Oh, and I thought this had to be posted here somewhere, and since it's about roleplayers, I decided on this thread. Warning, long as hell.
396 Spells not Worth Memorizing
Acid Trip
Affect Abnormal Fires
Affect Normal Foyers
Breathing (land-dwellers only)
Airshape (like Stoneshape, but with normal air)
Airy Air
Alamir's Freeway Breakdown
Alamir's Fundamental Theorem
Algorhythm I-III (sp?)
Anger God
Animate Bread
Anti-Anti-Magic Shell (Pro-Magic Shell?)
Anti-Magic Eggshell
Anti-Magic Magic Missle
Anti-Magic Magic Mouth
Antipathy Orb
Audible Hammer (of the M.C. variety)
Auditable Glamour
Augmented Chord I, II, III, IV, V, VI, VII
Bad Lighting
Badly Programmed Illusion
Become Dead (reverse of Resurrect Self)
Bigby's Assertive Finger
Bigby's Clenched Teeth
Bigby's Critically Fumbling Hand
Bigby's Glove (colors the various Bigby's Hand spells, no bonus)
Bigby's Groping Hand
Bigby's Hairy-Palmed Hand
Bigby's Insulting Hand (the second finger is rather prominent)
Bigby's Limp-Wristed Hand
Bigby's Shadow-Animal Making Hands
Bigby's "Shush"ing Hand
Black & White Spray
Blind Self
Bold Monster
Bookworm Blast
Break-Wind Wall
Break the Wind
Bubbling Rainstorm
Burning Hands (Yours, ouch)
Can Trip (And does!)
Change Elf
Charm Dead
Charm Friends
Charm Groupie
Charm Potted Plants
Charm Self
Charm Undead (X rated version)
Cheeseball
Circling the Square (i.e. Times, Trafalger, Tiannemen)
Clause of the Lawyer
Clear Audience (usually follows Delayed Blast Flatulence)
Clone Undead
Clown
Color Safe Spray
Compulsive Disorder
Cone of Bubbles
Conjure Emmenthaler
Contact This Plane
Continual Bad Lighting
Continual Right (a political spell)
Control Casting Time (controls the casting time of this spell only)
Control Feather
Copyright Shroud
Crass Suggestion
Create Coat Hanger
Cure Animal Hide
Cure Light Winds
Cure Smoked Ham
Cure STD
Current Life
Cylons, 10' Radius
Cymbal
Dalamar's Whoopee Cushion (things that make you go hmmmm)
Darkness, 15 micron radius
Daylight (material components: must be cast outdoors in bright sunlight)
Deathwish
Deeppocket Lint
Delayed Blast Cantrip
Delayed Blast Flatulence
Delayed Blast Spitball
Demand Blindness
Demi-Shadow Puppets
Deny Reality
Detect Crying
Detect Dead (Yep, he's dead alright...)
Detect Detect Spells
Detect Hound
Detect Lightning Bolts (area: 5')
Detect Pervert
Detect Pink Bunny Rabbits
Detect Self (allows you to see if you are yourself)
Detect Strikes and Spares
Detect Tragic (oooh, theres a sad happening over there!)
Detect Unseen Butler
Detect Visibility (Yep, I can see that)
Detect Weevil
Detect Wind
Differentiate Without Error (Hey, you never know...)
Dimension Doorknob
Dispell Nonmagical Reptiles & Amphibians
Dispurse Self
Doug
Doug's Generic Spell
Drain Vaccuum
Draw Upon Religious Right
Drawmij's Court Summons
Drawmij's Instant Cake Mix
Drawmij's Instant Coffee (components: hot water and cup)
Drawmij's Instant Death (Drawmij's CON must be about -30 by now...)
Earthly Chorus
Enchanted Toothpick
Enlightening Bolt
Enrage Dragon
ESPN
Ethertalk
Evard's Black Growth (range: 0)
Evard's Black Testicles
Evard's Blue Testicles
Explosive Familiar (it's *your* familiar)
Explosive Friends
Extension Cord I, II, and III
Extinguish Match (casting time: 5 rounds)
Face Grasp
Fear of Sunmotes
Feather Brain
Feather Flail
Feign Life (as if the caster has one)
Feign Orgasm
Find Acquaintance
Find Floor (somatic component: falling on face)
Find Hand
Finger of Near-Fatal Injury
Finger of Plead
Fire Alarm
Fire Rap
Fire Stick
Fireball (reversed)
Fiscal Projection
Fist of Flesh
Fleshskin (range: self)
Fool's Lead
Foresee Unseen Butler
Forget Spells (area: self)
Forehead
Foreskin
Fourier's Transformation
Furball
Furry Fire
Gaze at Reflection
Geese
Get Flu
Get Life
Glassteal (swipe that beermug from that unsuspecting peasant)
Globe of Vulnerability
Grate
Graze reflection (if someone hurts your knee)
Guess Alignment
Hair Extension I, II, III
Hallucinatory Escape
Hallucinatory Train
Hand of Skin
Hatch Egg (somatic component: sit on egg)
Heal Monster (only works on opponents during combat)
Heel
Hold Bladder
Hold Mustard
Hold Self
Hornung's Gas
Hornung's Police Dispatcher
Housefly
Hug Self
Illusion Debugger (for Badly Programmed Illusions)
Illusionary Crypt
Iggy's Invisible Illusion
Illegal Thoughts (That serving wench looks older than 18)
Implosive Runes
Impress Plants
Improper Suggestion
Indirection (address register postincrement)
Indivisibility (The caster is a prime number)
Insect Plague, 5' Radius
Integrate (reversible, Differentiate)
Invisibility to Inanimate Objects
Invisibility to Dead
Invisible Talker
Irritate Self
Kender Summoning I, II, III
Kitchen Sink
Knock Knock
Know Own Alignment
Know Person (in the biblical sense of the word...)
