All comics by BobCheeseburger

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by BobCheeseburger
5-29-06
Tell me, if you could have one wish, what would it be?
Hmm. You could take the nails out of my feet?
No. I like the nails.
Then I'd like a pony.

 

by BobCheeseburger
5-29-06
I've decided that you're my bestest friend in the whole world!
Hey, thankyou so much! So how about doing your bestest bud a favour and letting him go?
Now the trashcan is my bestest friend again.

 

by BobCheeseburger
5-29-06
Y'know, since you've been such a good sport I've decided to give you a gift.
You're letting me go?
I was thinking more along the lines of a new dog collar.
Make it a red one.

 

by BobCheeseburger
5-29-06
No.
5? 9? 2?
No! Ha ha, it was three and five eighths.
Whiskers or Snappy Tom?
Darn it, I wanted the kibble.

 

by BobCheeseburger
5-29-06
Let's have an alpine adventure!
If you take the nails out of my feet I could go skiing?
No, I guess not.
I'm going to nail antlers to your head and hunt you.
Ooh! Antlers!

 

by BobCheeseburger
5-29-06
What would you like to wear today?
Jeans and a leather jacket!
I'm going to dress you up like a little girl then shock you with the jumper cables.
Then I'd like the little red bow.

 

by BobCheeseburger
5-29-06
I suppose I could take the nails out of one foot.
That'd be super!
But I'd have to nail your hand to that foot to even it out.
I'm gonna hop in circles!

 

by BobCheeseburger
5-29-06
*Sigh*
Fine, I'll do it.
♫ I'm a little teapot, short and stout... ♫

 

by BobCheeseburger
5-30-06
A train leaves Detroit at 2:15pm travelling 85 miles an hour.
Another train leaves Chicago at 4:30pm travelling 70 miles an hour.
So which knee am I going to put the nail through?
10pm. No! 10:15pm!

 

by BobCheeseburger
5-30-06
If I take out the nails, do you promise not to run away?
I probably will. You'd better not do it.
I see you're learning.
Kibble?
Kibble.
Hooray!

 

by BobCheeseburger
5-30-06
If you can guess the number I'm thinking of you can have some kibble.
Pi!
Oh. I wasn't expecting that. We're out of kibble.
Real food?
I'll tell you what, I'll take the pinecone out of your rectum.
Oh boy! I'm gonna poop again!

 

by BobCheeseburger
5-30-06
So what would you like for your birthday?
I'd like a yo-yo!
That's a pity. Instead I'm going to start an ant farm in your colon.
I'm going to do 'Walk the Dog' and 'Ferris Wheel' and 'Forward Pass' and 'Split the Atom' and...
Are you listening to me?
Yo-yo.

 

by BobCheeseburger
5-30-06
Now you know why you're here, don't you?
Mfgghpt.
That's right.
Gfarpm.
Yes, and I'll replace the rest of your brain if you behave.
Spoop.

 

by BobCheeseburger
5-30-06
I bought some superglue to stick your feet to the floor.
No nails?
No, there'll still be nails, but now they'll be extra strong from the glue.
Like shoes?
Uh, sure.
Ha ha! I get a present!

 

by BobCheeseburger
5-30-06
I'm gonna get some McDonalds. You want anything?
Ooh! Cheeseburger!
Ha ha. That was a trick question. When I get back I'm going to burn you with cigarettes.
Ooh! Cheeseburger!

 

by BobCheeseburger
6-01-06
I was out walking today and I saw a lilting rose. It's darkening petals spoke to me with the anguish of a broken heart.
I was so taken aback by its delicate beauty that I just stood and wept.
Hey, it's 6:30! Time for your kibble. Then I'm going to sodomize you with a rake.
Mmm, kibble.

 

by BobCheeseburger
6-03-06
Happy birthday.
A pony! You got me a pony! Uh, I don't suppose you could nail him down a little closer though?
Maybe next year.

 

by BobCheeseburger
6-03-06
Dinner time!
Kibble?
No, you've been a good boy. Today you get meat!
Oh boy!
Hey. Where's my pony?

 

by BobCheeseburger
6-03-06
Dinner good?
Where's my pony!
He's in the other room. You ate the woman I lobotomized last week.
I'm going to name him 'Princess'.

 

by BobCheeseburger
6-03-06
How would you like a dog?
But I already have Princess.
Well you can have both a pony and a puppy.
I'll just have to nail them together.
Ooh, a sidecar!

 

by BobCheeseburger
6-03-06
He he.
Urgh, it smells like eggs.

 

by BobCheeseburger
6-03-06
What's the matter? You don't look too happy.
I'm a little depressed.
Would you like a manicure? Would that be nice?
Ooh, a manicure!
I'll get my pliers.
I'm gonna be pretty!

 

by BobCheeseburger
6-07-06
Merry Christmas Geoffrey!
Matthew, you know that I feel this holiday is an abomination against our lord and saviour.
Well I did build a nativity scene diorama for the mantle this year.
Ooh, I'd like to see that!
I built it out of lego, with pirates for wisemen and Darth Vader as the baby Jesus.
I'm telling mom.

 

by BobCheeseburger
6-07-06
God I love this holiday.
You shouldn't take the Lord's name in vain.
You can go to hell for that.
I think my fate was sealed when I touched myself in bed last night.
Gosh darn it Matthew, that's the last time we "top and tail".

