of this porn?
It's time you learned, son, that your Mom is the biggest skank-whore on the planet. But it's not a bad thing, really.

 

by johnnymac84
10-09-03
Mom! You are all over the internet in porno sites! How can you be such a slut?
Son, you musn't judge. This is a life style choice.
Doing it with a horse is a life style choice?
I'm sure you are confused. Would you like to speak with him?
I can't believe this is happening!
Son, I want you to know that I have nothing but respect for your mother. Even when I spunked on her face. Neigh!

 

by johnnymac84
10-09-03
It makes me sad that Billy is embarassed by my pictures on the internet.
He's young. He doesn't understand.
Still, I feel like I've let him down. I am his mother.
I'm sorry. Should I cancel our date with Karl and the horny daschound?
Hell no! I don't feel that bad. Not the mention, that daschound can go for hours!
You frisky little tart!

 

by johnnymac84
10-13-03
Rinkydink High Career Night
As some of you probably know, my mom is a big amatuer internet porn star.
Rinkydink High Career Night
While this is not technically a career, I have brought someone who HAS made a career out of internet porn.
Rinkydink High Career Night
Please welcome Mr. Horny Horse!
Hi kids! Thanks for having me. I wasn't sure what was expected, so I brought a slide show. Lights please!

 

by johnnymac84
10-13-03
Rinkydink High School Career Night
Does anyone have any questions?
Hey Mr. Horny Horse! My dad said your unit isn't really that big. You use special effects to make it look bigger!
Rinkydink High School Career Night
Is that so?
Yeah. He said you are hung like a hamster!
Rinkydink High School Career Night
I recall a night back in the summer of '97 when he paid me to treat him like my prison beeeotch, and he thought I was plenty big then!
GASP!!!!!

 

by johnnymac84
10-13-03
Rinkydink High School Career Night
Mr. Horny Horse, I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Your presence and your alleged career are not appropriate for young people.
Awww. That's too bad. I was having fun.
Rinkydink High School Career Night
Well, if your idea of fun is corrupting the minds of children, then I guess you had a blast.
Well, it was a gas. Not as much fun as that party at your house last week while you were out of town, though.
Rinkydink High School Career Night
Ummm, what?
Ooops! Sorry! I think that was supposed to be a secret. All those STD's have effected my brain.

 

by johnnymac84
10-14-03
You are my agent. I want to get out of the porn business and into something more respectable.
Your name is Mr. Horny Horse. What kind of work do you think I can get for you?
Hey man! Traci Lords got out!! Jenna Jameson got out! I want my turn!
But they were both attractive women. You are a horse.
So I need implants. Is that what you're saying?
Well, that, and maybe lose that big cock of yours. Jesus, it's three feet behind you! We are in public for god's sake!

 

by johnnymac84
10-14-03
Umm, hello. My name is Mr. Horn... uuum, I mean Mr. Horse. I'd like to audition to be the host of your new talent show for the WB.
Aren't you that porno horse from the internet?
Yes! I am! But I am trying to leave that all behind me! There's more to me than an enormous cock! I want to grow as a talent! Why can't you recognize that?
Because we can't show your horse weiner on television. Could you have at least worn some pants?
Oh crap. I forgot about that. Give me a sec, I'll run over to The Gap!

 

by johnnymac84
10-18-03
There has to be more for me in life than just porn. I am talented and creative. I have thoughts and ideas.
I want to do things that matter. I want to leave a legacy of more than just dirty pictures and spent jizz.
Oooh! Aren't you Mr. Horny Horse? Do me right here and now!
Oh well. Duty calls.

 

by johnnymac84
10-20-03
Mr. Horny Horse, I know that I invited you here tonight, but it wasn't for meaningless sex.
That's good, because I am trying to set my life straight. I want to get away from all that horrible cheap sex.
I am leaving my husband. I'm in love with you.
What! That's horrible! What makes you think that you love me? One or two casual encounters?
Actually, it was more like 91 casual encounters.
Damn! That many? How in the hell do I do it?

 

by johnnymac84
10-20-03
You bastard. You have stolen my wife.
I stole your wife? You are the one who kept inviting me over. "Come on over Mr. Horny Horse! She's ready and willing!"
I wasn't supposed to end this way.*sniff*
I'm sorry. I don't know what to say...
Well, how about taking me once more, for old times sake?
*Sigh*. I suppose so. Set up the video camera.

 

by johnnymac84
10-23-03
Tough times at Warner Brothers...
Do we have to keep up this stupid hunter schtick? It's so over done!
Scwew you, you wascally wabbit. I need the bwead!
The Road Runner is having a quadruple bypass surgery. You are his replacement?
Beep-beep.
I tawt I taw a FUCKIN' PUDDY TATT!!!!! How's that, schmuck?
My client demands better lines. These suck.

 

by johnnymac84
10-23-03
Today's Topic: The Right to Die
There is lot's of talk lately about a person's right to die with dignity. Who is to say that someone must be kept alive by extreme measures because their relatives aren't ready to let them go?
Everyone has the right to decide for themselves. But you must make your wishes known in a living will.
Bob, you are a narrow minded moron. You're opinion is stupid. Not just on this topic, but on everything you've ever talked about.
That's Point/CounterPoint for today.
I'm not done yet! Your penis is small and you have no friends.

 

by johnnymac84
10-23-03
Actually a news story...
Today General Motors announced that it would have to rename it's Buick "LaCrosse" model in Canada because "LaCrosse" is slang for masturbation with some Canadian teens...
GM President said that they had no idea of the conotation of the word "LaCrosse", and are deeply embarassed.
The car's new name, the Buick "Jizzsucker", will be introduced early next year.

 

by johnnymac84
10-23-03
This just in... Carrot Top is gay! A nation reacts!
Fellow comic Ellen Degeneres is quoted as saying "I never saw THIS ONE coming!"
Evangalist and former presidential candidate Pat Robertson said "Carrot Top is too handsome to be gay!"

 

by johnnymac84
10-23-03
Scientists announced today that they had conducted the first ever "fish census".
Concentrating mostly in the North Atlantic, these scientists have spent the past 3 years working on the project. Here is some video of the census takers at work...
1,507,641; 1,507,642; 1,50...aww christ! This sucks!
Sod off, census-dork!

 

by johnnymac84
10-23-03
In other news; many American companies are looking to expand their businesses in Iraq now that Saddam Hussien is gone.
One company executive was quoted as saying that the timing is right now for companies to move into the sleeping economic giant.
We are gonna put a McDonald's here, okay?
Infidel! Zionist! Gimme a Big Mac.

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