Kooshball
Legend Bore
Legend Lore, Extended Dance Mix
Leomund's Condemned Shelter
Leomund's Grass Hut
Leomund's Mortgaged Shelter
Leomund's Risky Tax Shelter
Leomund's Secure Chest Cavity
Leomund's Sturdy Music Box
Leomund's Tap
Leomund's Underfunded Homeless Shelter
Level Water
Lightning Blot
Limited Dish (Sorry sir, the Dover Sole is off)
Limited Wash
Locate Right Hand
Locate Self (tells you where you are, relative to your location)
Locate Tongue (requires verbal component)
Locate Wizard (the _nearest_ wizard)
Lorloveim's Shady Deal
Lose Familiar (Get lost, ya wee booger!)
Lower Cholesterol Level
Lower Inhibitions
Maggot Missle
Magic Boomeranging Missile
Magic Gristle
Magic Missal (A really boring prayersheet)
Magic Moth
Magic Orifice
Magic Shotglass (as opposed to Magic Jar)
Mail of the Banshee (victim gets letter saying "Waaaaaahh...")
Maize
Matrix Addition
Mauve Earth
Meld, Canasta Version
Melf's Acid Bow
Melf's Acid Trip
Melf's Minute Rice
Melodramatic Phantom Defenders
Memorize Spell
Meteor Swan
Micrometeorite Storm
Mildly Surprising Grasp
Minor Delousing
Mistaken Identify
Mistaken Thought (Gee, guys, it _looked_ like a Gas Spore)
Moaning Spirit
Mordenkainen's Agnostic Hound
Mordenkainen's Aroused Hound (can't get it off of the nearest leg)
Mordenkainen's Big Ears (+1 to all hearing checks, ear size quadrupled)
Mordenkainen's Bored Cat
Mordenkainen's Celery
Mordenkainen's Conjunction (Conjunction Junction, what's your function?)
Mordenkainen's Faithful Mosquito
Mordenkainen's Freeway Junction
Mordenkainen's Lubrication
Mordenkainen's Sword, -1 Backbiter
Mordenkainen's Unfaithful Wife
Move Venus
Muenster Summoning I-VII
Murder Darkness
Murdoch's Featherless Fryer (Verbal component: "Butterball")
Murdock's Feathery Pillow
Nahal's Banana Peel (appears under random ally's foot)
No Time
No Vacancy
Nystul's Undetectible Aura
Otiluke's Happy Fun Sphere
Otiluke's Resilient Ear
Otiluke's Room Temperature Sphere
Otto's Irresistible Disco-Duck
Otto's Resistable Dance
Paraphrase Magic
Part Hair
Pastel Blade of Warm Fuzzies (9th level Drow spell)
Penultimate Fall
Phantasmal Fork
Phantasmal Morse
Phantasmal Thriller
Plane XOR
Polymorph Mother
Power Word Missing
Power Word, NO!
Power Word, Noogie
Power Word, Puke
Power Word, Pun
Power Word, Smirk
Power Word, Spam
Power Word, Wedgie
Protection from Catnips
Protection from Elvis, 10' Radius
Protection from Evil Kenevil (sp?)
Protection from Halitosis
Protection from Normal Air
Protection from Normal Missals
Protection from Normal Oxygen
Protection from Normal Pillows
Protection from Self
Protection from Weevil
Psychoanalyze Without Error (Zo, ven dit you shtop lofink your mutter?)
Purge Memory
Putrefy Offal
Rainbow Enhancer
Random Casualty
Rary's Mnemonic Cancer (eats away at those favorite spells)
Rary's Mnemonic Device (makes silly acronyms out of things)
Rary's Pneumonic Cough (range: self)
Read Common
Rectum of Retention
Reincarnation Door
Remove Hand (yours)
Remove Minus Sign (reversible)
Remove Nurse ("Good-Byyyeeee Nurse!")
Remove Reality
Remove Self
Remove Strong Language
Reservation
Rest Erection
Resurrect Living
Resurrect Self (problem: must be alive to cast the spell)
Reverse Graffiti
Rice Storm
Rock Summoning I
Sepia Cake Sigil
Serten's Smell Immunity
Sheepskin
Shocking Gasp (usually follows Tenser's Shocking Suggestion)
Silence of the Lambs, 15' radius
Sleep with Dead (yuck... unless you're a real Necromancer)
SmorgasMorph
Soap-on-a-Rope Trick
Solid Frog
Speak With Boring Monsters
Speak With Dead Plants
Speak With Grateful Dead
Speak With Living (components: two tin cans and a string)
Speak WIth Mud
Speak With Self
Sucker (for those of you who actually cast the spell)
Summon Allergy
Summon Death (Death arrives and kills the caster)
Summon Self
Swift Envelope
Tape Mount
Tasha's Controllable Mildly Unpleasant Laughter
Tasha's Uncontrollable Bladder
Tasha's Uncontrollable Hideous Daughter (a.k.a. 'Sela')
Tasha's Uncontrollable Hideous Die Rolls
Tasha's Uncontrollable Hideous Flatulence
Tasha's Uncontrollable Hideous Gesture
Tasha's Uncontrollable Hideous Hand
Tax Avoidance
Taunt a Second Time
Teleport Environment
Teleport With Lots of Errors
Teleport Without Destination
Teleport Without Terror
Tenser's Double-Sided, Double Density Disk
Tenser's Floating Point
Tenser's Formatted Disk
Tenser's Gloating Disk
Tenser's Shocking Suggestion (you want to WHAT??!)
