quote:
How to improve soccer? How about:
1: Make the ball egg-shaped.
2: Instead of traditional shirts and shorts, dress the players as gigantic technicolour sofas, resplendent in motor-bike crash helmets, leggings, face-paint, body fat and criminal records.
3: Instead of playing the game over 90 minutes, play the game over three-hundred nine-second bursts. This gives the crowd time for much-needed hotdog and cheeseburger breaks. This is, of course, the real reason why they're here.
4: Let the players use their hands.
5: In fact, reduce the 'kicking the ball' factor to simply hoofing the ball over the bar every so often. This can only be done, however, once a five-minute goal celebration has taken place by the guy who has scored the 'goal-down touch-up' and the crowd have had enough time to order another round of cheeseburgers and weak pissy lager.
6: Give all the teams obnoxious nicknames.
7: Raid the local mall, kidnap the twelve skankiest looking teenagers there, dress them as christmas trees, give them two spray-painted over-fed hamsters each and make them jump about next to the pitch. If this goes well, then why not instruct them to spell the name of the team in comedy micky-mouse accents.
8: Do something about the goals. I mean, an oblong made from wood is just boring, isn't it? What we need to do is turn it upside-down, extend the goalposts three-hundred feet, and give it a penis which juts out towards the crowd and curls round to the floor. This would be a symbol of how watching the game is like being fucked in the ass by a homongulous freak.
9: Take all the nonsensical jargon away. Instead of words like 'goal' (to define 'goal') or 'defender' (to define someone who defends the goal), lets do something different. How about we take a random bum off the street and open a dictionary in front of him on a random page. Then, we bash his face against the dictionary repeatedly. After an hour of this, change to a different page. When the bum dies of blood-loss, we kick him out and open the dictionary at the two blood-splattered pages, and combine the two words on either page which are most visible behind the splatters of blood. These two random, unconnected words will be perfect for defining areas and positions on the pitch, like 'END-ZONE' for 'Goal', 'QUARTER-BACK' for 'Guy who throws the egg', 'TOUCH-DOWN' for 'hey, a guy just ran accross that line' and 'GRID-IRON' for the field.
10: Also, lets use this bum-dictionary-death method to choose the name of this throw-the-ball-to-fat-arsholes-and-dont-kick-it-much game. FOOT-BALL anyone?
Now THAT would be a game that the world would watch. And i mean 'THE WORLD'. It would have global appeal, not like football does now, where its fanbase remains at pitiful 'pretty much everyone except the United States' status. I mean thats just stupid. It must be that the world is wrong and The American People (copyright R. Reagan 1982) are right in their taste, or distaste, for 'SAH-CURR!' as we know it.
If anyone has any queries regarding this post, please email your local high-school massacre.
I'm sensing a strong opinion here...
Also, re: how to improve soccer:
Bring back metal cleats.
Actually, that would improve any sport. Especially synchronized swimming.
