Holy crap! I can't believe I actually won a Comic Competition! I'm awe struck...
Anyway, since this is my first time winning, and I don't wanna keep anyone waiting for the new CC, here are the rules:

1. Someone evil, I don't care who it is (Saddam, Osama, Tobor, Hitler, Spankling, Satan, etc.) has gone good!
2. These evil men must try to commit a good deed, only to have it fail miserably.
3. No archived strips allowed.

I'll be judging in several areas (much like FTC) so there will be lots of awards handed out, including "Least Funny" and "Most Sexual", etc.

Let CC-219 begin! LETS GET IT ON!!!

Oh, and judging will be sometime this weekend. Probably sunday. I'll post a more accurate time as the week goes on.

CC219: A True Villian by fzh 11-04-03

Hi! I'm Bill Gates! I thought I'd show you that I actually have a heart by volunteering at this orphanage. Well now, how can I help you little girl. Gimme your money. I need it more than you, you capitalistic, selfish prick. Burn it. Yessir.

CC...Whatever number this is... by SinatraFonzarelli2 11-04-03

President Bush turns good I handed candy out to children during the Macy's Day parade. No you didn't! You had G.Is shoot them with uranium-tipped bullets! Well...bad habits die hard.

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I LICKED HORSERADISH SAUCE OFF HITLER'S MUSTACHE! Also the Wolfman.

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Destroying my reputation one post at a time.

CC 219: Falling On Your Ass by Rabid_Weasle 11-04-03

Ow! I fell on my ass while jogging! Ooooh! Here, let TOBOR help!

CC 219: Falling On Your Airplane Ass by Rabid_Weasle 11-04-03

Oh no! The plane's gonna crash! Ooh! Here, let Osama help!

CC 219: Falling On Your Oiled Ass by Rabid_Weasle 11-04-03

We're all out of oil! Oooh! Here, let Bush help!

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Poop.

CC 219: Ph-nglui mglw'nafh the other side by kaufman 11-05-03

Hello, Mr. 'thulhu. Will you help me to cross the street? Why, certainly. Honest, officer, I was just trying to help her across. She must have slipped in my slime. It's not my fault she didn't have a tight enough grip on my tentacle.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

The Devil's Accountant (1) by mmyers 11-04-03

Satan, I've been looking over the books for the first three quarters and we are way in the red, fiscally speaking. That's good for Satan, yes? Being in the red, like fire and flames and torture? No, being in the red is bad. What we want to be is in the black. In the black like being in eternal darkness and damnation? Yes, I suppose. I'm looking at your receipts, there are some enormous expenditures so far. The debit card has several charges for over $10,000 on it. Satan prefers not to show his ID so he uses his debit card. Satan remembers the embarassment of that basketball guy from the commercial.

The Devil's Accountant (2) by mmyers 11-05-03

So what are you trying to tell Satan? You need to cut your expenditures. You're way over budget. But Satan must buy things in order to purchase people's souls. If someone offers their soul for a 1969 Mustang, Satan must give them that Mustang. Look Satan, have you ever tried haggling with them? Don't just jump at their first offer. Later... Yes Satan could make you walk again, but then Satan would be doing it all for you. Satan doesn't want to give you a carrot, Satan wants to teach you how to farm. Carrots? What the fuck are you talking about, dude? I just wanna fucking walk, man.

The Devil's Accountant (3) by mmyers 11-05-03

I wish I had a zillion dollars. I'd sell my soul for a zillion dollars. Woe! *Foosh* Hey, your Satan! Are you going to offer me a zillion dollars in exchange for my soul? Satan is going to do better than that, Satan is going to offer you this set of "Great presidents of the US" collector's plate set in exchange for your soul. What? Past plates have gone up nearly 5Xs in value according to the Bradford Exchange. Satan should warn you that not all plates go up in value, but Satan thinks you should look at them as an investment.

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Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

I'll help you...help you DIE!!

CC 219: Kevorkian Would Be Proud by IB_XC 11-05-03

Hey kid, I'm here to help you with your homework. Yeah right. I'll probably have to sell my soul to Satan for that help, right? No thanks. Actually, I'm a good demon now. I just want to help you out of benevolence. I'm not stupid. I know you're just going to kill me. ...so then I killed him, because if I didn't I figured he would feel pretty stupid. I just don't have the heart to make a little kid feel that way. You don't get out much, do you?

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"Oedipus, you motherfucker!"

CC 219: And a good Friday it was! by kaufman 11-05-03

Mr. Christ, you may recognize my voice-- I'm the telemarketer who called you every evening at dinnertime for the past six years. And you expect me to forgive you NOW? No, not at all. I see the error in my ways, and want to make it up to you. That timeshare cave I was hawking, I'm offering it to you FREE. You can check in today. Free? Sounds great. Once this crowd disperses, I'll have my apostles take me down and help me in. One thing though. The next person will be checking in at noontime Sunday. You have to be gone beforehand. Not a problem.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

CC 219: Divine Comedy by Chi_The_Cynic 11-05-03

Let me get this straight, you're offering me an unconditional truce? Yes. Our bitter power struggle that has raged for eons must end. What assurance do I have that you're telling the truth? You have my word, or my name isn't the Father of Lies! Ok, so maybe that wasn't the best way of putting it...