Tenser's Slipped Disk
Tenser's Deadly Resurrection
Tensor Transformations
This Space for Rent (fills up space on a scroll or in a mage's memory)
Time Start
Tonguetwister Change
Tons
Transmute Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust (priest spell)
Transmute Friends to Enemies
Transmute Head to Butt
Transmute RGB to HSV
Transmute Rock to Stone (reversible)
Transmute Rock to Jazz
Trap the Sole (see Limited Dish)
Turn Friends Into Enemies
Turn Pebble (rotation, not banishment)
Undefined Symbol
Unenlightening Bolt
Unheard Servant
Unscented Cloud
Unseen Manservant
Unseen Pervert
Unseen Sympathy
Vampiric Breathing (perfect for harassing phone calls)
Vampiric Crutch
Varnish
Visible Stalker
Walk
Wall of Dog
Wall of Horse
Wall of Non-Dairy Creamer
Wall of Normal Air
Wall of Paper
Wall of Velcro
Waste
Wink
Wizard Eyebrow
Wizard Lick
Wizard Nostril
Wizard Stain
You Wish!
ZX-Spectral Force
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The 25 Types of Players
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The Real Man
"Hot Diggity!! Gnoll outpost at twelve o'clock!! CHAAAAAAAARGE!!!"
The Real Roleplayer
"Don't start yet!! I need my two minutes to get properly into character."
The Loonie
"I sheathe my longsword and kiss the ogre on the lips."
The Munchkin
"Five arch-devils and two demigods? That's ALL?! I guess I'll only need to use six of my rings for this encounter."
The Coward
"Yikes! Three kobolds!! Retreat! Retreat!"
The Troublemaker
"Just before the Mayor gives his speech to the town, I cast `command - vomit' on him."
The Novice
"I just rolled a 2 on my `to hit' roll. Did I want high or low?"
The Tactician
"The archer will move silently into position behind the podium, carefully aiming at the sergeant. The mage will remain behind the door in preparation of a `sleep' spell which will be centered at the table around which are the bulk of the guards. Meanwhile, the fighter and I . . ."
The Quiet Type
"I dunno . . . I lob off another arrow at the monster this round, I guess."
The Punster
"You know how many clerics it takes to fix a light bulb? One to cast `cure light'."
The PC Infighter
"Since Ruth's been such a twit, I hit her in the face with my flail while she's casting her `find familiar' spell."
Joe I-Got-the-Rules-Down-Pat
"No, if you look in the DMG, page 87, paragraph 5, you'll find this spell won't affect griffons."
The Whiner
"Three points?! I take THREE POINTS OF DAMAGE!?! Frank, what the hell kind of grudge do you have against me?"
The Bully
"Are you sure I don't make my saving throw? Are you ABSOLUTELY sure? Do you want to keep your nose the way it is, Lou?"
Mr. Greedy
"So it's not evil? And it's not attacking? So what! I WANT THAT XP!!!!"
The Cheater
"I roll an... 18! It hits!" [Quickly grabs dice.]
The Chastiser
"And you DIDN'T SEE THAT TRAP COMING? Hahahaha!! Just how long did you say you've been playing this game?"
The Kamikaze Guy
"I jump off our perch, taking careful aim to land dead center on the hobgoblin patrol. Just before I hit the ground, though, I set off the `fire trap' on all my nine flasks of oil."
The Good Roller
"Oh, looky here. An 03 on percentile dice. If that door was trapped, I just found something."
The Bad Roller
"Oh, damn it all!! *Another* critical fumble!!"
The Braggart
"The thought of you attacking me isn't even interesting. I could get off a `sleep' spell and slit your unconscious throat before you even get your longsword out of its sheath."
The Reminiscer
"Say, y'know, this is like the time our party thief spent twenty minutes trying to lock-pick an unlocked door."
Goody Two-Shoes
"Wait a minute. Even if they are orcs, we just can't kill them when they're asleep and can't defend themselves."
The Overoptimistic Daydreamer
"After we get through this campaign, and have gained about nine, ten levels, I'm going to buy me the finest battle axe +3 money can buy."
Short-Attention-Span Man
"Hmmm? What? Are we attacking now?"
-------------------------------------------------------
The 28 Types of Game Master
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Munchkin:
"Having slain the hordes of Azoth single-handedly, without even unsheathing the Sword of Universal Destruction, your half grey elven/half gold dragon 50th-level paladin/MU/Cleric/Monk/Bard gazes down upon the pitiful Cthulhu who grovels at his feet...''
Monty Haul:
(variation on the Munchkin, but characters tend to be lower level) "You are each granted one wish.'' "I wish to have the hand and eye of Vecna.'' "I wish to have the flask of Teurny the Merciless.'' "I wish to have...'' "Poof, they appear in front of you. Now what do you do?'' (This actually happened, years ago, when we first started playing.)
Whining Munchkin:
"But, but, you guys CAN'T do that! It's my only dungeon! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaail!''
Killer Munchkin:
"You guys are dead.''
Killer:
"As you pull aside the tapestry, a green slime jumps upon you from behind it, killing you... nope, no `to hit' or saving throw allowed, it says so right here.''
Executioner:
"A hidden blade slides down the doorway, mincing the two fighters and the cleric. The thief gets nine crossbow bolts in his back, and the magic user is hit by an intense beam of light, burning a hole through his head.''
Troublemaker:
Singles out one player and continually hands him/her notes which read "Don't let anyone know there is nothing on this note.''
Cheater:
"I don't care if you hit on an 18 LAST time, THIS time you missed, and I don't want to hear another thing about it.''