 

by BobCheeseburger
6-08-06
Wow, that was a great cheeseburger.
Matthew, I really wish you wouldn't eat meat on Good Friday. Do you want your soul to go to hell?
I think that ship sailed when I peed in the holywater.
That was 20 years ago, I'm sure God has forgiven you.
No, I meant this time.
Darn it Matt, I use that water in my coffee.

 

by BobCheeseburger
6-08-06
Do you have any sins to confess, my son?
Yes. I once pooped in a confessional.
You did? When?
Just now.
Argh! Darn it Matt, I can smell it!
Hey, you got any paper? I didn't really think this through.

 

by BobCheeseburger
6-08-06
Come on Geoffrey, let's go out tonight for drinks.
I can't, you know I'm forbidden to partake of alcohol for pleasure.
Oh, right.
Well, you wanna go throw rocks at hookers?
I'll get my coat.

 

by BobCheeseburger
6-08-06
Alright Geoff, picture this. You. Me. Cable Hangliding.
Matthew, you know I'm not into the crazy hobbies you go in for.
So what do you want to do tomorrow?
You could come with me down to the train station? You seemed to enjoy that last time.
Yeah, it is kind of fun to yell at people and accuse them of being the devil.
It's God's work.

 

by BobCheeseburger
6-09-06
Hey, what's up?
I'm bored.
Oh. You wanna play Monopoly?
Ooh, I like Monopoly!
Of course by 'play Monopoly' I mean 'sodomize you with a rake'.
I'm gonna be the thimble!

 

by BobCheeseburger
6-09-06
What's the matter?
I'm lonely.
Lonely? But I brought you that little girl last week.
Yes, but you nailed her to the wall.
Would it help if I wiggle her arms around for a little while?
Ooh, a puppet!

 

by BobCheeseburger
6-14-06
Hey, you remember that time when we were five and mom queefed the national anthem?
That was the worst birthday ever.

 

by BobCheeseburger
6-14-06
Tell me Geoff, have you ever pondered the meaning of life?
Of course, I'm a priest.
It's 'boobies', right?
All signs point to 'yes'.

 

by BobCheeseburger
6-14-06
I've got some bad news for you.
You're going to torture me some more?
Nope. It's worse than that.
Oh no, not Princess!
Nope, worse still. You're going to wait on hold for me while I call the phone company.
Ooh, muzak!

 

by BobCheeseburger
6-14-06
Halloween's coming up. What do you want to dress up as?
I wanna be a ninja!
No, I'm being the ninja.
A guy that used to have nails in his feet!
Do you want me to get the hose?
A cowboy!

 

by BobCheeseburger
6-14-06
What would you like for your birthday?
I'd like a crowbar, a shovel and a length of rope.
Alright, then I'll take a beard made entirely of cheese.

 

by BobCheeseburger
6-15-06
Hey, do you ever think that there has to be more to life than this?
Well, I used to think so, but then we found that dead guy.
And hey,
Free dead guy.

 

by BobCheeseburger
6-15-06
Hey man, what's happening?
Pull my tentacle.
Uh, sure.
God dammit.

 

by BobCheeseburger
6-15-06
I AM LEVIATHAN, MIGHT LORD OF THE DEEP!
You wanna play Cluedo?
PALTRY FOOL! I AM YOUR GOD!
So where do you stand on the Cluedo issue?
Alright, but only if I can be Colonel Mustard.

 

by BobCheeseburger
6-15-06
Sup?
I got a letter from my girlfriend. I LOVE it when she writes to me.
It's just a letter, what's the big deal.
Dude, she's an octopus.
She writes with her vaginal fluids.

 

by BobCheeseburger
6-15-06
I just don't think it's fair.
You wanna eat or not?
Well, yeah...
But why do I always have to be the mermaid?
You look cute in the wig.

 

by BobCheeseburger
6-15-06
You wanna go in on a hooker?
I'm not really comfortable doing it in front of someone else.
Come on man, it's not a big deal.
That's easy for you to say, you're an eel.
Ha ha! Burn!

 

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Do you ever feel that life's a bit repetetive?
by BobCheeseburger, 6-15-06

 

by BobCheeseburger
7-30-06
I LOVE it when the ice-cream van comes around!
The guy can't leave his van because kids will steal his ice-cream.
I've been throwing dead birds at him for about 2 years now.

 

by BobCheeseburger
7-30-06
My parents gave me a magnifying glass for my birthday. I went straight outside and burned some ants.
Then I started thinking- What would happen if I got some petrol?
And used it on Grandma.

 

by BobCheeseburger
7-30-06
My dog died yesterday. Mom told me that he's up in heaven now, with God.
I don't know what God wants with a dead dog.
I guess it's some weird sexual stuff.

 

by BobCheeseburger
7-30-06
I dug up my dead dog so we could play again.
He always liked 'frisbee', but since he's dead I had to use him as the frisbee.
I guess the postman's going to skip our house from now on.

 

by BobCheeseburger
7-30-06
I miss being able to ride around on my dog, now that he's dead.
I reckon give it a week and he'll be stiff enough to mount wheels on.

 

by BobCheeseburger
7-30-06
I found out my grandma wears a wig.
If I add that to mom's dentures and uncle Jerry's glass eye, I'll be close to making myself a brother.

 

by BobCheeseburger
7-30-06
I just finished making a new "mouse hospital" out of cereal boxes.
I've got tissue box beds, toilet-paper roll ambulances and an ice-cream tub x-ray.
Mom broke my last one when she caught me operating with the good silverware.

 

by BobCheeseburger
7-30-06
I like my toilet.
It's like Superman's "Fortress of Solitude".
But with poop.

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