Doing my part to make this the slowest loading thread ever.

CC 96: True story of tech support by NeoVid 1-28-02

This damn Nintendo 64 game I bought WON'T WORK!! OK, calm down, sir. Just let me see it, and I'll see if I can figure out what's wrong. I've got it right here... Dear God, what happened to this cartridge? Well, when it wouldn't fit in my laptop's disc drive, I had to cut most of the casing off.

True story by NeoVid 3-24-02

I have the world record for "most boards broken with head"! Wow. You must be a great martial artist. I'm not a martial artist.

CC 110: Sign out by NeoVid 3-28-02

SKEET RANGE I think your special request can be accomodated, sir... *WHOOSH* PULL! These skeet shooting comics still aren't funny! *BANG*

Why I'm despised

Someone once told me, "Just be yourself." Boy, did that ever blow up in my face.

by NeoVid, 4-19-02

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"Only things I approve of should exist." -some guy on the internet

Hates America by Rabid_Weasle 8-22-04

I don't like Micheal Moore because he hates America! He does? That's crazy! I mean, Sister Golden Hair? That's a good tune!

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Poop.

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Destroying my reputation one post at a time.

Baseball by MikeyG 4-11-05

So, I figured out why Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck didn't make it as a couple. Why not? Well, since Affleck is from Boston, and Lopez is from the Bronx... I think I see where you're going with this. Ben Affleck is a Red Sox Fan, and Jennifer Lopez is a cunt.

Politickle Field Trip by MikeyG 4-14-05

Right here, Senator? Sure, this is as good a place as any. And what do I have to do? Pull down your pants, bend over, and grab your ankles. Why am I doing this again? Do you want to learn what the Government does for the People or not?

Exi-stench-alism by MikeyG 4-14-05

How did we get here? I mean, not just floating in the sky like we've found ourselves to be, but like, how did we come to exist in the first place? Is it the Will of God or was it just dumb luck? If there is a Supreme Being, did that being plan for life to reach the levels of consciousness that it has? Do you think the Being ever thought we'd get smart enough to doubt its existence? You know what I mean? I can't breathe, man.

Best Way to Get Rid of Jehovah's Witnesses by MikeyG 3-15-05

Hello in there! I'm a Jehovah's Witness and I wanted to leave you some pamphlets! Da boss sed don't leave no witnesses.

Random Elements 4 by MikeyG 3-29-05

I guess I'd better skedaddle, eh?

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The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

Remastered with the new background!!!!

A Haiku and a Limerick walk into a bar by kaufman 5-17-01

Long Island Iced Tea. I would like a whiskey and water. No ice, I prefer my drinks hotter. Easy on the vodka, please. And bartender fella, Nix on that umbrella. I do have to drive. I want a small plastic fly-swatter.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

Got Any Gwapes? The Abriged Version

Do I look like a fucking vineyard?

by possums, 4-23-05

Here are two I've had positive comments on:

This one is not only true, it's one of my personal favourites:

My Fucking Neighbors by choadwarrior 11-24-03

THUNK THUNK THUNK THUNK THUNK One thing all my neighbors have had in common is the noise they make when they fuck. First it starts off slow... THUNK THUNK THUNK THUNK THUNK THUNK THUNK THUNK THUNK THUNK Then it gets really fast and she lets out two or three moans. OOOOOH! OOOOOH! I don't think I've ever heard it go on for more then three minutes. That apartment must have been built on an old Indian premature ejaculation ground.

I was surprised nobody, especially Kaufman, had done this one:

Hooker Line and Sinker by choadwarrior 4-14-05

Psst--Hey, mister...you want some fine ass pussy? I can make these bitches do whatever you want, yo. Good heavens! What sort of a man are you? They call me the whores whisperer.

Inside the Conclave by attitudechicka 4-23-05

Ratzinger. Ratzinger. Ratzinger. Ratzinger. Ratzinger. Guilty!

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Mediocrity at its most average.

Japanese Rice Wine by Rabid_Weasle 8-19-04

Jesus has requested I bring him some small cups. What for? Jesus wishes to drink his Japanese rice wine. Oh, for Christ's sake!

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Poop.