Die Modifier:
"Yeah, yeah, so you rolled a 20. You missed. Secret modifiers, you know.''
Enforcer:
"A blue bolt from heaven strikes Harold the Whiner, reducing him to one hit point. Anybody else got a problem with this campaign?''
Novice:
"You rolled a 2 on your `to hit' roll. Did you want high or low?''
Verbose:
"The door is solid oak, bound with 4 iron bands of roughly equal width, spaced equidistant along its width, and the wood is polished smooth, stained a dark brown, except for a small patch near the bottom which is blacker. The hinges are not visible from this side, but you notice the exquisite design of the lock, the faceplate of which is a starburst design, edged in gold or maybe polished copper or brass, it's kind of hard to tell with the torchlight, but the knocker is definitely cast iron and you see...'' (sounds of snoring from party members)
Poker Face:
"The slave you rescued courteously accepts your offer to accompany you and thanks you for your trust in her...''
No Poker Face:
"The slave you rescued, hee hee, courteously accepts your offer, snort, to accompany you and thanks you for your trust in her, hah hah... boy are you gonna get it now... giggle...''
Timid:
"The orc hits you for 4 points of damage, if that's OK with you, Steve. Really, you've got 17 hit points left and he has only 2, so you'll be okay, OK?''
DePalma school of blood and gore:
"Your magic drill cleaves the demon's skull in twain and it literally explodes, spattering everyone with blood and brains. An unsightly green ichor drips from your face as you watch the smoldering corpse churn before you like a baby in a blender and finally settle into a puddle of vomit and excrement...''
Gibson school of writing graduate:
"The view in the crystal ball was the colour of television, tuned to a dead channel.''
Vengeful:
"You won't go out with me Saturday? Okay, all of the were-rats attack Christine.''
AD&D'er:
"The 100 peasants beat at your fighter ineffectually with their sticks and pitchforks until you have slain them all. A heroic effort on your part.''
Anti-AD&D'er:
"The 100 peasants overbear your fighter with their great numbers and, unable to move under the weight of their hordes, you squirm helplessly as they pry open your field plate and skewer you like a lobster. You die an ignoble death.''
Stickler For Detail:
"Taking into account atmospheric conditions, the acceleration due to gravity, the low drag coefficient of your greased plate mail, your high dexterity, the gold in your backpack, your associated credit rating, the eggs you had for breakfast... and the average number of chickens who would remain inside the coop on a warm day, you have to roll 13 or better to survive the fall...''
No Originality:
"It's a quest, see, you're trying to take this ring to Mordor, to drop it into a volcano to destroy it. No,no, honest, I thought of this campaign myself...''
Leading and Overbearing:
"You pump the bartender for information and he tells you about a red dragon's lair to the west.'' "Too risky. We go to hear rumours somewhere else.'' "A man offers to hire you to clean out a red dragon's lair for him.'' "We say `no, thank you' and leave for the next village.'' "On the way to the village you stumble onto a red dragon's lair...''
Schmuck:
"Oh. Can someone really do that? Okay, I'll let you have a 50% chance. Oh. Okay, 75% then.''
Ghoul:
"That's the 17th character you rolled tonight? Muahahahahahahahahahah!''
Absolute Monarch:
"The huge Red Dragon CAN fit through the little hole, 'cause I SAID SO!''
Unimaginative:
"You walk into the bar and see thirty mercenaries all wearing scalemail and carrying longswords. They all sit at seperate tables.''
Design Zealot:
"I just need another 15 minutes. I only have 3 more levels to populate.''
-------------------------------------------------------
Real Men, Real Roleplayers, Loonies and Munchkins
-------------------------------------------------------
The Real Man:
The tough macho type who walks up to the attacking dragon and tells him to leave before he gets hurt.
The Real Roleplayer:
The intelligent cunning guy who tricks the constable into letting you all out of prison.
The Loonie:
The guy who will do anything for a cheap laugh, including casting a fireball at ground zero.
The Munchkin:
Need we say more?
=== PLAYER RELATIONSHIPS ===
REAL MEN:
Real Men think they're brothers in arms.
Real Roleplayers hide behind them.
Loonies harass them with stupid suggestions.
Munchkins say "I'm a Real Man, too!"
REAL ROLEPLAYERS:
Real Men protect them, on the off chance they may come up with something useful.
Real Roleplayers sigh with relief to know they're not alone, and then get their characters involved in love affairs and death feuds.
Loonies harass them with stupid suggestions.
Munchkins say "I'm a Real Roleplayer, too!"
LOONIES:
Real Men ignore them.
Real Roleplayers sometimes harass them back by taking a stupid suggestion and making it work.
Loonies declare a pie fight at 20 paces . . . and cheat.
Munchkins try to imitate the jokes, and fall flat.
MUNCHKINS:
Real Men attack them on sight.
Real Roleplayers trick them into being cannon fodder.
Loonies make reasonable-sounding suggestions that will get the Munchkin killed in an amusing way.
Munchkins query, "What's a Munchkin?"
=== GENERIC ===
Favorite FRPG:
Real Men play AD&D
Real Roleplayers play RuneQuest III
Loonies play Toon
Munchkins play anything by TSR
Favorite SFRPG:
Real Men play Star Trek: The Roleplaying Game
Real Roleplayers play Space Opera
Loonies play a variant Spawn of Fashan
Munchkins play anything by TSR
Favorite 1920's RPG:
Real Men play Gangbusters
Real Roleplayers play Call of Cthulhu
Loonies play a very variant Spawn of Fashan
Munchkins play anything by TSR
Favorite SHRPG:
Real Men play Champions
Real Roleplayers play Superworld
Loonies play an extremely variant Spawn of Fashan
Munchkins play anything by TSR
Favorite Modern Day/Spy RPG:
Real Men play James Bond, 007
Real Roleplayers play Justice, Inc.
