All comics by actorbean

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by actorbean
1-19-07
I heard The Pirate got an ablation.
A what, now?
Ablation.
Is that the new Nissan? That shit is TIGHT?
Your stupidity scares me more than clowns.
WOO! My Ablation is sittin' on DUBS, bitch!

 

by actorbean
1-22-07
Yo, Malcolm! Freakshow is telling everyone you got your nuts pierced, dawg!
Word. He ain't lyin'.
Are you KIDDING me? Christ, man!
Ain't nothin' but a thang. Wanna see?
Aaaaand...no. Fuck that noise.
Damn thing chipped my left canine, too.

 

by actorbean
1-22-07
Freakshow, I need a change...
My name is Fred, not Freakshow. What kind of change?
I'm not sure, Freaky-deaky...maybe a tattoo on my ass...
FRED. And your ass is covered in fur. No one would see it.
Good point, Freakdawg. Hey, what about getting my nuts pierced?
Hey, what about calling me Fred before I go all Kill Bill with this sword, mofo?

 

by actorbean
1-22-07
The Pirate.
Arrgh! I got me ablation, muhfuckas! No more red sea!
You gonna pimp it out? That shit would be BANGIN' with some spinners on it.
...what?
I will cut you.
We ridin' dirty! It better have cupholders!

 

by actorbean
1-26-07
Oh damn! What happened to Freakshow, Aich?
It was an allergic reaction to Jergens. You going to the hospital? I would, but...meh.
At the hospital
Fred's gonna be fine. I have to warn you, though...the Jergens REALLY made him break out.
Whatever. I ain't his daddy. I just wanna post his pic on Myspace. Let's do this.
Oooooooh, DAMN! Son, you gotta quit floggin' the dolphin and find you a chick!
I WAS MOISTERIZING!

 

by actorbean
1-26-07
...and I thrash your Orc with flaming arrows!
Oh yeah. I like the way you work it. No diggity.
Feel the power of my catapults, 1hot_dude02!
Yes. Oh God yes! I can FEEL it, warrior_chik0187! I can feel - OW! OW! It burns! It burns! ARRRGH!
...hello?
Well. This pretty much rules out the ol' webcam.

 

by actorbean
2-01-07
Man, I heard about your allergic reaction. I think I know something that might help you.
Anything! I'll do anything! I feel like Davy Jones from "Pirates of the Caribbean 2"!
OK. Honestly, I think you just need some Pu-Say. That'll cure what ails you.
Pu-Say? Never heard of it.
Yeeeeeeeeah, I'm pretty sure that's the problem.
Is it an ointment? Maybe I can get some from Mom.

 

by actorbean
2-08-07
Hey, Fred! You look, like, 100% better! What happened?
I took Malcolm and Baconman's advice, and got myself some Pu-Say. It TOTALLY worked.
Um...you took MALCOLM'S advice? Are you high? He's an idiot!
No, it was great! I found this guy on MLK Blvd, and he hooked me up.
Wait, wait - you got a woman...from a guy...on MLK?
Woman? No! Why would I need that? By the way, what exactly is a 'rimjob'?

 

by actorbean
2-13-07
DAMN, GIRL! Work it! You got that junk in your trunk! Pirate got BOOTY!
Arrgh...Don't...shank...not this time...let it go...
Your milkshake brings ALL the boys to the yard! Where you goin' with that onion booty? Look, it's so round, it made me cry!
Just keep walking...ignore him...this sweet ass ain't for him anyway...
You know, the last time I saw ass like that, Sir Mix-A-Lot was running away from it.
Holy Mother of our Lord Jesus, I'm funna break this hook off in your face. I'm not kidding.

 

by actorbean
2-16-07
Pirate gets a makeover
What up, yo?
PIRATE? Is that YOU? Aw, SHIT! You done went and got FINE on me!
Yeah, Baconman pissed me the fuck off, so I decided to hit the ol' Bowflex, just to show him what he ain't gettin'.
Damn. Your body is bangin' like a screen door in a hurricane now! But...um, what's that on your head?
It's a do-rag. All pirates wear them. You know this.
Uhhhhh, homie, you might wanna check a mirror. And you might wanna bring a rabies shot with you.

