Post 'em here. I'm hoping to send them in to Readers Digest.
EXAMPLE: Fred: Bob, you don't make a steady living, do you?
Bob: Of course I do; why the hell am I alive then??
Make me not laugh.

---
fff

"My dog has no nose."

"How does it smell?"

"Awful."

---
I wanted my half in the middle and I wound up on the edge.

Why does the cookie monster eat only cookies?

Because he's a CUNT!!!!!

---
What others say about boorite!

http://www.stripcreator.com/comics/drawinger

---
Batman created by Bob Kane

Dammit, composed...you beat me too it.

---
More lust than you can shake a stick at.

A guy goes up to a woman and says, "Are you a model?" And she says, "No, I'm to scale."

"When you're in training to be a painter, they tell you not to paint downwards. That's because they want you to brush 'up' on your skills."

I'm submitting that baby to the "Jumble" editors.

---
Ham-fisted ham fisting.

[Click to view comic: 'untitled']

---
possible savior probable SEX MACHINE

"Intelligent Design"

quote:

---

Why does the cookie monster eat only cookies?

Because he's a CUNT!!!!!

---

Yeah boorite, that was fucking hilarious.

Q : What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

A : "Where's my tractor?"

----------------------------

Q : How do you get a nun pregnant?

A : "You fuck her!"

---
Our liability coverage is zero. Our balls however are enormous.

Why did the cookie cry?

Because his mum was a wafer a long time. lol.

---
The dictator of love and his weapon of mass destruction

Q: What how many Jews can you fit in a Volkswagon?

A: Two in the front, three in the back, and about five or six in the ashtray.

---
It was such a waste of everyone’s time and money that even the Tokyo stadium’s rape robots apologized– something they were programmed specifically never to do.

Bloke goes in to a pet shop.

"Can I buy a wasp, please?"

"We don't sell wasps."

"But you've got one in your window!"

Thankyouverymuch.

Knock Knock.
(Who's there?)
Wilma.
(Wilma who?)
Wilma finger do until I get a boner?

---
I has a flavor!

Why did Mr. Milo cross the road?
Because his dick was stuck in a chicken.

---
Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

Did you hear about that new pirate movie?

It's rated AAARRRGGGHH!

---
obscenity filter is off

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but its missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be. Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word," She tells him," Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend throws her on the table and drills her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

A few minutes later he grabs her mom throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY. I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!!"

---
obscenity filter is off

Q: how many femenists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: 2, one to screw in the bulb and one to SUCK MY COCK

---
I dumb :D

Q: How do you confuse a blond?

A: Draw a circle around him and tell him to pee in the corner.

---
Okay, Lindsay, are you forgetting that I was a professional twice over - an analyst and a therapist. The world's first analrapist.

Q: What do you call a haunted chicken?

A: A poultry-giest

"I went to the circus yesterday."

"How was it?"

"It was in tents."

---
Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

A grasshopper walks into a pub, and the bartender says, "Hey, we've got a drink named after you!"

The grasshopper looks surprised, and says, "What? Kevin?"

--

A duck walks into a pub and asks for a pint, then strikes up a conversation with the bartender. The bartender is pretty shocked by this talking duck, and says, "Hey, you know, there's a circus in town this week. I reckon they'd love to hire someone with your talent."

The duck looks confused and says, "Why would a circus want a bricklayer?"

--

A guy gets lost in a big city and finds himself in a little backstreet pub he's never seen before. He strolls inside for a adrink and finds it's full of roads, sitting around having a drink. This is pretty bizarre, but he's tired and thirsty, so he takes a seat at the bar and orders a drink.

A few minutes later, a large road walks in the door. "I am a major arterial road," it says. "I'm big and tough and I could take on anyone in this pub." All the other roads avert their eyes and look nervous, and the big road goes and gets a drink.

A bit later, an even bigger road walks in. "I am a freeway!" it announces. "I am a huge masterpiece of modern engineering, and I could take on anyone in this pub." Once again, everyone looks away and tries not to make trouble.

Finally, a tiny little path walks in, and says nothing. The guy sees it has a picture of a bicycle painted on it. It quietly goes and takes a seat, but every other road in the place looks terrified. The guy leans over to the barman and asks quietly, "Hey, who's this new guy?"

"Oh, don't mess with him," says the bartender, "He's a real cycle-path."

---
This signature has performed an illegal operation and has been shut down.

A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."