Loonies play an unrecognizable variant Spawn of Fashan
Munchkins play anything by TSR
Favorite Post-Holocaust RPG:
Real Men play Twilight 2000
Real Roleplayers play The Morrow Project
Loonies play an extremely unrecognizable variant of Spawn of Fashan
Munchkins play anything by TSR
Favorite King Arthurian RPG:
Real Men play Chivalry and Sorcery
Real Roleplayers play Pendragon
Loonies play a variant of Spawn of Fashan so variant it shouldn't be called Spawn of Fashan anymore
Munchkins play anything by TSR
Favorite World/Setting:
Real Men play in Greyhawk/Sanctuary
Real Roleplayers play in Glorantha
Loonies play in Southern California
Munchkins play wherever has the most magic items
Favorite Gaming Magazine:
Real Men read The General
Real Roleplayers read White Dwarf
Loonies read the last few pages of Dragon/comic books
Munchkins read anything by TSR
=== FANTASY ===
Favorite Dungeon Activity
Real Men fight Red Dragons
Real Roleplayers bluff the Ogres
Loonies tell dirty jokes to Green Slime
Munchkins do whatever gives the most experience/rip each other off
Favorite Melee Weapon:
Real Men use Broadswords/Bastard Swords/Pole Axes
Real Roleplayers use Rapiers and Main-Gauches
Loonies use Stage Knives
Munchkins use whatever gives the most plusses
Favorite Thrown Weapon:
Real Men throw Spears/Javelins
Real Roleplayers throw Bolas
Loonies throw their friends' magic items
Munchkins throw whatever gives the most plusses
Favorite Missile Weapon:
Real Men shoot Long Bows/Composite Bows
Real Roleplayers shoot Crossbows
Loonies shoot Catapults loaded with offal
Munchkins shoot whatever gives the most plusses
Favorite Improvised Weapon in Barroom Brawl:
Real Men use bare hands/tables
Real Roleplayers use chairs, chair legs or pokers
Loonies use plastic Pepsi bottles or toothpaste
Munchkins use, you guessed it, whatever gives the most plusses
Favorite Improvised Thrown Weapons:
Real Men throw Munchkins (can you blame them?)
Real Roleplayers throw beer mugs, pool balls and rocks
Loonies throw Nerf frisbees
Munchkins are too busy running from the Real Men/Whatever gives the most plusses
Favorite AD&D Spell:
Real Men cast Fireballs
Real Roleplayers cast Find the Path
Loonies cast Otto's Irresistible Nose-Picking
Munchkins cast Smite Ruler and Transfer Loyalty of Populace
Favorite RQ3 Spirit Spell:
Real Men cast Bladesharp 10 on their swords
Real Roleplayers cast Demoralize on their foes
Loonies cast Befuddle on their friends
Munchkins cast Fireball
Favorite RQ3 Sorcery Spell:
Real Men cast Dominate Human on others
Real Roleplayers cast Damage Resistance on their familiars/themselves
Loonies cast Dominate Human on themselves
Munchkins cast Meteor Swarm
Favorite RQ3 Divine Spell:
Real Men cast Berserker on themselves
Real Roleplayers cast Heal Body
Loonies cast Face Chaos on the Crimson Bat
Munchkins cast Timestop
Favorite GURPS Magic Spell:
Real Men don't use magic, but they'll let the mage cast Hawk Flight on them so they can pursue the foe
Real Roleplayers cast Lend Language on the strangers they meet
Loonies cast Mystic Mist in the town square
Munchkins cast Enslave on the city guard
Favorite AD&D Psionic Ability:
Real Men use Body Weaponry
Real Roleplayers use Shape Alteration
Loonies use Sea Anemone Hypnosis
Munchkins use Assume Godhood
Favorite Alignment:
Real Men are Lawful Good
Real Roleplayers don't use alignment
Loonies are Amoral Silly
Munchkins are whatever gives the most plusses
Favorite Religious-type Character:
Real Men play Paladins
Real Roleplayers play Clerics
Loonies play street preachers
Munchkins play Demigods
Favorite Non-Human PC:
Real Men play Dwarfs
Real Roleplayers play Morokanths
Loonies play a Dwarf-Elf halfbreed
Munchkins play whatever gives the most plusses/Demi-gods
Favorite Undead to Summon:
Real Men summon Ghosts
Real Roleplayers summon Wraiths
Loonies send in an AD&D troll wearing a sheet
Munchkins summon Cerberus
Favorite Way of Extracting Information from the Goblins:
Real Men torture them
Real Roleplayers cast Legend Lore/Telepathy/Mind Read
Loonies tell puns to them
Munchkins peek behind the GM's shield
Favorite Demon/Devil:
Real Men like Asmodeus
Real Roleplayers like Cacodemon
Loonies like Spiro Agnew
Munchkins like Satan's grandfather
Favorite God:
Real Men worship Humakt/Orlanth
Real Roleplayers worship Issaries/Lhankor Mhy
Loonies worship Hare Krishna
Munchkins worship whoever gives the most plusses
Favorite Miscellaneous Magic Item:
Real Men love Adamantine Claws
Real Roleplayers love Repulsor Rays
Loonies love Radioactive Teeth/+3 Kleenex
Munchkins love Uru's Hammer
Favorite Potion:
Real Men drink potions of Superheroism