The Beard Offered No Consolation. by ArtemisStrong 11-05-03

Mayest I turn from the ramparts of evil and lay my soul 'pon the altar of sanctity. How shalt thou doest this, Big Evil One (being so evil and big and such)? Verily, I shalt dedicate mine life to the fruitful bounty of joy that public service and cheritable labour promise, my pantsless acolyte. Oh. Good show, then. Mayest you... do the stuff... which is nice and all... *Wanders off to cruise for aged whores. Some time later...

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Ham-fisted ham fisting.

CC 219, I think: Help is just an F1 away! by flickguy 11-05-03

Oh great Spirit! You have shown me the error of my ways! I want to help people! I want to LIVE!! And so the Spirit of Christmas Yet-To-Come granted Scrooge a second chance. Sort of. So, you'd like to learn how to make this program do something it's not designed to do? I can help. Holy --!! Where the hell did *you* come from?? This was *so* not what I had in mind...

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This is not my empire.

CC219: Suffer the Children by ivytheplant 11-05-03

I've decided to give up my plans for world domination and dedicate my life to helping children. Did you OD on Pixy Stix? No. Farewell dear brother! I am off to seek a life of self-induced poverty to help all the children of the world! Sweet! I get her room! An hour later... ...and that's when the screaming started. Well at least now you'll have the self-induced poverty thing down.

CC219: In Jokes Never Die by ivytheplant 11-05-03

Look at all those children. They scream and cry because no one seems to care. I should do something. Half an hour later... ...so now I have to get all the neighbors to sign a statement saying they know I live next door. Remember when you wouldn't bail me out for the traffic violation? Yeaaah... Yours is so much worse. Toodles!

CC 219: No Ass To Fall On by Rabid_Weasle 11-05-03

I wish I had a body... Who are you? I am a magical fairy, and I shall grant you your wish!  :(

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Poop.

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Destroying my reputation one post at a time.

CC 219 : Stand Up Mike by niteowl 11-05-03

And now for our last act of the evening. He is a comic genius, and used to swing a mean hatchet...give it up for Michael Myers! Thank you, thank you. Wow, check out the babes in the front row tonight..SCHWING! Oops. I swung when I should've schwinged. Would someone get that poor lady a box of Band-Aids please?

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Think classy, you'll be classy.

Not exactly compliant since Dahmer doesn't fail miserably...

Or does he?

CC 21-Wait, what contest is this? by niteowl 11-05-03

Well dizzle mah nizzle, Jizzeffery Dizzahmer! Wuz crackalackin? Not much, how you doing James? Aah you know mang, SSDD. Yo, wanna get some Chinese? Nah man, I gave it up. I'm a vegetarian now. The sound you hear is the asian girls breathing a sigh of relief. No kidding. Fo' shizzle!

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Think classy, you'll be classy.

Uhhh... I just realised something...

In the comic with Wirth... just assume the Fairy is evil...

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Poop.

CC219: Stretching It A Little... by UnknownEric 11-06-03

Hi Billy! I see you went grocery shopping! Hi, TOBOR. Hey, look, while I run into the drug store, could you hold my corn? Uhh.. excuse me? I'm not sure I heard you correctly. Look, I need someone to be a corn hold! But officer, he ASKED for it. Tell it to the judge.

Lame, I know, but...

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I has a flavor!

Two can play that game!

CC 219: Good Things are Cumming Your Way! by israphael 11-06-03

Crap! My car is out of oil! How am I going to get to work now? TOBOR has more oil than he needs. TOBOR will do a good deed and help a machine in need. TOBOR is the victim of bad aim. TOBOR was really trying to lube up his vehicle. Tell it to the judge, Bukkake Boy!

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"Nothing expresses the brutal grandeur of rectal polyps and anal fistulae quite like the mother-tongue of Goethe."

CC 219: Shrimps for breakfast by Zegota 11-07-03

Tonight on CNN! Gary Coleman Saves The World! shit I can't reach the abort button.

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And you know what Hell is, folks. It's Andy Gibb, singing 'Shadowdancing' for aeons and aeons...

CC 219: Thank You Mario... by BigEvilDan 11-07-03

Okay Bowser, it's time for you to let the Princess go. I already did. It just wasn't working between us, and I realized that no amount of kidnapping would change that. So she's safe now, right? Not really. On her way home, she was captured by my brother in the castle to the north. Again?! I don't know why I put up with this shit. Now you know why I let her go.

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"Oh, look, a joke! How original! Thank you, but if I wanted my emotions stimulated pleasurably, I'd get a whore." - Donald B. Jones III

Evil? Me? You must be thinking of some other perv.

I'm really very accommodating by Spankling 11-07-03

Excuse me sir. I think I dropped my contact lens down my panties. Would you please help me find it? Of course, you poor dear. Anything to assist. Let me just warm up my hand down my pants first. You're so kind. Dum - dee -dem... No luck... Maybe it slipped around back. Did you find it? Here miss. And I suggest you get that mole checked by a dermatologist. By the way, sorry about the cum all over your feet - mea culpa.

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"Jelly-belly gigglin, dancin and a-wigglin, honey that's the way I am!" Janice the Muppet

A semi-late entry... enjoy!

CC219: It's Quite Alright by Matchbook_Romance 11-08-03

So how was your day yesterday Jared? It was one of the weirdest days I ever had in my life... **MIST MACHINE** Hello there sonny, can you help me with my groceries? Sure ma'am, there's no other greater satisfaction in helping a senior citizen that's probably going to die within this year or so. So what's so weird about that? Well, when I was holding the groceries, an orange fell and she tripped on it. She fell flat on her face and a passing car ran her over. But that's really ok, I had Subway for lunch.