 

by actorbean
2-20-07
Pirate, that badger...is it alive? Oh my God, it is! That's so cruel!
Bitch, please. What's cruel is that it's costing me $75 a day to sport this rodent mofo.
But you just can't wear a living thing as an accessory!
Aich, just because YOU wear recycled Trojans doesn't mean I have to. Tear, drip, splash. Besides, he's getting paid.
Oh, well that's diff- wait. What the hell do you get from a BADGER that costs $75 a day?
Head rubs, neck massages, astrology, stock tips, and every now and then he eats someone's face. That costs extra.

 

by actorbean
2-25-07
Aich and Pirate argue over badger rights
Pirate, this is against nature! Darwin is shitting his dead-ass pants right now!
FINE! Badger, will you PLEASE tell this hippie heffa that everything's OK?
You know, I bet there's a burlesque show or a nice martini or a J with my name all over it.
Badger, if that hotness running down my neck ain't chicken noodle soup, I'm funna make some Uggs outta your ass!

 

by actorbean
3-04-07
"Rollin' down the street, smokin' endo, sippin' on gin and juice! LAAAAAAAAAAAID BACK!"
Malcolm...you're a squirrel. Why the hell are you so... ethnic?
Whatchu talkin' bout, G? I'm keepin' it real, fo' shizzle my nizzle! Break me off some mad props, Bake-dawg!
That's what I mean, right there. Why're you so...URBAN?
Sheeeeeeeeit, negro, don't hate the playa, hate the game! I'm the coach up in this mofo, holla back shawty!
Uh, Malcolm? 1997 called - it wants its slang back. And your copy of "New Jack City".

 

by actorbean
3-08-07
It just ain't right for a small woodland creature to talk like Tupac's broke-ass cousin. Maybe you need therapy.
Whateva. My game is screwed on tight, a'ight? Give me my props.
You have to recapture your true identity, Malcolm! You've been subverted by gangsta rap, BET, and spinning rims!
Say what? Who you callin' perverted? Yo mama's perverted, punk!
Oh HELLS no! No you di'nt! I'm about to get REAL black up in here. NOBODY talks about my mama!
Ain't my fault the bitch got a token slot on her head board. I be gettin' the all-day pass, myself. Holla!

 

by actorbean
3-14-07
Malcolm sees a therapist
Yo, for reals, thanks for squeezing me in, Dr. Mancuso. No Richard Gere jokes, either.
It's my pleasure, Malcolm. Why don't you tell me why you're here today?
Well, Doc, straight up, SOME people think that a brotha is actin' too down with the brown, you dig? I'm too "street" or whateva.
I can see where this may be a problem. Why don't you tell me when this all began?
The shit BEGAN when this giant talking strip of bacon beat my ass for talkin' shit about his moms, and --
Tami, cancel all my appointments this week. Seriously.

 

by actorbean
3-19-07
Malcolm in therapy
...So after seeing "Juice" 143 times in one summer, you suddenly turned black?
Omar Epps, man. Masterful performance. He convinced me HE was black, so I knew I must be, too.
But Omar Epps IS black - oh, forget it. I think an extremely aggressive course of therapy is required here, Malcolm.
Aw hell, Dr. Mancuso. What's it gonna be? Shock therapy? Memory regression? Hypnosis?
I'm thinking more like making you watch "The Brady Bunch" and "Leave It To Beaver" on DVD continuously from now till Labor Day.
I'm straight-up calling the AMA. That shit ain't EVEN right.

 

by actorbean
3-26-07
The new and improved Malcolm
Why, hello, Fred. Fancy seeing you here today. How's your mother?
Uh...Malcolm? Is that you?
Don't be silly, Frederick. Of course it's me. I've undergone racial personality reprogramming in therapy, that's all.
Wow, really? Seems like it worked out fairly well. You're not nearly as obnoxious or full of assholery.
I only ask about your mother because I heard that the kickstand on her peg leg got stuck in the 'Up' position. Tell the dear I asked about her.
Yeah sure, I'll tell her you asked -- HEY!

 

by actorbean
3-31-07
Hey, Malcolm! I heard about your personality reprogramming. How's it going?
Honestly Aich, not as well as I thought. I've had a couple of setbacks.
Don't give up hope. Sometimes these things take time.
You know, I was doing just fine until two days ago, really. Then the wheels kinda fell off...
What happened two days ago?
Well, Netflix finally sent me a copy of "Soul Plane". Game over.