Real Roleplayers drink potions of Animal/Plant Control
Loonies drink potions of Jell-O
Munchkins drink potions of Deity Control
Favorite Ring:
Real Men wear rings of Elemental Control
Real Roleplayers wear rings of Free Action
Loonies wear rings of Smurf Control
Munchkins wear rings of Infinite Wishes/the One Ring
Favorite Stick (Rod/Staff/Wand):
Real Men wield staves of Striking
Real Roleplayers wield wands of Healing
Loonies wield rods of styrofoam
Munchkins wield staves of Deity Power
Favorite Armor:
Real Men wear Plate Mail
Real Roleplayers wear Elven Chainmail
Loonies wear Horse Barding
Munchkins wear powered armor a la Starship Troopers
Favorite Helm:
Real Men wear a Helm of Brilliance
Real Roleplayers wear a Helm of Telepathy
Loonies wear a Helm of Blindness (``Works great against medusas'')
Munchkins wear a Helm of 360-Degree Vision with Force Field
Favorite Shield:
Real Men don't use shields (can't wield a two-handed weapon)
Real Roleplayers use a Kite Shield
Loonies use a panty shield
Munchkins don't get the previous joke/use a Shield of Automatic Parry
Favorite Glove/Gauntlet:
Real Men fight bare-handed
Real Roleplayers wear Gloves of Dexterity
Loonies wear THE Glove of Michael Jackson Charisma
Munchkins wear Gauntlets of Infinite Ring-Wearing
Favorite Footwear:
Real Men wear Seven League Boots
Real Roleplayers wear Boots of Stealth
Loonies wear house slippers
Munchkins wear Boots of Infinite Speed
Favorite Mount:
Real Men ride heavy war horses
Real Roleplayers ride palfreys
Loonies ride sheep
Munchkins ride heavy war tyrannosauri
Favorite NPC:
Real Men like Tarl Cabot
Real Roleplayers like Medea
Loonies like Doctor Who
Munchkins like Darth Vader/Teela Brown
Favorite Animal to use as a Familiar:
Real Men have Black Cats
Real Roleplayers have Owls
Loonies have Slugs
Munchkins have whatever gives the most plusses/Ancient Red Dragons
Favorite Kind of Elf:
Real Men like the Pinis' elves
Real Roleplayers like Tolkien's elves
Loonies like Santa's elves
Munchkins like Storm Giants with pointed ears
Favorite Kind of Dwarf:
Real Men like Tolkien's Dwarfs
Real Roleplayers like Glorantha's Dwarfs
Loonies like the Seven Dwarfs
Munchkins like Earth Elementals with beards
Favorite Food to take on Expeditions:
Real Men bring along burgers, fries, milkshakes, and pizza
Real Roleplayers bring along iron rations
Loonies bring along Froot Loops/aluminum rations
Munchkins bring along whatever gives the most plusses
Favorite Fantasy Author:
Real Men read J.R.R. Tolkien ``Lord of the Rings''
Real Roleplayers read Robert Asprin's ``Thieves' World'' series
Loonies read Robert Asprin's ``Myth'' series
Munchkins read E. Gary Gygax
When they encounter a sleeping dragon:
Real Men wake it up and THEN attack it.
Real Roleplayers sneak away quietly.
Loonies tie its shoelaces together.
Munchkins have their 34th-level thief backstab it with their +17 Sword of Slay Anything, and then put all its treasure in one backpack and run away.
Favorite Town Activity:
Real Men drink ale in the tavern and start bar fights.
Real Roleplayers drink wine in the tavern and talk to everyone.
Loonies order watermelon daquiris and start food fights.
Munchkins say ``What's a town?''
=== SCIENCE FICTION ===
Favorite Science Fiction Weapon:
Real Men use Laser Pistols/Blasters/Light Sabers
Real Roleplayers use Stun Guns/Tanglers
Loonies use Thermonuclear Hand Grenades/Tripod Flamers
Munchkins use whatever gives the most plusses
Favorite Method of Handling Alien Monster:
Real Men drive off the Bug-Eyed Monsters invading the Earth
Real Roleplayers negotiate with the refugees from the evil Empire
Loonies hitch a ride with Vogons
Munchkins invade the BEMs' home planet and enslave them all
Favorite Science Fiction Movie:
Real Men watch the Star Wars films
Real Roleplayers watch ``2001: A Space Odyssey/2010: Odyssey Two''
Loonies watch ``The Three Stooges Go To Mars''
Munchkins watch the Star Trek films
Favorite Method of Space Travel:
Real Men use Hyperspace/Warp Drive
Real Roleplayers use suspended animation
Loonies use the Infinite Improbability Drive
Munchkins push the button and it goes
Favorite Star to Put a Colony Around:
Real Men colonize Beta Lyrae
Real Roleplayers colonize Alpha Centauri
Loonies colonize Cygnus X-1
Munchkins colonize wherever gives the most plusses
Favorite Science Fiction Author:
Real Men read Isaac Asimov
Real Roleplayers read Arthur C. Clarke
Loonies read Bored of the Rings/Doon/Hitchhiker
Munchkins read E. Gary Gygax
Favorite Monster:
Real Men like the Alien
Real Roleplayers like the Moties
Loonies like the beach ball from Dark Star
Munchkins like E.T.