Let's Make A Deal

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________ I'll take what's behind stained glass window #3! Congratulations, Timothy! You've just won...sodomy!

by niteowl, 4-22-05

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Think classy, you'll be classy.

CC 10001000: Again, all I could think of

So I says, "Shoot, boy, I'm not gonna generate gravitons by myself!" Ha ha!

by NeoVid, 8-11-02

cc 138: Stand and maybe deliver by NeoVid 8-19-02

Here's a couple of stories. See if you can find the connection. A woman I know told me that I need to get laid more often. The next day, I was staked out in the desert, and a guy in an Alhambra truck said I needed something to drink. Then he drove off.

CC 152 by NeoVid 11-08-02

Man, I love Halloween. GACK! It's got to be my favorite holiday. You're a psycho, mister. There's nothing like the look on someone's face when they take a bite of a caramel-coated onion. I'll get you for this one day.

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"Only things I approve of should exist." -some guy on the internet

I'm going to stump for this one because I'm especially proud of it. So there.

The God Couple - Episode 6 by fuzzyman 4-26-05

Jesus! I got us a job doing a TV commercial! That's great, Buddha! What's the commercial for? Aaaaaaaand ACTION! Hey! You got Bible verses in my Buddhist koans! No, you got Buddhist koans on my Bible verses! Hey, these are pretty good... Two great religions that taste great together! Fucking Unitarians.

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...Trot and Cap'n Bill were free from anxiety and care. Button-Bright never worried about anything. The Scarecrow, not being able to sleep, looked out of the window and tried to count the stars.

Maybe you didn't hear Mikey the first time... so here it is five times!

Politickle Field Trip by MikeyG 4-14-05

Right here, Senator? Sure, this is as good a place as any. And what do I have to do? Pull down your pants, bend over, and grab your ankles. Why am I doing this again? Do you want to learn what the Government does for the People or not?

Politickle Field Trip by MikeyG 4-14-05

Right here, Senator? Sure, this is as good a place as any. And what do I have to do? Pull down your pants, bend over, and grab your ankles. Why am I doing this again? Do you want to learn what the Government does for the People or not?

Politickle Field Trip by MikeyG 4-14-05

Right here, Senator? Sure, this is as good a place as any. And what do I have to do? Pull down your pants, bend over, and grab your ankles. Why am I doing this again? Do you want to learn what the Government does for the People or not?

Politickle Field Trip by MikeyG 4-14-05

Right here, Senator? Sure, this is as good a place as any. And what do I have to do? Pull down your pants, bend over, and grab your ankles. Why am I doing this again? Do you want to learn what the Government does for the People or not?

Politickle Field Trip by MikeyG 4-14-05

Right here, Senator? Sure, this is as good a place as any. And what do I have to do? Pull down your pants, bend over, and grab your ankles. Why am I doing this again? Do you want to learn what the Government does for the People or not?

CC 228: Not With Grandma... Unless by Rabid_Weasle 12-06-04

Remember kids, don't have sex with your grandma. Unless you're Dan, because you seriously need to get on that shit! Agreed.

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Poop.

CC 228: Hooory Shit! by Rabid_Weasle 1-10-04

You know what my father always told me? No, what? Hooory shit! You could sell dis for fie dolla!

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Poop.

Two Puns For the Price of Pun

I'm the repairwoman, come to do your pipes. Does this mean you screw?

by possums, 4-27-05

Tech support by NeoVid 2-28-03

This computer's power button is back here, the connector for the phone line is here, and the brightness control is here. Where's the control to turn up the brightness of the people online? ...God, I wish someone would invent that.

Ethnicity

There's only one bad thing about being half black and half white: I have no idea whether O.J. did it or not.

by NeoVid, 2-28-03

Probably a true story by NeoVid 3-11-03

Your application to adopt a child has been rejected. The state decided that you are totally unsuited to raising a baby. So you'll have to have one of your own.

Good ol days by NeoVid 4-04-03

Do you see the cops busting all those guys? Sure did. Reminded me of when I was a kid. I used to get in trouble with the law all the time. Or "the fuzz" as we called 'em in my day. Were you ever picked up by the fuzz? Nah, but I've been swung around by the 'nads.

At a Vampire LARP... by NeoVid 4-12-03

Why aren't you wearing a costume? You're not showing any creativity!