This is all based on a real person who has held none of these jobs.

Mr Self-Absorbed as a priest by mmyers 8-10-05

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned-- I've sinned alot too. One time there was this diamond necklace on the ground at the grocery and I put it in my pocket and gave it to my wife. Um, right. So like I was saying, it has been 3 years since my last confession and-- I confessed last week. I went over to see Father O'Malley over on 4th street and he told me how great I was about confessing my sins. Right...is there some other priest I might be able to talk to? One time I needed to change priests because mine just wasn't cutting it. I told him "I don't get the impression you're listening" and he said...

Mr. Self-Absorbed as ground control by mmyers 8-10-05

It looks like I've got a fuel leak in the 3rd cell. I think this might be bad. if I don't make it through reentry, tell my wife *sniff* tell my wife I lo-- I had a leak on my tire pressure the other day. It was a slow leak but the guy at Firestone said I should get it patched. I didn't think it was a big deal but he did. We've...we've lost contact with him. *sniff* He was the bravest man I ever me-- A lady told me I was brave. It seemed that her shopping cart had a loose wheel. Well I heard it squeeking because I have exceptional hearing, right? So...

Mr. Self-Absorbed as an obstetrician by mmyers 8-10-05

Oh doctor, it hurts! IT HURTS! You know what really hurts? This bunyon on my toe. it feels like a little dagger jammed right into my toe. I think it's a breach birth! A BREACH BIRTH, DOCTOR! GACKKKGG! Phew, I was a breach birth. Took them hours to get me out of there. To this day, the doctor's at St Michale's will tell you, I was the toughest birth they'd EVER seen. Oh GOD, OH GOD, OH GOD... You know, speaking of blood, I cut myself shaving the other day. Guess that's what I get for buying cheap razors, but hey, they were on sale! I can't be expected to pass...

Mr. Self Absorbed in Poland 1944 by mmyers 8-11-05

*Sigh* You look depressed. Man, I'm REALLY depressed. I mean, you're kind of down but me? Man, I'm way bummed out. I'M down. What do we do...what do we do...we're doomed... Would you quit your moaning? Man, they call this a concentration camp but a guy can't seem to get a thought with all that moaning. I don't think I'll ever see my family again. Boyoh, I don't want to see my family. All they do is nag me. "What're you doing? Are you safe? Don't go." Blah, blah, blah.

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Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

in that last one i thought he was going to turn out to be one of her Nazi captors

they were all great. good choice on the character too

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what if nigger meant kite

He's so self-absorbed, he makes Dick Clark look like Wilt Chamberlain!

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

Has anyone read my comics lately?

someone read my comics once. they really liked them

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what if nigger meant kite

That was me, Mandingo. I've also been known to read a choad comic, when the mood strikes me.

Mr. Self-Absorbed has sex by mmyers 8-12-05

Oh, Mr. Self -Absorbed! Oh, that feels so good! You're the best! You're so good! Women have always told me how good at sex I am. Often they'll see me, years later, and they'll say "That was the best sex I've ever had." Oh, oh, oh! I think I'm gonna cum! I think I'm gonna... Mr. Self-Absorbed? Why'd you stop? zzzzzzzzzzzz

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Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

someone read my comics once. they really liked them

Wasn't me.

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It was such a waste of everyone’s time and money that even the Tokyo stadium’s rape robots apologized– something they were programmed specifically never to do.