Favorite Variant Human:
Real Men play Heavy Worlders
Real Roleplayers play Light Worlders/Spacers
Loonies play Sex Androids
Munchkins play Enhanced Humans with all the advantages
=== MISCELLANEOUS ===
Favorite Bar to Hang Out In:
Real Men hang out at the Vulgar Unicorn
Real Roleplayers hang out at the White Hart
Loonies hang out at the Big Bang Burger Bar/Restaurant at the End of the Universe
Munchkins hang out wherever they don't get carded
Favorite Superhero:
Real Men like Batman (The Dark Knight)
Real Roleplayers like Jericho
Loonies like Bat-Mite/Flaming Carrot/Cutey Bunny
Munchkins like Galactus
Favorite Modern weapon:
Real Men use .44 Magnums
Real Roleplayers use Walther PPKs
Loonies use water pistols
Munchkins use Infinite-Repeating Uzis
Favorite Actor:
Real Men like John Wayne
Real Roleplayers like Claus Kinski
Loonies like Curly
Munchkins watch Saturday-morning cartoons
Favorite Actress:
Real Men like Raquel Welch
Real Roleplayers like Adrienne Barbeau
Loonies like Phyllis Diller
Munchkins are far too young to know about Sex
Favorite Actor to play James Bond:
Real Men like Sean Connery
Real Roleplayers like George Lazenby
Loonies like David Niven
Munchkins like Roger Moore
Favorite Card Game:
Real Men play Gin
Real Roleplayers play Bridge
Loonies play Fizzbin/Fungus and Fruitbats
Munchkins cheat at Poker
Favorite Music:
Real Men listen to Bruce Springsteen
Real Roleplayers listen to 14th-century madrigals
Loonies listen to Weird Al Yankovic
Munchkins watch MTV
Favorite Magazine:
Real Men read Soldier of Fortune and argue about whether the ads are real.
Real Roleplayers read the Journal of Abnormal Psychology and argue about the point value of disadvantages.
Loonies read National Lampoon and bitch about how it's gone downhill.
Munchkins read comic books and argue about whether Spider-Man should have married MJ.
Favorite Convention Activity:
Real Men ``Do the Dealer's Room''/hang out in the con suite
Real Roleplayers go to seminars/hide in their rooms and play games
Loonies play video games/do hoax zines
Munchkins run and shout and cut in lines
Favorite Gaming Awards:
Real Men vote for the (new) Charles Roberts awards from 3W
Real Roleplayers vote for the Origins Awards
Loonies come in at the end of the Origins ceremony to vote on the Silver Hatchets
Munchkins vote for the Strategists Club awards
Favorite Type of Dice:
Real Men like 20-siders
Real Roleplayers use three 6-siders
Loonies use 30-sided for everything
Munchkins have them all, and like to roll as many as possible
=== CALL OF CTHULHU ===
Favorite Spell:
Real Men don't believe in magic
Real Roleplayers cast Elder Sign
Loonies cast Summon Smurf
Munchkins cast Control Cthulhu
Favorite Monster:
Real Men like Deep Ones
Real Roleplayers don't like any of them
Loonies like Masters of the Universe Slime
Munchkins like Azathoth
Favorite Type of Character to Play:
Real Men play Private Investigators
Real Roleplayers play Professors of Ancient Egyptian Archaeology
Loonies play Red Indian Sex Maniacs
Munchkins play Magic-Users
===PARANOIA===
Capsule Opinion:
Real Men think the weapons are OK, but hate the background.
Real Roleplayers think the campaigns are too short.
Loonies think the game isn't funny enough.
Munchkins don't think the game is supposed to be funny.
Favorite Service Group:
Real Men like Armed Forces.
Real Roleplayers like Tech Services and CPU.
Loonies like R&D.
Munchkins like IntSec.
Favorite Secret Society:
Real Men like Anti-Mutant, Frankenstein Destroyers, and PURGE.
Real Roleplayers like Free Enterprise and Sierra Club.
Loonies like Corpore Metal, Death Leopard, and Mystics.
Munchkins like Psion.
Favorite Mutant Power:
Real Men like Adrenalin Control.
Real Roleplayers like Hypersenses.
Loonies like Project Total Chaos.
Munchkins like characters with the works.
Favorite Weapon:
Real Men like cone rifles.
Real Roleplayers like laser pistols.
Loonies like chainsaws and anything from R&D.
Munchkins like Plasma Generators.
Favorite Target:
Real Men shoot Commie Mutant Traitors.
Real Roleplayers shoot the Munchkins' characters.
Loonies shoot anything fragile-looking.
Munchkins shoot anything in sight, starting with the other PCs.
Favorite Mission:
Real Men like to hunt down Commie Mutant Traitors.
Real Roleplayers like to try to survive the briefing.
Loonies like to place themselves under surveillance and report hourly.
Munchkins like to attack a rival Alpha Complex.
=== TFOS ===
Capsule Opinion:
Real Men can't understand the game at all.
Real Roleplayers think the game is silly.
Loonies think the game is about them.
Munchkins want to play their 700-point Champions character.
Favorite Character Type:
Real Men play Near Humans.
Real Roleplayers play Humans.
Loonies play green fuzzy blobs that drip slime.
Munchkins play Deities.
Favorite Powers:
Real Men have Superspeed, Monster Out, and Superstrength
Real Roleplayers have Teleport, Deep Freeze, and Talk to Aliens.
Loonies have Bounce, Summon Pizza, and Telephone.
Munchkins have all of them.
Favorite Knacks:
Real Men like Shoot Big Raygun and Flying Saucer Piloting.
Real Roleplayers like Figure Things Out and Look Cool in Shades.
Loonies like Weird Science and Eat Anything.
Munchkins like Do Anything I Want.
Favorite Weapon:
Real Men like Zap Guns.
Real Roleplayers like Duplicator Guns.
Loonies like Goop Guns and Boy/Girl Guns.
Munchkins like AT-AT Walkers.
Favorite Transportation:
Real Men use flying saucers.
Real Roleplayers use the Number 42 Crosstown Expedience Route.
Loonies use Rocket Sneakers.