 

by actorbean
4-07-07
OH MY GOD! Come quick, there was an accident on La Cholla! Carnage everywhere!
Jesus! Are you kidding me? What the hell happened?
Some crazy chick in an Equinox just plowed through a group of snow birds while they were going to Luby's. I didn't get a good look at her, though. She's fine, of course.
Baconman, who do you know with a 'Nox, a foul mouth, and a bad attitude?
...Shit. The Pirate.
Bingo. I'll get the stun baton and a muzzle.

 

by actorbean
4-21-07
The Accidental Pirate
Hey now, lemme holla atcha fo' a minute, mama! We can work somethin' out, right?
You'll be working my foot outta your ass if you don't step off. This is bullshit.
No need for anileprosy, baby. Let's coagulate a conversation, and propogandize a solution and shit.
Um...what? Do you even know what the fuck you're saying?
Now you're just insultizing my intellivision. My appreciosity for that developmentation is minimalistic.
Watching "In Living Color" on bootleg DVD is no subsitute for education. Get me a real agent before you get shanked, punk.

 

by actorbean
4-28-07
At Geico
So yeah, I need to - what the hell?
I am Sir Braxton, son of Toni and loyal protector of Geico. You shall not pass.
Um, yeah, I SHALL. And thou shalt get outta my damn WAY or feel the wrath of my flying scissor kick. I'm sick of this shit.
None have ever defeated me. I fear not your petty threats, for I am a knight of the Oval Table. Begone, wench!
3.4 seconds later...
Now - which floor are they on, punk?
3rd floor... 2nd door on the right... please call 911 for me... I think you dislocated my spine.

 

by actorbean
5-03-07
As Pirate makes her way through Geico...
What the fu...? I get the feeling you're gonna end up on the bad end of that axe. Take me to an account manager NOW!
I...I have to try to stop you. I'm middle management, and my review is coming up, and...
Oh, now you wanna compare our DAYS? I plowed through the elderly! I beat down a pimp! I slayed a knight! Outta my way, bitch!
Never! I worked too hard to go back to 3rd shift at Denny's! You'll see the account manager over my dead body!
3.4 seconds later...
Know what a carotid artery is, Paco? It's what's making that mess. Now, which way do I...
Down that hallway, then take a left...this is MY blood, isn't it? Damn. This suit is a rental.

 

by actorbean
5-10-07
Pirate reaches the upper levels of Geico
HEY! You there! I need to see the CEO, and with the quickness! My fist wants to talk about my coverage with his face.
Oooh, just a MOMent, please! He's been expecting you. How exCITing!
Hold up, princess. You look kinda familiar to me. Where do I know you from?
Have you seen all those Geico commercials with the Australian talking gecko, telling eveyone to make the switch?
Uh, yeah...but you don't look a DAMN thing like him.
Well, girlfriend, I made a switch, too. You like your coffee with or without penis? I like mine 'with'.

 

by actorbean
5-21-07
Office of the Geico CEO
What...the...hell?!?!
Hello, I'm the CEO of Geico, Inc. I understand you have a problem you wish to address with me?
What is this bullshit? Why the fuck do you LOOK like me? I mean I know I'm FINE, but...
We at Geico feel that a non-threatening presence would calm you more than the others we've presented thus far.
You know...even for MY ass, this is too much. I'm done. Just raise my premiums. I'm outtie.
Oh, so NOW you give up? After all that? Pussy. You know what, we'll handle your little claim. Take your punk ass to Esurance.com and don't come back.

 

by actorbean
5-27-07
Peace and love, Malcolm! Spreading love in the world today?
Whatever. I'm spreading jealousy, word. I'm just keepin' it real. 'Sup with you, hotness?
Hey, I'm looking for a good hemp dealer...I need a new hemp hoodie. This one's about through. Do you know someone?
Hemp dealer. Right. For a HOODIE. RIIIIIGHT. You can stop frontin'... I know what's up.
What's THAT supposed to mean? Are you saying I'm a pothead or something?
Oh, nothing. Nevermind MY ass. But when you smoke your OLD hoodie, remember: puff puff pass, baby! Hook a brotha UP!

 

by actorbean
6-03-07
I can't BELIEVE Malcolm! How dare he accuse me of being a pothead!
I know, right? That's some bullshit right there. The nerve of him!
He's such an asshole. Honestly, why do I even talk to him?
'Cause he gets the best shit in town, that's why. In fact, let's burn some right now. You down?
10 minutes later...
Duuuuuuuuuuude, that is some GOOD HOODIE! The pants were so-so, but I'm high as shit off 'em!
Bitch, you were already high as shit! You're having a converation with vegetation, Snoop Dogg!

