This thread aims to answer the eternal "Who would win?" questions. The only catch is that it's not your usual "Superman versus Batman with a rocket launcher" quandary. No. I'm asking you:

Who would win?

• Tupperware? Or Tipper Gore?

• Don King? Or Burger King?

• Hulk Hogan? Or Hogan's Heroes?

And so on.

So to kick off :

Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger, or "Eye of The Tiger" by Survivor?

Who would win?

Tupperware? Or Tipper Gore?

Answer: Tipper Gore has a louder burp (but doesn't keep things as fresh)

Don King? Or Burger King?

Answer: Don King has more Cheese.

Hulk Hogan? Or Hogan's Heroes?

Answer: Papa Bear would blow up Papa Hulks beauty marks, but Hulk would then go after the weakest Klink.  (Hulk Hogan)

Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger, or "Eye of The Tiger" by Survivor?

Answer: It took movie makers three months to animate sixty seconds of stop motion for Sinbad...it now takes three months AND three choruses of "Eye of the Tiger"  to animate Sylvester Stalone for Rocky 2007. (Tie)

a penis vs. Janet Reno?

Answer: Politics are are harder. (Janet)

Next: Who would win this fight: Andy Griffith or Andy Dick?

Answer: Andy Dick. Bear with me here: Andy Griffith wasn't a violent man and very wholesome. Andy Dick on the other hand is on cocaine and likes anal sex. You can see where this is going.

I mean the aggrivated buttrape.

Next up: Christian Bale vs. Hayden Christensen

Hayden Christianson was a skinny teenage Sith-lite who couldn't stop whining for ten seconds. Christian Bale was Batman. No contest.

Continuing: Weird Al Yankovic vs Al Bundy

Al Bundy: He comes home and puts his hands in his pants everyday after work, and so Weird Al would make a song parodying him for that, but because there was no illegal music file sharing in the 80s and early 90s Al Bundy would never even know it existed. Weird Al's song would fall on deaf ears, he loses.

Golden Grahams or Golden Showers?

Golden Grahams. Even R. Kelly gets hungry after a while.

Bridget Jones' Diary or The Diary of Anne Franke?

The diary of Anne Frank because it contains secrets to finding Nazi gold.

Abe Vigoda vs. a Japanese pagoda

Abe vigoda can crush any and all buildings with his massive face.

Teletubbies vs. The House of Representatives

House of Representatives--Dennis Hastert alone is tubbier than all the Teletubbies put together.

Next up: Coca-Cola vs Cocaine

Cocaine is much easier and funnier to snort than Coca-Cola.

Next up: Dick Butkus vs Dick Trickle

Dick Butkus is much easier and funnier to snort than Dick Trickle.

Next up: Hoover Dam v.s. an Amish guy in a wet suit

Amish guy, because according him the Hoover Dam doesn't exist.

Samson vs. Sammy Davis Jr.

Tough one - both were Jewish, both had fondness for wicked ladies, and both had some vision-related mishaps.

But a car crash didn't stop our Rat Pack Daddy-O, whereas a haircut later, and Sammy OT has to live a life of slavery in a heathen temple, and his only escape was to pull it down with his bare hands. That commands some props, but I'm going with Sammy Davis Jr. on this one.

Next up: club sandwich, or club foot?

Club sandwich because it's easier to walk around the park with.

The legendary King David vs. David King, the figure skater

david king, he's been training with brian boitano, and we all know what he'd do.

uncle jesse vs. uncle jesse

That's a tough one, but I'm going to have to go with Uncle Jesse.

 Next up:  Alan Greenspan in lacy underwear vs Dick Cheny in frilly underwear

Dick Cheny in frilly underwear because he comes packing.

A narcoleptic Sex maniac or napping necrophiliac

The narcoleptic sex maniac, because they don't mind if you stick it in them while they're asleep, while necrophiliacs only like sticking things in dead people.

Barnum & Bailey vs. Bailey's Irish Cream

bailey's irish cream cuz its booze. also barnum and baileys have clowns. clowns suck.

an irate postal worker or a disgruntled proctologist?

A disgruntled proctologist. His stamp will hurt far more than any irate postal servicemen.

Darth or Garth?

quote:

---

Humpenstein wrote:

A disgruntled proctologist. His stamp will hurt far more than any irate postal servicemen.

 

Darth or Garth?

---

double-bladed light saber wins. too bad he's in 2 pieces... even so, advantage darth

henry rollins vs. iggy pop

Iggy Pop, even glass coffeetables cannot defeat him.

Jack the Ripper vs. a box of Cracker Jacks

With a cracker jacks secret decoder ring, anyone can find Jack the Ripper's identity! Even YOU!