Munchkins use Battlestars.
=== CHAMPIONS ===
Capsule Opinion:
Real Men think this is how the world should be.
Real Roleplayers think there's too much combat.
Loonies think it's a great system for simulating reality.
Munchkins think starting characters don't have enough points.
Favorite Character Type:
Real Men like Bricks.
Real Roleplayers like Mentalists.
Loonies like Cream-Puff Projectors.
Munchkins like visiting Gods.
Favorite Power:
Real Men like Damage Resistance.
Real Roleplayers like Telepathy.
Loonies like Instant Change with the advantage Usable on Others.
Munchkins like Autofire Find Weakness.
Favorite Attribute:
Real Men like Strength.
Real Roleplayers like Ego.
Loonies like Comeliness.
Munchkins like Speed.
Favorite Disadvantage:
Real Men like Berserk.
Real Roleplayers like Psychological Limitations.
Loonies like Dependency on Spinach Egg Noodles.
Munchkins like Unusual Looks.
Favorite Power Limitation:
Real Men like Always On.
Real Roleplayers like Limited Uses.
Loonies like Activation on 8-.
Munchkins like Focus and Multipower.
Tactics in Hostage Situations:
Real Men demonstrate what'll happen to villians who injure hostages.
Real Roleplayers create an illusion of the hostages getting away.
Loonies taunt the villians.
Munchkins waste the villians with their 10d6 Autofire Armor-Piercing Ranged Killing Attack, and use Regeneration Usable on Others to heal the injured bystanders.
=== FANTASY HERO ===
Capsule Opinion:
Real Men like how expensive magic is.
Real Roleplayers don't like how expensive magic is.
Loonies like the bizzare disadvantages you can create.
Munchkins like the crossover from Champions.
Character Type:
Real Men play Dwarven Knights.
Real Roleplayers play Elven Mages.
Loonies play Halfling Knights.
Munchkins play their Champions characters.
Favorite Spell Limitations:
Real Men wish there weren't any, so magic would be even more expensive.
Real Roleplayers like Gestures, Incantation, and Concentrate.
Loonies like Side Effects.
Munchkins use the Champions rules.
Favorite Spells:
Real Men like any kind of magic greatsword.
Real Roleplayers like Percieve and Illusions.
Loonies like Dominate usable on Self Only.
Munchkins like Blast, Variable Advantage, Reduced END to zero.
=== GURPS ===
Capsule Opinion:
Real Men think there aren't enough combats.
Real Roleplayers think there aren't enough supplements.
Loonies think there aren't enough disadvantages.
Munchkins think there aren't enough hit points.
Favorite Advantages:
Real Men like Combat Reflexes, Strong Will, High Pain Threshold and Toughness.
Real Roleplayers like Charisma, Danger Sense, Empathy, Literacy and Voice.
Loonies like Luck, Absolute Timing and Unusual Background.
Munchkins like Magery 3, Patron (Superman), and PK (80).
Favorite Disadvantages:
Real Men like Gigantism and Berserk
Real Roleplayers like Sense of Duty and Poverty
Loonies like Severe Delusions, Severe Phobias, Split Personality, Total Pacifism and Berserk - all at the same time.
Munchkins like Enemies and Dependents (for the points).
Favorite Skills:
Real Men like Brawling, Two-Handed Sword, Broadsword and Shield.
Real Roleplayers like Acting, Bard, Detect Lies, Diplomacy, Fast-Talk,
Merchant, Savoir-Faire and Streetwise.
Loonies like to use ALL skills at a default level of 5.
Munchkins like Fast-Talk GM and Whine.
Favorite Combat Spell:
Real Men don't use magic.
Real Roleplayers cast Blur and Flash.
Loonies cast Create Object (cream pies) and throw them.
Munchkins cast Armor, Shield, Invisibility and Deathtouch.
Favorite Non-Combat Spell:
Real Men still don't use magic.
Real Roleplayers cast Major Healing.
Loonies cast Drunkenness on the other PCs.
Munchkins cast Linking spells on everything they own.
Favorite Supplement:
Real Men like Horseclans and Ice Age.
Real Roleplayers like Space, Horror and Japan.
Loonies like Toon.
Munchkins like Fantasy, Horror and Autoduel - in the same game.
Supplement Most Wanted:
Real Men want Wild West and World War II.
Real Roleplayers want Illuminati.
Loonies want Pet Rocks/Creeks & Crawdads.
Munchkins want Supers and Mecha, to add to their Fantasy/Horror/Autoduel game.
Favorite Attack Style:
Real Men shout warcry, and wade into battle.
Real Roleplayers parry and counterattack; protect comrade's backs.
Loonies throw sword at opponent, then attack with scabbard and lunchbox.
Munchkins leap in with secret 'twisted lotus' ninja decapitation strike.
Favorite Way to Die:
Real Men: in battle, with boots on, going down swinging.
Real Roleplayers: on deathbead, after lengthy dramatic farewell speech.
Loonies: laughing while jumping into a portable hole, and carrying a bag of holding.
Munchkins: die? You're kidding, right?
Residence:
Real Men: wherever he hangs up his two-hander
Real Roleplayers: Elsinor
Loonies: Toontown
Munchkins: Valhalla (after kicking out previous occupants)
Dealing with a Dragon:
Real Men slay it. Preferably alone and with bare hands. (is this a trick question or what?)
Real Roleplayers con it out of all its treasure, leaving the dragon (and the GM) thinking it got the better deal.
Loonies summon the Sta-Puft marshmallow man.
Munchkins kill it, make armor out of the hide, and then resurrect it as a familiar.
---
"Only things I approve of should exist." -some guy on the internet