 

by actorbean
6-27-07
Sergeant Fyr pays a visit
Ma'am, we've had several complaints about a suspicious-smelling cloud coming from this...uh...home.
I have no idea what you mean. I'm just hanging out with my friends, officer.
It's SERGEANT, ma'am. Respect my authority. Now, I'll need to investigate the property to clear all this up. Do I need a search warrant?
Shit no, dude. Just come on inside. It's all good.
20 minutes later
Damn...have I told you how freakin' SWEET those lights are, man? Like, seriously? ...Trippy.
Yeah, about 17 times. I don't even have electricity, man! And I told you not to bogart all my hydro, you damn pig. HA! I said "pig".

 

by actorbean
8-19-07
Daaaaaaaaaamn, if it ain't the pirate! Where you been, sugartits? On hiamus?
Busy. A bitch has shit to do from time to time. Recognize. Wait - did you just say "hiamus"?
Yeah, "hiamus". Like when a mofo ain't been doing shit for a long time. "I'm goin' on hiamus for a month while I'm on house arrest". Like that.
Um, I'm pretty sure you mean "hiatus", you furry-assed nutmuncher.
Hey, watch your mouf, heffa. People might hear you and get the wrong idea.
Oh, good point. Then you might have to go on hiamus or some shit. Can't have that.

 

by actorbean
9-27-07
What the hell's the matter with you, B-Man? Got some Tang in your eye or somethin'?
I ...I just watched "Saving Private Ryan" again...that movie just moves me so much.
Aw, man...you know, I get all choked up when I watch that, too. It gets so hard...
Malcolm! I think I respect you more now. I didn't know you had such depth of feeling for war movies.
War? Ooooooh, my bad. That happens when I watch "Shaving Ryan's Privates", not "Saving Private Ryan". Sorry, bruh.
You're going to hell.

 

by actorbean
9-27-07
Hey, you dropped something back there, woman.
Wo...? The FUCK? I KNOW you didn't just step to me like that, asshole. You better hope your insurance premiums are paid up.
Damn, kill the attitude, baby. I'm just tryin' to help you out, 'cause you obviously need it.
OK. This is what's gonna happen if you speak again. I'm taking out this earring, and beating your obnoxious ass with it. Try me, bitch.
9 seconds later...
...I think you broke my uvula...
Oh, and that thing I dropped? It was your fat ass. I'm kickin' rocks, fucker.

 

by actorbean
11-13-07
The Dinner Date
Malcolm, it was so sweet of you to invite me over for dinner! What brought this on?
Pffft. Ain't nothin' but a thang, girl. You know I'm nice like that sometimes. I'm not ALL bad, damn!
Still, you didn't have to. So, what's on the menu? Tofu? Bean sprouts? Organic lettuce and artichokes?
Um, I guess it depends, really...
Depends on what?
Depends on whatever you plan on cookin', beeyatch! Now fry me some okra and make it snappy, nappy.

 

by actorbean
12-19-07
What the fu...? Malcolm, is that you?
SHHH! I'm in disguise, waiting for the fat man to show up!
Who, Santa? What the hell for? He never leaves you shit anyway.
I know. That's why I'm incognegro, baby! I'm gonna put my foot in his jolly ass!
"Incognegro"? You seriously need professional help.
Good idea. Do you know Samuel L. Jackson's home number?

 

by actorbean
12-26-07
The Santa Trap
You dumbass! You cannot trap Santa!
Pfft. I got mad skills, girl. He can't TOUCH this!
But it's CHRISTMAS! If you didn't get presents, it's because you're an awful person!
Whatever. All I know is, he's gettin' JACKED tonight. I hope he's got insurance.
He's a magical holiday creature, Malcolm. How can you compete with that?
I've seen every David Blaine special on TV. BRING IT ON, FAT MAN!

 

by actorbean
1-08-08
'Twas the night before Christmas, which was Tuesday before last...
...Come on, fat bastard...come pick up this ass-whuppin' I got for you...
...Malcolm was waiting...
...and then I'm-a pull his beard, and slap Blitzer, and take a Wii outta his bag. That punk is MINE!
...to kick Santa's ass.
TWO trees? I've got a bad feeling about this.
Oh HELLS yeah, Shamu. You gonna need some Maalox after tonight, no doubt!

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