Oprah Winfrey vs The Buddha

Oprah has a weight advantage, numerous celebrity friends, and a book of the month club, but the Buddha has attained Nirvana.

And I hear Kurt Cobain rocks even harder in the afterlife.

Minnie Driver or Scott Walker?

Minnie Driver's big square face deflects all attacks.

Ghost Dog or Patrick Swayze in Ghost?

Ghost Dog (directed by Jim Jarmusch) featured Forrest Whitaker a man whose lazy eye could outact Swayze AND Demi Moore any day.

Ghost Dog wins.

Who would win:  David Crosby or The Cosby Show?

Carmen Elektra, or Jennifer Biel in Elektra ?

Carmen Electra because Biel wasn't in Elektra.

Patrick Stewart vs Martha Stewart?

Patrick Stewart because he's the captain of the USS Enterprise. Martha Stewart just baked cookies for women in a minimum security hotel.

William Murderface Murderface Murderface or Killface?

Murderface, simply because Metalacolypse is the best show ever.

Felix the Cat or Garfield?

Felix the Cat had a Magic Bag of Tricks, Garfield was just a fat fuck who ate a lot of lasagna. Mind you he was so fat he had to be neutered as well, and Felix was always pretty frisky, so I wonder what kind of "Magic" his "bag" would get up to - the kind that got you a bunch of unwanted kittens. So Garfield.

Also, I apologise for not getting Jennifer Garner/ Jessica Biel's name right. 

Also also, Murderface can play the bass with his wang.  Which earns extra points. 

Magic Johnson can cure AIDS, dude, he'd totally win.

Jennifer Connelly's tits or Power Girl's tits?

Power Girl's tits totally. She at least flaunts them.

Jesus Christ vs Esteban De Jesùs

THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU (to win)

Napoleon Dynamite or Napoleon - with some dynamite

Dang it, I found the perfect picture to show why Jesus would win!

Sigh.

Napoleon, even with dynamite, has revealed himself to be the bitch of Bill and Ted, so Napoleon Dynamite would dazzle him with footwork.

The Land-o-Lakes Maiden or the St. Pauli Girl?

That looks like someone's gay Jesus fantasy.

St. Pauli Girl. The Land O Lakes maiden is covering her tits with a butter box. Lame.

Captain Kirk or Kirk Cameron?

Captain Kirk, because he's a captain, which outranks manwhore.

Captain Morgan or Morgan Freeman?

Morgan Freeman, because the only life lesson Captain Morgan can teach you is "Oh god, I'll never drink again!"

Rocket Robinhood vs. Rokect Richard.

Rocket Richard once scored a game-winning overtime goal while barely conscious.  Total win.

Guitars, Cadillacs, or Hillbilly Music?

guitars. i don't know of any Cadillac that can ROCK YOUR FACE OFF

Christian Bale as Batman or Michael Keaton as Batman?

Christian Bale. Keaton is overrated and cannot portray a proper Batman to save his life. He can't even brood!

Giant pandas or Panda Express?

Tough one. Both are overpriced and taste bad, but Panda Express is easier to sneak past Customs.

English Muffins or the game of snooker?

Snooker. That table is so fucking big it could crush a bar-sized pool table like a bug, let alone a pansy assed english muffin.

Gil Grissom vs. Horatio Caine

That's a tough one. Gil is intelligent and kooky in a weird way that turns me on, but Horatio blows up semi trucks with a sniper rifle.

I'm going to have to say Horatio at this moment in time since it's been a while since I've seen a good explosion. I might change my mind tomorrow.

Cthulhu or the Overfiend?

Cthulhu becaOH GOD THE STARS!!!

That fat guy at the anime convention dressed as Sailor Moon or that anorexic catgirl demanding gay orgy pics of every male character under the sun?

"bubba moon" wins.

any more fucking inuyasha/DBZ yaoi/scat is going to make me puke more than just some tubby dude in a skirt.

who would win :

Recording artist Fergie or British royal Fergie?

vs.

Royal Fergie has close ties to the Queen, under whom serves James Bond. James Bond would take out B.E.P. Fergie with a wave of her majesty's hand, therefore Royal Fergie wins.

ThunderCats or Thunder Lizards?

VS.

Thundercats never ate anyone. Thunder lizards for teh win!

or

Richard Petty was never in the Traveling Wilburys, which automatically gives Tom the win.

Conan O'Brien vs. Conan the Barbarian.

Duh. Only one of these fuckers is bad assed enough to punch out a camel.

Scrooge McDuck vs. Bill Murray in the movie Scrooged?