I visited Aretha Franklin's farm one summer, and there was a little horse coming out of a big horse! I said "WHAT'S GOING ON!!!" and she said "The mother horse is having a baby" and I said " Having a baby? WTF are you talking about?" She invited me into the farmhouse for some fresh biscuits and some Hebrew National salami, and told me all about that stuff (which I won't go into here!) and was really nice. When it was time to go, she asked me "What is your favorite album of mine?" and I said "Who are you?" and she said "I am Aretha Franklin." I sure liked her farm.

---
Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

Can someone find out what this means to me? Because I have no idea.

Then you must be in one of your rare sober phases.

---
I was gonna send a robot back in time, but I got high.

H-O-R-S-E Baby.

---
ken.kaufman@gmail.com

I once shook hands with Abe Lincoln.

No, it's not what you're thinking.

Me and two buddies were returning home from Cincinnati after taking in a Reds game. We stopped at a rest area in Kentucky. Some guy dressed like Abraham Lincoln was standing outside in front of the restrooms. We shook his hand and two of us had our picture taken with him.

After we'd been back on the road about 10 minutes, my friend said, "Hey, Abe Lincoln stole my wallet!" Luckily, he was kidding. To this day, however, I don't know what Abe was doing at that rest area in Kentucky.

---
Chicken Feather Bed Bugs Bunny Hop Sing Out Side Street Walker Texas Ranger Cookie Dough Boy Wonder Years

I think I know...

[Click to view comic: 'Emancipation']

I think I mentioned once in a thread somewhere how I sold pineapple juice to Kirk Cameron once at Disneyland when Growing Pains was still on. A co-worker pointed him out to me because I didn't notice, saying, "That's the guy from Growing Pains." I looked over at Kirk Cameron's dad and said, "That is not Alan Thicke."

I have a few other celeb encounters, but they're all b-list, so I keep forgetting them.

God dammit biped, this is why I love you so.

Why, i meet myself everyday. then i proced to stock and harass myself, upon wich i get a restraining order against me, where i cant come nearer than 100 yards of myself.

it's hard being a Celebrity Schizophrenic.

---
There was once a man who said:"nothing is true!". Although later it was found out that he was lying.

I've met quite a few pre-famous celebrities. Once they're famous, though, you don't want to know them because they simply want to keep the fame and they turn into people you don't recognize.

I keep waiting for my best friend to get a modeling contract so I can write a book exposing her.

---
Mediocrity at its most average.

Aren't you in a Ron Jeremy DVD?

I met Dominic Diamond in the toilets of the QMU one night and asked him how to defeat the final boss in Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. He sighed, told me to fuck off, then left.

It wasn't until later that I noticed he also pissed on my shoes.

---
Dad was flammable

Dominik Diamond? That was me.

And that wasn't piss.

I met Tommy Lee Jones in Madison, WI once. He bought me a beer. I was 19 and he was dreamy.

---
dcomposed:11-06-05: If I was a viking invading your village, you'd be the first to get raped.
Crabby: 10/5/06: i would love to feed you fresh fruit while bathing you.

I sat on Boss Hogg's lap when I was 7.

That's about it for me, though. Unless following Scotty Bowman into the bathroom at the old Aud in Buffalo for an autograph counts.

---
I has a flavor!

I guy who played a recurring role in 24 was in my graduating class. Seriously. Oh, the stories I could tell. Like the time he said, "Excuse me" once to me in the hallway. What a character!

---
I was gonna send a robot back in time, but I got high.

I once met someone who knew the cousin of Bubble off Big Brother.

I once shared a "moment" with Tatanka at a WWF wrestling event in the Kings Hall, Belfast.

It was deeply disturbing.

---
"You grew up like brothers, and your teachers must have told you that North and South must not fight!

I hate country music, but I met most of the members of the band Rascall Flatts. I also met Jay Leno at a Ford meeting at which he was performing. And I've met a few players on the Chicago Bears and Green Bay Packers.

Aren't you in a Ron Jeremy DVD?

Why, yes. Yes, I am. I didn't actually meet The Hedgehog, but I was at a public appearance he did which ended up in the documentary about him.

[Click to view comic: 'There Go My Political Ambitions']

I ran into Jamie Walters, who played Ray Pruitt on Beverly Hills 90210, in a Ducatti repair shop when I lived in Los Angeles in the Nineties. He played the sensitive working-class, aspiring rock star who dated Tori Spelling on the show at the time. He also played a sensitive, working-class rock star on a failed Fox drama called The Heights and had a minor hit with the song, "How Do You Talk To An Angel?"

Anyway, he came limping into the shop, so i walked around to the other side of his bike and saw that he had obviously laid it down while riding.

That night, I told my roommate about the encounter and he asked me what I did when I recognized him. I said I punched him in the nose and shouted, "THAT'S FOR PUSHING DONNA DOWN THE STAIRS!" My roommate asked, "Really?"

I met Eddie Vedder backstage at a concert once and he autographed my sweatshirt. Sadly, it started smelling really bad after 5 months of wear so I washed it. The signature disappeared. The sentimental value is still there, however.

I also talked to the crossdresser serial killer from Joe Dirt, he was buying eggs and porn at my local supermarket.

---
It's grime time.

I met the guys of blue.skies.at.war the other day. They came into the store because they were playing at a houseparty and had no idea where this house was.

they're a pop-punk-emo band from calgary.

---
Okay, Lindsay, are you forgetting that I was a professional twice over - an analyst and a therapist. The world's first analrapist.

I should also mention that my mom waited on Dennis Quaid at the restaurant she used to work at. He was extremely drunk and smelly, and clumsily flirted with her at every opportunity.

---
It's grime time.

My sister used to be good friends with Theresa Sokyrka, who was second place in this years Canadian Idol and recently released an album. I met her once. She turned into a bitch though, so my sister isn't friends with her anymore.

---
Poop.

Also had the experience of shaking hands and speaking to Lamar Alexander and jazz drummer Elvin Jones (not at the same time).

Once dated a girl whose Aunt had been married to Paul Simon. Okay, that's more of a degrees-of-separation thing.

I've been at Great American Ballpark in Cinci each of the previous two seasons that Ken Griffey, Jr. suffered severe hamstring injuries. Both times he was trying to leg out a double. I'm not going there this year, so maybe he'll be okay.

Gave a ride home to author and holocaust survivor Mira Ryczke Kimmelman. Granted, she's not a celebrity, but it was an honor and privilege to meet her and hear her story.

---
Chicken Feather Bed Bugs Bunny Hop Sing Out Side Street Walker Texas Ranger Cookie Dough Boy Wonder Years

I used to shoot heroin with Ace Frehley. He used to say, "that's enough man, I've got a show to do tonight", but I'd always manage to talk him into riding that H-Train just one more stop.

---
I was gonna send a robot back in time, but I got high.